Jump to content

I suppose it's a date?


trezeralietas

Recommended Posts

I've hung out with this guy twice, as a part of a group. I actually met all the people in the group the same night two weeks ago and joined them for a drink. When I joined them it was because a girl in the group with whom I'd been chatting earlier ran into me again and asked if I'd like to join. When I answered yes, she immediately turned to a fellow at the bar and introduced us to each other. (We'll call him Anthony) .It felt oddly specific, because when we got back to the table, she just generally introduced me to the rest of the group and I had to go around asking each of their names.

 

Anyway, I digress. I hit it off with everyone there and they invited me to join them again in the future to which I readily agreed. A week later, one of the guys in the group with whom I'd become Facebook friends, reached out and invited me for a drink. When I replied in the affirmative, he wrote back that he would also invite Anthony as well as the girl who had introduced us.

 

Again, I'm rambling... long story short, I sat next to Anthony and it was a fun night of discussing ideas and laughing. I didn't get any particular vibes from him, so i was surprised that when we were about to leave he waited separate from everyone and walked me to my car. When we got there, he asked if I'd go see a film with him sometime. We're going to dinner and a movie Wednesday. (And he called me to set it up--so old-fashioned!)

 

I guess I'm a little confused because he never really showed particular interest while we were hanging out in the group--at least not in a way I recognize as male interest. He mostly seemed to avoid direct eye contact, never really addressed me specifically about anything or asked questions, and while friendly in his responses to my questions, that was just it--friendly, not even a little flirty. Maybe he just wants to go to the movies as friends? I've been out of the dating game a long time (my 11 year marriage ended nearly a year ago and I'm a little older--34). Maybe I don't know what male attraction looks like anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd say see what happens! Maybe he's shy and didn't want to make a scene in front of everyone. Maybe he just wants to be friends, maybe he wants more. Old fashioned is good. It means he 's respectful and caring. Just go with the flow and see what happens. Hope you have a lovely time. Keep us posted X

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Instead of focusing on definitions, the main questions to ask yourself are if you enjoyed the time with him at the bar and now the upcoming dinner. He will be asking himself the same thing. If you both enjoy the time, there will be a follow up and it will progress. If either of you didn't, then there won't be a follow up. That's dating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe I don't know what male attraction looks like anymore.

 

Both genders struggle with flirting and reading signals. It's a balancing act. Showing interest, but not too much interest. Being vulnerable, not too vulnerable, and at the right time. And everyone is different, and everyone has a different comfort level.

 

Sometime it's obvious. Unfortunately in your case, it is not. Go with the idea it is somewhere between 'getting to know you' and a date. If he doesn't flirt he may simply be less bold, or less confident, or not interested, or a combination of. Personally I don't think he would wait and walk you to your car if there wasn't some interest.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've hung out with this guy twice, as a part of a group. I actually met all the people in the group the same night two weeks ago and joined them for a drink. When I joined them it was because a girl in the group with whom I'd been chatting earlier ran into me again and asked if I'd like to join. When I answered yes, she immediately turned to a fellow at the bar and introduced us to each other. (We'll call him Anthony) .It felt oddly specific, because when we got back to the table, she just generally introduced me to the rest of the group and I had to go around asking each of their names.

 

Anyway, I digress. I hit it off with everyone there and they invited me to join them again in the future to which I readily agreed. A week later, one of the guys in the group with whom I'd become Facebook friends, reached out and invited me for a drink. When I replied in the affirmative, he wrote back that he would also invite Anthony as well as the girl who had introduced us.

 

Again, I'm rambling... long story short, I sat next to Anthony and it was a fun night of discussing ideas and laughing. I didn't get any particular vibes from him, so i was surprised that when we were about to leave he waited separate from everyone and walked me to my car. When we got there, he asked if I'd go see a film with him sometime. We're going to dinner and a movie Wednesday. (And he called me to set it up--so old-fashioned!)

 

I have a different viewpoint then the others. I don't believe in coincidences. I think you were set up, as you are indicating in your update. It looks like the group wanted to find Anthony a gf, and selected you.

 

It's strange that one man will ask you out for a drink, and then bring Anthony, who you ended up sitting next to. What happened to the other man? He was the one who invited you out. Are you more interested in the man who asked you out, or Anthony?

 

Now, if you like Anthony, and he is the type of man you would like to go out with on a date, then fine. But, do it because it's what you want, and not because it is what that group wants (Anthony's best interests, and not yours).

 

BTW - As for going out on a 1st date, I would settle for the dinner, but not also the movie (that's best reserved for a future date, if the 1st date went well).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's interesting you should see it that way SoulTaker. I was also thinking it might be a set up. Maybe he only asked me because he knew his friends wanted him to.

 

To answer your questions, I am not at all interested in the guy who made the invitation. He and I are friendly, and that's all that's there on both parts. Plus, he's Indian and I'm pretty sure only dates/will marry another Indian woman. Actually, everyone in the group is from India besides me and Anthony. Luckily, Anthony is exactly the kind of guy I would date. He's kind, intelligent (PhD candidate in astrophysics), has manners, is interested in other cultures, and is a pretty good looking guy.

