We fight every week

[dork]

Hi,

 

I feel so jaded right now, because we just had a fight 2 nights in a row. The first one was when I was over at his house and he was working on some stuff. I was lying on his bed, bored and felt like I should just go home if he wasn't going to talk to me. What usually happens is I lie on his bed and fall asleep. When he's done he wakes me up and says he needs to go to sleep and implies that I should go home. So I asked him, when you're done are you going to tell me to go home? He said no. So I assumed we might still get to hang out after. But sure enough when he's done he says alright, so sleepy, need to go to bed cuz of work tomorrow. And I immediately get pissed off. I asked him if he would just make me go home earlier and he said no, giving me false hopes. So I stormed out of his house and jumped into my car. He followed behind slowly and just stood outside of my car without any desire of trying to pacify me, ready for me to go. At this point I am so upset because he didn't even chase after me and just stood by waiting for me to go. I pull down the windows and say to him, are you serious? Do you even care that I am hurt? All you want is for me to go away asap. So he comes into the car and says look, I'm really tired. I have work tomorrow, can you stop acting like this. I'm just thinking, wow wow wow. I'm feeling so hurt already and he doesn't have a shred of mercy to say sorry he hurt my feelings and continues to tell me how I am holding him up. I just looked at him with disbelief and hurt and he said, if you're not going to do anything I'm leaving. He gets out of the car and starts walking away. I call out to him saying, I can't believe you! You don't even care about my feelings. So he comes back into the car again and within a min he leaves again. This happens 5x. With each time I can tell he is getting more mad at me. I feel like I can't even expect him to comfort me. The way I was raised, even if I was having an argument with someone and we said hurtful things to each other, when one person starts crying the other person knows to stop. It doesn't even matter who was right or wrong. That's why I cannot understand why he won't stop being so callous and just hug me or say sorry. Eventually he walked back into the house and left me out there.

 

The next day after work, he called me and avoided the topic but I brought it up again. It was a big deal to me, I felt so abandoned last night and am just in total shock that he abandoned me after hurting me. I told him that and he said I was immature and that I won't move on. But his insensitivity to my feelings is what causes most of our fights and I want change. I want to address the root issue and resolve things, not just move on and keep having these fights. He even said that he does not condone my "fits;" he thinks it's messed up for me to think that every time I get hurt he has to give in and apologize. Maybe it's man pride? Maybe it's cuz his family doesn't display strong emotions much? I don't know. He says it's crazy if I think that is his main role in our relationship, to keep saying sorry. He wants me to man up and stop being upset over little things and get over things. Do you see what I mean about him being insensitive? When I cry he just walks out on me. Am I supposed to be fine after he just walks back into his house or drives away in his car while I'm left behind crying by myself? Is this normal? I'm just so confused and hurt. I don't know what to do.

[1a1a]

A little bit of yes, you should learn to self soothe. It's just a really useful skill to have.

 

But also, why is he inviting you over if he doesn't have time for you? Do you two still go out on proper dates?

[Iggy5129]

He did not abandon you! Wow, way to be dramatic.

 

The fact is you walked out of his house and got in your car. So technically you abandoned the situation. You went into your car just to see if he would run after you?? That's pretty immature.

 

Another thing is expecting people to act the same way your family does make no sense. He's an individual from a different family.

 

The mature thing to do would have been to stay there and talk about it. Not scream, cry and stomp off like a child. Getting in your car and yelling at him out the window because he doesn't have the patience to deal with your temper tantrum is really embarrassing.

 

I really don't think he was being insensitive. I think you are extremely dramatic and make a big deal out of very small problems. You need to do some serious self reflection. You will lose this man if you continue to act this way. Learn how to handle conflict like an adult.

[Vanishing Girl]

A little bit of yes, you should learn to self soothe. It's just a really useful skill to have.

 

But also, why is he inviting you over if he doesn't have time for you? Do you two still go out on proper dates?

 

Yes I wonder too, are there actual dates being had?

 

I also wonder, is he only having you over these times (when he has other things to do) because you're pushing for it? How much time do you spend together vs. separate?

[j.man]

I wouldn't have even gone outside after you. That's some 4 year old "I'm running away" ****.

