My own worst enemy (Long)

[RAlone]

Hello, here I submit my most immediate predicament for advice.

 

I'd written out two long rambling posts before going with this. One a description and case file for my mental health. One the backstory to this story. I guess I'm writing this, because I want help with the damage control of the latest issues that I am suffering. Starts love ends with needing to deal with friendship and friends. Emotions and Feelings everywhere. So. Relationships I guess.

 

I am approaching 30 and forever alone. Depression afflicted since 12 - probably earlier. Inadequate upbringing and engagement with family and all other humans. Dysfunctional to say the least.

 

There is a woman in question. I have apparently been in love with her for about 14 years. Some epic poor mental health assisted denial there. I had expressed my feelings back then, but my depression, social anxiety and so much else seemed to get in the way and shut everything down. I didn't manage to address the feelings. A note that we knew each other, because of the group of people we hung around.

 

I believe we were friends. We did keep in contact during university. We cared about each other. Though she managed to trigger my first breakdown and according to her bestest friends I resided in the friendzone. Nonetheless I often wanted to see talk to her and see her. She would brighten my day. I would always have a soft spot for her. She got married eventually. I think I managed to convince myself I was okay and didn't feel that way more.

 

The marriage failed. Awful guy. She left him and started the painful process of divorce. Though she had to make an escape. Though she had her own dark times. I wasn't there for her. I guess they didn't feel I was needed to help, the others in the group. I only ever heard things after the fact. She was distant to me at gatherings and the time dragged on. She was sad and I couldn't do anything - so wrapped up in my own struggles. I also think she was screwed over by the divorce lawyers and cleaned her out of her savings.

 

Eventually she was able to move into a place with one of the friends from the group. She seemed to finally be seeing some relief. Of course I was having a particularly awful time in a particularly awful year. Right when I was down, I heard she'd met someone. That really hurt. I seemed to have a reflexive 'Oh ' moment in my head. My mind I think tried to shut down and ignore even whilst I was enduring the pain.

 

Weeks later she invited me out for a chat, despite being busy. This... Had never happened before. Apparently she noticed I'd been down before and wanted to check up on me. Imagine my emotional enthusiasm at this. It felt as though this was our first real conversation ever. Before it had been trivial everyday things at best. And more online than in person. But for all that. Between this time and my Birthday, I managed to get much more gory detail on how well she was getting on with this guy. Emotional cripple. Some kinds of denial.

 

Between the awful times and coming up to my 29th birthday, I felt as if death was coming. At this late stage it occurred to me, that lifelong depression prevented me from getting to know everyone in the group. For my Birthday I was actually trying to push this, even as I started feeling as though I was dying inside. Life does this to me. I try to make progress. Life crushes me. I find that everyone has busy lives. Other friends. They're all married or LTR. I realise not for the first time that they are all closer and more familiar with each other than they are with me.

 

Meeting up with people one by one - or two by two sometimes, I kept trying to go on and be more social. Talking with a loudmouthed obnoxious guy, I accepted my feelings. His words would not prove helpful - "So when the hell you two getting together?". During this time she was also having a hard time due to family and divorce issues. Guy dragging his heels on divorce. And so I had been worrying about her. And she seemed to avoid contact with me. Me worry, she no contact. Then the next dinner gathering, she turned up with her guy - all happy and smiles. Gimme back my worry and sleepless nights dammit.

 

Later I'd think at least she was okay. We didn't speak that night. She seemed to ignore me somewhat. I ended up desperately calling up a mutual friend. Her bestest friend out of the country. I would confess my feelings to her. She knew already. She reaffirmed my friendzone. I told her that I had seen them together. I saw she was happy. She told me that she'd never seen her so happy. That I should just be a friend to her. I said I like I was a stranger. That she was much friendlier most everyone else she knew. She thought perhaps she was trying to keep me from getting false hopes. Hah. Guilty. Unconsciously. What rationality i had left knew that. I blame loud obnoxious guy for putting ideas in my head. She also told me to take care of myself, not do anything stupid, for I have to be there for her wedding next year.

 

Easier said than done.

 

Since, I've not exactly been stable. I thought if I was being strangerzoned, then I would have to treat her - the woman I love - as a stranger. Well. The first time I saw her again, she pretty much ignored me. And that was exquisitely painful. With my resolve eviscerated within a week, I thought I should try being a friend. It's an unfortunate fact, that just having a conversation with her can clear my depression. She can make me do things that i would normally not feel able to do. With a lifetime of depression these effects are rather miraculous. Just, it doesn't seem appropriate to rely on a 'friend' who i have feelings for in such a way.

