Fear of physical intimacy

[CallMeHarry]

Well, after doubting for a long time, I finally decided to post my story here.

 

So I am a 28 year old guy, never even kissed a girl. I think there are multiple reasons for this, but to make one thing clear first: it doesn't bother me that much anymore that I am late with all this stuff. I always preferred having a fun night out, drinking and laughing than chasing girls. And hooking up with someone for a night definitely isn't my thing.

 

I had really bad teeth for a long time. Last year I got my braces out, and voila: a beautiful smile. I really did wait too long with that, but my previous dentist wanted to saw my jaw in half (basically). Understandably I wasn't too excited about that, so I postponed the whole thing for a long time. Everything worked out great in the end, but it did leave me with low self esteem I suppose. Nothing completely destroying thank god, I had lots of friends and even got a great job before I got braces. I am slowly becoming more assertive in general, I just didn't know my self confidence could grow that much more. But kissing a girl, let alone have sex with her? That is still out of the question, which is where I am very much stuck at the moment.

 

I can talk to girls easily when I know nothing will happen anyway, I can make them laugh, the whole deal. But as soon as I sort of get the idea that she likes me I go into full panic mode. Nausea, difficulty with breathing, and just general anxiety. And I have no idea on how to fight this.

 

Just so you know, I come from a very loving and caring family. My parents say that as a kid I was never shy of hugging etc. So just a normal kid. But somehow, somewhere, that changed. For years even someone giving me a hug would be hell for me. Lately I think I overcame that, I may never be a great hugger, but it's just not a big deal anymore.

 

The other thing is that I am clueless about love. You know how they say love is a universal language? Well I don't speak it. Ofcourse I had girls I had a crush on, girls I asked out, etc. I don't know how to explain it, when we were younger and we were going out, a friend of mine would one moment be in the group talking and a moment later have his face in a girl. And I was always like, what? How does he do that?

 

So I don't know what to do really. Wait for the right person, or do something about the whole fear of physical intimacy thing? Maybe seek help about it? It's not normal, that's for sure. On the other hand I don't want to make it bigger then it is, my life is pretty great all in all so it's not as if I am depressed or something. But this way I feel like I will never find love, because I am held back by something.

[melancholy123]

I think some counselling is in order to help you work thru your issues and figure out how to get past how you feel. You dont need to go thru life alone!

[Wiseman2]

Yeah, definitely look into it. You desire relationships/sex so it's not like you don't care. There is a lot a good therapist can do to pinpoint where all this social anxiety is coming from and what to do about it.

do something about the whole fear of physical intimacy thing? Maybe seek help about it? It's not normal, that's for sure.

[CallMeHarry]

Yep, think that's the route to go. I am probably not going to solve this on my own. It still feels like such a first world problem though.

[Wiseman2]

Not really. The courtship dance has been fraught with apprehension across all time and beings.

Yep, think that's the route to go. I am probably not going to solve this on my own. It still feels like such a first world problem though.

]

[Gary Snyder]

You are taking things too seriously, making this whole dating thing into a monster. It does not have to be like that. Women are just people, and a relationship is a friendship on fire.

 

You just have to date some women and kiss them at the end of the night. It's one of the biggest moves you'll ever make, but it has to be done. Forget about sex, don't put the cart before the horse. Kissing is the beginning anyway. The good news is, once you kiss the right one, the hard part is over.

[WithLove]

It's actually pretty weird timing that you post this now, because I'm meeting up with someone on Saturday that is an ex-Mormon and doesn't have any experience with women, sexually, either. I don't even know if he's even kissed a girl. I have been with a few guys and even I am nervous as hell. How will I know if I am being too forward? What if I give off signs and he doesn't pick up on them? What if he's trying to give me signs and I don't get it? It's not just you!

[CallMeHarry]

You are taking things too seriously, making this whole dating thing into a monster. It does not have to be like that. Women are just people, and a relationship is a friendship on fire.

 

Yes, you are right. I do take things too seriously. Nonetheless, I seem to freeze when puss comes to shove so to speak. And I am not talking about sex, that comes later like you said.

