Husband is driving me NUTS

[itsokaythere11]

Hi all,

 

I am deep into being married, six years with a 2 year child. It is starting to actually feel like I've been married for six years with a child too - - -LOL. I am just tired of my husband, and I know he is tired of me. I think it's just our child keeping us together at this point.... I don't really know what to do anymore about it.... I run a small, sucessful business from home and watch my daughter all day long. He comes home. Demands dinner. Starts drinking. Then every night he demands I rub his back until he falls asleep.....but he rarely rubs my back.....

 

I can't stand this guy anymore. Last night he came home and he just kept insulting me until I went to bed. For instance: "Our daughter sure apologizes a lot, why do you think THAT is?" or "I am sure you tell your parents what a huge I am." Just normal insults sent my way. Other insults that usually come up include that I don't clean enough, I don't feed my child enough, and that I am irresponsible. Given, this is a guy who can't even pay his own bills online by himself (I handle all of those transactions). I've started texting him everything our daughter eats throughout the day because one night he woke up at 2AM telling me he was worried about her nourishment. Given, I feed her allllllll dayyyyyy lonngggg. I am ALWAYS cooking or cutting up fruits/veggies or handing her a bag of snacks, all ORGANIC too mind you, out of my money, so that just gives you an idea of what sort of parent I am.... I just don't respond to the insults anymore, he's such a piece of #$%&

 

"Why stay with him then?" one may ask. Well, this is where I am hoping the the people deep into marriage will respond, the truly committed who have worked through the dark untalked corners of what marriage sometimes really is. I am staying for the emotional & financial security of my child. Point blank, I am not moving from my house, I am not going to put my child in financially unstable environment and give half custody to her father. I don't want to deal with courts. He's a very vindictive person, and I assume if we were apart, he'd try to do everything to ruin my life. My in-laws scare me to death. I got in a fight with my husband at three months pregnant and he told me "I am going to sue you for the custody of our unborn child." I hope that gives all of you an idea as to what a jerk he is.

 

There was a point when I loved him, but I really haven't felt that with him for years.... he's just a thorn in my ass now. Feeeddd meeee. Rubbb meeee. Listteenn to myyy woeeessssss. It's just old. He's old. He annoys me. I don't like him as a person.

 

Anyway, I am going to stay with him. At least right now. He refused to sign a prenup. I was able to buy a house free and clear, and he has his name on the house. Who knows what sort of plan he would have if we got a divorce. Our only asset is this house (which is technically my asset, whatever, i don't care what the laws say, it feels like my home, even if leagally its not just mine), we don't have much beyond that. His parents are loaded with cash, who knows how much money they would put into a divorce/house battle/custody battle. I don't even trust him with most things.

 

I am also at home all the time with our daughter. I rarely go out. He just treats me like a nanny/maid/accountant/concubine. Over it. I just focus on my daughter. But I am extremely unhappy in this marriage. I know, i know, some of you will just reply "you're screwed, your marriage is over". But you know what, a lot of people just QUIT on a lifetime commitment, and I am not just going to walk away from this amazing life I have built just because I am pissed off at my husband during this phase of my life, especially if it means risking full custody of my child. It's just not going to happen. My life is pretty great minus his antics.

[journeynow]

Sounds like you detest him, but are committed to lifetime of " this amazing life". So if you are committed, stop looking at ways he annoys you, and look at what appealed to you enough to marry him, and look at ways you two can connect in a positive way In The Moment. It's on you to stop being so contemptuous, and find ways to appreciate him and be kind to him. You can only change yourself in this situation. He might change down the road in response, but you aren't making yourself any happier in the meantime if you continue the approach you have. Focus less on what you dislike and magnify what you liked/like/will like, no matter how tiny it seems to be now.

[j.man]

A lot of this just sounds like a subjective rant I could definitely see there being two sides to. Granted, we're all entitled to one on occasion, but what have you done in pragmatic terms to remedy this? Have you two ever seen a marriage counselor?

