Proceeding as just friends after rejection.

[Lovelorn2016]

For the past almost 3 years, I have been working a part time job, nights/weekends, and one of the managers I've quietly had a crush on for sometime, but kinda kept it blocked just telling myself "she'd never go for someone like me". We work together one or two times a week, and we've always gotten along really well, and joke around and have fun while working. So, about two months ago she started messaging at me at night regularly. And then after a couple weeks she finally came out and said that she had a teeny tiny girl crush on me. At first I didn't know how to respond I had to take a couple days to process and figure out what I felt and wanted. I finally realize that that I want to go for it and that she is really a great person better than I had really thought originally before learning things about her. After that, one time, I went over and helped her mom with a car issue, and another time she invited me along to a small concert with other friends and family. So about two weeks later after kinda trying to hint around about it and try to steer a conversation towards it, I finally just came out and said yeah I do have a crush on you as well. So we started talking more often and having deep conversations at night telling each other about our lives and our past and everything seemed to be going well, I was feeling great and feeling very hopeful about this! It seemed like we both wanted the same thing.

 

Then, about 3 weeks ago one of her crazy exes started pestering and harassing her again. This was when I noticed a change. The late-night talks started to taper off, and she didn't seem as talkative as before. A couple days later, a Friday night, we just met up one night after work at the gas station, and just sat and talked for a while. The next day Saturday, she invited me along, and I spent the day with her, and some of her family and friends where we played in a knockerball tournament, played bingo, had supper, went to a concert, then went out to a bar and went dancing and that. That day she didn't seem too interested in having me around, but kept inviting me along. Then toward the end of the night her brother in law comes up to me and says to me "dude, she's not into you." That stung me a bit, and I kinda just left when we all got back to her house. So, after that night, we worked together the next three days. The first day was okay. That night I wanted to talk to her about what her brother in law said, but she fell asleep early and didn't get my message till the next morning, when getting up to get ready for work... I got maybe an hour of sleep that night, and didn't feel very well working and wasn't very good company that day. So the next day working together, it was better. That night, since we wouldn't be working together again for almost a week, I asked if we could talk about what her brother in law said and if she was still interested. She said she is still in love with and trying to get over another ex, not the crazy harassing one, but the one who is the father of her son, but it seemed like he also treated her and her son pretty poorly. She said she would like to be just friends with me and hang out. I had to take about a day to process everything said, and I finally responded and told her that I'd like to be a part of her life even if it is just as friends. We continued to talk and snapchat, not anything deep or consistent, but we've kept in contact everyday. We last worked together Monday, and it was a great night, we talked and joked and had fun like always, I left feeling good! We keep talking and snap chatting, but sometimes she doesn't seem interested in talking, sometimes I won't get a response. One night we have a great talk, sharing funny photos, videos. Then the next night she didn't seem interested in talking. I almost feel like I'm being a pest..

 

So this is where I'm lost at. Is she just confused and needs time to figure things out, or has she really lost the mutual interest we had not very long ago? Should I keep trying to initiate conversations by saying things like good morning, or have a good day at work, or have a good night, or asking how the day at work is going, or how the day at work was, or just randomly sending a funny photo or video? Or, is it best I just leave her alone if she doesn't reply to a message, photo or snap, and just wait for her to write again? I mean, I just don't want to cross the line and seem like an annoying pest. I do want to be friends, and I'd like her to know that, even if that's all it will ever be, but really inside I do still have feelings, and I guess I'm just lost how to proceed.. How do I just let her know I'm a friend and I do care. How often is it okay to message or snapchat? I guess I'm just afraid if I taper off too, all of the messages and that will stop altogether.

[Wiseman2]

Lay back a bit and let her come to you.

[gebaird]

Sometimes people say "let's be friends" and actually mean it. Other times it's a way to avoid hurting you, but they don't want an actual friendship. She's either got too many problems of her own to invest much time in the friendship, or she was just trying to let you down easy. I'd put the ball squarely in her court, and if she isn't initiating conversations that's your cue to make an exit. Monologue is so much less rewarding than dialogue. I've found myself in this space a time or two and know how hard it can be to let go.

 

Sorry, love. Don't let this rejection define you. Keep looking for the real thing.

