In love with my taken friend

[efr1061]

I met this girl through one of my friends. They started dating almost 3 years ago. She and I became very close because of how much we have in common. It wasn't until this last year that I realized that I developed feelings for her that have grown into something I have never imagined possible. I fell in love with her. She's the greatest thing that has ever entered my life. She knows about my feelings. I kissed her earlier this year after a night of all of us drinking. Which I apologized for the following day, yet she seemed not angry at all.

 

I never want to be one to break up a couple or have any intentions like that. I went back-and-forth with saying I can't be around because of my feelings but she kept saying it was an overreaction of cutting them out of my life. I continue to say how great of a friend she has become, much better than the boyfriend has truly ever been, whom I never really was great friends with to begin with.

 

It's gotten to a point where I can't even be around them together without so much pain. She and I have bonded so much and have talked about so many things with each other, even flirted. We have talked on the phone so many days of the week for months and texted each other every day. She kept telling me that she's trying to fix her relationship and goes back-and-forth saying we can't talk all the time, however she always returns to talking to me a lot. But the reasons of her trying to fix her relationship are because the boyfriend never shows true appreciation for her and doesn't respect her the way she deserves because he's very selfish. She never gets to do anything she wants. He has a tight leash over her. There was one point where he was following her on GPS through his phone keeping track of her every move. And I'm pretty sure he has a hunch that I like her because of how much I talk to her more than him when we all hang out, naturally of course because I have more in common with her than him. She's just a better person. She is the type to blame herself for a lot so when she says fixing her relationship, or working on it, I'm worried she's feeling like she's the problem.

 

Lately I've noticed when I hang out it looks like he intentionally tries to just hold her or kiss her when I'm talking to her or she's in front of me. I'm not hitting on her at all it's like he's trying to hurt me on purpose. And everything I know about him in the relationship, whenever he does these things, it feels like it's phony and it angers me and makes me disrespect him more and more because he does not deserve a wonderful woman like this. He's always constantly trying to hold her and it looks like they are attached at the hip. She has told me about their sex life and how it seems like he doesn't truly appreciate her in that way and she never feels lusted for. And he has a very poor libido. (Which is odd because he has hooked up with so many women before her and i am fairly certain he's been lying to her about his past partners and the number.)

 

My point is, it has got to a point that I cannot handle anymore, she knows my feelings, so I'm not sure what to do. I've always tried to stick around just to be a friend but this guy has just upset me too much where I can't hang out with them like I have almost every week for the last three years. It's always felt like she possibly had reciprocating feelings for me behind her current relationship but she is always trying to work on her current relationship. I have proved to her how much she truly means to me and he never seems to have gotten anywhere near that after nearly 3 years, from just simple gifts I gave her or letters I've written. They truly moved her and she has never seemed to have gotten anything like I gave her before from anyone. These were not necessarily romantic gifts so she wasn't cheating on him in anyway, they were just simple gifts to show her how much she truly is appreciated from someone.

 

So I don't know what to do. I told her I'll always be here for her as a friend but if I just disappear I feel like I betrayed that promise. But it's gotten so painful for me when I hang out with both of them together. It seems like it's always been them and then me for their entire relationship even before I realized my feelings for her. I can't ask her to break up with him because she is too strong of a woman determined to see if she can fix a relationship. But I don't see that happening with the type of person that this guy is. I barely want to call him my friend anymore because of what I have witnessed over time.

 

Last I saw them was a couple days ago I went with them to a music festival. And I just felt so hurt at the end of the day. It was the worst out of all hang outs with the way it seemed like he was treating me. I was led to believe that he enjoys hanging out and wants me around more but I think that's plain lies he has given her. I haven't contacted her at all since. If she contacts me and brings up last time we hung out, she might ask what was wrong with me because at the end of the night it was visible something was bothering me because I was quiet. She and I have both always discussed depression with each other and we can relate on a lot of things along with anxiety and such and we get each other very much. So I'm not sure if I should try and be honest about how I am receiving pain from him. Or if she will just think I'm being biased.

 

Ultimately I wish she would just see it on her own how selfish and disrespectful he is of a person regardless of how small loving gestures he gives like little kisses or holding hands, underneath that is someone who has made me sick overtime because she doesn't deserve any of it. But so much more. I have always felt he is one big lie. I've seen it too; I know he is in certain areas for a fact. So I don't know what to do. I want to walk away from it all but I love her so damn much more than anything in this universe and life.

 

I'm sort of doing a distance/absence type thing, and I wonder if she will miss talking to me because we've talked for so many days for so long in a row. It's been three days now I'm not sure how long I should wait and what I should say when she contacts me next.

 

But I'm in way too much pain because of what this guy is doing to me and how fake he is to her. So this is my venting and I wish I was better at describing the scenario but I tried my best. I'm not just some jealous guy, this boyfriend is legitimately shady in this relationship and I want her to see it. Like I said I am not a homewrecker and I'm not going to but in directly but it hurts sitting on the sidelines watching and then being affiliated minorly and hurt directly from him when he continues to claim everything's fine and we are all having a good time. She told me when she hinted that he might be suspicious of my feelings, that his response was that's fine if I did have feelings. Which doesn't make sense because if I'm with someone I would not want any of my friends becoming attached to the girl I'm with.

 

So I'm just over all confused and in a lot of pain and the only thing I know for certain is how much I truly love this girl.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this is a tough position, having a crush on someone who has a bf.

 

It's easy to make believe he's a bad guy and keeping her from you so you can retain this idealized version of your crush but the truth is she is with him because she WANTS TO be, not because he is forcing her to.

 

To stop hurting so much, stop hanging around them and her and find a girl of your own to love.

Lately I've noticed when I hang out it looks like he intentionally tries to just hold her or kiss her when I'm talking to her or she's in front of me.

[rosephase]

"But I'm in way too much pain because of what this guy is doing to me and how fake he is to her."

 

This guy isn't doing anything to you. This woman did. She is the one who knows about your feelings and lets you drag your heart around after her. She likes the attention and gifts and doesn't mind that your hurting yourself on her over and over again. The guy? Your friend? His partner is hanging out with her "friend" who confessed his love to her, gives her all of his attention, buys her gifts and secretly thinks poorly of him. In this situation YOU are the jerk and SHE is being mean to you. If she respected you at all she would take space from you so that you could get over her and heal. But she enjoys knowing you love her, she enjoys the things you give her, the support you give her and so she doesn't care how much she's hurting you.

[SkellyWoozle]

She's playing you. If she didn't want to be with him and be with you then she'd go ahead and do just that. You need to break ties with them so she hasn't got this school girl hold over you and find someone who is single and cares for and has respect for you and won't mess you about. Good luck X

[TMifune]

Perhaps Liam Neeson can get her for you! ;-)

 

Kidding aside, listen. When a woman confides in you (as a guy) about her sex life, one of two things is happening:

 

1.) She's opening the door for you to seduce her.

2.) She views you like a girlfriend, in a comfortable and asexual way.

 

You made a move and she didn't bite, so it's not #1.

 

I also agree with others here. It might feel like he's sticking it to you, but from the outside what you describe of his behavior is entirely consistent with someone who's in a relationship just doing their relationship thing. Maybe.....maybe he's "marking his territory" but that's her problem not yours. She chooses to be with him.

 

The truth of the matter is that if she was really as great as you say, she'd be able to empathize with how that would make you feel and she'd do something about it, even if it was distancing her self from you.

 

Sorry, but you gotta let this one go.