Help! Alone and nowhere to go

[natepla9ue]

Warning: long thread

Forgive me. I truly need help, asap, and I don't have anyone else to talk to:

 

My partner and I have been together for a little over a year.

It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs and learning curves, since we'd been forced to live together almost immediately after commencing our relationship as a result of circumstance.

She's in the Australian Army, and we met while she was on deployment in my hometown. It was love at first sight. She was a f****** Angel.

However, the dream was to be short lived - as she was leaving again soon.

So I rolled the dice and took a gamble.

I packed my bags and I followed her.

I knew nobody else, I know nothing about the city I was moving to, but I took a chance.

And initially, we couldn't have been happier!

 

But. As they tend to do, the issues started to creep in. It was harder for me to find a job then I initially expected, as my past qualifications didn't translate to guaranteed work like I so foolishly thought they would.

It sucked out a lot of my motivation, and I started to wonder if I'd made my move too soon. That doubt snowballed, and compounded with other smaller problems - so eventually we decided to move houses, and rent somewhere else for a fresh start.

I should also mention that I have since found a very good job, and have even gotten a promotion (this is relevant to the story)

 

Being a civilian, it was a whole new world for me - having to learn, and learn to deal with the life of a soldier. First and foremost, everyone in the Army is a massive, tight-knit family. And that is so incredibly admirable.

But, once they've clocked off for the day, and the reputation takes over - there is this massive, underground ring of alcohol driven, party hungry, hormone fuelled debauchery.

I'm by no means the jealous type, and I know all too well that my partner could stick up for herself if needs be, but that's irrelevant.

The way women are talked about, even in joke, is appalling. So being a woman in the Army would be incredibly hard. But being the inexperienced boyfriend of a woman in the Army is harder.

 

Now, I am not a party animal. I haven't been for a long time. I like a drink, and nice meal, and some of the nicer things life has to offer. I don't just want to waste my weekends away in bed nursing a hangover.

My focus has shifted to competitive bodybuilding - one of the hardest, most draining and consuming lifestyles I've come across.

Obviously, prior to knowing me, my partner would very much live in the Amry/Party Scene. She loved to dance, rave, drink, smoke, dance some more and party until the sun came up. And that is absolutely fine!

However, though no request or implication of my own, she changed when we met, and adopted my brand of lifestyle. The difference between her lifestyles was like night and day. It made life easier for me, sure, but I was terrified of future resentment. Resentment, which, was waiting on the horizon...

 

So, In order to get her much deserved promotion, my partner was recently deployed on a 2 week field exercise (having already been shipped off to do her 8 week theory component earlier in the year) which meant she was going to be uncontactable via any means, unless it was an emergency, for the entire duration.

No problem.

I missed her terribly, but I knew she would be fine. She's one of the strongest people I've ever met.

However, she came home a day earlier than expected having completed her course quickly and with high commendation.

Great, right?!

No. Not great...

She was different.

She was hostile towards me.

She was distant.

She didn't want to spend time with me.

We fought.

And she asked me to leave.

No real reasoning other than 'I need to focus on me'. That's a legitimate reason, sure. But you don't drop that on someone you love out of the blue with no warning signs.

So I dug around, I needed answers.

But by chasing answers, I just got more questions...

She became incredibly protective of her phone. Which is only suspicious because she's not once ever displayed that kind of behaviour. She's been out partying again. She lies about where she is, and who she's with. I'm not an idiot - I know she's hiding something. I just don't know the magnitude or the reasoning? She has become very friendly with a couple of new guys from work, and without even knowing me - I know they have been offering her their brand of 'relationship advice' to obviously serve their own agenda.

She is slowly deleting me off her social media accounts. Every day the distance grows. The first day she was back she stopped smiling at me. The next day she stopped kissing me. The following day she stopped telling me she is in love with me. Then yesterday she asked if I could sleep in the spare room.

As each day goes by I am helpless to watch as the love of my life slowly falls through my fingers, and the world we've built together crumbles around me.

She says it's just exhaustion.

She's says it will all be okay.

She still says she wants to be in my life

She still says there's a future for us, and that everything will be fine.

She still tells me she loves me,

But she still says I have to leave...

Problem is, I have nowhere to go.

What do I do?

Do I leave, do I pack my bags, give up my job and undo everything I've got so far - and risk never seeing her again? What if she does, in fact, just need time and then I'm not there anymore?

Or do I somehow find a way to make it work in a city where I know nobody, and literally have nowhere to go, in hope that all this isn't just because she doesn't have the guts to tell me straight up that it's over.

[Wiseman2]

You need to ask her if you should stay and work it out or if you should head back home. It's a big decision so it needs some honest discussion.

Do I leave, do I pack my bags, give up my job and undo everything I've got so far - and risk never seeing her again? Or do I somehow find a way to make it work in a city where I know nobody, and literally have nowhere to go, in hope that all this isn't just because she doesn't have the guts to tell me straight up that it's over.

[ThatwasThen]

Start looking for an affordable place to live or to room with someone if the rent is as ridiculous as I've heard it is in your part of the world. Once you have found something, leave and then join some things that will get you introduced to and making new friends like an amateur sports team, volunteering, the gym, a spin class even... anything that will give you a life outside of this girl.

 

Don't wait around for her to "allow" you to have a happy and full life. Start having one without her because the way things are now, you've placed all of your personal power in her hands and she's not handling the responsibility well.

 

You have the guts to tell her it's over because clearly she's not into it like she once was and you take back your life for you to handle. She'll know how to contact you if she wants a re-do but don't waste your time waiting around with baited breath.

[catfeeder]

But you don't drop that on someone you love out of the blue with no warning signs.

 

She took you with her impulsively, so why would it be a surprise that she'd ditch you just as impulsively?

 

You never took the time to get to know this woman before declaring love and instantly living together.

 

I'd keep your good job and move out. Let her know how to reach you. I'd tell her, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together in the future if you ever decide that that's what you want." ...and then walk away while you still think highly of one another to preserve that potential. Trust that if you're really a 'meant to be' deal, she'll reflect at some point and you can date from separate residences and learn about one another over t.i.m.e.

 

Otherwise, she's doing you a favor by staying away since her true nature is not what you want.

 

Head high, and move yourself forward.