am I being irrational?

[rrovertherain]

I am very close to my siblings. A few months ago, I met this guy while visiting my brother in another country. He was not acquainted with my brother before that but they go to the same church. Still, he had not seen my brother at all since my departure until a couple of weeks ago. Anyhow, I came back home and said guy and I started to talk to each other -through e-mail mostly. I was about to break up with him (i felt there was an intellectual and spiritual mismatch there) when he offered to come see me during a visit closeby. I could not say no. So, he came. He paid for his tickets to an airport closer to me (I live in a small town) but I still had to drive 3-hours to pick him up and drop him off at my own expenses and I paid for all his expenses (meals, entertainment tickets etc) during his 4-day stay. He stayed at my place in the guest room, so no hotel. His tickets cost no more than $50. Not only he did not offer to contribute, but he hinted more than once that he was expecting me to do that. He had an extra luggage allowance, so I asked him if he could deliver some gifts for my brother for me and he said 'well, if you drive me back to the airport, I could'. So I did. Nothing happened between us during his stay and at the end of it, I had an official breakup talk with him. He did not like it. My brother went to pick up his gifts and that was the end of it. I hoped. But he keeps writing to me and I ignore it.

 

Anyhow, my brother knew the background of the whole thing. The other day I was talking to my brother and complaining about how the guy still writes to me online as if the breakup has not happened and even though I ignore his e-mails and how he pursues a long distance relationship while I clearly have said that it's not going to happen. My brother said nothing then but today, he casually mentioned that his wife and he decided to invite that guy over for dinner and it happened this past weekend. Not only that, but as if no conversation had taken place between my brother and I about this guy practically stalking me, he said 'oh, he's such a great kind guy'.

 

I felt that 1. they had met that guy through me and they should have said something if they decided to hang out... 2. that guy's behavior was insulting during his stay here having me undertake all his expenses disproportionately to the amount he paid to come and also, because he did not respect my wish for a clean breakup... 3. that seeking out a new friendship with a guy with whom I just broke up and was trying to show to that there is no way we'll be together is undermining my effort to explain to this guy in no uncertain terms that it's over. I told my brother those and he got very defensive. I wasn't trying to tell him whom to hang out with and I would never ask him to cut off a person already in his life (I explained those) but this was a new acquaintance whom he had seen once 7 months ago and he had not sought to hang out with until he became an ex of mine. Anyhow, he said that he only invited him over because he wanted to thank him for carrying along the gifts I said. I said that this favor had been more than paid off in full by me undertaking all his expenses and transportation here. He insists that I am trying to interfere with his social life and this statement as well as what brings it up is hurting me.

 

Am I wrong?

[SkellyWoozle]

I think there are two issues here.

 

1. You're most miffed because this guy took advantage of your good nature and ultimately it didn't work out.

 

2. You're miffed because your brother is now friends with this person.

 

So how do you deal with each? 1. Get over it. He took advantage of you and it hurt you, of course. But it's over - at your behest. Tell him once and for all you're not interested AT ALL. Block anything and everything to do with him, forget him and move on. Find someone who doesn't abuse your kindness.

 

2. What your brother does and who he chooses to be friends with is nothing to do with you. I'm guessing you think, to a point, that your brother has chosen this fella over you, especially when you feel like this guy took advantage of you and your brother should be sticking up for you. Maybe he just doesn't want to get involved in that side of it. Leave him to be friends with who he wishes - you don't have to have anything to do with him (the friend). If you go and see your brother, just ensure that the other guy isn't there.

 

Move on, have a happy life and find someone kind, considerate and a lot closer to where you live. Good luck X

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you were not direct enough with him about expenses/expectations while staying with you, as well as the supposed break-up. It sounds like a lot of miscommunication/misunderstandings

 

Send one last text that it didn't work out and to not contact you, then block him.

 

This is between you and this guy, not between your brother and this guy, so don't put your brother in the middle. It was your lack of being forthcoming and subsequently resentful with regard to this guy that caused these hard feelings..

that guy's behavior was insulting during his stay here having me undertake all his expenses disproportionately to the amount he paid to come and also, because he did not respect my wish for a clean breakup

[moodindigo91]

I agree with Skelly. They are really two completely different situations. First of all, I don't get the whole "I could not say no, so he came" line.

 

Why exactly could you "not say no"? You set yourself up for failure there. Especially if you were already planning on dumping the guy. If this guy is still bothering you via the Internet, you need to block him. Just ignoring him does nothing, in fact, it makes him think he can/should keep doing it. So in that respect, you are setting yourself up for failure again.

 

Now this guy has infiltrated your family. Or at least I think that's how you see it. If this guy really is as bad as he seems to you, then his friendship with your brother might be short lived. If your brother and his wife think he's a great guy then they are entitled to be his friend. It's not like this guy did something extremely terrible to you that would be unforgivable. At that point, I'd say it's okay to be mad. But honestly, your brother can be friends with whoever he wants, and you don't live anywhere near them and aren't a player in the situation at all anymore so it's probably best that you let this slide.

[melancholy123]

I hope you heed the advice given here as the posters ahead of me said everything I was going to say.

[rrovertherain]

Thank you every much. This is great advice, and I do plan to heed it. What my brother has done does hurt me a little and I cannot control that, but I can control how I deal with it.

 

For the record, regarding other guy, though: it was a mistake that I could not say no. It's something I have yet to learn. However, I think that no matter what the perspective of a relationship is, the fact that I did not set clear financial expectations was not my fault. There is convention here and convention says that you split expenses by half or the man pays -but I always go by the first. I could not say to a house guest before his arrival 'hey, here are my financial expectations of you'. It was not polite. Chances are 99% people would not act the way he did. I was unlucky but it wasn't my fault and I won't beat myself for that.

 

Also, I *have* clearly said 'it's over'. I have clearly said that I don't want to be bothered anymore. I haven't blocked him because this is not how I operate, but blocking is not my style. I may have to resort to it but I haven't yet.

[catfeeder]

Regardless of outcomes with the guy, your brother has been introduced to a new potential friend who shares his church. That's not about you, it's about brother living his own life locally.

 

Your passivity with the guy is what set you up to get run over by him, and that's between you and the guy--it has zero to do with your brother. Just continue ignoring any messages--pressing 'delete' is not a big effort. Opting to feel hurt by your brother's dealings with the guy is a narrow focus that only harms you. I'd rethink that.