Moving on with my life

[Confusedbyhim]

I'm moving on with my life and trying to meet new people but a guy I used to casually see contacts me every few months, I just ignore him as he was the one who finished our thing. I changed my number as he was contacting me to meet up and when I replied no thank you, he'd get abusive. So I tried dating sites and any one I've ever used he's messaged me on it, first being nice, I declined his invitation to chat and id delete my profile wait a few months and try again. He'd repeat it gradually becoming abusive at this rinse, lather and repeat. I'm a very shy person with no confidence and thought online dating would be good for someone like me but its wrecked my confidence further, especially when an ex who didn't want to be with me is on it, I adjust my settings so he won't come up on my searches I politely told him to do the same but all I get is abuse, the strange part is I've not seen him in 3 years. His words is 'you'll never get better than me' 'you're old' I'm 34 years old he is 4 years younger, refers to my kids as baggage and pretends to be other people on these sites to talk to me. I once asked him if he wanted me to be happy he said he did, I said well leave me alone. He now catfishes me, past 2 times that's happened!

 

I don't understand why he's doing it..I've given up completely now, any nice men I talk to on the site to sort out a date ends up coming to nothing, I mean I can't tell people I'm being bullied by a guy I never went out with who cyber stalks me, it's ridiculous and crazy. I slept with him a few times but he was abusive and everything he could make fun of me for he did, my body, my pubic hair, how many men he thought I slept with, and lies he spread about me being a prostitute and a drug dealer.

 

I'm so desperate to find a lovely caring guy who could treat me right, but this idiot and his abuse stops it all. If I had courage id go to a bar and chat to a man, I really would.

So apart from that how do I overcome my shyness so I don't need to try and fail yet again at online dating?

And if anyone knows what that mans deal is with me I'd love to know. I've never done a thing to him I actually liked him a lot years ago when I was seeing him, then he didn't want to see me anymore. I was really upset but I brushed myself down gradually and carried on, but again that was years ago. This is happening now what he's doing. I look different, I've improved my looks, I lost weight and I'm more positive of things and always see the best in everyone, I've been on my own for so many years it be nice to start dating again. I've so much to give the right person I feel im being ruined by this man. is he jealous? Or is it just pure Hartrid? I say jealousy as he has a girlfriend now and from what I gathered from his dating profile he has a baby with her. I gather things aren't good and that's why he's using dating sites but that's not my problem or my buisness it's an assumption, as happy people in good relationships wouldn't bother with people they never liked or cared about, so no idea why he would take his anger out on me. I'll never understand why he's being like this.

 

Sorry if this is long, and a bit jumbled I'd love anyone's advice thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Good you are moving on. And good you blocked and deleted this guy. Keep blocking him immediately on any media you use, rather than responding.

 

He's not stopping you from anything, you are preventing it by entertaining his behaviors. Stop following him, stop obsessing about his dating life, gf, child, etc..

 

You need to stop tiptoeing around and block asap and be much firmer for example: "stop stalking and contacting me or I'll contact the police"....unless of course you enjoy the attention and think he's jealous.

I changed my number as he was contacting me to meet up and when I replied no thank you, he'd get abusive. So I tried dating sites and any one I've ever used he's messaged me on it, first being nice, I declined his invitation to chat

[Confusedbyhim]

Good you are moving on. And good you blocked and deleted this guy. Keep blocking him immediately on any media you use, rather than responding.

 

He's not stopping you from anything, you are preventing it by entertaining his behaviors. Stop following him, stop obsessing about his dating life, gf, child, etc..

 

You need to stop tiptoeing around and block asap and be much firmer for example: "stop stalking and contacting me or I'll contact the police"....unless of course you enjoy the attention and think he's jealous.

 

 

I'm not following him at all, he lives in the city I live in a town about 10 miles away,he would type creepily about seeing me in a park near where I live. I'm not obsessing over anything, I want him to leave me alone, it's making me paranoid.

I don't want drama I'm single I have been single way over 2 years im doing nothing wrong, I'm deleting my profiles when he messages me, I don't look for him, I have no interest in him all I want is for him to stop acting so creepy and by doing that leaving me alone.

Since the message of seeing me in a park- which wasn't me anyway I barely leave my house because I'm terrified of him. If he acts like that online what is he going to be like if he sees me in person?

[Wiseman2]

Be proactive. Stop responding to his messages and use the appropriate resources such as telling the police someone is stalking you and go to the courts and get a restraining order...if you are truly "terrified" and "paranoid", rather than tiptoeing around it pondering why he may be doing this.

I want him to leave me alone, it's making me paranoid. all I want is for him to stop acting so creepy and by doing that leaving me alone.I barely leave my house because I'm terrified of him.

[Confusedbyhim]

Did you read the part of the pretending to be other men to message me? So basically I've not to try to find anyone, take the blame for what he's doing and just shut off from life altogether? My last message in his pretense was threatening with him the police. Yes I do want to know why he's doing it? why shouldn't I not know, it's been 3 years now if it wasn't dating sites it was through what'sapp which I changed my number. It's a simple question why specifically target me? What have I done wrong to this man? simple question and you have blamed me and made out I'm a stalker. I'm only told half of it, his girlfriends were calling me up with abuse, his stupid messages, his harrassment.ive sat and took it so long. If I go to the police I know for a fact he will do worse to me than what he's doing and I've kids to consider here.

[Wiseman2]

Ok then just ponder why he and his gfs have this conspiracy to change identities, repeatedly contact you, follow you, etc and stay locked in your house.

