Moved for love

[Lonesoldier]

After 6 months of relationship, my partner got a job at the other side of the country and I moved with him. We've been living together away from our home for 18 months now. I'm struggling.

 

I love him unconditionally, but I feel like this is not reciprocated and it is leaving me resentful. He doesn't show emotions, so he doesn't hug or kiss me unless asked for it. He also likes his space, so when we travel home he likes to attend friend events without me (despite there being lots of other couples there), he gets angry if I try to invite myself along. He often watches TV upstairs without me and I struggle to get him to actually do anything at home with me, or show me any form of interest.

 

I've expressed my concerns but he says it's me being over emotional being so far away from friends. He thinks I should move back home, and he will come back and join me in the next 6 months. I feel like I have no option but to leave, despite feeling like my heart is being slowly ripped from my body.

 

Should I go?

 

I will have to quit my job up here, which I finally feel settled in, and return to living with my parents. I feel like I don't have any friends left, and am worried I will be so alone.

 

And if I go, do I continue my relationship. Or should I break off when I leave?

 

I feel like moving away should have made us stronger, but that's not the case.

 

Any advice or if anyone has been through a similar thing, I would love to know.

 

Thank you

[abitbroken]

Two schools of thought here.

 

If you moved to be with him and he already has friends in the area, you need to cultivate your own interests and have your own friends. If you are completely dependent on him for all of your social life, entertainment, etc, you two have nothing new to talk about.

 

I think before you go, you try your best to attend a meetup group or such regularly without him - and you may find when that when you do that for awhile, he'll naturally invite you out with him because he has a chance to miss you, he doesn't feel you are smothering him.

 

Also, I am sure he wasn't the type to kiss and hug all the time BEFORE you moved, right?

 

If you move back home, I would not continue the relationship. You are not getting what you need out of it. The other option you have is to move out, but nearby to give him some space and go out on dates together and see where it goes.

 

I feel like I don't have any friends left, and am worried I will be so alone.

 

reareading i think that this is your main problem. you are lonely and making him your entire world. you have to learn the skill of making friends.

[greengemma]

I personally would find it very disrespectful if my partner wasn't enthusiastic about me attending social events with him. Is he generally the distant loner type?

[Butterfly1983]

@ Greengemma...I understand your sentiments but if we put a spin on this... is it possible that he doesn't want her to attend because she'll be glued to him instead of working the room and being able to "hold her own," without him? Just a thought.

 

Lonesoldier, I think you need to take a step back and look at this entire picture. Six months isn't a long time when you're getting to know someone. I think six months to a year is about the time when the facade starts to really break down and you're moving past the honeymoon, "you can do no wrong phase." Perhaps, he showed you that he wasn't the super emotional type before the move but you thought he would change...and now he's not and you're disappointed. I agree with that was previously stated, if you move home, consider ending the relationship.

 

If you decide to stay, make it your business to become independent. Look for meetup groups, get your career going, start saving money ( if you haven't done so) and setup yourself up nicely. Near or far, you NEVER want your relationship to be your everything where you have no friends, family or outside interests.

[greengemma]

@ Greengemma...I understand your sentiments but if we put a spin on this... is it possible that he doesn't want her to attend because she'll be glued to him instead of working the room and being able to "hold her own," without him? Just a thought.

 

Yeah that's conceivable, although personally a person like that isn't for me (can't speak for the OP). Reminds me of an ex partner I had who was extremely outgoing, and me the quiet type, sometimes he felt he had to babysit me at social events. That's fair enough, however I think it's polite to at least invite your partner.

 

The lack of affection is more worrying to me though.

 

I've been through similar, affection slowly disappearing, telling me off for asking for "quality time" together (even if it was just a once a month evening date, because I too love my alone time and time for personal projects), moving for him, leaving behind friends and family. It worked for a while but eventually fell to pieces as he was unable to give me the level of affection I needed.

 

I don't understand why he is saying you should move home and then he'll join you?

[Freelance]

Lonesoldier I too have moved for love but to another country and know exactly what your going through. My partner doesn't show emotion and I also feel the unconditional love is not reciprocated. I too have no family here and have yet to meet and establish friendships.

I feel like my husband spreads himself so thin with outside interests that he doesn't make the necessary quality time with me and that makes me resentful and left lonely.

Whether you go or stay is your decision. You said if you move back home it will be with your parents but you will have familiarity and therefore won't be lonely. In this new city is the new job enough motivation to stay in spite of the unfulfilled relationship?

This was supposed to be a new start for your lives but if things don't work out now, then I recommend you move on if you move home. Hope this helps.

[Lonesoldier]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

The friends I refer to are friends he has back home. He doesn't have any friends where we are living. I have one friend I have made up here, whom I go to dance classes with one night a week.

 

An example of the type of situation I mean is this weekend for one. We are both home and his friend (whom I have met on a handful of occasions, such as NYE) is having a leaving party. The other men are bringing their partners but he has said he doesn't want me to come. He wants to have a night with the boys without me. I've told him until I'm blue in the face how much it hurts me when everyone else takes their girlfriends but I have to stay at home. He says it's because he is so far from home, he misses them ad wants time without me there.

 

Is this normal? Am I being clingy?

[reinventmyself]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

The friends I refer to are friends he has back home. He doesn't have any friends where we are living. I have one friend I have made up here, whom I go to dance classes with one night a week.

 

An example of the type of situation I mean is this weekend for one. We are both home and his friend (whom I have met on a handful of occasions, such as NYE) is having a leaving party. The other men are bringing their partners but he has said he doesn't want me to come. He wants to have a night with the boys without me. I've told him until I'm blue in the face how much it hurts me when everyone else takes their girlfriends but I have to stay at home. He says it's because he is so far from home, he misses them ad wants time without me there.

 

Is this normal? Am I being clingy?

 

I agree with the two schools of thought but the fact that he has told you that you ought to move home tips the scales for me.

I would move home and see if he really does come back for you in 6 months.