 

I pushed on with my plan to see everyone more. Eventually her turn to be asked out for a chat. The answer: "Hi. I don't think it's appropriate for me to see a guy alone even if its a friend. I don't wanna upset [name redacted] since it's still early days."

 

... This was after they'd been seeing each other very often for 3 months and become official.

 

I guess I feel p goddamn rejected. However, due to my social experience, I'm really unsure how to interpret.

Am I being told to go away?

Is he being controlling?

Or is she really just that keen to keep a hold on him after her painful divorce?

 

This was a month ago. I've not felt able to contact her at all since. And I've not heard from her. I guess the unknown is doing things to my mind. I miss her.

 

My current condition. If anyone made it this far.

Instability. I seem to dip into deep depression every day. It's difficult to function feeling like I'm dying inside. I could go back into binging some series or game nonstop. But that's lost its efficacy over the years. I've lost enough of my life doing that. I wanted to get better this year. But as always, something knocks me down. As I am, I feel like withdrawing and hiding away again.

 

Did I interpret that last message right?

What does it mean to be a friend? Do friends not talk or see each other every so often?

Is that not appropriate for a male and a female friend?

Are they - the group - friends? Because the times we see each other are few and far between. Weeks or months may pass without seeing them. Is it strange for me to want to see people more?

They say you should talk to a friend for support. But can I? What hell do I say? "Actually I'm not okay, I'm dying inside, on the verge of breakdown at any moment and borderline suicidal"? I'm to say that to everyone? What could they even do to help?

Do I just intrude upon their busy lives and drop this on them?

 

I'm in this self created situation where the one person I've confessed to is a very busy mutual friend i don't get to talk to. In desperation I've sort of latched onto one person who understands mental health problems a little. However. I have avoided telling them about my feelings. I seem to feel that our place as friends is to be supportive of the happy relationship. So I try to avoid letting them know that one in their midst might feel differently.

 

Searching for help, some say I should just cut off all contact. But these people - it means cutting off contact with all of them. All the people with whom I am supposedly friendly with. Sounds like fast track to suicide to me. I had thought if I could just be around as a friend, the relief and motivation she can give me, can give me some kind of footing to try and sort my life. Maybe, even after 14 years, its an infatuation after all and getting to know her better would free me.

 

I have thought that perhaps, should I ever get to talk to her again, I should confront and try to clear the air. Define our friendship. If any. Make clear whether I should just go, or I can try to be friends.

 

No idea how coherent that is. But clicking Submit is taking me a few hours to do.

[Wiseman2]

Does she think you are friends?

Maybe, even after 14 years, its an infatuation after all and getting to know her better would free me. I have thought that perhaps, should I ever get to talk to her again, I should confront and try to clear the air. Define our friendship.

[bunzana]

First off I want to give you a big virtual hug. I've struggled with depression for many years, and I know how difficult it can be, and what you are going through is not easy. However, from reading your story I also think you have been using this infatuation as a crutch, and not dealing with your own issues. Someone cannot cure you of depression. They can momentarily make you feel happy, but the same feelings of sadness and loneliness are bound to return. You may think that being with her will cause all of these feelings to go away, but they wont. Only you can work through these issues, with the help of a therapist. Have you seen a psychiatrist, or tried antidepressants?

 

I also realize that cutting yourself off from your friends would also lead to further depressive episodes, but constantly seeing a woman who you have such strong feelings for, but does not return them, is not healthy. Do you have another group of friends you could try spending more time with? Perhaps seeing them more one on one instead of in group settings could help.

 

Again, I'm sorry you're in this situation, and I feel for you. But the best thing for you to do for your own mental health, is to stop seeing and contacting this woman. She has made it clear she does not feel the way you feel about her. Work on yourself, love yourself, and then maybe one day you will meet someone who can give you what you need.

[moodindigo91]

Virtual hugs from me as well, this was heartbreaking to read.

 

I agree with bunzana that you seem to be holding out for some sort of cure for your depression and for some reason a long time ago you identified her as your cure. I think that by doing that, you set yourself up for failure and many years of necessary pain. You have some sort of savior complex going on here, you have placed her on a pedestal and have not taken her down despite the fact that you essentially have no chance with her. Her life seems like it's pretty much a mess anyway. I think you need to let her go and really put your thought and energy and turn it inward to yourself. You've wasted 14 years of pain and anguish over this woman. Time to stop!

[SooSad33]

Hi RA, I am sorry for your pains.. and I too, understand depression, as I also deal with it....

 

As mentioned above and I agree with them... is you should really stop aiming yourself towards this woman.

Seeing and thinking of her this way is not going to help you.. and will only continue this anguish for you.

 

Best to aim away from her and have as little to do as possible.

