How To Move On/Forgive Without An Apology

[rubysmile]

Hi all,

 

If you haven't read my previous post, I've been about a month and a half no contact with a guy I dated for 6 months. He wanted a relationship, told me he was over his previous relationship since the beginning, and 6 months later tells me he felt there was something "missing" and he wanted to be friends with me instead. 6 months later - after doing the nicest things for me and treating me like his girlfriend. Long story short, he lied to me and went back to his ex. He made me seem crazy when I mentioned her at the end and he didn't admit it. We went NC after we argued... His last words to me were that if his honesty wasn't enough for me, he had nothing else to say to me. Yet, he went back to his ex.

 

I'm doing better now than I was in the beginning but as you all can imagine, I get these waves of sadness, especially during my morning and nights. Last night I cried and mostly thought, how could he possibly think there was nothing wrong with what he did? And why did he have to lie to me? He thinks he's such a great guy and it just frustrates me that he doesn't realize how ed up he is.

 

My question to you all is, how do you move on and forgive someone who hasn't apologized? I don't want to sit around and keep ask myself why he doesn't see the wrong in leading me on, telling me he wanted a relationship, telling me he was over her, to then drop me when she came back.

 

I just want to move on.

[SkellyWoozle]

Some times there are no answers. The guy's a weasel who took the easy way out to make him feel better. The best you can do is try to move on and find someone who loves and cares for you and respects you for who you are. People like him aren't worthy of your thoughts or time as there probably are no answers. He's a slug X

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened to you and he got you caught up in their on/off insanity. You don't need an apology, it won't help you heal nor move forward.

 

You are fortunate to see his true colors relatively early on. He sounds quite selfish, unaware and lacking insight...which explains why he has on/off rather than real relationships.

 

All in all you dodged a bullet.

dated for 6 months.he lied to me and went back to his ex.

]

[SkellyWoozle]

Wise..... Please tell me how you post those.... I'm a total Luddite when it comes to such things!

[moodindigo91]

GIRL, when I was a freshmen in college, I had the opportunity to attend a speech and even meet the most amazing woman, her name is Eva Moses Kor. I have learned everything I know about forgiveness from her.

 

She is a Holocaust survivor, and she and her twin sister were used as experiments under Dr. Mengele (evil Nazi doctor). Her and her sister both escaped and survived, but the rest of her family was killed. The experiments performed on them had detrimental affects on her twin sister much later in life. One of her organs never grew as she continued to mature and age, I think it was her liver, but either way she had a liver the size of a child's and she was an adult. Eventually, she past away because of this. Eva Moses Kor missed her sister's funeral because she was in the US at the time of her death and by Jewish custom, the body must be buried as soon as possible either the day of or the day after, she couldn't make it back in time.

 

After all of this, she publicly FORGAVE Dr. Mengele, who by this time was long gone. This man never apologized. He tortured her and her sister and even caused her sister to die. Still, she found it within her heart to forgive.

 

All I'm saying is, if SHE can forgive HIM, YOU should be able to forgive ANYONE, including but not limited to your ex and yourself. All you have to do is look inside yourself and find the humanity that's in there. It doesn't matter why he did what he did, and the truth is that you may never know. That's fine because it won't matter in the future, and it doesn't matter now. What matters is you and your life. You need to do what you have to do to move on and be happy.

[SooSad33]

Don't expect an apology. Just know you're worth more than this!

And as mentioned.. you dodged a bullet.

 

Not sure if they were long term? But after a BU.. one NEEDS time to have everything settle back down, emotionally & mentally.

 

Life.. is an experience,,sadly not always good there.

[gypsybird87]

This is 100% just my own opinion, but I find "forgiveness" in these types of situations overrated. When my ex-husband cheated and left me after 8 years together, he wasn't the least bit sorry. And I didn't (and still don't) "forgive" him, because to me what he did was not a forgivable action. It was a cowardly, sh*tty move, period. I am not okay with what he did to me, and never will be, whether he ever comes crawling to me with an apology (ha!) or not. Like your ex, he saw nothing wrong with what he did. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness, so why would I give it to him?

 

What I DO believe in, is forgiveness for myself. Not him, ME. I forgave myself for loving and trusting someone who turned out to be so profoundly undeserving of my love and trust. I forgave myself for believing the lies that he told me, for overlooking red flags, and for putting up with poor treatment far longer than I should have, because I wanted so badly to be wrong about what was really happening.

 

The other thing I believe in is making an active decision that what someone else did to me will not define me. It will not define my self worth, or my happiness, or my ability to trust others. Because ultimately it was HIS failing, not mine. I was a strong, independent, faithful and loving woman, and I am STILL all of those things. I will not be defined by one man's betrayal. I saw a quote that really helped me when I was at the point you are:

 

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

 

Some may define the "cutting free" as forgiveness... and I agree in regards to forgiving yourself. Not him. Because f*ck him. YOU are what matters. You were also strong, independent and beautiful before him, and you still are. That anchor of misery is what's keeping you stuck and unable to move on. It's time to cut it free and sail on.

