Trauma in childhood affecting relationship ?

[greengemma]

Would love some advice - I'm in a relatively new relationship, about 6 months together now and we're very happy and in love, both in our 30s. There have been some ups and downs (as standard) but we've worked through them together I think pretty well. Overall everything is great and I've no major complaints.

 

One thing I need some help with is his past. When I get upset about something and try to explain to him whats on my mind, he finds it almost impossible to put himself in my shoes. He says he thinks that maybe due to his traumatic childhood he really, really struggles to empathise.

 

I am very used to being diplomatic in relationships as my previous partner had huge difficulties expressing himself if things got heated, so I taught myself to communicate differently for him. This new partner is different but it just frustrates me a bit that I've worked so hard on my own communication and now this new guy is a new kettle of fish entirely - understandable as everyone is an individual of course. The weird thing is he isn't unsympathetic when we talk about other stuff and he seems emotionally very intelligent, it's just when I come to him with a problem (even if I phrase it as softly and politely and diplomatically as possible) he gets defensive as if any grievance I have automatically means I am mad at him. Like he turns into a child. I guess I can sort of see how a traumatic childhood could have created that.

 

When I gently asked how his childhood was (before I knew there was trauma involved) he said he didn't want to make out he was a victim and wanted to move on and be happy and not talk about it (this was a few months back). I hugged him, changed the subject and never asked about it again. I have worked with abused children before so I can kinda guess what may have gone on, so I will respect the vibe he is giving me not to poke at the wound.

 

Does anyone have any good resources for dealing with this kind of thing, how traumatic childhoods can manifest themselves later in life and in romantic relationships? In particular the lack of empathy thing?

 

We both want this to work long term and I want to do as much as I can to ensure I don't upset him or cause problems in the future. I've had a pretty strange/unhappy childhood myself and know I need to work on my communication skills anyway in general. I think perhaps we have more in common than we realise!

 

Thanks for reading my story

[SooSad33]

Hopefully, you two won't clash and strike this out, both being this challenged.

Yes, for sure, childhood abuse can affect you forever. And here, YOU have these challenges.. already.

 

I have been thru it.. but I have also had years of help (therapy) anti depr md's etc. Eventually I did have to take leave off work over the last 3 yrs.. due to my break down. Very emotional & anxious now...

 

IF he 'avoids' it all of the time, I am sure it'll catch up with him if he's got pent up anger issue's.. etc.

Do you know IF he's ever seeked prof help?? ( "move on and be 'happy'?). Maybe.. he can't? Maybe he has depression?

 

 

 

/

[dave_1966]

A lack of empathy could be concerning, as it could possibly point towards a personality disorder. A troubled childhood could also leave you with PTSD, amongst other things. Either way, nobody here would be able to diagnose the issue over a forum so I think a councelling session for the two of you is in order.

[reinventmyself]

A lack of empathy could be concerning, as it could possibly point towards a personality disorder.r.

 

I agree with this.

Just know that empathy is a developmental issue. If he doesn't have it now, he can't learn it.

I've come up.against what you described more than once.

Ultimately you won't be able to resolve differences and compromise with someone who feels attacked when you share with them how you feel.about something.

[ThatwasThen]

Is he or has he gotten therapy to overcome whatever the trauma is he had to endure during his childhood? If he hasn't then I'd be thinking about distancing myself from him. You're only six months in and you're starting a thread on how you can walk on egg shells for him? That's not promising for a happy long lasting union.

[greengemma]

Hopefully, you two won't clash and strike this out, both being this challenged.

Yes, for sure, childhood abuse can affect you forever. And here, YOU have these challenges.. already.

 

I have been thru it.. but I have also had years of help (therapy) anti depr md's etc. Eventually I did have to take leave off work over the last 3 yrs.. due to my break down. Very emotional & anxious now...

 

IF he 'avoids' it all of the time, I am sure it'll catch up with him if he's got pent up anger issue's.. etc.

Do you know IF he's ever seeked prof help?? ( "move on and be 'happy'?). Maybe.. he can't? Maybe he has depression?

 

Thanks for your reply ... it's hard to explain over a forum. He actually seems very happy, stable, got his life somewhat in order, he is affectionate and "normal" in the relationship otherwise and you could never tell he has had some trauma. Likely has not received professional help though I don't want to pry (unless he brings it up himself of course). Thank you for the links.

 

Sorry to hear you had a breakdown. 3 years is a long break, I hope it helped??

 

A lack of empathy could be concerning, as it could possibly point towards a personality disorder. A troubled childhood could also leave you with PTSD, amongst other things. Either way, nobody here would be able to diagnose the issue over a forum so I think a councelling session for the two of you is in order.

 

Yes I suppose I'm not really looking for diagnosis more just general advice how to deal with the empathy thing ... actually I don't really know what I'm asking (writing it all down has helpful though!). I will have to have a good google and read of as many advice websites as I can. Maybe this is my downfall, always looking for a solution for everything. Maybe I just have to accept that sometimes people aren't perfect.

