I'm so confused and lost

[Elaine321]

My ex left me two months ago today. After the breakup he agreed that we could start fresh, but that it would be a long road. That wasn't an issue for me because I definitely want to give us the best chance possible. We had a few misunderstandings about the time and nature of our current relationship. He said it'd be at least 6 months and that communication would progress as changes were made. I am the only person initiating contact thus far. In the beginning he would respond to my "hi, how are you" texts without any interest in me or my life. The last couple weeks, since I've back off a bit, he's reciprocated the questions. Our conversations are very brief, 2 or 3 exchanges at best, and then it's up to me to initiate contact again. It's really starting to weigh on me emotionally and I just don't know if I'm handling things correctly. I'm clouded by my feelings for him and I just need some outside perspectives. How do I get him to see that I'm improving if he doesn't want to know about my life? How can he say we can start over if he doesn't seem to care if we're in contact or not? He said that things don't have to be perfect, but I can't do it all on my own?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but why are you accepting this limbo treatment? Do you still see each other? Have you ever met in person? How long were you dating?

 

"We had a few misunderstandings about the time and nature of our current relationship".-Yes, it sounds like he's done and you didn't get the memo.

 

You can't be in a one-way relationship. It would be best to stop chasing him and go no contact.

He said it'd be at least 6 months and that communication would progress as changes were made. I am the only person initiating contact thus far. and then it's up to me to initiate contact again.

[Elaine321]

I know it is primarily fear-based. I know that I am acting irrationally. I've honestly never wanted an ex back until this one. I've never given anyone the power to make me feel so insecure before and it's definitely new territory for me. I mistakenly thought that I could carry on speaking to him the way that we did before he left. It made him feel awakard so I took a step back and respected that. We were together for 10months and I haven't seen him since the month we broke up (July). It's only been less than a week since the last time we spoke and I know that I'm doing way more than my fair share. Logically, chasing him would not be the way to respond, but the heart really wants this man back.

[moodindigo91]

He is stringing you along. The proof is in your post. No intentions of getting back together with you, or at least they are very low intentions. You should cut contact and heal. This is a waste of your time.

 

he agreed that we could start fresh, but that it would be a long road

 

He AGREED, but it wasn't his idea.

 

We had a few misunderstandings about the time and nature of our current relationship.

 

Misunderstandings means you thought you guys were trying, he friend zoned you.

 

communication would progress as changes were made.

 

He's dictating how things are going, you have no say?

 

I am the only person initiating contact thus far.

 

Bad sign. He doesn't want contact then.

 

I can't do it all on my own?

 

You're right, this is very one-sided and it won't improve.

[SkellyWoozle]

You're doing the hard bit - he's sitting back taking his time with something he has no intention of fulfilling. I would cut all contact with him - he really doesn't seem all that bothered. He took the easy way out by saying you should have a break and then get back together gradually. You're making it far too easy for him to not take any responsibility. Sorry, but I think you should just cut all ties with him X

[Wiseman2]

You haven't seen him in months, he doesn't contact you, he broke up with you, yet you speak as if this is an "us" thing?

I know that I'm doing way more than my fair share.

[Elaine321]

I figured as much. I'm just having a hard time telling my heart what my head already knows. I didn't look at it like him simply agreeing to what I said. I just assumed that he saw something there worth rectifying since he said that he could see value in it. It's all about perspective and I've been stuck in my own.

[Elaine321]

I can't understand how he could be so cruel like that. When I told him that I thought we had different ideas of what was going on he asked me for my clarification and he responded with same idea and the. Said that our definitions of time were different. Even in hashing out some of the drama that unfortunately followed the breakup, he continued to reinforce the "if I get back together with you" scenario. It is, however, completely one-sided still. Just reinforces that I know that I should focus on what's best for myself.

[SkellyWoozle]

"If". He's keeping you hanging. Be the bigger person and tell him to get lost. He's playing with your heart and it's not fair. Dump him and make sure he knows it. Move on and find someone who genuinely loves and cares for you. Sometimes there are no answers as to why people do what they do. Hugs X

[moodindigo91]

If someone was telling me "IF I get back together with you... it will be a long road... you have to prove yourself..." I would leave in an instant. If he thought there was something worth rectifying then you'd be back together already, working things out. He clearly doesn't think so.

 

I don't know why you guys broke up or what you might have done but this isn't a court of law, you are not required to prove yourself to anything or anyone. The moment someone asks you to prove yourself to them is the moment you should walk away.

[Wiseman2]

What did he mean by this? What was the breakup about?

Said that our definitions of time were different.

