7 Year Relationship Ended

[stevengreene24]

Hi,

 

I am 30 years old, male. Struggling, looking for advice about how to cope in the aftermath of a 7 year relationship ending. There are many variables to this ending. I have been feeling consistently depressed the past several months since it ended. I have been talking to a therapist but can't say if this has been useful or not. I recently found out she started dating again a couple weeks after the relationship ended. Also, I found out she cheated on me 3 years ago, which I had no idea of.

 

We met in college and were together all the time. Then, we were in a long distance relationship after for several years. This year in February, I moved to where she lives to be together in a place I did not initially see myself in. I felt like the compromise I made in moving, uprooting my life went unrecognized. As time went on, I was alone often as she went out and did things with her large group of friends or had plans to film (she shoots/edits for fun and pay sometimes). I appreciate that this is her passion but I feel she assumed that I was supposed to entirely fit into her life there. Also, I don't think she recognized that it's important for a couple to spend time together, plan things outside the apartment. She assumed I should always do things with her and her friends, which I don't mind (at times that's fun), but it didn't feel exclusive over time. Over time, I felt I was the only one making compromises. I felt this at times before I even moved down but maybe I brought this on myself. I feel and know I gave her unconditional support and love and am now realizing I did not receive this same kind of support back.

 

I did not have a job moving down there and this caused issues between us as well (though she never supported me financially whatsoever). Everyday since the relationship ended, I regret not finding a job there and keep going back and forth about, "If I had a job, maybe things would have worked." I know this is not helpful but I can't help it. I have experienced severe anxiety including regular panic attacks (at points) for the past several years. The panic attacks increased when I moved near the city where she lived. This strained things too because I'm sure she interpreted this that I was unhappy. But, it was something I needed to get through and was doing a lot better in the last month of living together. By that point, she had distanced herself from me. Another major issue we had was communication, I always tried to talk to her about things, ask things, tried to be there, etc. But I began to recognize she talked more to her friends on the phone than to me.

 

What I feel more insecure about now is I've had this health condition called Post Finasteride Syndrome (since 2011) which includes daily anxiety, sexual issues, dysfunction, insomnia and lack of deep sleep, inability to concentrate at times, among many other daily side effects. I have had no libido at all in the past few months and this is what's causing the depression more for me. I have been to many doctors about this condition, am in touch with several men who experience it as well, there's several studies being done on it (saw a doctor on the study and he had no answers), two documentaries, a website: (pfsfoundation.org) but there are no concrete answers for it now. I do everything I can with diet, exercise constantly, etc.

 

I am honestly wondering now if because of this condition, is my relationship life over with? And I do not know how to shake the underlying depression from my relationship ending besides to keep doing different things, seeing people, etc. But no matter what I'm doing I end up feeling a sharp pain and keep thinking "I'll never feel the same again as I did with her." That same warmth and safety. Nothing brings me the same enjoyment or fulfillment. Everything feels like a distraction and like I am just going through the motions in my life, but not really present.

 

The fact that we are in such different places emotionally about this relationship ending is more painful. I am hoping time and experiences will help me along but feel like I'll never get back that piece of my life, myself that feels gone forever. I gave so much, and maybe too much that I ultimately feel lost and don't have much confidence like I used to. I keep living with a sense of regret and guilt, every day it's there and I need to learn how to stop blaming myself for this.

 

If anyone has any insights or comments I appreciate you reading. Thank you for taking the time.

[H3ll0k1tty]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. A couple of years ago, I broke up with (now ex) boyfriend of 6 years. We had issues before as he cheated on me twice with the same woman I didn't like and then left me for another woman, but came back so we decided to work things out. But that made me realize that I didn't love him anymore and the feeling wasn't the same, and that I deserved so much better. So let me say this, OP: You deserve so much better and I mean it. You may feel like she was your everything but the reality is that she didn't feel the same way. If she did, she would have appreciated you more and thanked you for uprooting from your comfort zone to hers to make things work. Getting over a long-term relationship is no walk in the park. It took me a year to get over it, and just like your ex, they got into another relationship quickly after. Take things a day at a time. It will get better. And if you ever feel like you're having bad thoughts, try to talk to someone about it or distract yourself by doing something productive. Focus on yourself. Good luck and if you need anyone at all to talk to, I'm here.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, agree you lost yourself too much in this relationship and she sounds a bit selfish/oblivious. Did you move out/move back to your home town?

 

Good you are seeing doctors and trying to get help for this condition. Were you taking Propecia for hair loss?

 

Hopefully you have found work again and have friends and families nearby now. Take this opportunity to get back into your own interests and hobbies. Are you going no contact with her?

I felt this at times before I even moved down but maybe I brought this on myself. I feel and know I gave her unconditional support and love and am now realizing I did not receive this same kind of support back

[SooSad33]

You have been thru a lot mentally & emotionally.... it takes time to get back to good. Especially after a LTR break down.

 

I suggest you keep on with therapy. It took me almost a year to start feeling improvement over loss of someone I loved- who had cheated on me. I totally fell apart. Needed anti depressants etc.

Might I also suggest writing down your thoughts.. feelings. And try to get out more.. hang with friends/family? Go for walks.. get your rest and exrecise.

 

One thing I remember reading on here once, You were okay before her, you'll be okay after her.

 

All I say is time. This stuff is never easy