[Ms Darcy]

I am strongly of the opinion that when you are in the early dating stages, your primary responsibility is to observe how well the two of you communicate and resolve conflicts.

 

Are you compatible? That's the question.

 

So when you deal with present, versus trying to psychoanalyze or unearth details of his past, you get into a much better position.

 

In other words, it doesn't matter why he does something. What matters is can you accept it and accept him?

 

All you can do is put your best foot forward in YOURSELF remaining communicative and empathetic. And then see how happy you are in the relationship.

[greengemma]

Is he or has he gotten therapy to overcome whatever the trauma is he had to endure during his childhood? If he hasn't then I'd be thinking about distancing myself from him. You're only six months in and you're starting a thread on how you can walk on egg shells for him? That's not promising for a happy long lasting union.

 

Hmm well it's not as bad as all that, hard for me to explain full extent and subtleties. I don't necessarily want to walk on egg shells for him but learn how to cope with his particular idiosyncrasies better.

 

In fact the last discussion we had was me saying that I can't ever hide when something really upsets me as that builds resentment and I want to feel comfortable talking to him about anything, and he totally agreed with me on that, which is awesome. I guess I'm still getting to know him and getting used to his style of conflict resolution which is so different from my previous partners. You feel really close to someone, and then when you argue, it's like you're getting to know them in a different way.

[Ms Darcy]

You are right. We definitely don't need to point towards diagnosis. It is more about looking for strategies to deal with the present and accept how he is.

[greengemma]

I am strongly of the opinion that when you are in the early dating stages, your primary responsibility is to observe how well the two of you communicate and resolve conflicts.

 

Are you compatible? That's the question.

 

So when you deal with present, versus trying to psychoanalyze or unearth details of his past, you get into a much better position.

 

In other words, it doesn't matter why he does something. What matters is can you accept it and accept him?

 

All you can do is put your best foot forward in YOURSELF remaining communicative and empathetic. And then see how happy you are in the relationship.

 

That's very true and a really interesting viewpoint. Yes, ultimately why he behaves as he does isn't important.

 

I hate it when people psychoanalyse me and yet here I am probably doing the same thing! Thank you.

[SooSad33]

"his particular idiosyncrasies "?

 

Yes, I had my break down as I had done about 3 yrs with Red Cross as a Psw and it became too much emotionally plus loss of a long term relationship- he cheated

 

As MsDarcy mentioned.. we come to see IF we are Compatible...

My most recent exprience was an awful one.. again. Bipolar.. angry, hostile man. ( Lasted less than 2 mos.).

Needless to say I am done with online dating.

[greengemma]

"his particular idiosyncrasies "?

 

Yes, I had my break down as I had done about 3 yrs with Red Cross as a Psw and it became too much emotionally plus loss of a long term relationship- he cheated

 

As MsDarcy mentioned.. we come to see IF we are Compatible...

My most recent exprience was an awful one.. again. Bipolar.. angry, hostile man. ( Lasted less than 2 mos.).

Needless to say I am done with online dating.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about the infidelity. Nothing angers me more than people hurting each other like that. Would give you a big hug if I could.

 

The Red Cross are amazing. I have done emotionally draining work too and it was not for me long term, too upsetting, too draining. Funny how caring people who are drawn to work like that often burn out huh. I couldn't leave my work behind when I went home. My eyes had been opened to a world of trauma, abuse etc.

[SooSad33]

Thank you Yes.. it was rough.. witnessing all I did. But, I tried. Now.. I am emotional *sigh*.

At least my break down occured when my kids were older. Some days are awful... plus i have those 'low' periods.. where not a lot gets done.

 

Re: peopl hurting each other? I really do wish the World was a little more compassionate, rather than so selfish.. some are total losers.

[greengemma]

Thank you Yes.. it was rough.. witnessing all I did. But, I tried. Now.. I am emotional *sigh*.

At least my break down occured when my kids were older. Some days are awful... plus i have those 'low' periods.. where not a lot gets done.

 

Re: peopl hurting each other? I really do wish the World was a little more compassionate, rather than so selfish.. some are total losers.

 

I'm in the UK so I am assuming your Red Cross is like ours? Yeah you can never have too much compassion right? My friends laugh at me when I go to hug the "free hugs" people but I'm trying to make a point that kindness is never a bad thing.

 

It's ok to have low periods, why not? It's like your heart needs time to heal.

[SooSad33]

Yes.. it sure does. especially with the encounters I;ve endured over my Lifetime.

 

Ys, I think RC is the same here. I worked with them.. elderly, ill, etc in the community. There's a bunch of different organizations. Psw is level below nursing. I was really good at it. Some favoured me Because I had a great heart, empathy etc.