[Elaine321]

He decided to end things because he felt as though he didn't have a place in my life and that I didn't take his opinions or feelings into consideration. He didn't like the party lifestyle that I lived. He owned up to his role in our demise as well. I figured that we would just start over from there, but I realized that I hadn't and still haven't fully let go of the past. I know that I can't hang onto this hope alone, but why would he be so helpful in identifying his issues and freely talking to me about his fears and concerns moving forward? His perspective is that changes take time to stick and wounds take time to heal. We both have self work to do and I'm more than likely trying to rush that in order to soothe me. I don't feel as though my side is impossible. He just wants consistency and duration. Someone who will give as much as he did and I was admittedly selfish on my part. He admitted that he didn't open up like he should have and that the situation was overall not favorable. I have an overactive mind and I know that since we have broken up that I haven't given him any space and my contacts have been out of desperation. He has never rejected my conversations or ignored me. I don't know how to explain this without defending him. I understand why he would have his reservations, they're about 80% valid reasons.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you had major incompatibility issues which began to be noticed around the time when the infatuation wears off several months into things. It sounds like all these discussions took place at the time of the breakup 3 months ago and he has tried to avoid any contact since finalizing the breakup.

 

Do not change yourself or fix yourself for someone you dated 10 mos and it didn't pan out. don't expect him to 'work on' anything either. He's done and just used the 'if we get back' line to soften the blow. Stop chasing him and contacting him as if you are still a couple. Have some self-respect and let go.

He didn't like the party lifestyle that I lived. I know that since we have broken up that I haven't given him any space and my contacts have been out of desperation.

[moodindigo91]

What a crock of poo. He didn't own up to anything, the way you make it sound it sounds like he's blaming you for every problem you had and is requiring you to change drastically in order to reconcile. You says he says he wants consistency and duration, yet he's being extremely inconsistent and showing very low durability.

 

If he didn't like your lifestyle, you are not compatible. Instead of trying to change yourself to get back with this guy, you should find a guy that likes going out as much as you do and will go out WITH you instead of trying to change you. Sounds like this guy has conveniently placed himself on a high horse and you're down below groveling at his feet which is just what he wanted all along.

 

I agree with Wiseman, have some self-respect and let go.

[Elaine321]

Fair enough. This is why I need outside perspectives. My emotions are running the show right now and logically, I know that I need to let go either way.

[Elaine321]

Update: Well what do you know, three weeks later and he's wondering where I've disappeared to. He came back and now I don't care. Funny how that works out. Best of luck out there to all the people struggling. It really does pay to become comfortable in your own happiness and self reflection. Have a great day!

[No1]

Confused and lost are code for: My brain says one thing, my heart says another so Im standing still until he/she finds me.

Somewhere in you, you know this is over. In another part of your body it says there is still hope. So the hope part is winning because you are standing still. Rather than taking control of your life, you are allowing fate to guide you.. in the words of Dr Phil.. "Hows that working for you?"

 

So one day you are going to have to decide, do you begin to take control and move forward and begin to disconnect from the situation or do you dive into the pool of uncertainty. In 6 months which do you think will be better for you? Here is the truth. If a man wants you or wants to be with you, you can move forward with your life and he will still find you. I think this guy is in a hover pattern above you. He is waiting to see what you are going to do. Are you going to be the person he wants you to be or are you going to be the person you wan to be? If he sees no change into the person he wants you to be, he will just leave..and it sounds like he is moving away from you now. So why not be you and if you are the party type, then party. Find a guy who is more inline with who you are.

[Elaine321]

I won't say that this breakup was all bad. My ex taught me a lot, despite the way things ended. I may still be sad from time to time, but I'm no longer stuck in despair and longing. Everyone is right. I can't put my life on hold just because someone no longer wishes to be in it. It's my life and I'm supposed to live it for me. Him reaching out did break my heart, but only because I no longer feel those things for him. I know that he is not genuine in the pursuit and I'm done putting up with treatment that I don't deserve at the expense of my emotional wellbeing. He doesn't see me as a fit partner, but someone will someday. Right now I am enough for me and that's all that really matters.

[No1]

Just be happy with who you are. Let life handle the rest

[Elaine321]

Here's another update: it's been over two months with no communication between the two of us. I wanted to work it out, but it was one sided. Now, logically thinking, it would be weird and awkward to even think about. That part of my life is done with and I've moved on. The only solid advice that I can offer to anyone that is hurting is to focus on yourself. Don't give the power over your happiness to anyone, but yourself. It will get better, but you have to do the work to get better. You'll thank yourself in the long run. Don't try to force anything and let life happen naturally. You will be ok and you will love again, but love yourself again first.