Should I contact my ex? (Plz read)

[KayBey]

My ex and I were together for almost a year and during the entire summer (3) months, my boyfriend stayed in my apartment and we constantly fought over stupid things. It was really bad. I believe our problems stem from his uncertainty about life after school (he's an international student). In any case, we're both in college (he's finishing undergrad and I just started grad school) and recently broke up because of the arguments. I was devastated! My ex is an athlete and plays soccer for his university. Surprisingly, this year, his coach appointed him to be the team's captain. While excited and nervous, my ex stated that he needs time to focus and since we were arguing so much over the summer, he wants a break. He said he's not ready for a relationship at this time. Of course, I tried to convince him that we can make it work, but he continued to say that he needed space. I never want to pressure anyone to be with me, if they don't want to be in my company or life. But I love him so much. In any case, I agreed to let him go although my heart was broken to pieces. Following our last phone conversation, he sent me a text stating that he thinks about me all the time and although it appears that he's making it look easy to move on, it's not. After that convo, I went No Contact (NC). It's been 3 weeks since we last spoke and each day I'm healing but still miss him terribly.

 

Although I know I should be moving on, I still watch his soccer games to see how he's doing. He doesn't know I'm watching. Before we broke up, we had a little signal (to say, I love you) each time they call his name at the beginning of the game. He still does the signal even after the break up. Well, guys honestly, he's not doing well. The team has not won a game and he looks rather bad. He has let his hair grow and now wearing an unshaved beard. He has even had a few injuries on the field. Yet, he still continues to play hard. I have never seen him this broken before.

 

Now my question is this: should I reach out to him just see if he's okay? Or maybe call to give him some encouragement? He has not reached out to me since the NC and I'm respecting his wishes to give him space. But to see him slip into this "seemingly depressed" state is killing me. What should I do?

 

Thanks for reading!

[Josh639]

Hello Keybay,

From what I can tell, you're having problems with your ex. Well, this is my first post, but I can say with certainty that, if this man is worth it, if you can see a future together, if you see your kids growing up playing soccer and doing whatever you want them to do, than ask him to talk to you. He still does that whole hand signal deal, so he must still have some attachment to you, and, from what I read, he broke up with you, and believe me, as a man who has broken up with the lady of my dream a couple of times, it's not a good feeling, what he's feeling.he regrets leaving you, and he's kicking his butt knowing that he left a fine woman such as yourself. I'd personally text him now and ask to talk as friends. If he agrees, talk about the things you have been noticing, and tell him about how you didn't like how the last relationship went. If he offers to go back out with you, give him some space; let him play his soccer, and study what he's studying. However, always make sure to be the spine that holds him together. This may be confusing advice, but I know people like him; you just need to warm up to him.

[KayBey]

Thanks, Josh639. I really want to reach out to him because I love him. I can see a future with him but not sure he thinks the same at this point. How do I become the spine to hold him together, if he says he's not ready for a relationship and wants space? I honestly want the best for him but of course my heart is still there as well. Please give me insight on this type of man.

[MissCanuck]

With all due respect, I very much disagree with Josh639.

 

It is not your job to be the spine to hold him together. I know it's hard, but I would strongly advise you to stop watching his games and do not reach out to him. He asked for space; respect that. At this time, he doesn't want you to be his spine. Watching his games and looking for signs that he is thinking about you or needs you isn't healthy.

 

He left the relationship for a reason. Please don't look for ways to insert yourself back into his life. He knows you want to be together and he knows where to find you if he is interested in reconciliation.

 

Imagine the alternative here: you reach out to encourage him, he says thank you. And then what? Or, you reach out and you two start talking again and you come to find out he's seeing someone else. My point in saying this is that you might not get the response you want, and it might hurt you further.

 

Go No Contact for real this time. No game-watching allowed!

[KayBey]

Thanks. Miss Canuck. I told myself that I have to stop watching his games online but I still love him very much. It's just hard because I know he's stressed and feeling a lot of pressure and probably broke up with me because he feels inadequate and unsure about the next phase of his life (thoughts of staying here in the US, able to pay for grad school, will he get a job, can he go pro or play with another league, etc). It's like he has something to prove. Or could it be someone else? I really try not to think of this. We always talked about marriage, family/kids, etc...it just shocked me that after all of that, he told me he needs space and now isn't ready for a relationship. Why would he still make the signals? Is it regret, actually missing me or just playing with my emotions because he knows I'll watch his games even though we've broken up? My ex is very sensitive (cries at the drop of a hat...took some time for me to accept that about a guy but I guess men can be super sensitive as well). But after this summer and the arguing, I did see a change like he had frozen his feelings, part of the reason why we argued (go figure). At the beginning of the break up, his mom told me to continue to reach out to him because of the way he is but I was too hurt to hear anymore rejection from him.

 

Honestly I'm doing better, some days are better than others but it just pains me to see him slip so far.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you went no contact after the breakup. Unfortunately not only did you not get along, you did not agree on values, goals, the future, etc.

 

Be glad he was honest and stated he needs his freedom right now rather than string you along. No do not reach out. He's a big boy and will do fine without you, otherwise he wouldn't have broken up.

 

It seems you smothered and mothered him and that of course will make anyone run. Perhaps work on that tendency before your next relationship.

we constantly fought over stupid things. and recently broke up because of the arguments. He said he's not ready for a relationship at this time.

[MissCanuck]

His mother means well, but she is not her son. It would be rather disrespectful to ignore his wishes in favour of his mom's.

 

Most of us have been where you are, at some point. Hurt and confused and wondering what really made the person end it. And many of us also talked about a future with our exes, when we'd get married, have kids and so on. Unfortunately, that is no guarantee that someone's feelings won't change. But you yourself admit you two were fighting a lot. That can get tiresome very quickly, and points to deeper incompatibilities.

 

This isn't to say your ex isn't struggling with stress or depression. He could very well be. But that doesn't mean he wants your help getting through it. I've been there too, and watched an ex who was clearly not coping well with some things in his life. I tried to be supportive even though we were no longer a couple. I learned very quickly, however, that he didn't want my help. He meant it when he said he couldn't have a relationship. And so that was that.

 

The bottom line is that your ex knows where you are. He knows how to contact you. If he wants to reconcile, he needs to be doing a heck of a lot more than making some coded gesture to you.

[KayBey]

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I'll continue with no contact. You're right, if he wants to find me, he knows how to reach me. And yes, he broke up with me for a reason (whatever is was)...and no, I don't believe it was my smothering or mothering him., ie, reason why I agreed to let him go without all the craziness with break ups, even though I felt like my world was ending. In the beginning of the break up, both of our families were trying to get us to reconcile (we had great relationships with each other's family), but my ex and I talked about things and his decision was to let go "at this time." We both wanted a future, not just me pressuring him for it, so yes, it was a shocker and definitely hurtful when he wanted to break up. But as you all have said, I will move on. Thx!

[KayBey]

***Update*** I want to thank everyone for advising me to go no contact with my ex boyfriend. So after 60 days of NC, I found out that he had been talking to another girl during our relationship. He has now put their relationship on Facebook. Im still not sure how long they have been together without my knowledge, but reality set in once I found out. It was very hurtful to find out this info. I honestly thought I was going crazy during our relationship because of the arguing. I even blamed myself for our relationship ending but now I know I wasn't crazy and our arguments were due to him cheating and lying. I guess the guilt was too much for him to carry while with me. I'm still hurt and miss him terribly but I've finally gotten the closure I've been waiting for all this time. Lesson learned: when your boyfriend starts to act up and then needs space = another woman in the picture, so end it and move on.