My long distance relationship is complicated

[Candace95]

I'm 21 and Ive been with my 32 year old bf for 8 months. It's been an off and on. I've did immature crap by breaking up with him and wanting him back after two days. I had broke up with him at that time because he accused me of saying something that i didn't say and money issues. But I wanted him back because i wanted us to work out these issues.So from there, he was telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship but still contact me everyday, calls me baby, and that he loves me. Recently after seeing him, I called him and asked are we back together since we were intimate when i seen him and our conversation became heated because i misunderstood his response which was simple but i got frustrated at that time. He yelled and hanged up on me because i wasn't understanding him clearly. But after thinking over his response, his answer was yes we are back together. I apologized for not listening to him clearly and he still talked about what i was doing wrong even though i apologized. Ive also noticed that he's been becoming friends with random females on Facebook from my city and his city in which i know he doesn't know all of them. I've never seen him become friends with a lot of females at once in which i can see this in my news feed. One thing is i know ive made mistakes that i admitted to him, but for him to say i been selfish through out the whole relationship is so wrong. I mention to him how i paid for food and gas when he didn't have any money and how i tried to uplift him over the phone when he was having suicidal thoughts with his depression. Yet he still says ive been selfish throughout our whole relationship. He's a laid back guy and when i have a concern with questions to ask him he says " im always on bull and im lieing" and it's things he bring up from the past that was true and false about me to try to get a rise out of me. I love this man and he loves me but it's really complicated. He also has ADHD and anger problems. Any advice?

[Rising100]

Sounds like my relationship, problems are gonna happen but what u mentioned about facebook is what caught my eye.

If u are both willing go commit then its good.

I have to admit breaking up and getting back together might be immature but it feels like both people cant live without each other. I feel the problem here is communication.

Is he fully honest with you? How well fo u trust each other?

[Candace95]

sometimes I feel like we can't live without each other because in the past we argued and he stated don't ever contact him again then he contacted me afterwards. He's a horrible liar for one. Two I don't always think hes lieing to me...it seems though the lieing kicks in from him when he's knows he's at the wrong after i proved myself. Like he looks at the bad more than the good in me. Like he sees the good in me when i talk about my job and how i handle myself in a mature way with my family and my financial. I see that he's immature on so many levels but this relationship is a take it or leave. He doesn't care if i trust him or not yet he wants me to trust him. I do, but i know a lie when i hear it.

[H3ll0k1tty]

I've been in the same boat, or am. I have broken up with my boyfriend a couple of times but I was acting on my feelings and didn't think. He was busy all the time and it felt like he had no time for us. And honestly it hasn't been about "us" in the longest time. I feel like you 2 should sit and talk, and I mean REALLY talk. Bring up problems or feelings that you may feel. Apologize for anything you may have said that hurt his. And if neither one can see how the other person is hurt, then the relationship won't work, in my opinion. All you need to do is communicate because it seems like you 2 aren't on the same page. Talk it out, if not for the sake of the relationship but also for yourself.

[Candace95]

Ive tried that couple times. Im the type of person that express my feelings to him but as soon as i get my feelings out there to him...he then starts off saying but you you you. Like he doesn't care about what i have to say. He wants the last word out. And he says im a liar, i always so called twists up his words. It's a circle that im trying to change so he can understand me.

[IAmFCA]

Feeling like we can't live without each other

Breaking up, being drawn back together and then behaving as if we wish we weren't

That sounds a lot like addiction.

 

Break the circle by breaking the addiction. It will feel as difficult as withdrawal, because you are depriving your brain of the chemicals that result from all this heightened stimulation. Create other stimulation through exercise and learning something new.

[Candace95]

Very true.Right now im giving myself space from him. Im drained to the point im losing sleep over this man who probably sleeps good at night.

[H3ll0k1tty]

If he doesn't get it, then it's not worth it.

[melancholy123]

I think you are wasting your time with this guy, he doesnt sound like a good catch to me.

[Rising100]

Ive tried that couple times. Im the type of person that express my feelings to him but as soon as i get my feelings out there to him...he then starts off saying but you you you. Like he doesn't care about what i have to say. He wants the last word out. And he says im a liar, i always so called twists up his words. It's a circle that im trying to change so he can understand me.

 

Then get him to talk about his feelings first. Get him to open up.

He needs to stop judging but he also doesnt understand where u are coming from.

If he cant open up without judging then yea, problem.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Fortunately it is early on, he lives far away and you can get out now without too much more damage. Google "Signs of controlling relationships" and "Red flags for abusive relationships".

 

He doesn't have an "anger problem" because he can turn anger on/off like a switch when he wants to. He does it to control and intimidate you and put you in your place. He won't give you a straight answer because he just wants to use you for sex when he rolls into town.

 

Cut him off completely and go no contact and block him. How did you meet this guy? He's a total loser, sorry.

 

Date decent local guys in your age range so you can find a healthy relationship.

I'm 21 and Ive been with my 32 year old bf for 8 months. He yelled and hanged up on me because i wasn't understanding him clearly. He has anger problems.

[IAmFCA]

Very true.Right now im giving myself space from him. Im drained to the point im losing sleep over this man who probably sleeps good at night.

 

Exactly.

 

People will post, have posted, about how much of a jerk he is. Maybe he is, maybe he isnt. What's clear is, he is toxic for you. That is the only judgment you need to make.

 

Then, as you are but even more so, do what you would do anytime you identify something that is bad for you.

 

Move away from it.

 

Pretty logical, right? Yet difficult for some reason. That's the part that tells you there is a part of you that accepted this, because some part of you find a it logical.

 

So, step 1, move away from what is toxic for you.

 

Step 2, evaluate why you let yourself be treated this way. But that's later.

 

Move towards happiness.

[Candace95]

I appreciate the advice from you all. I even told him that he was controlling me by yelling and telling me to shut up. Then he turns it around by stating im doing the same.

[Candace95]

Then the fact that i paid this dude phone bill he hangs up on me during that argument. I'm not doing that crap no more.

[IAmFCA]

Then the fact that i paid this dude phone bill he hangs up on me during that argument. I'm not doing that crap no more.

 

You'll never get the satisfaction of him agreeing. He'll never say, oh that was nice of you, or I am sorry, I didn't realize what a jerk I was. You'll never get him to say, I think we are incompatible. He's a scared, insecure man who is so worried about being left alone that he will manipulate you into staying around by telling you your reasons are wrong, by trying to make you feel bad about yourself. If he can tell you you're the one who is messed up, then maybe you'll be too afraid to leave him.

 

You will have to accept that these arguments with him are a way of keeping the attachment going. Stop arguing. You may think he'll think he's won. But he'll know he's lost control of you.

[Candace95]

Definitely agree! Crazy because every argument he'll say it's my fault. I'm going to stop explaining myself to this man. I'm too tired to be giving him lecture after lecture.

[Candace95]

I feel he is pushing me away. If he lied about something ill say to him that he lied. His response is " if you think I'm a liar then why are you talking to me" but when he called me a liar on false information I'll say the same thing and he would go on by stating "well you lied". I know people will see my situation as a two sided story but this man accused me of things that i didn't do. I always admitted to my wrong doings.

[IAmFCA]

So long as you engage it will be thus. You will not have his affirmation. It will not be equal until you withdraw, because as he says, if his lying is so distasteful why are you still talking with him. He means what he says.

 

You can not have a caring relationship with someone who uses your affection against you.

 

There is no winning this battle so long as you are engaged in it. And you will be forever entangled until you accept that you have been wanting his validation, that he will not give it, and that - in fact - you do not need it, never did, and will be better off without it.

 

Disengage. Completely.