[SkellyWoozle]

In all honesty, you are behaving like a spoilt brat. If he's working then he's working. Whether he's got time for you or not, it's the way it is. Either you sit down and talk like mature adults and come to some kind of compromise or you go your separate ways due to incompatibility. How often do you see each other otherwise? Do you have to go round at night? What about weekends? Behave like an adult then you'll be treated like one. If you did that to me, I'd ignore you!

[reinventmyself]

how long have you been together?

do you sleep over on other nights?

[SooSad33]

"What usually happens is I lie on his bed and fall asleep. When he's done he wakes me up and says he needs to go to sleep and implies that I should go home. "

- If this is how it often ends up then you have to aim at heading home on your own.. dont fall asleep and WAIT for him to wake you & tell you to go. Then this issue wont keep occuring.

 

Also, what others have asked.. any real dates going on with you two?

How long you been seeing each other?

 

Relationships take time.. respect..communication.. takes work... together.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you are hanging out there too much. Don't go over there unless you plan to spend time together. This drama would stop if you stopped just hanging out there for no reason.

What usually happens is I lie on his bed and fall asleep. When he's done he wakes me up and says he needs to go to sleep and implies that I should go home. He even said that he does not condone my "fits;"

[greta96]

Honestly I don't see any wrong doing on his part.

 

"The first one was when I was over at his house and he was working on some stuff. I was lying on his bed, bored and felt like I should just go home if he wasn't going to talk to me. What usually happens is I lie on his bed and fall asleep. When he's done he wakes me up and says he needs to go to sleep and implies that I should go home. "

 

This is not a date. It makes me think that you are the one who insists on seeing him every day (or more often than he would like), and you are not giving him enough time to himself. He doesn't want to come out and tell you straight up that he would prefer to have some time apart from you every now and then - presumably because when he tries to suggest this it doesn't go smoothly and you resist the idea, and he doesn't want to make you upset and cause a fight - but his actions speak for themselves. He needs his own time to do stuff around the house and whatever else he may need to do, and since you aren't giving him this time, he takes care of business with you there.

An easy fix to this would be for you to back way off, give him lots of space and start going on real dates, maybe 2-3 times/week. See each other less, so the time spent together becomes special again to him, and not just something he has to do, or else all hell breaks loose. Let him miss you sometimes, let him put some effort into planning something for you to do together (and take turn planning these dates), don't be overbearing because no matter how much he may care about you, you will certainly lose him if you continue the way you've been.

 

As for your tantrums and accusing him of not caring about your feelings because he didn't chase you outside and didn't stop you from leaving....you need to get over this stuff fast or you'll lose him. I wouldn't have followed you either, you sound like too much drama and who needs that?

 

I think this relationship is on its last legs, so my advice is mainly for your future relationships. Let the dates be dates, not just hanging out at your boyfriend's house whether he likes it or not just to be in his presence, give him plenty of time to himself and have your own life, friends and hobbies so that your happiness and fun don't revolve around your partner, and never, ever do these childish, dramatic gestures again, and use them to test your partners' love for you, because they are the fastest ways to ruin your relationships. You know who will follow you and beg for you not to leave? A guy who loves drama, and who would make your life miserable if you were in a relationship with him. A nice, mature, level headed guy won't put up with your shenanigans and will prefer to drop you like a hot potato, in favor of a more mature woman who knows how to carry and express herself.

[ThatwasThen]

Sorry, I know you came here to get sympathy and validation but I don't for the life of me know what he did wrong other then tell you that he wasn't going to ask you to go home after he finished what he was working on. However; you pretty much knew what was going to happen because when he has work in the morning, he wants to go to bed when he needs to so I'm surprised you freaked out like you did.

 

Instead of acting so dramatically. Why didn't you just calmly call him out on doing exactly what he said he wasn't going to do and then tell him that from now on you'll not be coming over on nights that he has other things to do then spending quality time with you because it hurts your feelings when things turn out like they have. Then kissed him goodnight and been on you way like the adult that you are.

[No1]

You posted just one argument and you say you two argue a lot so just leads me to ask..

 

Are you happy?

 

If you are not happy in the relationship, then you leave the relationship. If you are staying in it because 50% of the time its great or the sex is good or he is hot or you dont like being alone or you never not had a boyfriend or you think he might change or whatever.. you are making a big mistake.

 

Your solution is very simple. Because if you are not happy but remain in the relationship, then you asking for the drama. Go find someone else who is more compatible with you