Broke up as he's confused feelings for ex

[Tabitha K]

I met someone a year ago we began speaking and seeing each other all the time .Daily messages . He'd been split from his ex for a year. She had cheated on him and left him for someone else . They'd been together for 12 years and had 2 kids

 

He told me he was falling for me and would tell me he loves me almost daily. We had sex for the first time 2 months after we met and he changed completely . I didn't hear from him at all the next day till I contacted him first. When I pulled him up on it he said to me he loved me as a friend and he wasn't in love with me . He really hurt me but we resumed a platonic friendship for a while.

 

Then he decided he wanted to be with me and he started dating in November and we were really close and it was great. Roll on December and Xmas he was so distant seemed obsessed with having a family Xmas with his ex and his kids.

I didn't see him for almost 2 weeks because of this he was supposed to see me on new years eve but got too drunk the night before and as we didn't have a plans to go he blew me out .

 

We went away for valentines weekend and on the way back we were discussing our ex's. He told me he would always be loyal to her. I broke up with him the next day over that with him telling me they have ties and a connection. Kids as ties I can understand. I felt it went beyond that.

 

He spent time with his ex and his kids they had a day out and he rang me to say he felt confused .

 

We carried on being friends and fell back into a relationship. His ex let her daughter come back home to live with him. He had a meltdown and I was there for him.

 

She was ty to him another time and he felt suicidal but again I helped him through it.

 

I've always been there whenever he's needed me . I've just felt like when he's ex's new boyfriend wasn't on the scene or when she wanted to play nice she would throw crumbs at him and he lapped them up . He would be distant with me . Yet when she wasn't playing nice he we would be close.

 

He had another break down and is now on anti depressants .

 

We were starting to get really close and he kept telling me and everyone else I was a keeper. And how he should marry me as I was incredible standing by him . His kids and family love me his daughter and his mother both say he should marry me.

 

 

It was his daughters bday recently and they held a party at their house . I asked if I could come along and drop off her gift. He was totally against the idea and said it's not the time or place for me to meet his ex for the first time as it would create animosity.

I felt that I should be part of that how can he want a future with me but not want me to be a part of his life and us be living 2 seperate lives.

 

This led to me asking about us and our future he now said he doesn't want any of the things I want. He doesn't want to get married and he can't see us living together because of kids and used schools as an excuse.

 

He had a day out with his ex and kids and says it felt like old times and when the day ended he didn't want her to go .

 

He's now come out and admitted he still has feelings for his ex but he also cares for me . He's confused on what to do doesn't see a way back or a way forward.

 

He's just found out that his ex split from her bf in June.

 

His ex is around this weekend and he's largely ignoring me again .

 

It's always been like that I felt like her needs always came first. He hasn't dealt with the breakup and I felt like he was using their kids as an excuse to hold onto her . He throws everything into making it about kids but it's not its about her .

[milly007]

Tabitha, I would leave this guy. He's blowing hot and cold and playing games. He's with you one minute, and then unsure the next. This isn't a healthy relationship. Please don't continue subjecting yourself to this. You deserve more and to be with someone who unquestionably wants to be with you.

[SkellyWoozle]

He's playing games with you Whilst I understand the ties he has because of his kids, if he wants to be with you then he should be with you. To be honest, it also sounds like she's playing mind games with him and he's torn by playing happy families a day being given with you. Maybe if he chooses the latter, she won't be quite so amenable when it comes to the children. Either way, you're stuck in the middle of their antics and until he makes up his mind nothing is going to change X

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he is still very much hung up on his ex and stringing you along while he tries to get back with her.

 

Save yourself a lot of heartache and end things.

He doesn't want to get married and he can't see us living together because of kids and used schools as an excuse. He had a day out with his ex and kids and says it felt like old times and when the day ended he didn't want her to go

[Tabitha K]

Is it games on his part i don't know but I know it's games on her part. Whether they're on purpose or not. He said to me he's a decent guy and he didn't intend to hurt me . I said what's intention in the face of action.

 

It's like he doesn't want to progress things any further because he doesn't want her to get hurt. When she was upset that I'd been around her daughter he dismissed it made out like our relationship wasn't serious so she had nothing to worry about.

 

He's a decent guy to her and his kids and it seems everyone else except towards me . I really love him I know what the right thing to do is . I need to walk away.

 

He wants us to be friends whilst he has headspace.

 

He says he didn't intend to hurt me but can't see a way forward. I asked how does everyone else do it. Forge new ties and relationships he says he doesn't know. I said how do step families exist . He didn't have an answer.

 

I've also asked him what's the difference between them being together and not . I feel like it's a relationship except for the sleeping together. He used to come to me with any news or tell me about his day we would be emotionally close. But then she starts and decides to be all nicey with him he forgets I exist all that closeness you would expect from a partner goes away . And he's close to her again until the next time .

 

She doesn't even want him back . It's so obvious to me that he still loves her so if I can see it i know she can ask well . If she said she wanted to try again he would drop me just like that . The only reason he hasn't spoken out yet is he's worried about getting back together then splitting up again and what that would do to the kids .

 

She cheated on him lied about it . Moved his kids miles away . Led him on made him think there was a chance they could get back together whilst still seeing her new boyfriend. In that first year he'd considered suicide based on what she had done. Yet he's forgiven her all for it .

