Letting go of the past...

[PatPatPat]

Some of you may remember me from my previous post, Accepting myself.

 

So, I've had all of these feelings inside of me for about ten years. I've never talked about this with anyone, because of shame and hurt, and now I think this is one of the things I need to let go of to move on with my life and become a happier, more confident person.

 

For some of you my story may seem stupid and maybe it doesn't make any sense, but it marked me and I buried it deep inside of me to avoid ever talking about it.

 

This happened around 10 years ago, I think I was 16 or 17. Back then we only had one computer at home, so we all used it. I remember at some point I found some pictures of a woman wearing white leggings against a wall, showing her ass. Another one of the same woman in a bikini, on the sand at the beach and then another one with her friend having lunch and drinks. At the time I didn't really think anything of it. I kind of forgot about it.

 

Then a few weeks later, I wanted to read a conversation I had with a boy. This was back when MSN Messenger was all the hype, and it created folders saving conversations. I saw that there was a folder with my father's e-mail. I still regret doing this, but I opened the folder and there were only two conversations there. I opened one of them. It was between my dad and another woman. (A little background first, I'm part Japanese part Peruvian, so I was raised pretty much praising my parents, feeling they were perfect and could never do any harm or anything wrong). He was telling her how he was going to travel to Japan to live there, and he was going to take her. She said she couldn't do it or something. And he said something implying that if she didn't come how were they going to be intimate. I can't remember anything else, but that part really hurt me. It hurt me so damn much.

 

After all that I felt like, if I couldn't trust my father how could I ever trust anyone else. As I mentioned before, I kind of buried all of this deep inside of me. I didn't want to bring it out. But I now realize this might be the root of all my insecurities and trust issues, especially in relationships.

 

I never thought I'd ever talk about my dad cheating. And what makes it worse I guess is the fact that he never owned up to it. Until this day he still tells my mother she's the only one...

 

I still feel so resentful, even after all these years. I hope that finally saying it outloud will help me move on.

[MirandaM]

Oh dear that is something you shouldn't discover by yourself, I'm glad you at least opened up in anonymous forum.

I strongly suggest that you confide in someone you can trust, maybe a close friend?

 

My parents got divorced because my dad cheated and all and at the time my world crumbled but now both my parents are remarried and happy. I don't know how it is with your parents, like does your mom know or not.

 

First thing first I think you need to confide in someone you can trust because bottling it up is not an effective solution.