How to approach her.

[Fisyr]

You'll probably tell me, that I am over-analyzing things and you'd most likely be right. If you read the other post I made in section dating and shy people, about not being able to find a partner it sums up my position pretty well: I'm a shy guy who feels quite lonely. I usually meet women only on dating sites, because I'm rather introverted and I don't frequent lot of places where there are many women.

I also have issues approaching people I do not know. Oddly enough it didn't really prevent me from getting friends as there are always couple of people who start a conversation with me and we get pretty close soon.

 

I'm a student currently in phD. and as far as academia is concerned, pretty much since high school I never got to really close to any girl I felt attracted to for the reasons described above.

 

I'm a bit tired of this pattern of seeing someone in my class I'm attracted to, but having little to no idea how to approach her besides saying "hi, how are you?" and move on, so I would at least for once take some initiative and if nothing else at least have a chat with a fellow student, whose look I like, to gain a bit of confidence in that area.

 

And that's where the issue is: I don't know much about her: only that go to one same course (for a couple of weeks now) and that she has a next course afterwards, so not really much time to chat...

 

Just to be perfectly clear while I may have some small mental issues, once I get to talk to a person for a bit I don't have any kind of problem keeping a conversation.

 

My friend suggested to me, to just sit next to her before the next course starts (she usually sits alone) and make some remarks on the course to start a conversation and chat like that with her regularly to get to know her.

 

It sounds probably reasonable. I was more in line just telling her something like "I don't think we've talked yet: are you a master student?" and then chat a bit about our education, which is probably the area I'm most comfortable with.

 

So if anyone has any suggestions they are welcome.

 

Sorry for the long post and if what I said seems to you weird, I can perfectly understand: it's simply that I feel lonely and if I don't try to take some initiative outside of dating sites, it seems to me I won't be able to move anywhere.

 

And as I said if you say to me it's no big deal you will be right, it's just that I'm so shy, I can't help, but make it a big deal.

[SkellyWoozle]

Just be yourself. Sit next to her, talk about "stuff" even just break the ice by saying hi and asking her how she's getting on with the course. If she sits on her own she might be shy too so you'll have to step up and make the first move. Go to lunch together during college. Good luck X

[Wiseman2]

Your friend deserves an honorary PhD in "getting to know girls"

My friend suggested to me, to just sit next to her before the next course starts (she usually sits alone) and make some remarks on the course to start a conversation and chat like that with her regularly to get to know her.

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[Fisyr]

Well...

It didn't really happen as expected.... she put her bag on the chair next to her and I found it rude to get trough quite a few people sitting in the same row and ask her to to move her stuff just so that I could sit next to her.... I'm definitely no expert in approaching people, but I doubt that's the right way to do it. xD

 

At this point I really don't know... should I just go to her after class and try to ask her a couple of questions to start a conversation?

 

I'm sorry to bother you people with such overly trivial questions, but I guess the stereotype of lonely asocial scientist in his lab is true for at least some of us.

[Wiseman2]

Yeah I would try that approach: "just go to her after class and try to ask her a couple of questions to start a conversation"

I guess the stereotype of lonely asocial scientist in his lab is true for at least some of us.

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[SkellyWoozle]

Just wait for the right opportunity to arise.... don't chase her down. When you see her, smile and say hi. At least then she knows of your existence and you're "planting the seed". There's really no rush. Take your time..... If you rush at her and she's never even noticed you before she might think it's a bit weird ( not saying for one minute you are). If you've seen each other around anyway then why not drop her a note? Girls like notes.....

[Fisyr]

Just wait for the right opportunity to arise.... don't chase her down. When you see her, smile and say hi. At least then she knows of your existence and you're "planting the seed". There's really no rush. Take your time..... If you rush at her and she's never even noticed you before she might think it's a bit weird ( not saying for one minute you are). If you've seen each other around anyway then why not drop her a note? Girls like notes.....

 

I get the idea and I definitely don't really want to "rush" at her, but the thing is: considering my past experiences: I just was the guy who always stared at a girl in my class and never ever got to talk to her.

 

As far as notes are concerned.... I just don't know seems to me a bit... childish. As much as I'd love that kind of stuff it just seems to me a bit inappropriate In some sense even more so, than rushing at her after class.

As much as my problems seem like those of a first grader I'm unfortunately a guy in my late twenties, who just hopes he'll be able to one day find a girl who'd go out with him on more than one date...

Also don't worry: you can call me weird I won't take offense. In many ways you have to be weird to do a phD. in mathematics.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, don't rush her after class, but do try to be hanging around so you put yourself in a position to start up a convo.

 

Are you social media friends?

you have to be weird to do a phD. in mathematics.

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[FlashEng1]

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Rekt.