[moodindigo91]

I think in this case, it's best to leave her alone. Put the ball in her court. If she explicitly told you she's still not over her ex, that's not a relationship you want to try to be in anyway. If you keep initiating conversations, she'll keep responding. She likes the attention after all, but it will only lead you on.

[j.man]

Yeah, so lemme ask you. How many guy friends of yours are you putting this much effort and attention into?

 

Be honest with yourself. This ain't "continuing as friends." Consider just letting it go.

[ParisPaulette]

I would distance myself fast. This almost sounds like she pulled you into her drama to act as a buffer against the emotional issues she has going on with other guys. The fact is she was flattered by your attention, she enjoyed the ego boosts it gave her to have you around, but now that she seems to have established you'll do things for her she's taking it to the next level of managing down your expectations.

 

Bluntly put, even if she didn't do it on purpose in a way she's kind of been using you. And I say that, because her initial actions were those of someone who wanted something more. Too many times I see people read more into another's actions, but here yeah that was actually a really crappy thing for her to do. If she's still in love with one ex, embroiled with another, she is not in any sort of emotional or sane headspace to even be implying she might want something with someone else. And pulling a coworker into that is doubly not acceptable.

 

Please just back away and as much as I hate the term, do not let yourself be her friendzone of comfort where she gets to complain about these other guys while you make her feel good about herself. Gah, she is kind of being the epitomy of what some guys complain about, but yeah in this case I'm a woman and I just winced when I read your post and said to myself, "Okay, why did she pull this stunt?"

 

Bottom line, she's not emotionally healthy or sane enough or free enough of past entanglements to be anyone you could have a sane good toxic free relationship with. And you should just refuse to be part of the drama, politely excuse yourself, tell her "Look, you need to go work these things out and I'm not interested in being pulled into all of that," and just go back to being colleagues. No, don't agree to be friends. These are the sort of friends that tend get one in trouble in the first place, because their need for drama and having to pull other people into it makes them just a terrible sort to be around in the first place.

 

You need to stop any and all contact that isn't work related. She's backing away, you back away faster and let this all die away. She is not in any shape to have anything with anyone and it sounds like maybe she's realized that. Let it go.

[Matt3939]

If you want a relationship let this go. Why bother? If I'm looking for a partner if the person doesn't seem into me I'm not bothering. It's just not worth it. You can put the ball in her court. She might come back to you. I'd treat her like a friend cause you work with this person. Just be nice. Good luck

[Lovelorn2016]

Thanks everyone. Soooo, yeah I haven't initiated any new conversations. Last time I made contact was a reply to a snap chat she'd sent yesterday afternoon. Earlier in the day I also replied to a work related message.

[Lovelorn2016]

Thanks everyone. Soooo, yeah I haven't initiated any new conversations. Last time I made contact was a reply to a snap chat she'd sent yesterday afternoon. Earlier in the day I also replied to a work related message.

 

When I got out of work tonight, I had 5 snapchats from her. So I replied, and she replied and i replied again. Then I had to tell her something work related, and afterwards I just said enjoy the rest of your evening, and she replied you too, then I said I'll give it a shot. End of conversation.

[Capricorn3]

Sometimes people say "let's be friends" and actually mean it. Other times it's a way to avoid hurting you, but they don't want an actual friendship. She's either got too many problems of her own to invest much time in the friendship, or she was just trying to let you down easy. I'd put the ball squarely in her court, and if she isn't initiating conversations that's your cue to make an exit. Monologue is so much less rewarding than dialogue. I've found myself in this space a time or two and know how hard it can be to let go.

 

Sorry, love. Don't let this rejection define you. Keep looking for the real thing.

 

I totally agree. She was letting you down easy. I don't think she's after friendship. I think it's time to move on.

[Lovelorn2016]

So, I'm still having trouble letting go.. I told myself today that i wasnt going to write, but tonight I gave in and sent a funny video as an icebreaker, and we ended up having a fun conversation tonight....

[boltnrun]

So, I'm still having trouble letting go.. I told myself today that i wasnt going to write, but tonight I gave in and sent a funny video as an icebreaker, and we ended up having a fun conversation tonight....

 

So, since you two are friends, you'd be happy for her if she worked things out with her ex who she's in love with...right?