[lostandhurt]

You need to do a few things:

 

First stop talking in absolutes. Everything is on the table so stop discounting things because you think this or that.

 

Next make an appointment with a marriage counselor when you know he can attend and then let him know 2 days before the appointment. If he refuses to go have a babysitter arranged and go by yourself. It will help trust me.

 

You are making a lot of assumptions on how a divorce would impact your life and your child's life. You need legal advice so you can have a factual basis to make a good choice. First off he is her father and can get 50/50 legal custody and 50/50 physical custody. The house would either need to be sold and split the profits or you would need to get a new loan and pay him for half the equity.

 

No one is forcing you to rub his back are they? No one is forcing you to tolerate his drinking? His verbal abuse? Raising a child in that environment is way worse than having divorced parents and sharing custody.

 

Things change when we take steps to change them not just complaining about them. Make the appointments to see a marriage counselor and an attorney so you can begin to decide your real options.

 

Lost

[ThatwasThen]

Why did you have a child with this man? You sound like my ex sister-in-law that told me she never loved my brother and I asked her the same question. They had two together in what she described as her hell and ended up leaving him when they were 3 and 6. So: Are you going to be the codependent little thing that she was and end up leaving anyway and in the meantime those two little ones had to listen to them abuse one another verbally to the point that the oldest one, (now 34) is still single because he can't find a woman who will take his crap?... The very crap he learned from his parents?

 

When you are in a union where there is no love being shown to counter balance the occasional argument that is eventually resolved then you bring up children that end up having their own relationship problems.

 

If you love your child and you have no intentions of leaving then may I suggest that you get your own personal therapy so that you learn to drop the resentment, so that you learn to show your husband love in front of your child and so that if you can't actually love your husband, then you learn to fake it while maintain good solid personal boundaries that you will not let him cross as you remain in your own martyrdom.

 

Good luck.

 

I'd start with telling him that if he rubs your back for one half hour first, then you will rub his after that.

[Gary Snyder]

It's tough when you have a young child, I sympathize. Do you guys ever get a babysitter and go out on dates? You should do that every week you know.

 

The short list:

 

1) try talking to him. He sounds like a control freak. It's no wonder you don't like him anymore, he sounds like a control freak. What does he do for a living?

 

2) If talking does not work, counseling is the next step. There are a lot of issues.

 

3) If above won't work and he won't go to counseling, cut out the backrubs and sex. When he asks, "What's wrong?" then he will be ready to really listen to your needs and stop disrespecting you. Sometimes it works best when it's their own idea to change.

 

It's about R. E. S. P. E. C. T. Do you catch my Tokyo drift?!

[Wiseman2]

Sadly you sound very unhappy with your life as a stay at home mom. Why don't you go to counseling alone to start sorting that out since all you can change is you since are are not willing, ready or able to do anything else about it. Not sure how your contempt and living with an alcoholic is an "emotionally secure environment" for your child?

I am staying for the emotional & financial security of my child. I am not moving from my house, I am not going to put my child in financially unstable environment and give half custody to her father. I don't want to deal with courts. I am going to stay with him.

[superfan]

Wow. Since you are determined not to leave this emotionally abusive man who drinks, insults you and does zero to help raise your child, then there is not much else that anybody can say.

 

So yeah my "advice" would be you're going to have to suck it up and endure the abuse for the rest of your life (and yes, this is abuse). Except that you aren't the only one in this household - your child is going to have to endure it too.

 

You think a divorce is going to damage your child? Imagine how damaging it will be for your child to grow up watching the abusive way your husband treats you. Children learn what to accept in a relationship primarily based on the way their parents relate to one another. All you are teaching your child here is that it is acceptable to be abused and to stay with a man who has a drinking problem and insults you all the time. Is that the kind of relationship you want for your child???

 

This is the kind of man your daughter is looking up to. This is her role model. That is FAR more damaging than you leaving him and teaching her to stand up for herself.

 

I don't feel sorry for you. You have made your bed and you are determined to lie in it. I do feel sorry for your little girl who will not get a chance to see what a normal, healthy, functional marriage looks like.