 

It's actually pretty weird timing that you post this now, because I'm meeting up with someone on Saturday that is an ex-Mormon and doesn't have any experience with women, sexually, either. I don't even know if he's even kissed a girl. I have been with a few guys and even I am nervous as hell. How will I know if I am being too forward? What if I give off signs and he doesn't pick up on them? What if he's trying to give me signs and I don't get it? It's not just you!

 

Haha, we all worry don't we? I worry all the time about being too forward. I guess if you are honest with the guy, that you like him and you want to kiss him, things will work out allright. And if not, atleast you know right? Good luck anyway! Hope things work out.

[tom1607307597]

I know it can be nerve wracking going in for the kiss at the end of a date. You should just go for it, she might even think its cute that you are so nervous about it. The ones who are worth going after won't stop seeing you because you weren't an expert kisser.

[cherubrock]

Just don't do what I did, which was to throw myself at guys...some were strangers...where I didn't even like it...it was like an unnatural behaior, compulsion that I fell into...I guess for varying reasons...but one of them is desperation...not being able to get what I wanted in a healthy way, not being very socially connected/effective...wanting to be "normal"/peer pressure...and maybe some other family reasons...(you should read my post if you're curious)

 

Just go your own natural course, take physical intimacy slow...at your pace.

[bimjeam007]

Well, after doubting for a long time, I finally decided to post my story here.

 

So I am a 28 year old guy, never even kissed a girl. I think there are multiple reasons for this, but to make one thing clear first: it doesn't bother me that much anymore that I am late with all this stuff. I always preferred having a fun night out, drinking and laughing than chasing girls. And hooking up with someone for a night definitely isn't my thing.

 

I had really bad teeth for a long time. Last year I got my braces out, and voila: a beautiful smile. I really did wait too long with that, but my previous dentist wanted to saw my jaw in half (basically). Understandably I wasn't too excited about that, so I postponed the whole thing for a long time. Everything worked out great in the end, but it did leave me with low self esteem I suppose. Nothing completely destroying thank god, I had lots of friends and even got a great job before I got braces. I am slowly becoming more assertive in general, I just didn't know my self confidence could grow that much more. But kissing a girl, let alone have sex with her? That is still out of the question, which is where I am very much stuck at the moment.

 

I can talk to girls easily when I know nothing will happen anyway, I can make them laugh, the whole deal. But as soon as I sort of get the idea that she likes me I go into full panic mode. Nausea, difficulty with breathing, and just general anxiety. And I have no idea on how to fight this.

 

Just so you know, I come from a very loving and caring family. My parents say that as a kid I was never shy of hugging etc. So just a normal kid. But somehow, somewhere, that changed. For years even someone giving me a hug would be hell for me. Lately I think I overcame that, I may never be a great hugger, but it's just not a big deal anymore.

 

The other thing is that I am clueless about love. You know how they say love is a universal language? Well I don't speak it. Ofcourse I had girls I had a crush on, girls I asked out, etc. I don't know how to explain it, when we were younger and we were going out, a friend of mine would one moment be in the group talking and a moment later have his face in a girl. And I was always like, what? How does he do that?

 

So I don't know what to do really. Wait for the right person, or do something about the whole fear of physical intimacy thing? Maybe seek help about it? It's not normal, that's for sure. On the other hand I don't want to make it bigger then it is, my life is pretty great all in all so it's not as if I am depressed or something. But this way I feel like I will never find love, because I am held back by something.

 

I am a late bloomer too and a lot of what you've said sounds all too familiar.

 

I've been focusing on a lot of self-improvement and it's done wonders for me. I am still yet to find myself in a proper relationship but I at least managed to lost my virginity and get half-decent in bed. I also used to be completely clueless about what do / say on dates and feel like I've come a long way ever since.

 

My advice, read up on some dating coach blogs... thats what I did and it worked wonders. There's also tonnes of advice on those 'how-to' websites that just offer advice on everything. But a lot of them have sex & relationships sections. Also YouTube is a good one.

 

Then once you're more clue'd up, maybe try something like Tinder just so you can put everything into practice. That way you get a lot more opportunties to get experience dating and, if you do mess up, then it doesn't really matter... because you're unlikely to ever see the girl again anyway (I prefer to go for those that dont live too close)

 

I spent far too many years just 'waiting' for that 'special someone'... but she never came. Or at least she came and them left straight away (several times, much like with yourself) when she realised I had no idea how to talk to women