 

Since I've met him I've been there for him always whether it was his breakdowns his money problems his car problems . Whatever it was i helped him . I've bought him food as he didn't have enough money to feed himself and his kids .I've paid to get his car repaired .I've been his shoulder to cry on . I gave him all I had.

 

He can't be with me as he has feelings for her . I knew it as he'd been denying it saying he's been trying to forget. Maybe he had been . But when push came to shove he never seems to choose me.

 

His ex lives 200 miles away she's kept one child and the other lives with him.

There was a time he was sick and I hadn't seen him for a week. We also work at the same place.

His ex had dropped his daughter to school and would be going home but had forgotten school clothes . Instead of saying come with me whilst I pick it up from the ex I haven't seen you for a week. Or instead of making her drop it off to him at work before continuing her journey he decides to leave me hanging and rushes off see her . And makes out that I'm being unreasonable.

 

I understand making it easy for the ex as she has a long journey home with a 3 year old and I understand the other child's school clothes needed dropping. But he hadn't seen me for a week . What harm would it have been if I had gone with him. He doesn't want her to see me as that might hurt his feelings.

[Wiseman2]

Sadly, he's probably being honest about that. Don't be his "friend" or backup plan or wait around in limbo while he continues to act like a married family man. He may think of this more as an affair or fling.

he dismissed it made out like our relationship wasn't serious so she had nothing to worry about. He wants us to be friends whilst he has headspace.

[Tabitha K]

He's told me that by moving forward with me would mean hurting her and he doesn't want to do that as she's the mother of his children. I said to him I'm also a mother a daughter a sister. I've not done anything wrong shouldn't my feelings be protected too. He seemed shocked and like he hadn't even considered that concept

[Wiseman2]

Sorry you need to end it. He doesn't care about you. You were just a warm body while he was hurting from the divorce. He doesn't see you as a person.

He's told me that by moving forward with me would mean hurting her and he doesn't want to do that as she's the mother of his children

[MissCanuck]

He's still in love with his ex, OP. He's putting her first because he is very likely hoping to reconcile. Sadly, he's been honest with you that he doesn't want the same things you do anymore. It hurts, but you need to listen to him. He's had one foot out the door for the duration of your relationship. It's time for you to shut that door altogether than continue being a virtual FWB to this guy.

 

You say she throws breadcrumbs and he laps it up - yet he's doing the same thing to you. Don't allow yourself to be treated like the back-up plan. Find someone who wants you and only you, consistently. Your relationship with this man is done.

[Tabitha K]

He says he's thinking it through and he hasn't told her how he feels . I know I was just a meaningless rebound .

 

He says he's split with me because he can't give himself like he should. I just feel like such a fool . I was used and discarded. He might not have intended to but that's what happened .

[Wiseman2]

He led you on quite a bit. Don't feel like a fool, he's the fool.

I just feel like such a fool.He might not have intended to but that's what happened .

[milly007]

He says he's thinking it through and he hasn't told her how he feels . I know I was just a meaningless rebound .

 

He says he's split with me because he can't give himself like he should. I just feel like such a fool . I was used and discarded. He might not have intended to but that's what happened .

 

He continues to do the same thing over and over. He says he wants to be with you, then says he doesn't know. He's either in or out. You've given him more than enough chances. Please move on from this man. He doesn't deserve anymore of your attention. This is not a healthy relationship.

[janut1]

This relationship is going no where. You have to wake up and see that. You can say he says this and that, but actions speak louder then words. He doesn't love you. You are helping him by paying for things, which I would never do with someone who is in love with his X. You are enabling him, so yea why not keep you around. He knows you will drop everything to save him and be there for him. If he needs money or sex, there you are. Easy!

 

He is not even close to be ready to be in another relationship. Some people take YEARS to get over a divorce. He is going to be going through this for years. Do you want to wait for him to come back one day? Do you want to go through this hot/cold relationship he is giving you now forever? You could meet someone else and be happy. Please move on and get yourself together. You might want to get some therapy to see why you are attracted to unavailable men too. Stop giving yourself away for nothing in return.

 

I have been divorces for 5 years and my X husband is just now starting to date. I dated sooner. The reason I tell you this is he was not ready to move on because he wanted the family back. So I am glad he took the time to heal so he can really move on.

[Tabitha K]

I just feel really stupid. Used led on and thrown aside like garbage. I've been humiliated and made a fool of. I hate myself for thinking he would change or mean what he said . I feel so ashamed

 

 

This relationship is going no where. You have to wake up and see that. You can say he says this and that, but actions speak louder then words. He doesn't love you. You are helping him by paying for things, which I would never do with someone who is in love with his X. You are enabling him, so yea why not keep you around. He knows you will drop everything to save him and be there for him. If he needs money or sex, there you are. Easy!

 

He is not even close to be ready to be in another relationship. Some people take YEARS to get over a divorce. He is going to be going through this for years. Do you want to wait for him to come back one day? Do you want to go through this hot/cold relationship he is giving you now forever? You could meet someone else and be happy. Please move on and get yourself together. You might want to get some therapy to see why you are attracted to unavailable men too. Stop giving yourself away for nothing in return.

 

I have been divorces for 5 years and my X husband is just now starting to date. I dated sooner. The reason I tell you this is he was not ready to move on because he wanted the family back. So I am glad he took the time to heal so he can really move on.