esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 I am 56 being in a relationship with my bf for 5 years. Its been up down up down all the time. First he cheated on me several times. Then over time he kept it secret. without warning he then changed in a split second. like he would be nice etc and out of the blue he would be rude and tell met to go. sometimes he would lock the doors so i cannot get in. if i wanted to talk to him about his behavior he ignores me for months on end playing the victim. then he would reappear as if nothing happened at all. he asked me to move in so many times but i refused as each time i did that within a day he would ask me to take everything back again. he never follows through on anything he promises or says which caused me some severe problems as i would order stuff so he would cancel it once its there which is costing me financially. he never apologise. he then started out last couple of months saying HE will phone me i am not allowed to phone him. and IF he does phone me, he would talk about his work and halfway through the call just put the phone down. keeps saying he loves me, but i do not know anymore. the slightest thing ticks him off and i get ignored for weeks. he is also obsessed about his looks and weight. If i cook i am told i am making him fat. then he has this girly friend he goes to her they share secrets etc but i get never invited and if i question this, he ignores me again for weeks. why does he IN FRONT OF ME say to others he is SINGLE but when i act upon that and tell him i am breaking up he goes beserk. i mean, this is so destructive to me i feel so worthless so betrayed etc like i would mow his lawn while he is chatting up his friends then this young girl came saying HE gave his address to her and they are seeing each other 2 years i was stunned as we supposed to date 5 years and this was not the first time. Sometimes he would invite me over but if i get there, he refuses to open the gate for me. then if i leave he goes ohhh you didnt pitch did you....and i WAS THERE. Problem is i fell hard for him he was never like this it changed the last 2 years and i do not know why he has tremendous stress at work i know but surely thats not a reason to do these things. he likes to be the center of attraction but he cannot even hold a decent conversation. Sometimes i think its his friends as they are no good bragging about how they busy cheating on their wives etc any suggestions? please people i really love him i need advice Link to comment
luminousone Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 This man is abusive. Time to really love yourself and only choose to be around people that treat you with respect I suggest you begin counseling so that you can explore why you have allowed someone to treat you this way, and yet you stick around for more. Get lined up with a counselor first, then break up with him for good. And mean it! Link to comment
Iggy5129 Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 You need to love yourself more than you love this man. Leave. He will not change and he's an awful person. There's not really much more to say. Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 thank you i am so crying today i am devasted i just cant take this anymore Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 i did talk to a cousellor i was told it was because i had such a marriage of 30 years i need to be more careful Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 thing is i find it hard to leave him but i am at point now i want to as he extremely rude i mean his daughter tried to committ suicide while he was still married as he was horrible with her i believe. he told me he sometimes for months didnt talk to his wife i guess i didnt see the red flags as i was blinded by love Link to comment
SkellyWoozle Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Esperanza, this man does not love you. He is a narcissistic control freak who will NEVER CHANGE. He has got you dangling on a string, reeling you in and throwing you back out again, and again, and again. Seriously, sweetpea, you need to leave him, right now. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Right now. You don't live with him? Thank heavens for that. This cretin is a horrible man who takes pleasure in his nasty, mean ways which are HIS PROBLEM. Without a doubt he has a hold over you... but as best you can, you need to be strong and break away. This is not a healthy relationship to be in. You are still young (despite what some people might suggest!) and you are never too old to be happy, find love again and discover all those things that those younger than you can. Please, get away from this person. Any counsellor who tells you that YOU need to be careful around this person is worth striking off if you ask me. Find someone you can talk to about this, who will help you, support you and help take you away from this abusive relationship. You are worth so much more than this. You are worthy of a loving, caring, respectful, peaceful life and don't every let anyone tell you different. Sending you hugest love and hugs XX Link to comment
ControlDenied Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Why did you fall in love whit a person who treats you so bad? Have you ever thought about it? Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 you are right i should have left him years ago but then he wasnt like that at all its the last 3 years it all started since he FORGOT his phone in his office over a weekend which i discovered wasnt true then i got hold of pictures him and other girls etc and it just progressed but i still didnt WANT to see or get it. and each time he asks me back he is so nice its unreal and within a week it all starts again. oh my i was stupid stupid stupid Link to comment
SkellyWoozle Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 you are right i should have left him years ago but then he wasnt like that at all its the last 3 years it all started since he FORGOT his phone in his office over a weekend which i discovered wasnt true then i got hold of pictures him and other girls etc and it just progressed but i still didnt WANT to see or get it. and each time he asks me back he is so nice its unreal and within a week it all starts again. oh my i was stupid stupid stupid Hey, don't be hard on yourself. You're not the first and you won't be the last. BUT, and this is the big BUT... you have two choices.... to be strong and walk away from this pig or you stay and the cycle continues. If you can find the support you need then it will be so much easier. Hugs X Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 if i think about the holidays he went with me not paying a cent. i was stupid and everything i offered to him he said was CRAP but he cant even buy toiletpaper? man i am so hurt its unreal i bend backwards for him and never got anything in return the days i asked for just a hug i was told he is not giving it to me as HE doesnt need it... and if i dared