 

Re: depression.. have you tried any med's? Have you done therapy? Talking is helpful! I am in therapy and have been for over 3 years now.

Depression is usually an ongoing struggle and yes, we feel we're getting 'up' there then something will cause us to fall again Really difficult.

 

But... I think it's time to aim your focus on yourself. No one else.

Try getting out for some air.. take nature walks. Do you have family to visit with?

 

I really do think it will do you a world of good to 'accept' what you'd like with her is not possible... I know it hurts.

Many things do in this Life of ours.

 

One day at a time. Please.. take care of You.

[trickykid]

Hmmm, that was long.

 

I think what I have taken out of this is, that you have found someone that understands your situation and you have kind of latched onto that and now you are in a place where you are dependent on this person for something, maybe because they make you feel good, maybe because you can be honest with them, maybe because you can just talk to them. So what I can take out of this is you have put all of your eggs in one basket here, which isnt good because now you have been kind of left alone.

 

As painful as this may sound, you may have to let her go for now. I dont think there is anything she is doing that is bad toward you, when she says its not appropriate to meet alone, she kind of means, she wouldnt meet any man alone as she is in a relationship and probably wants to be faithful to her partner and the fact you have a history together, kind of means if she meets you alone, it would look to her partner that she is cheating, when she probably isnt, but it could look that way, so she would like to avoid that.

 

So what do you do? Apart from games and tv series? Believe me I get sucked into them too, Ive spent months watching the Sopranos and playing Doom haha. You know what the best treatment for depression is? Nature. Being outside is the best treatment for depression, do you live near woods and mountains, go for a walk there and listen to the sounds, do you live near the sea? go for a walk near the sea. Anytime I get down, I dont want to leave the house, so I drag my ass out of the house and I go for a walk, I feel great after it and then dont want to go home. Im lucky I have both mountains and sea near where I live.

 

Maybe its best for you to try something else, different groups maybe, there are groups for people with depression. Stop dwelling on this girl and look after yourself for a while, mental stuff is hard going, doing something positive is even harder but its the best thing when you do it, even if you have to drag yourself to doing it

[Hollyj]

Are you in therapy or on meds?

[RAlone]

Thanks for the replies.

Hmmm, that was long.

It strikes me that a lot of my answers are in my post and the other two rambling things I've written and not posted.

 

Does she think you are friends?

Yes. I think so.

 

Though I have been wondering that I don't know what it means to be friends. Or how to go about it.

 

infatuation

think so huh?

 

Someone cannot cure you of depression. They can momentarily make you feel happy, but the same feelings of sadness and loneliness are bound to return. You may think that being with her will cause all of these feelings to go away, but they wont.

I said before - a conversation was able to clear my depression totally for a few days. And more than that, it was due to a conversation with her that I tried online dating and exercise classes for a few months.

This was despite my avoidance of online dating due to the anticipated new arena of rejection.

And despite my experience of intense and lesser exercise being utterly ineffective in making me feel better.

 

Unfortunate that it is. I can only conclude that she can give me relief and strength to continue.

not dealing with your own issues.... Only you can work through these issues, with the help of a therapist....

 

.....Work on yourself....

you need ...really put your thought and energy and turn it inward to yourself.

I think it's time to aim your focus on yourself.

...

One day at a time. Please.. take care of You.

look after yourself for a while,

A decade and failing baby.

 

constantly seeing a woman who you have such strong feelings for,

Haven't seen her for over a month actually. Going mad regardless.

Do you have another group of friends you could try spending more time with?

Nope.

Perhaps seeing them more one on one instead of in group settings could help.

Meeting up with people one by one - or two by two sometimes, I kept trying to go on and be more social.

Few and far between. Not really helping.

love yourself

Actually impossible.

using this infatuation as a crutch....But the best thing for you to do for your own mental health, is to stop seeing and contacting this woman.

I agree with bunzana that you seem to be holding out for some sort of cure for your depression and for some reason a long time ago you identified her as your cure.

This latest thing only reared its head and got me four months ago.

 

In a way it even worse ladies(?). A few years ago I'd hypothesised that my subconscious has warped into a state where I can no longer be satisfied with just friends or company - but having a close partner with whom I can share life. I consider the unprecedented event of being free from depression for a little while and being able to do things I wouldn't normally have done just from having a little of her company confirmation of that.

 

The only difference this case makes is that I am focused on one person and triggered this latest depressive phase.

If I hadn't rediscovered my feelings for her I could very well just be dying inside from loneliness without any particular person on my mind. It's happened a bunch of times over the years.

then maybe one day you will meet someone who can give you what you need.

