Has giving your partner space ever worked for you?

[cjg5605]

Last monday, my boyfriend and I decided that it would be a good idea to take a break for while and give each other space. We had been arguing way too much because we were spending too much time together and not enough time apart. He confronted me, asking for space. He said he needs time to himself to think and reevaluate and figure out what it is he wants to do. I agreed to give him space, and to use this space to work on myself as well. We decided that the first week we would go NC just to clear our heads, and then after that it was okay to talk to each other and hang out every so often.

 

Basically, what we both feel we need is to find the spark back in our relationship. We love each other very much, and we want to make it work, we just need to find that extra bit of motivation and really learn to appreciate and miss each other rather than spending every single moment together.

 

Next friday, we agreed to go out and have dinner. I decided that I'm not going to bring up the "break" at all, not mention it or talk about it. I think the best thing to do in this case is to just see where it goes and start off fresh. I think if I can show him that I can change and be different and not allow my insecurities to get the best of me, he will realize that it is definitely worth his time to give it another try. I know he is only scared to commit again because he does not want to continue the toxic cycle our relationship was in before the break (constant arguments, holding grudges, etc.) so I have to do my best to show him that I am making changes, and to know that he is making changes as well.

 

The best course of action for now, in my opinion, is to just start "dating" again. Going out every so often and spending time with each other without drama and without pressuring him with the questions "have you made up your mind yet?" or "when are we getting back together?". I think if I give him time, and just show him I am working on myself and trying to be the best version of myself that I can be, he will come back around and eventually we will get back into the swing of things.

 

The hardest thing about this for me is the uncertainty. We went from practically seeing each other every other day, and spending weekends together to not talking at all and having brief conversation since the break started. It's hard not to know what he's up to or how he's feeling all day.

 

We did set some boundaries for the break, and agreed that we are not going to seek out other relationships while we're on the break. We did not set any time limit for when the break will be over. With things like this, I realize the best thing to do is just let him come to the realization on his own without rushing or pressuring him to make a decision within a specific amount of time. Of course, I explained to him that I can't wait around forever, and he agreed that he won't let the break drag on any longer than it needs to, and if he feels that he's made a decision he will let me know. I'm hoping that it all works out for the best.. and although this past week has been really hard, I have hope that we can all work it out.

 

Have you ever tried taking a break to better yourself for the sake of saving your relationship? Did it work out for you? Any advice on how to deal with this situation moving forward?

[Hermes]

CJG:

 

Wrong

 

"We had been arguing way too much because we were spending too much time together and not enough time apart"

 

Spending "too much time" together is not a cause of arguments in itself.

 

"It's hard not to know what he's up to or how he's feeling all day.

"

 

Humans are not telepathic.

 

So unless you have a straight-up conversation with him, if needs be in the presence of an objective third party, I don't see how this dancing around each other will go anywhere positive.

[cjg5605]

We were fighting a lot from being around eachother too much. I started to get annoyed by every little thing he did and i noticed my temper becoming extremely short with him because i was taking for granted the fact that i got to spend so much time with him. I was wasting that time being y and mad rather than being appreciative. Being away from him these past few days has showed me how much i actually appreciate his presence.

 

And i definitely will reach out to him after this week, we just decided that we would maintain little to no contact for the first week of the break to have time to ourselves and think things through so we can figure out where our hearts are and what to do moving forward.

[Hermes]

CJ:

 

Once more with feeling. People do not "fight a lot" from being around each other too much.

 

The fights are due, perhaps, to your personality, for example. Or maybe because this is simply is not the person for you.

 

"What does agency mean? It means you’re not subject to the whim of the moment. It means you can choose in the midst of that very same moment.

 

Choose kindness. Choose humor. Most importantly, choose perspective.

 

It’s pretty easy to get caught up in the power of a single argument, but what if you took a few steps back to explore the anatomy of all your arguments. How do they start? How do they escalate? How do they go off the rails? How do they end?

 

If you could map them out, understand them, predict them, perhaps you could defuse them. Kindness helps. It can pave the way to repair and remind you that your relationship is bigger than your argument. Humor helps. It can break the tension of the moment and provide the opportunity to connect anew."