question it then i got ignored for weeks on end. i was stupid this was my first time i tried a relationship after my divorce and what a mess i picked wrong Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 the times i asked for a hug i was told no thank you he didnt need it so he did not have the need to give it. i was stupid as this was my first relationship after my divorce i feel so hurt its unreal the vacations he went with not paying a cent and he HAS A JOB and then said whatever i offer wasnt WOW enough i mean i tried but i got to a point now i am done so i am ignoring him back this whole week sofar and i am getting myself together for action if he sms or calls to say no i done Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 the times i asked for a hug i was told no thank you he didnt need it so he did not have the need to give it. i was stupid as this was my first relationship after my divorce i feel so hurt its unreal the vacations he went with not paying a cent and he HAS A JOB and then said whatever i offer wasnt WOW enough i mean i tried but i got to a point now i am done so i am ignoring him back this whole week sofar and i am getting myself together for action if he sms or calls to say no i done thank you shelly i really needed to hear that as i think he brought my selfesteem to ZERO i am going to really pick up the pieces here this time around and i will for sure tell him its NO its actually good he not talking to me now. it gives me time to recoop and gather my thoughts. but i am done i just need a push but i will do it this time as this is like the 100th time this happened. i actually kept a log book for this i mean this whole year so far i saw him 20 days....and i wasnt allowed to ask any questions whatsoever its absurd Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 its skelly not shelly i cant even spell correct tonight sorry Link to comment
ControlDenied Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 You have given this man a lot of power to control you. It is time that you take back control of yourself. Never give anyone control of yourself! Link to comment
SkellyWoozle Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 its skelly not shelly i cant even spell correct tonight sorry Worry not - I've heard worse Anyway, onwards and upwards, eh? Always here if you want to message me. Little steps forward are better than no steps at all. Hugs X Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 Worry not - I've heard worse Anyway, onwards and upwards, eh? Always here if you want to message me. Little steps forward are better than no steps at all. Hugs X thank you skelly i will take one step at a time. babysteps there is so much going through my head now ai i recall him upset over a waitress and when i told him calm down he threw the food in my face i couldnt believe it again i was ignored weeks after that oh and the plenty times we went shopping he left me stranded at the mall for hours then returned and told me he took a nap i was so upset then and again i got ignored for weeks so i feel pretty much it was all my fault that i CHOOSE to be treated like this so i going to stop this right now. Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 thank you skelly i will take one step at a time. babysteps there is so much going through my head now ai i recall him upset over a waitress and when i told him calm down he threw the food in my face i couldnt believe it again i was ignored weeks after that oh and the plenty times we went shopping he left me stranded at the mall for hours then returned and told me he took a nap i was so upset then and again i got ignored for weeks so i feel pretty much it was all my fault that i CHOOSE to be treated like this so i going to stop this right now. the problem was i could never talk to him or discuss anything whatsoever as he refused any discussions. i learned then to keep it to myself as i knew if i opened my mouth i would be ignored for weeks on end. Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 the problem was i could never talk to him or discuss anything whatsoever as he refused any discussions. i learned then to keep it to myself as i knew if i opened my mouth i would be ignored for weeks on end. i am so glad i refused to move in with him a couple of times. perhaps that ticked him off but i mean its way to unstable. imagine my disbelief each time i took my clothes there and within a day was asked to take it all back. its rude. i am not 20 anymore no one does this to another i told him that calmly only to be ignored again for weeks. what Link to comment
SkellyWoozle Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Random question.... does he have a key to your house? If so, get the locks changed X Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 whatever happend it was always oh YOU made me act out. How could I? I barely spoke to him as i couldnt. if weekends came and i send sms asking can i come over he got furious saying i am invading his privacy over smsing on phone? it was ONE sms. then at the last minute always he would phone giving me basically 10 minutes to get there and its half an hours drive and then he upset cause i took so long.....saying i am not respectful? how come? the stash porn i discovered in his washing machine he went ballistic about it i told him if his work knows this he will get suspended he always had an answer for everything he said SOMEONE put it in his car and he didnt know what to do so he put in in washing machine come on i not that dumm Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 Random question.... does he have a key to your house? If so, get the locks changed X i had the locks changed this week as i know he will try to get to me sometime as he did so before. Link to comment
SkellyWoozle Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 i had the locks changed this week as i know he will try to get to me sometime as he did so before. Good. Do you have anyone who can stay with you for a while? Or, do you have anywhere you can stay? Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 sometimes i thought he had a mental disorder as he would sit in the house all curtains drawn no tv radio whatsover and just stared at nothing. then i couldnt go near him he said so himself you better go NOW as he not going to be responsible for whats going to happen as he didnt know what was wrong with him. other times in the middle of the night he woke me looked strange and ordered me RIGHT NOW to pack my things and GO. i mean who does this? And ME for allowing that and kept going back why did i do this i really need to work on myself as this is disasterous Link to comment
esperanza Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 i have my own place and no i live by myself for years now. my kids grown married live far i retired teacher but i be ok i do have a couple of friends i will go visit them as i dearly neglected them last couple of months Link to comment
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