She (24F) didn't tell me (25M) about her boyfriend, I discovered it.

[iwantthis]

History: She has been a very good friend (not sure) from the last 6 years. We have had a long history of a complicated friendship. I have dated a handful of girls since then and the same is with her. My girlfriends always hated her and vice versa. I have asked her out once 4years back to which she said a straight no stating that our friendship is much more important. We have fooled around a couple of times after getting drunk. A couple of gaps of 6-8months when we didn't talk much becasue of our respectives not liking it much. Both of us are in very close knit group of 8 friends and all of our holidays are together and whenever we are in the same town we have to meet. From the last one year there has not been a single day that we didn't text each other. She likes to call me her best friend.

 

Present: From the last 6 months we have been meeting more often and talking even more, even though we are located in different cities. She has been single for about a 1.5 years and I have been for about 8 months. I ask her out, she says some about friendship and that she's too stressed about work and that she's a very bad girlfriend. She says not right now, and we don't know what happens in the future. I was very positive about us and gave my heart and soul (+ lots of presents) to make it happen. 4months of talking all the, meeting more than twice a month. We did a secret holiday together (our other friends dont know about it) (and nothing happened between us). I made sure her birthday was the best she has ever had. She says dating each other is a bad idea, I was not quite convinced and believed that she would give in eventually and that she's just scared. We know about each others lives in and out and share everything with each other.

 

Situation: I travel to her city gave her a surprise, she looks happy. We go out for a party get sloshed come back to my hotel. She puked and slept on her bed. I couldn't quite sleep and checked her phone to figure out that she has been dating a guy for 1 year now. I read last one month of their Whatsapp conversation and it was all there, no doubts about it. I felt angry/sad and tried to wake her up to confront her. She was too sleepy and I begged her to give me 5 mins of her time. I told her that I did something I am not proud of, I should not have checked your phone and invaded your privacy but I know about you and him and probably it's good for me and I don't have much regrets. She slept, I did too and she left in the morning before I woke up leaving a text that she hates me for this but it's good for me I guess. I accused her of being a fraud and asked her not to talk to me ever again. She seemed fine with it and asked me not to tell anyone else about her relationship with the other guy.

 

Question: I feel pathetic and don't even feel like being friends with her, let alone a relationship. She has been my best friend for the last 6 years and I feel betrayed, she could have done a favor and told me about him. She's not even apologetic. How should I handle stuff while we are in the same social circle and I don't want to tell anyone about this? What should I do?

 

PS: I'm 25 male, she's 24 years old.

[Almira23]

It's a good thing that this relationship is no longer. It's hard to maintain a friendship with someone who you have feelings for and had sex with.

Now, what you did is a major invasion of privacy. Not saying that what she did to you was right, but I would no longer be friends with someone who snooped through my things.

I think that she didn't tell you about the other guy that she is dating because she feared that you would end your friendship and not speak with her anymore.

Since you invaded her privacy, I think she no longer cares and wants to keep a distance from you.

Since you have the same group of friends, I would just be cordial with her when you see her in public and that's it. Don't pin your friends against her and ask them to choose sides.

Block her and work on your own healing. You'll be fine. It will take time, but eventually you will get over her. Try not see the group of friends that you two share for a couple of weeks until you get over the emotional stage of the break up.

[Knot2loud]

I thought the two of you were simply friends. Not FWB's, BF/GF, engaged... She's seeing someone. Okay, do you want her exclusively to yourself? Personally, I don't get it. She's simply your friend and you're upset because she's been seeing someone for a year.

 

What do you want?

 

Why should she apologize?

 

Quit snooping in your "friends" phone.

 

How should you handle it? I think you should figure out what you want first.

 

Good luck to you.

[Wiseman2]

Not sure what the attraction is or why you keep bothering with someone who keeps friend-zoning you and has a bf.

 

She has undermined your dating success with other women as well. Hard to believe you want a friend like this.

She puked and slept on her bed.

]

[SoulTaker]

she says some about friendship and that she's too stressed about work and that she's a very bad girlfriend. She says not right now, and we don't know what happens in the future. I was very positive about us and gave my heart and soul (+ lots of presents) to make it happen.

 

Well, she did tell you that she's a bad gf. You just dismissed her assessment of herself, and went full speed ahead. You ignored all of her warning signs to keep it as a friendship.

 

Question: I feel pathetic and don't even feel like being friends with her, let alone a relationship. She has been my best friend for the last 6 years and I feel betrayed, she could have done a favor and told me about him. She's not even apologetic. How should I handle stuff while we are in the same social circle and I don't want to tell anyone about this? What should I do?

 

The only way you found out about her bf, was by betraying her privacy. As a result of how you went about it, she owes you nothing. It's obvious that you cannot keep this at a friendship level as she has requested, so it would be best to move on from her.

 

You can only reconnect as a friend if she wants it, and you keep it at a friendship level (which I don't think you can do at this time).

[ThatwasThen]

I think that every guy that accepts being "just friends" when he wants more then that with a girl should cut out your opening post and pin in to their bathroom mirror so that they can remind themselves what a bad idea it is to be some attention junky chick's male girlfriend.

 

OP: I hope you've learned a lesson about accepting mere friendship with a woman when you clearly want to be her boyfriend. I trust you will not settle for such a 'job' with any other woman.

[iwantthis]

UPDATE:

Me (on text): I am really sorry for the way I reacted yesterday. It was a mix of sadness, anger, frustration and guilt. -- I should not have checked your phone. It's your personal life. Clearly I am at fault here. I sincerely hope you have forgive me for this. Dont worry I am not telling anything to anyone. -- I can't even begin to describe the 1000's of emotions I have right now. You will never understand what I am going through. But, I'm sure it's time for me to move on. -- No hard feelings my friend. Take Care.

 

Her: I was just giving you some time to calm down and I myself would have apologised again after some days. Truth is that I can never lose you for any guy. Be it anyone and I know it's hard to believe but that's what the truth is. You are my safe place and will always be. I am sorry to take you for granted so many times. I want to stop at some point. I hope you can forgive me.

[ThatwasThen]

Her: I was just giving you some time to calm down and I myself would have apologised again after some days. Truth is that I can never lose you for any guy. Be it anyone and I know it's hard to believe but that's what the truth is. You are my safe place and will always be. I am sorry to take you for granted so many times. I want to stop at some point. I hope you can forgive me.

Oh what a sick piece of work she is. She has just the right words to keep you fawning over her and buying her things and being her emotional tampon and her male girlfriend... She has no desire to be your lover and your romantic partner though.

 

What you two have going is sick codependency which will ruin every single romantic relationship that either of you happen to get involved in. No one in their right minds would stay with you op when you're some other chicks slave to love. (love that is not reciprocated romantically in the least)

 

If you were smart you would sever all contact with her, heal and then find a woman that will be your best friend, your lover, your romantic partner all rolled into one.

[Wiseman2]

Translation: Friendzone

I am sorry to take you for granted so many times. I want to stop at some point.