Not sure if many forever aloners around here. But this kind of thing feels the most painful to hear for someone who's been alone and unloved for their entire existence.

You have some sort of savior complex going on here, you have placed her on a pedestal and have not taken her down despite the fact that you essentially have no chance with her. Her life seems like it's pretty much a mess anyway.

She's actually happy and been doing well these last few months.

 

Not sure how this is a saviour complex.

You've wasted 14 years of pain and anguish over this woman. Time to stop!

As mentioned above and I agree with them... is you should really stop aiming yourself towards this woman.

Seeing and thinking of her this way is not going to help you.. and will only continue this anguish for you.

 

Best to aim away from her and have as little to do as possible.

 

I really do think it will do you a world of good to 'accept' what you'd like with her is not possible... I know it hurts.

Stop dwelling on this girl

While it spans 14 years, the amount of time where I was consciously aware of it was less than half that. And I consider the entirety of my 29 years and 4 months wasted.

 

If I had any ability to control my mind I would have happily shut down the last 17 years of mental health problems.

Have you seen a psychiatrist, or tried antidepressants?

Re: depression.. have you tried any med's? Have you done therapy? Talking is helpful! I am in therapy and have been for over 3 years now.

there are groups for people with depression.

Are you in therapy or on meds?

Mental Health history was the other thing I wrote. Looking for help spanned ten years. If I don't count the utterly unhelpful first psychiatrist I saw.

 

Escitalopram - Didn't notice anything

Mirtazapine - turned me into a medicated zombie for a few years. Barely functional at work. Sobbing every session with counsellor. Though that may have just been her. Dangerous driving.

Duloxetine - Enabled me to function for awhile. Messes up my sweat system. Made me lose my hair.

Sertraline - Current. Enabled me to function for awhile. Not stopping me from being miserable atm.

 

I've seen 3-4 psychiatrists - first one just told me to go away. The others would only see me about 2-3 times a year. Eventually stopped seeing me as they could only give me drugs.

Mental Health by phone - They sent me worksheets to fill in. They call me to see if I filled them in.

4 counsellors - Usually just told to stop due to lack of progress. Weekly for most of the years. One was fun. Made me sob at or after every session.

Hypnotherapist - Saw her for a while. Ultimately no help beyond being encouraging - failed to hold back a series of breakdowns and sent me back to health services.

Mental Health Team - Case worker useless. Only one kindly person there saw me for awhile, but was discharged.

Self help groups - Generally failed to develop a rapport with anyone.

 

I consider the decade of work with mental health services as a spectacular waste of time.

Do you have family to visit with?

no

Many things do in this Life of ours.

And I seem wholly uninterested in most of it. Mainly in wanting someone to share life with.

I think what I have taken out of this is, that you have found someone that understands your situation and you have kind of latched onto that and now you are in a place where you are dependent on this person for something, maybe because they make you feel good, maybe because you can be honest with them, maybe because you can just talk to them. So what I can take out of this is you have put all of your eggs in one basket here, which isnt good because now you have been kind of left alone.

Not quite. That mention near the end there - there's one person in the group who has some experience, so in desperation I tried to reach out to her regarding my depression. She tries to listen and says I can talk to her whenever I want, but it all seems beyond her ability to help. Not even just having someone around can really make me feel better.

And I feel I can't tell any of them the full particulars of my feelings at the moment. So I can't really discuss the current problem.

 

There is the one person. I could maybe discuss this with in detail. But she's often very busy. I feel bad about interrupting her life just blubber and wail about my feelings.

I dont think there is anything she is doing that is bad toward you, when she says its not appropriate to meet alone, she kind of means, she wouldnt meet any man alone as she is in a relationship and probably wants to be faithful to her partner and the fact you have a history together, kind of means if she meets you alone, it would look to her partner that she is cheating, when she probably isnt, but it could look that way, so she would like to avoid that.

Thanks for saying it. Balances the other views I've gotten.

So what do you do? Apart from games and tv series?

read. Even if I don't remember any of it. Just something. Rather than nothing.

Try getting out for some air.. take nature walks.

Nature. Being outside is the best treatment for depression.... Anytime I get down, I dont want to leave the house, so I drag my ass out of the house and I go for a walk, I feel great after it and then dont want to go home.

Not for me apparently.

Maybe its best for you to try something else, different groups maybe, there are groups for people with depression.

I have tried looking for and attending groups and lessons. Never really connected with anyone in them.

Despite attending some for years or completing entire courses, when I left or stopped. Felt no attachment at all to any of them.

 

 

 

 

For all that. In desperation I will be attending some more classes and stuff. And desperate enough to look for help again. Despite the past decade of failure. This place is part of that.