 

From:

 

 

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? Did it seem like a too much too soon situation? Since this dinner is already planned perhaps just go and see how it goes, but don't try to impress him with supposed changes.

 

Keep in mind that hanging around in an indefinite limbo will not help you heal nor work on yourself. It may be best to tell him at this dinner that you need to go no contact and not to contact you unless he wants to reconcile.

 

This gets you out of grovelling mode that you are trying to "change' for him. It also removes the possibility of just being used for hookups until he finds someone else.

He confronted me, asking for space.I know he is only scared to commit again because he does not want to continue the toxic cycle our relationship was in before the break. We did not set any time limit for when the break will be over.

[Hollyj]

Why not get counseling and address your problems, instead of ignoring them.

[Doc Blaze]

did he ever want to have a night alone and you got mad?

 

or like hang out with the guys alone and you became mad?

 

vise versa ?

 

 

my gf and i went through a rough patch. we spent every min together

besides work and it all went down hill. she asked for a break but i was

going to ask for one if she didnt. we couldnt even be in the same room for

aruging. pretty much the relationship got pretty stale.

 

we ended up working on it and we cut down texting and

we also didnt spent everyday with each other, started

hanging out with old friends again and we also

started coming up with idea to go to new places

during the weekend just to get out of the house and

to mix things up. obviously there was also hiccups

and other small issues.

[cjg5605]

Doc Blaze: were you guys able to work it out in the end?

[Doc Blaze]

Doc Blaze: were you guys able to work it out in the end?

 

we did get back together and yes we are still together right now. it didnt happen over night

 

a lot of people on this site dont believe in breaks, i will admit that the majority of the time the break up will happen shortly

after but i am not so quick to give up on a break situation unless words dont match the actions.

.

[MissCanuck]

How long have you been together and how old are you both?

 

You can go ahead and give him some breathing room and work on making positive changes for yourself. Don't reach out to him right now. Meet up again for the dinner you have planned and see where his mind and heart are at.

 

I would advise giving yourself a mental timeline, though. I have seen far too many couples drag breaks out because one is afraid to ask where things are going while the other is already gone. Ask yourself how long you're willing to remain apart. An important point is that relationship problems are generally not resolved by staying on prolonged breaks. After a cooling-off period, the couple needs to come together again to work on it as a unit. If one party isn't willing to do so, then the relationship is usually over shortly thereafter.

 

I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from, to an extent. I have an ex who was consistently in a bad mood and picking fights with me over petty things. He became irritated very easily and I eventually just grew tired of it. I tried to make him happy but there was always some problem or other. It does take two to tango, but I suppose I just wasn't willing to be his dancing partner anymore. My feelings of love and intimacy had been replaced by weariness and resentment.

 

Take this time to look into yourself and identify where your unhappiness and agitation was stemming from. Did you still have your own friends and interests? How did you react when he wanted to spend time doing his own thing?

[cjg5605]

MissCanuck:

 

We've been together for 15 months, he's 20 and i'm 19. We go to the same university, and are from the same hometown as well.

 

Thanks so much for your advice. I've been using this time to really find myself again, to explore things and go out and make new friends and try and live a life outside of my relationship. I was very attached to him, and i see now how unhealthy that can be. I'm glad i have friends and family i can talk to and hang out with to keep me occupied, that's what's been helping me.

 

I sat down and wrote a list of all the things i don't like about myself (the way i handle certain situations, letting petty things get the best of me, etc.) and have been coming up with ways to make tiny changes so that i can be happier and handle things more maturely. Not only will that benefit me and my life, it will also benefit my relationships as well. I reacted very understanding when he asked for a break, because i agreed it was what we needed. Of course i was freaking out on the inside but i showed him i was willing to be mature about it and allow him the time he asked for. I'm taking it day by day and trying to work through my issues so that everything in my life will fall into place the way it's supposed to.

[MissCanuck]

You're doing the right thing by stepping back and seeing where you could make improvements for your own life.

 

Can you give some examples of the types of things that you two argued over? And how often did you spend days or nights apart, doing your separate things?

You mentioned you'd let your insecurities get to you sometimes. What were these insecurities regarding?

 

Answering the above might help us get a better understanding of his current frame of mind.