Trust Issues

[claire92]

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 and a half years. We've certainly had our ups and downs over that time - what couple doesn't eh? We've now been living together for around 10 months which for the most part has been lovely, and we've been in a new house for the past 5 months. A few weeks ago, we had a situation where he was stupid (and drunk) enough to sit next to me on the settee one evening whilst sending flirtatious and sexy messages to another woman. I've never met this woman, but I am aware of her, and she is a physical presence in my boyfriend's life - by way of they play the same sport for the same club in the mens and ladies teams. He was sat with his phone in front of him right in my line of sight, so I could see exactly what was being typed by him, and replied by her. I was devestated. I just didn't have the words to say anything at the time, so I made my excuses and went to bed to contemplate my options. I am a type of person who hates conflict. And I love this man with every fibre of me, I wouldn't have stuck around this long if I didn't - we've been through some really tough times in the past. Life ticked on, him unaware that I'd seen, me struggling with what to do. Anyway, just over a week later I got the confidence up to confront him. He initially tried to brush it off, claiming they were just talking sport. I again stressed to him that I saw exactly what they were discussing, and that I am fully aware that it was not sport. Eventually he relented, kind of apologised and spent hours reassuring me that he loves me, wants his future with me and promising me he wouldn't do it again (I was an emotional mess throughout all of this). So since then, he has been continuing to, in his words, "show you that I love you". He's bought me flowers, cuddled more, talked more, talked about our future, he tells me he loves me all the time. I was still in a position of not being able to shake my feelings of doubt about his level of loyalty and commitment to me. Again and again he assured me everything was okay, and we are absolutely fine. He understands that these feelings and worries won't just go away overnight, and he admits that had this situation been the other way around, he would be worried sick constantly - as he puts it "I would be going out of my tree!".

 

So, we get to last night. Nothing much has changed, I still worry. But starting to accept that I cannot live my life like this and I need to learn to trust him again. So, just as we're going to bed last night, boyfriend proudly announces that he's going to leave his phone and tablet downstairs overnight so that the only thing that disturbs our cuddles will be my alarm in the morning. I say great, sounds good. He picks his phone up (so that he can switch it off for the night). He picks it up and unlocks the screen. And lowbehold, the first thing on his screen is his whatsapp conversation with this same girl (I was aware that they were still in touch - and he sees her a couple of times a week at sports training). As I say, he only picked his phone up to turn it off, however I got a glimpse of a few words I am not happy about... He is still sending inappropriate messages to this girl!! I haven't said anything to him yet, but now I know that he is still sending these messages (and she is still playing along with him - apparently she's engaged, so not sure if her fiance is aware of any of this). I really don't know what to do. I feel like I want a break. I'd be happy to move away for a month or so to give us both some space. I don't believe him when he promises me that this girl is not a worry, that they only talk sports, and he understands why I worry but I shouldn't. I don't trust him to stop.sending.inappropriate.messages.to.this.girl. I really don't know what to do. Is it really worth another arguement? Is it even worth just having a break - will he ever actually change? I'm not prepared to continue pretending all is okay while he continues to disrespect my loyalty to him. Do I just cut my losses and leave? Or believe that he could change? Will this ever go away? I don't think so. He won't stop talking to her, and I don't trust him (or her either, frankly) to keep it clean. Plus, as I say, they see each other a couple of times a week for sports training - where they are both out of sight and earshot of their partners. Having seen some of the messages they've sent to each other, I would frankly be gobsmacked if they're aren't inappropriate with each other in person too. I just don't know what to do for the best.

 

I don't have any family or many friends that live locally - and I don't have anyone I can talk to about all of this.

I feel so alone.

[SkellyWoozle]

If it were me, right now? I'd kick him into touch. He's shown you he can't be trusted, is a liar - albeit a lousy one as he can't hide things too well - and who knows what he gets up to when you're not about. Even if it's just infatuation on his part and an escape on her part. ... its not right. Find someone who loves and cares for you and respects you for who you are. You shouldn't have to be in a relationship looking over your bfs shoulder all the time X

[Matt3939]

I'm guessing that the texts are pretty bad if you are writing this. That should have been enough. The 2nd time should have also been enough. I don't condone going thru someone's phone. But I see no reason that it has to be turned off or locked either. I caught my ex having conversations with another guy. I think you have to make a decision and stick with it. Good luck

[SooSad33]

Right- he IS being disrespctful.. and lying.. ugh!

 

Sounds like he is acting innapropriatly.. not good! I agree.. remove yourself from him for a while.

IF a guy is into you h has NO need to act this way towards another woman.

[Wiseman2]

Invite her and her fiance over. See how your bf responds.

I've never met this woman

[Iggy5129]

Why didn't you confront him right then and there? Now he has time to delete the messages and more leeway to lie to you. You need to have a serious discussion with him quickly. Tell him this is destroying the relationship because you can no longer trust him. Maybe give him one more chance to fix it and then gtfo. I wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship because of the anxiety it would cause me. But I can understand why you would want to try one more time.

 

One more thing, you cannot have a good relationship without good communication. This includes being able to confront issues right when they come up. You can't hide your feelings and you shouldn't. He is betraying your trust.

[reinventmyself]

I would have left the first time. Sending explicit messages is only an indication of what their relationship is like in person.

There is nothing innocent about it. It's called cheating.

OK. . You forgave him and he's doing everything to win back your trust . . or at least you thought.

In reality, there is no trust because the truth is he is still doing the exact same thing. So when it mattered the most, this is what you got in return.

 

He is showing you who he is and what he's capable of doing. He is showing you his moral compass and you decide to stay with this man you need accept his level of integrity and honesty is not in alignment with yours. Are you willing build a life with such a guy? Are you willing to spend your looking over your shoulder.

He's a fake and a liar.

[Rising100]

Sounds bad. He is lying and doesnt care about what hes doing.

What do u plan to do?

[claire92]

Thank you everyone, it's so reassuring to know I'm not being super paranoid or unfair and I should expect better.

I decided to talk to him again last night and make it immensely clear that one toe out of line from now on means that we're over. He seemed to take it in, but I'm still not sure he sees this as something as serious as I think it is.

Hopes are high, expectations low. I've looked into alternative accommodations just in case it all goes wrong.

Hope I've done the right thing! X

[Wiseman2]

Yes you did. Speaking your truth is the best policy.

 

Now he needs to step up.

I'm still not sure he sees this as something as serious as I think it is.

]

[Jibralta]

Don't move away for a month. Move away forever.

[ControlDenied]

You are responsible for what you subject yourself to. Do not ever subject yourself to a man that does not respect you. Select a man who respect you, this is not it.