 

I'll just take it as a chance to get to know him and maybe all that will come of it is a new friend (well, a whole group of friends, actually). That would be pretty awesome.

 

Thanks for the input everyone. I'll report back!

 

Oh, one more thing: how would y'all deal with paying for dinner/movie? I have no expectation that he'd pay, but I don't know how he views these things, or even if it's a date!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's interesting you should see it that way SoulTaker. I was also thinking it might be a set up. Maybe he only asked me because he knew his friends wanted him to.

 

To answer your questions, I am not at all interested in the guy who made the invitation. He and I are friendly, and that's all that's there on both parts. Plus, he's Indian and I'm pretty sure only dates/will marry another Indian woman. Actually, everyone in the group is from India besides me and Anthony. Luckily, Anthony is exactly the kind of guy I would date. He's kind, intelligent (PhD candidate in astrophysics), has manners, is interested in other cultures, and is a pretty good looking guy.

 

I'll just take it as a chance to get to know him and maybe all that will come of it is a new friend (well, a whole group of friends, actually). That would be pretty awesome.

 

Thanks for the input everyone. I'll report back!

 

Oh, one more thing: how would y'all deal with paying for dinner/movie? I have no expectation that he'd pay, but I don't know how he views these things, or even if it's a date!

 

If the guy who invited you out for a drink, only dates and marries Indian women, then why did he invite you out for a drink? Anyway, don't let your guard down when it comes to Anthony. You would like for a man to show some initiative when it comes to dating you, and not have others do his dirty work for him.

 

As for paying, bring your money and see how it evolves. If he offers to pay, then fine. If he doesn't, then be prepared to pay for your meal. I don't know what type of social skills this man has, based on all that has transpired.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, an update: I guess it was a date. Though I spent the first part (dinner) wondering. He was plenty interested and we talked easily about many things, laughing often, and making decent eye contact...but something felt...odd. I can't put my finger on it. Anyway, dinner was good, no odd lulls in the conversation, very easy companionship and he paid when the bill came.

 

Then, I thought he'd maybe suggest we take one car to go to the theater (it's maybe a half mile from where we ate), but we got outside and he said "So, I guess we'll reconvene at the theater?" I suppose I should have maybe suggested riding together, but that felt somehow intrusive or awkward. So, a few minutes later we're at the theater and I got the movie tickets. Things are still friendly and feel easy except I feel somewhat physically awkward with him. I feel like I should maybe hold his arm or his hand or something, but he seems kind of stiff and odd...He's a very tall, skinny, kind of gawky guy. I don't get the feeling he's had too many relationships, though I don't know what his history is as we haven't talked about that yet. He did mention that he used to be into anime (high school) and video games, typical nerdy boy stuff. As I've mentioned before, he's a 29 year old PhD Candidate in astrophysics studying renewable energy sources like photocells. So, he's exactly my type in that he's extremely intelligent, but he seems socially awkward. I think he's okay with me because I can basically talk to anyone and I have a lot of experience with nerdy types (they have traditionally always been the kind of guy I date--scientists, engineers, computer scientists) so I am very familiar with their stereotypical pastimes and interests like video games, programming, anime, comics, etc, etc. However, I am not so sure I'm that attracted to that kind of guy anymore. But, that's for another thread altogether.

 

Back to the topic at hand. Once we got in the theater we were the only people there. We were talking about how cold it was and he said his hands were like ice. Without thinking about it I reached out and grabbed his hand, and he responded well, he seemed interested in holding my hand. Then he asked if we could put the arm rest up and told me to lean forward and he put his arm around my shoulders. It felt nice, so I snuggled up to him and reached up and held his hand that was dangling over my shoulder. I ended up leaning against him and/or holding his hand(s) throughout the movie. It felt a little weird again once the movie was over. As we were walking out of the theater he tried to put his arm around me, but I didn't know where to put my arm and made a joke and he took his arm away and held my hand instead. Once he walked me to my car we both leaned against it for a few minutes and talked and when it was time to go he made a move to reach for me and we were face to face and I didn't know if he meant for it to be a kiss or not, but we were inches from each other and ended up kissing. It wasn't bad. It wasn't great. I didn't feel butterflies, but I've also only kissed the same person for the last 12 years (my ex husband). It felt really strange to kiss someone different.

 

He asked me if I would join him Friday to see the other movie we'd been contemplating seeing. He just texted me to tell me that I looked terribly beautiful tonight and he hopes we can have a repeat Friday. It's been years since I've had a man tell me I am beautiful, I had forgotten what that feels like. I'm not ruling anything out at this stage. I'm keeping my eyes open and, I guess Friday we have another date. Anyone want to tell me about their experiences of re-entering the dating world after a long term relationship? Thanks for all the insight and encouragement guys. Keep your wisdom coming--you have no idea how much I appreciate it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, he's exactly my type in that he's extremely intelligent, but he seems socially awkward. I think he's okay with me because I can basically talk to anyone and I have a lot of experience with nerdy types (they have traditionally always been the kind of guy I date--scientists, engineers, computer scientists) so I am very familiar with their stereotypical pastimes and interests like video games, programming, anime, comics, etc, etc. However, I am not so sure I'm that attracted to that kind of guy anymore. But, that's for another thread altogether.

