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feeling like a puddle of mud


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I feel messy, ***, dirty and alone. It's more like I'm in the mud. I've been trying to describe my feelings the best way that I can for the past hour and I don't know. I don't think I can.


What I want for myself is to start over and maybe find something that I love or something that's worth coming out of bed for every morning. Right now it's routine and having to. If I had a choice I would not come out of bed.


I cry a lot and I feel like *** about it. There are more then a million people that have it a lot worst then me and they don't *** about their problems. I self pity myself and that's selfish. It's ridiculous really.


You should know I am a lucky person. Family, friends, food, water and everything else a standard girl in a wealthy country has. I have it. And I do appreciate it. I realize that this much comfort in life is definitely not the norm. I am thankful.


Don't get me wrong my life isn't exactly perfect but nobody's life is, so that can't be it.

And I'm not asking to be happy all the time! because you can't be. But there should be moments!


I'm hoping that putting this out there for the first time will help. Hopefully something good will come out of this.


Please let me know your thoughts.

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It's a good thing that you're grateful for everything you have, gratitude is the antidote for pain. Start learning something new, find some new interests, some new stuff to do. If you feel like you're in some dark times right now, which never last, make the f*cking most of it by working on yourself and making yourself a better and happier person instead of being in bed all day and not wanting to get up. You will be surprised by how much good stuff you'd attract then. Stiff that upper lip up, laugh that pain away. You got this

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  • 4 weeks later...

We think that we need to be happy because we have family, friends, food, shelter, water. We are so politicly correct that we can’t even admit to ourselves that that is not the case. Because there are so many poor people starving every day, we feel guilty not to be happy while having all these things. I know some very poor people, who struggle every day just to feed themselves and their family, and they are not miserable at all, they are full of life, because their struggle gives them meaning to get up every day. Every day they need to use they brains and creativity, and various skills to find a way to get some money. For us from ‘developed’ countries things are just so easy, its so easy to eat every day. We are taught that we need to love comfort, but human beings were hunters and gatherers just some 20 000 years ago, witch is nothing from the point of evolution, we are still the same, we are designed to deal with challenges, but we don’t have where to use our skills in modern society. So our energy just doesn’t get spent and grows stale in us and we feel restless and miserable. We are striped of intensity of life. our life is a dull mesh. We may have money but we are poor. Our relationships are superficial, we live by habits. You are writing this to us here, because you feel more free with unknown people behind their computers, you can’t even try to tell your friends about your problem, because you know you’ll feel weird and hardly understood.


I’ve read a story about conversation between two scientist, one from Denmark other from Germany, just few years after the end of the First World War. The Danish said that some of his friends where in Germany while germans were preparing for war, and they saw that people are so exited and ready to fight, and that they euphoric state was contagious even for foreigners. and wandered how is it possible. The german said that it wasn’t that people were happy about the war, they were aware that it will bring destruction and death, but they also knew that they had no choice, so they just did what they had to do. And perceived happiness wasn’t about the war, it was about all the every day nonsense stopped being important, life became exiting knowing that tomorrow may not come. Everybody was a brother, everybody was in the same situation, and so everyone helped each other, relationships become true and meaningful, in midst of all that chaos they were more alive than ever in peaceful times.


We have our basic needs met, but now we need more. And we don’t know what it is. Society pressures us to achieve some goals, and goals and goals, a sensitive person like you may feel that those goals are fake, you will survive even without your masters degree. But what if, once you are managing to survive, life is not about goals at all. What if, it is just about living, and being happy just because you are alive. And knowing that everybody is special, a nobody is better or worse.


I want you to realise that you are breathing right now. Isn’t it remarkable? Realise that you are living on a giant rock moving in an infinite space. Realise that you don’s see things, you see only light reflected from them. Realise that there is no sound if there is no an ear to here it. Realise that cats have holes in their fur exactly in those places where their eyes are. Existence is mind blowing. I mean, look at your self, you exist!!! It’s a magic! Life is more mysterious than fiction. And realise that you are staying on this Earth only for a short time.


I don’t know what are your interests, but these are some ideas I can give you, you see if something of that resonates with you:


- travel alone, preferably to some country which language you don’t speak, preferably some “less developed” country, somewhere unfamiliar, where you’ll need to flex your brain, ,you’ll be amazed how capable you are, or how quickly you can learn a language, you’ll have short but intense friendships, you’ll feel exited not knowing what tomorrow will bring, and generally you’ll get to know yourself better, you’ll se how differently you behave in new surroundings, where nobody knows you, where you’ll not fall into habitual behaviour that people around you expect from you.

- sport - dance, martial art, ping pong, bicycle, acro-yoga…very important. Your body is an animal that needs to get moving and spend excess energy, so that you can feel better on every level.

- read books - to understand yourself better


Also I would like to recommend you a book called Fourth Way by Ouspensky, you can find it online in pdf format. And a movie called Salt Of The Earth, its a documentary about a photographer, who photographed famine, war, killings, and at one point lost his faith in humanity, and felt sick in his soul, the way how he found meaning again is very beautiful.


I hope I was clear enough, these thing are hard to express. I am writing this for you but it has been of great help for me also, being able to somehow articulate my thoughts. So I want to thank you for that. While reading your post I felt it, I felt it so many times. We are also creatures of habits, we can get used to our own misery, its hard when you realise that you don’t have control over yourself, when things go by themselves, when you want to be happy, but some part of you is just pulling you down, but it is just a part it is not the whole of you, there is a part that can overcome it. But we need to make efforts over and over agin, and we’re going to fail, but we need to start agin.

And please do not get evaluated for depression, last thing you need is depression certificate. You are healthy, that’s why you feel the way you feel. You just feel that something is wrong.

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  • 1 month later...

Your comment is amazing! Thank you so much! It made my day and I can relate to and understand every word you wrote. The advise you gave is exacly what I needed. I have been doing great and your advise was exacly right.


I've been putting of reading the comments since I tried to look the day after I posted, and the first comment sucked.

I tried to forget about it and succeeded. I wish I had looked further then the first comment because the rest is really helpful and amazing.

I've been doing better. I am on internship in the Czech Republic for five months and it is amazing. Ofcourse it brings new problems, primarily with my autism but I am working on that. I love the nature and I can snowboard here! I'm also reading, drawing and watching series and movies a lot wich are things that I love. I have started writing short story's and posting them. I am getting good feedback.

I am from Holland and I wrote them in dutch so unfortunately I can't show them.


You have been a great help for me too and I wish the absolute best for you. Your comment has been stored in my brain for hard times.


I hope you'll read this.

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