How to get over feelings for someone

[tom26]

Hello all,

 

Pardon my english.

 

I joined my company 2 years ago. I joined with one of my classmate from a training institute. At the time of training and at time of joining in the company I rarely talked to her. Initially I didnt had any kind of attraction towards her. (I was in a relationship at the time I met her, may be thats why..)

 

About myself: I am 26 year old, somewhat shy, had a past relationship, broke up 1 year ago. I will get jealous easily when my girlfriend talks/chat with other guys (posessive) and I think it is one of the main reason for my past relationship failure . I wont talk much and generally dont pursue girls or chat with them.

 

About her: She is good looking, have sweet behaviour, bit short tempered but cute. She also not very social, but talks to people who are close to.

 

I said I rarely talked to her initially but after joining the company we became better friends.By this time I had done with my past relationship.

 

Gradually we started chating and our friendship grew over time. I started to have a crush on her , I denied for some time, but I knew I was falling in love with her. She came right into my life when I felt alone after the break-up I had with my ex. One day I told her about my past relationship. Then she opened up and told she too had one. She also broke up with him 1 year ago and she is in the process of healing. Actually her bf ditched her but she is not hating him but love him still. Initially I felt sad, but then I thought I should be happy that she told me everything.

 

Days passed she told me more about her, things which she will never tell anyone except to who are only close to her (family matters). That time I was not possessive about her. She was not even talking to any other guy closely other than me so there was no reason to be possessive. But romantic feeling was only inside me - whenever she doesnt care me or when she leaves office without saying bye , I felt so sad. I became so needy and clingy, it hurt whenever she treated me just as a friend , but most of the time I kept that to myself. I hid a lot hurting inside. On her birthday I gave her gift and called her first. On my birthday she called me at last and told me some silly reason. I fought with her for that. I told her it hurt me , she said sorry. For me she was the only one who is talking to me , chatting to me, I wont say she cared for me so much but as a friend and she cared. I was caring for her but I never tried to impress her on any way. When she talks to ne close I had a feeling that she likes me. But it was up to her mood. Sometimes I feel she loves me other times just a friend.

 

One day I had a fight with her , I told her she does not care for me, then I told her that I am seeing her more than as a friend. She said she doesn't have such feelings for me. She sees me as best friend, and she is sad. I told her that I can be a friend. Days passed, we just continue to talk without any problems (I was sad but I pretended I am happy). One day she told her parents are seeking alliances for her and she met a guy (from matrimony site) last day. I just couldnt bear it and I didnt talk with her that day after. At night she texted me sad and said it hurt her that I didnt talk to her. Few days after she called me to go out in my bike. We usually go out with our mutual friends at office but this time only we two on my bike. She said she wants to roam around the city with me. Afternoon we went for a movie and she sat close to me . I dropped her in her flat at almost midnight and I thought I had a wonderful day. We watched a scary movie and she said she is alone in her flat so she would scare. So I called her and comforted her and I hook the phone after I she fell asleep. I loved her more than anything in the world by that time. I thought she started to love me back. But it was just a dream, or I expected the same closeness coming days but she was same as she was before. I got frustrated and became very sad.

 

But the real problem started the moment she told me that she started chating with a guy in the office (not same floor). Initially I played cool, but when she is getting late to text me back, I thought she is chatting to him as she told they became very good friends over short time. I became more jealous day by day. One day she went to meet him outside and I came to know. I fought with her for this. She said he is just a friend just like our other friends. But I felt i become secondary for her and decided to stop texting her.

 

For few days I didnt even talked to her but then we just smile at each other. Just usual friend talks when we have coffee. I tried to forget her, the no- contact rule is not possible because we have common friends in office and we are in same gang and we go to coffee together.. I am trying not to talk with her anything personal but some times pain is just creeping in and destroys me. I know she is also sad that I am not talking to her but she had told me before that she will not talk to me if I am not talking because she said she can never see me as boyfriend or partner. I said I will wait. She said no use.

 

After this I started reading books, mostly self-help books. I find a relief when I am reading it, but next day I woke up - everything gone!.

One day I will feel that I am over it, then after two days the pain will come back strongly. I will merely finish my day in office and go to my room - I just want to escape from her and her thoughts. But whenever I try to do it, it comes back strongly.

 

Recently she started going out from office early to talk to that guy and one of my friend's saw this and casually told me about this. Even though she is not my girlfriend or anything, I cant imagine her with him. I cried at night two days back when I saw her going to talk to him, it pains so much that it would break my heart apart. I dont know they are in love though it hurts a lot. It pains lot more than when she said she doesnt have feelings for me.

 

Now, I dont want her to tell me that she loves me because thats not natural. I dont want to wait to be loved. I accept the fact that she does not have feelings for me and its not her fault. Still it hurts. I know I can find another girls who will suite me more than her and it will be wonderful too. But in reality the present mindset doesnt want any of these clarifications or advices. What my heart knows is to get me pain over and over again. If there was a switch to turn off feelings for her I would press that right away. I just cant concentrate on my work anymore. I think of her each and every minute of my life. I will look for her in her seat frequently, if I dont find her I assume she went to see that guy then my mind is gone. It sounds awkward but its hard for me not to care. I cant stop looking at her because her cubicle is just opposite of mine. I often ask why should I care? . I dont know, but still cares. There is no chance of a relationship between us I know that but why is my heart ache when she is with others. ?

 

I cant go easily flirt with other girls since I am not that kind of guy. Now I am not even interested to talk to other girls. When I look at my face in the mirror - I see very version of me and one day one of my friend asked me that am I okey. I dont want to share this with any of my friends because I dont want any of them to talk to her about me and her to feel sympathy for me.

 

Also I dont want to hate her or see her as my enemy in anyway since once she was a good friend to me. I just want some advice to get over this pain and I want to be in a state where I can wave my hand say bye when I see them together. I know I can get past this if I stop seeing her , but not possible now as I have to change my job and that takes time.

 

One day I think I am over it, next day it pains like hell.

 

Please share your thoughts about my situation as well as me even if it is rude. What actions would help me getting out of this pain. Seriously it hurts a lot.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but it sounds like she only wants friends. Both in the office and outside. Are her parents arranging a marriage for her?

her parents are seeking alliances for her and she met a guy (from matrimony site)

[tom26]

She had some proposals but till my knowledge, nothing has fixed.

[Wiseman2]

Spare yourself a heartache if her parents are setting up an arranged marriage and she is only being a friendly coworker. Date someone else.

She had some proposals but till my knowledge, nothing has fixed.

 

]

[tom26]

My real problem is not that she doesnt love me. I am not able to forget her and she is just having fun with others infront of me while I still grieve inside. I am not able to think of others or have interest to date others due to this. I cant sleep at night, my mornings are disturbed by her thoughts. I am totally affected by this. I cared a lot for her, all in vain and I am alone while she doesn't even know that I am dying inside - this makes me sad. I dont have anyone to share this. I dont have any good friends that I can share this kind of stuff. This makes me think that I am a loser all my life.

[SkellyWoozle]

You're not a loser.... but you're not in a winning situation right now and only you can change that. If you're so unhappy you can't face her, then maybe you need to look for another job. You're not being kind to yourself by staying where you are if it's making you this sad and unhappy. As Wide says - spare yourself the trauma and move on by way of going out and meeting new people or changing where you work. Move on and be happy... life is too short. Hugs X

[tom26]

Thanks for finding time to read this and for your kind words. Yes I need time to heal, realaize that there is no quick escape. Still I am not sure whether I should talk to her in a friendly and casual way(what I am doing now) or completely avoid her by just not talking to her. (But I cant help seeing her as we are in same office room)