 

That kind of fits what I mentioned about him in my earlier update. You're going to have to do some teaching, and hand-holding when it comes to dating this man. Are you up to doing this? This can happen to people who put all of their time and effort into one segment of their life, while ignoring the other areas (which prevents them from being well-rounded).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not really sure how much patience/energy I have for that. I've learned my lesson about hoping for my guy to grow in a different direction and not accepting him as he is. Doesn't end well. I might just transition this to a friendship.

 

I wouldn't write him off at this point. Just understand who you might be dealing with, and let the dating process sort things out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks SoulTaker. We went out again tonight and it wasn't nearly as awkward. He is an awkward guy and seems unsure sometimes. I think he's judging himself because he's apparently only had one real relationship four years ago, and I of course, have had a 12 year marriage and a few other serious experiences before. I personally don't care as long as he's willing to step up and be present and open with me. I told him it doesn't matter what we've done in the past, it's all relative. As the night progressed he seemed to get more comfortable and sure of himself, though still a little nervous and awkward at times.

 

I think he might be in disbelief that I like him. I don't mean that to say that *I'm* such a great catch, but on the contrary, it's as if he's convinced himself that *he's* not. It's evident in the way he talks about his brother--that his brother is the athletic, good-looking, lady killer, etc., and then he kind of looks embarrassed and scoffs when I say "And you're just the good-looking, brainy, funny one?"' At the same time though, he doesn't really come off as insecure in general. When he talks about his work with solar cells he's completely comfortable and confident (and it's extremely sexy).

 

I don't want to fall into the trap where I think I can love him into loving himself. But, I feel like with a little time and having someone else make him feel important/special he could start to see himself as attractive as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Agree. Don't pity date. But it seems you enjoy his "nerdy" company in general.

 

He may be very self-effacing, not insecure. Everyone is awkward at first, except players.

When he talks about his work with solar cells he's completely comfortable and confident (and it's extremely sexy).

]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks SoulTaker. We went out again tonight and it wasn't nearly as awkward. He is an awkward guy and seems unsure sometimes. I think he's judging himself because he's apparently only had one real relationship four years ago, and I of course, have had a 12 year marriage and a few other serious experiences before. I personally don't care as long as he's willing to step up and be present and open with me. I told him it doesn't matter what we've done in the past, it's all relative. As the night progressed he seemed to get more comfortable and sure of himself, though still a little nervous and awkward at times.

 

I agree. There are some out there who place so much focus and emphasis on one area of their lives (e.g. intellectual intelligence), that they ignore the other areas (e.g. social). It's a matter of whether they want to place the time and effort into improving these other areas that were neglected.

 

It's also the matter of how much time and effort you want to spend in working with them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh gosh you guys--I seriously need someone to smack me. All of the sudden, after our Friday date I can't get this guy out of my mind. One minute I'm thinking about friend-zoning him, and the next I'm obsessing over the fact that I haven't heard from him.

 

I'll be the first to admit that in the past I always dated emotionally unavailable/stunted men who wanted to rush into a relationship and pushed hard for commitment and physical stuff really early. Also, I've never really casually dated or started as friends. It was always I met a guy, we hit it off, boom! We're a couple. I find myself trying to repeat this pattern with him, and I don't want to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Adultery - the New Monogamy?
      Adultery is the Future of Marriage? The ancient institution of monogamous marriage is ill-suited to the exigencies of modern Western civilization. People of both genders live and work longer (which renders sexual exclusivity impracticable); travel far and away frequently; and are exposed to tempting romantic alternatives via social networking and in various workplace and social settings. As leisure time increases and physical survival is all but effortlessly guaranteed, recreation takes precedence over procreation.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Healing the Child Within
      In today’s episode of The Terri Cole Show, you are in for a treat. I am interviewing a new pal, his name is Nate Postlethwait, but you may know him as @nate_postlethwait on Instagram.

       
      • 0 replies
    • How to Sort Your Life Out | Self Improvement
      This video is about how to sort your life out. There are four important things you need to do to sort your life out ASAP.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Triggers
      You may be tempted to deal with your triggers by avoiding everything or everyone that triggers you. Although that will help you feel better in the moment, it will make life a lot harder for you over all. Instead, here's an emotionally intelligent way of managing your triggers that will help you a lot more.

       
      • 0 replies
    • No Intimacy Without Personal Boundaries (Q&A)
      The ability to thrive in intimacy is inextricably linked to the capacity to maintain and enforce personal boundaries. In personality disordered patients, both are sorely compromised.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...