 

 

 

Hmm. I'd echo your friend in trying to sit next to her in class and bringing up conversation about her classes/passions. If she has her bag blocking the chair one day, try the next.. If you become impatient about waiting (like it's been a couple of weeks with still no luck) I'd figure a way to build up enough courage to flat out ask if you can sit there.

 

Right now, everything you're working off of is all superficial. Your thoughts of how this girl is (is she a crazy partier? Is she completely irresponsible when taking care of her money or making good life choices? Does she prefer blowing money at restaurants over cooking together at home? Does she always drive 5 miles below the speed limit!?!???? are voids being filled in by whatever fantasies you build up about her. That's not fair to either her or you in establishing a real connection.

 

I'd encourage you to get as much practice now as you can. You, more than most, can appreciate the statistical probability you're given when calculating your chances of success in finding someone by keeping shy/quiet versus embarrassing yourself a few times in the beginning but getting actual practice out of it.

 

It's not always about hunting her down and making your interest known. Sometimes creating that "environment" or "moment" is just as key... And a "moment" can be as simple as you asking to sit next to her (and her moving her backpack), and following up with a few questions about her studies/notes/next class/interests.

[SkellyWoozle]

I get the idea and I definitely don't really want to "rush" at her, but the thing is: considering my past experiences: I just was the guy who always stared at a girl in my class and never ever got to talk to her.

 

As far as notes are concerned.... I just don't know seems to me a bit... childish. As much as I'd love that kind of stuff it just seems to me a bit inappropriate In some sense even more so, than rushing at her after class.

As much as my problems seem like those of a first grader I'm unfortunately a guy in my late twenties, who just hopes he'll be able to one day find a girl who'd go out with him on more than one date...

Also don't worry: you can call me weird I won't take offense. In many ways you have to be weird to do a phD. in mathematics.

 

 

 

Ahh, apologies.... I thought you were younger - and that's my fault because I missed a line of your post. Anyway, yeah, everything I said except the note. That's a bit childish, eh?! Good luck X And there's nowt wrong with weird.... my kids tell me I am all the time

[Fisyr]

Well... I somehow managed to finally start to talk to her a little. Yesterday I went to a teaching workshop, where we accidentally ended up in a same group (I didn't even know she was going to attend it). I actually got to talk a bit about my experience as a teacher at that time.

Today I went to the class a bit earlier and sat next to her, so I finally got the chance to ask her name. Even though I prepared a conversation in my head, because I knew I was going to be pretty nervous, she asked me about my past as a teacher, so I got to talk about that instead and could get a bit more relaxed.

So yeah: while I'm extremely nervous, when approaching an attractive girl I don't know (I may actually even have some form of social anxiety), hopefully next time I'll be a bit less stressed as she's no longer a complete stranger.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Just relax and smile and keep the convo going.

I somehow managed to finally start to talk to her a little. Yesterday I went to a teaching workshop, where we accidentally ended up in a same group

Today I went to the class a bit earlier and sat next to her, so I finally got the chance to ask her name. Even though I prepared a conversation in my head, because I knew I was going to be pretty nervous, she asked me about my past as a teacher, so I got to talk about that instead and could get a bit more relaxed.

 

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[Fisyr]

First, I would like to thank you guys for encouraging me to sit next to her and start a conversation, because I know I hardly would have convinced myself alone to do that.

I would say that things are going pretty good right now, as I get to talk to her before the start of every class now. Without getting into too many details, I also have helped her out with something important to her. Latter I wrote her by mail a way she could return me the favor if she wanted to. She was actually very grateful and agreed, so I'd say we're on a good path on becoming friends, since we started to help each other out.

While I think it would be awesome to have a beautiful girl like her as a friend, you can imagine I would like us to be more. And that's where the issue is:

I don't really have experience when it comes to dating. I only went out with girls I met on dating sites, where the situation is a bit different, since we both know what we want.

 

I suppose I should ask her out at some point, but I'm not very sure when. I still don't know her much, because these discussions we're having before the class starts are quite brief and usually just around academic stuff. For all I know, she could already even be in a relationship. (I sure hope she is not, because I'm starting to have a crush on her.)

I would like to invite her somewhere: probably to some Cafe next weekend, just to get a chance to spend more time alone with her in a bit more casual environment.

 

Any thoughts on this are welcome. Do you think it would be a good idea, or should I still wait for a bit and continue just talking to her during these short times before class starts? Is there anything else I should think of?

[Fisyr]

Well never mind: she does indeed have a boyfriend. At least I won't have to be as stressed when around her anymore and hopefully we can still be friends.

Now I just need to find another girl to stalk on I guess.

My thanks to everyone who helped me out with my issues.