 

But do not go to a therapist or the police because that may make it worse? go to the police I know for a fact he will do worse to me

[DancingFool]

Stop responding to him at all in any way shape or form. Every time he contacts you in any form, just block him without a single word. If he keeps creating new profiles/numbers, etc - report him to the company, whether it's a dating site or an app so they can take stronger measures against him on their end.

 

If you are on social media, make sure your privacy setting are set to the max and that you are not sharing info like who your friends are, no phone numbers, etc. WhatsApp has no privacy - they are terrible. Try other apps that offer more privacy and protection for their users if you must use that at all.

 

Let friends, family, your employer know that you are being stalked. So if anyone calls them fishing for information, phone number, address, they are alert and aware that they shouldn't fall for that. In other words, once you speak up, people can do things to help you and protect you.

 

As for why is he doing it? Because he gets off on it. Every time he scares you, every time you respond, every time you delete your profile - it's a power trip and a high for him. Only way to fix that is deafening silence from you. Once you stop responding and just block and get on with your day, he will get bored and move on. You've removed what he wants.

[Confusedbyhim]

Ok then just ponder why he and his gfs have this conspiracy to change identities, repeatedly contact you, follow you, etc and stay locked in your house.

 

But do not go to a therapist or the police because that may make it worse?

 

I never typed he followed me he's contacting me on dating sites to get at me. Before I changed my number I asked why they were tormenting and they said it was because it was funny, to keep up doing that years later when I've got to the stage I need company and someone to be chill with rather than be mum and have this man constantly at me is just fked up!!

I have a daughter she is not well she's got aspergers and suicidal because of her depression, when my children leave for the weekend to spend time with their dad I feel lonely. I feel those 2 days I'm not worrying about my daughter and not spending 3 or 4 times a night to check to see if she's not done something to herself drains me. I need release for those 2 free days I get, and instead of finding someone that wants to be with me I've this evil person pointing out I'm not good enough. I'm this and that, and it's so sneaky how he's doing it it questions if I'm crazy. And I'm not I have screenshot everything he has typed, just in case. And it goes back a few years but because I delete my profiles and hide away i can't go to the police and say look what he's doing? I already looked up online stalking and it says it has to be consistent..not contacting someone every few months.

[Confusedbyhim]

I've done all that, everything. never knew anyone could hate someone so much.

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully you will address all your stress regarding your children and custody etc. with your therapist. It may be a good idea to mention these people stalking you etc and see what the therapist suggests, since you claim it keeps you from dating, leaving the house and has you "terrified" and "paranoid".

 

Did you tell your children's' father about it? What does he say/suggest in order to keep them safe while they are staying with you? Do you work?

when my children leave for the weekend to spend time with their dad I feel lonely. I feel those 2 days I'm not worrying about my daughter and not spending 3 or 4 times a night to check to see if she's not done something to herself drains me. I need release for those 2 free days I get, and instead of finding someone that wants to be with me I've this evil person pointing out I'm not good enough.

[Confusedbyhim]

I don't talk to my kids dad much about anything, he's got his own problems and his own life. And my kids therapist only discusses things in regards to my daughter. I don't talk to anyone, I did once and the person went back and told the guy what I had said and made up lies I slept with him. So I just keep it to myself now.

[Wiseman2]

What about your therapist? With all the terror and paranoia and stress and anxiety you describe, certainly you have been going to a therapist for yourself, right?

 

Do you feel people you talk to are in cahoots with your tormentor and reporting back to him? Do you think perhaps the police and therapists might be in on it too, if you talk to anyone about it?

I don't talk to anyone, I did once and the person went back and told the guy what I had said and made up lies I slept with him.

[Confusedbyhim]

Forget it your taking the piss out of me. Shouldn't have asked. Exactly reason I've not went to police because obviously it's not serious.

[rayfutz]

Block him in any way, if he continues to stalk and harass you making you feel unsafe, call the police and have a peace order put on him. Simple. If its not that big a deal, then why are you asking us on here? All we are going to be able to suggest is in the end, you have to block him. If that is not working, and he is still harassing you, then call the police! Its not complicated

 

If its not serious enough for the police, then deal with it. If its not serious enough to block him, then dont. And let him continue to harass you and damage the quality of your life until you realize how simple this is to fix.

[ipm]

Here's what you need to do:

 

1. If you haven't been, start saving any communication he has with you. If he tells you he's seen you here or there, write that down. The only response (if you feel the need to respond at all) you should ever do is telling him to stop getting a hold of you and you're saving the communication for the police. If he keeps going. Take your file to the police to let them know you are being stalked. Stalking is stalking, regardless of whether it's in person or on a computer. He's been following you across dating sites? That's stalking. He's been abusive in conversations? That's abuse. Doesn't matter if it's not physical. He uses your lack of confidence to keep you down. You saying he'd do worse than the police would do good is a perfect example of that. But more importantly, it's 100% wrong. He leaves that out there because he hopes you won't take control of your life and follow through. So fight back with the proper tools. That means if it's not working telling him to stop, you have to reach an authority that can force him to stop. It's that simple. In writing. It's a lot harder in reality to take that step. He'll call you and your kids all sorts of names and hope that'll stop you from following through. You need to find the courage to prove to yourself that you can do what you need to do in order to get him out of your family's life.

 

2. Get a therapist. They will help you get your life back on track after abuse. Use the options you have to make your life better. Don't shun help that you can get. We aren't designed to take on the world by ourselves.