[catfeeder]

My question to you all is, how do you move on and forgive someone who hasn't apologized? I don't want to sit around and keep ask myself why he doesn't see the wrong in leading me on, telling me he wanted a relationship, telling me he was over her, to then drop me when she came back.

 

I just want to move on.

 

How long was it since his breakup that the two of you got together?

[rubysmile]

Thank you all for your replies. I can't stress how relieving it feels to come on here and know that someone is listening AND understands. You guys are awesome. Today has been one of those days for me, I've cried and cried, but this thread has been very helpful.

[rubysmile]

How long was it since his breakup that the two of you got together?

 

We met and began dating 7 months after his breakup.

[shellyf62]

This is 100% just my own opinion, but I find "forgiveness" in these types of situations overrated. When my ex-husband cheated and left me after 8 years together, he wasn't the least bit sorry. And I didn't (and still don't) "forgive" him, because to me what he did was not a forgivable action. It was a cowardly, sh*tty move, period. I am not okay with what he did to me, and never will be, whether he ever comes crawling to me with an apology (ha!) or not. Like your ex, he saw nothing wrong with what he did. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness, so why would I give it to him?

 

What I DO believe in, is forgiveness for myself. Not him, ME. I forgave myself for loving and trusting someone who turned out to be so profoundly undeserving of my love and trust. I forgave myself for believing the lies that he told me, for overlooking red flags, and for putting up with poor treatment far longer than I should have, because I wanted so badly to be wrong about what was really happening.

 

The other thing I believe in is making an active decision that what someone else did to me will not define me. It will not define my self worth, or my happiness, or my ability to trust others. Because ultimately it was HIS failing, not mine. I was a strong, independent, faithful and loving woman, and I am STILL all of those things. I will not be defined by one man's betrayal. I saw a quote that really helped me when I was at the point you are:

 

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

 

Some may define the "cutting free" as forgiveness... and I agree in regards to forgiving yourself. Not him. Because f*ck him. YOU are what matters. You were also strong, independent and beautiful before him, and you still are. That anchor of misery is what's keeping you stuck and unable to move on. It's time to cut it free and sail on.

 

Your post is amazing, thank you.

My ex cheated too, after 17 yrs of marriage & 2 children.

What you wrote really hit home to me. I am going to save it & re read it when I feel low.

[gypsybird87]

Your post is amazing, thank you.

My ex cheated too, after 17 yrs of marriage & 2 children.

What you wrote really hit home to me. I am going to save it & re read it when I feel low.

 

Shelly, I'm so glad my post was helpful for you. Sending you hugs!

[catfeeder]

He wanted a relationship, told me he was over his previous relationship since the beginning,

 

We met and began dating 7 months after his breakup.

 

We can't leave it up to a people to 'tell us' that they're not rebounding. Most potential rebounders believe that they're sincere and ready to date. It's up to US to assess whether someone has been out of a long term relationship long enough to be fully healed--and whether or not we want to be their experiment as they learn how to date again.

 

It's not a great idea to date someone under a year after their breakup if their relationship was long term. And 'breakup' doesn't include just a separation if they're married or were married, it means a year after their divorce was finalized.

 

These aren't exactly 'rules,' but they're decent guidelines for looking out for ourselves to avoid positioning ourselves as someone's rebound. That's not something that is done TO us--we participate in that. It's up to each of us to use good judgement when we date, and while that's not about blame, it's on us to Pay Attention to consequences when we jump in with both feet while another is still struggling with their own ghosts. And that's for us to observe based on their behavior and our own common sense--despite what they 'say'.

 

My heart goes out to you, and I'd reconsider carefully what I believe the advantage might be to viewing myself through a lens of victimization. That lens strips us of our ability to feel responsibly in control of our observation skills and good judgement going forward. It leaves us instead viewing ourselves at the mercy of other people's good or bad judgment. Is that really how you'll want to proceed with dating in your future?

 

I'd prefer to take my knocks as lessons I can actually use as I move forward. In this case, I'd screen potential relationships carefully, and if someone is newly dating after a broken LTR, I'd preserve future potential with anyone I really like by asking whether we can reconnect in a few months after he's had a chance to date around and confirm for himself that he's as solidly single as he believes himself to be. If he's not down with that, then I'd question whether his judgement is really something I'd want to rely on.

 

Head high.

[devinefaith]

I was in a similar situation and its was hard to move on I still have my moments. I even got an apology but honestly it doesn't change much what helps is to not communicate and move on with your life as hard as that may sound surround yourself with your family and friends real people who care about you. It will get better in time.