Do I have the right to be annoyed?

[Littlemissbusy]

Going out with my boyfriend 1.5 years I know him about ten years as friends. Moved in with him to his family's land about six months ago. We talked about long term, marriage etx Noticed a few odd behaviours firstly how much he drinks (way more than I thought) and secondly he can literally drive off without a word for hours without telling anyone where he is going / with who / when he will be back. He doesn't lie about where he is but then doesn't say either. Often it's walking the dog but he often won't invite me or will be gone a long time. He works at home and so do I so I totally understand needing a break but despite him claiming he would never cheat I can't understand the secrecy

 

We had spoken about this and other issues (his extremely clingy female friend for wxample) a few times. It all came to a head two weeks ago when he left twice in a day for hours at a time and refused to answer his phone or anything. Came home after drinking to drink more. I just came out with it and told him how I felt. He admitted he has a bit of a drinking problem which isn't a big surprise. Claimed he didn't realise his communication was so bad. He asked me was I leaving, this is his answer whenever I try to have a conversation with him, I asked him did he want me to

Or was it his stock answer because his ex left without warning years ago? He said he didn't want me to leave made all sorts of promises etc. all grand until last weekend I came home after work and he and dog are missing. Two hours later no word so I went off for an hour and he gets back just before me. He had told me the night before we were going to do something together and he wouldn't be drinking yet he comes home clearly after having a drink with a bottle of drink. He acts like nothing has happened and started chatting away. I hate that as it means I'm the bad guy who has to bring it up! He clearly wasn't walking the dog for three hours. So I just kept quiet he knew I was annoyed but I hadn't the energy to go into it again. He knew I would get home and not know where he was and wouldn't have the basic respect for me just to text me or leave a note to say plans had changed or back later.

Today he and a friend went to visit his child abroad while child's mum is away. I know the child well as we see each other when they are over for weeks at Christmas / summer etx. I've never gone over before as he doesn't want me to meet his ex fair enough. This time his ex isn't there but he still only invited his friend fair enough. Have him some gifts for his child, drove them to airport, heard from him about noon and not a word since at eleven at night. Is it too much to ask for him even to bother to send a good night text, do I matter this little to him. I haven't text him as I text him back earlier and to be honest I'm sick of being the one to make the effort

 

Of course when he needed something this morning he was on the phone to me but it's like I only matter when it suits him.

 

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for letting me let off steam. I am feeling lonely and heartbroken not how you want to feel in a newish relationship. My last relationship lasted ten years but he left me and cheated on me. I have no confidence or self worth left. I love this new guy but I feel

He is making me behave like a clingy emotional woman because he refuses to simply have a conversation about things when he is under pressure or to show basic respect and tell me when he is heading out for hours. I know you could easily say just head out myself for hours but I doubt he would care. I just feel I deserve more than the Saturday evening I spent alone wondering where he was or this evening when the person I love can't even spare five seconds to contact me.

[Wiseman2]

Most alcoholics are secretive because they want to drink without being found out or nagged. Now that you moved in with him, you are seeing who he really is and he doesn't have to try anymore because moved in.

[SkellyWoozle]

You are not his priority.... alcohol is and unfortunately until he gets a grip of himself absolutely nothing will change. He seems content with his life and having you floating around in the background. He is an alcoholic. You have zero control over his behaviour. You have to make a choice to support him to get help, which seems unlikely at the moment, or find someone who loves and cares for you and respects you for who you are. It's easier to go for long walks with the dog than converse with you and face his demons.

[ParisPaulette]

Those are some giant red flags. And if he's driving while he's drunk please call the police on him. I lost a close childhood friend to a drunk driver, I am ruthless about that now. You should be too.

 

Given the ex's treatment of you and now this guy's I would advise you to dump him, ignore his cries and pleas, because you already gave him a second chance and he didn't honor it remember? Right now what you need is time off of the dating scene and relationships altogether, to take the time to work on yourself and build up your own self-esteem and self-respect, which actually come from you, not others.

 

Then when you're secure in who you are you won't tolerate such bad behaviors from other people. And no, the drinking itself is really bad, he sounds like a full on alcoholic--something he was likely careful not to show you when he was just a friend--and that's not even covering how he won't tell his ex about you (why is that, don't you find it weird, I have an ex and we had kids together, I never hid anything, didn't have to) as well as just refusing to tell you where he disappears to and won't answer why.

 

And you're right, you're there for when it's convenient to him, which is more about using you and control than it is an equal relationship that's a two-way street of mutual trust and admiration. Why bother staying? Are you that afraid of being alone that you'd rather settle for yet another bad relationship instead of just building a good one first with yourself and then finding someone sane to have a relationship with.

 

Because what you describe is anything but sane. At best he's disappearing for those long stretches and not telling you, because he's out at a bar getting drunk every time something upsets him and apparently a lot upsets him. That's best-case scenario. Worst case scenario there is another girl or five out there. Really bad scenario - well you don't want to know, let's just say I watch a lot of Criminal Minds and people who can't explain their whereabouts a lot are often doing some really bad things.

 

I say jump ship now, because that's just way too many serious red flags. You can't work on his issues and he sure isn't willing to do so either.

 

Maybe it's time to get into some therapy to explore why you are making bad relationship choices? And I mean that as a help, not to bag on you, but that's some pretty giant red flags to be putting up with on top of having come out of a previous bad relationship.

 

You will not mend your self-esteem or self-respect with bad relationships. You owe it to yourself to give you some attention and TLC and to walk away when you can see the situation is only getting worse and not better. He may talk a good game, but he is only able to talk now isn't he. Nothing changed. Plus why keep you a secret from others and why keep secrets about what he's doing from you?

 

That is seriously not good.

[moodindigo91]

He sounds like a giant man-child which is bad enough in and of itself, but add to that alcoholism and what you've got is a giant alcoholic man-child. Alcohol is his formula, he needs it and you are the thing that gets in the way of him getting it.

 

I don't know why you are wasting time with "are you leaving me?" "I don't know, do you want me to leave?" conversations, those are stupid, circular conversations that will get nowhere. He will promise you the world, but the second someone hands him a drink that will be forgotten.

 

You feel worthless, crazy, disrespected, etc... that's not how love is supposed to feel! That's just sad.

 

Unless he's making true progress and getting himself some serious help, I'd seriously consider leaving. If he continues drinking, his poor behavior will only get worse.

[j.man]

[double post]

[j.man]

Whose idea was it for you to move in? Are you working? It really sounds like whatever's going on, he doesn't see you living with him as a cohabiting kind of deal, but as some sort of favor to you. As others have said, he's just carrying on with you in the background. How much does he drink quantity-wise?

[Jibralta]

Most alcoholics are secretive because they want to drink without being found out or nagged. Now that you moved in with him, you are seeing who he really is and he doesn't have to try anymore because moved in.

 

I would add that it's typical behavior for addicts in general. The drinking, and the behavior that you actually see, is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Don't bother trying to help him or fix him. It's beyond your ability. Also, ignore his sob-stories and don't be guilted into staying with him out of pity.

 

He will bring you down.

[catfeeder]

Consider attending Alanon meetings to learn some realities about loving a drinker. They will teach you what you can do--and what you can't. From there, you can decide whether you'll want to invest the best years of your life into someone who's not in this with you.

 

No matter what you do, you can't fix him. You'll need to make a decision about how to best fix your OWN life.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.