[tattoobunnie]

Marriage and commitment requires trust, honesty, accountability, and two people putting in the work for eachother.

 

Just because you exchanged vows and have the piece of paper, how is this a marriage with respect and dignity?

 

If you want to expose your child to a lifetime of a deadbeat alcoholic, stay, and grin and bear it long enough to raise a daughter that needs a therapist for her adult life on top of dating a deadbeat herself.

 

If I were you, I'd get a lock for your bedroom door. Or tell him if the booze stays, he needs to go with it. You give him no repercussions, and good God, why are you rubbing his back. Say no until he passes out drunk.

[Gary Snyder]

Marriage and commitment requires trust, honesty, accountability, and two people putting in the work for eachother.

 

Just because you exchanged vows and have the piece of paper, how is this a marriage with respect and dignity?

 

If you want to expose your child to a lifetime of a deadbeat alcoholic, stay, and grin and bear it long enough to raise a daughter that needs a therapist for her adult life on top of dating a deadbeat herself.

 

If I were you, I'd get a lock for your bedroom door. Or tell him if the booze stays, he needs to go with it. You give him no repercussions, and good God, why are you rubbing his back. Say no until he passes out drunk.

 

- must have missed the part where he's an alcoholic and unemployed.

[tattoobunnie]

- must have missed the part where he's an alcoholic and unemployed.

 

He comes home. Demands dinner. Starts drinking...Given, this is a guy who can't even pay his own bills online by himself (I handle all of those transactions)... I am ALWAYS cooking or cutting up fruits/veggies or handing her a bag of snacks, all ORGANIC too mind you, out of my money

 

Deadbeats doesn't mean jobless. It's someone who doesn't contribute. I'm not sure how much time he is given the 2 year old considering he drinks every night, and goes out without her.

 

OP, dude, seriously. Just take pictures of him drinking each night, and time stamp them. No judge will give him full custody, and you'll probably get the house. At least go for a consultation.

 

I'm not sure how you think this is a marriage for keeps. He's a los*r.

[journeynow]

- must have missed the part where he's an alcoholic and unemployed.

 

I missed that too. My eyes may have glossed over midway through, but I caught the gist of it, she's unhappy and committed to it.

[superfan]

- must have missed the part where he's an alcoholic and unemployed.

 

The guy drinks every night, gets belligerent and insults her. Alcoholic.

[Seraphim]

Well, 22 years married here. Have an almost 19 year old. I watched my parents tear each other to pieces. I watched so much mental and emotional abuse between them it was unreal . My parents did divorce and kept getting back together and it was the worst thing they could have ever done . I swore to myself I would never do that to my child.

 

Personally, I would get out of dodge. Worst thing EVER, is to stay together for the kids to teach them abuse is what marriage is.

[leor16]

Hi Itsokaythere11,

 

You have a lot going on and I can empathise with you. It appears that you are in a codependent relationship and have tolerated a lot with your tolerance level increasing with each episode of abuse that you endure. I can understand your reluctance to leave and your stubbornness on latching onto the life that you have created which although is painful, is not as painful that you are being forced to consider leaving. It is true that your child will be emotionally/psychologically damaged through the daily experiences of witnessing you being verbally abused, emotionally ignored, ill treated by your husband and by himself/herself being emotionally neglected and ignored by his/her father. Your husband appears to display narcissistic behavior and it is no wonder he is admirable but not respectable by you.

 

You have to remember that you are a strong independent woman who has managed to have a successful business while raising a child and keeping it all together. This is an impressive feat. I don't know your background but it there was any issues with your parents, when you look back, perhaps you will discover that maybe you are attaching too much significance in your marriage for its lack of success and want to keep it all together for a reason. Inspect your situation over time, keep a journal, keep a log of your feelings and a view of what you think you'll be doing in the next 5-10 years if this situation continues with your husband if you choose not to leave. Your child will be 7 and then 12(almost teenager). You, I'm guessing will be in your 30's or 40's with at least 40 more years to go with this man. Once your child leaves for college, you will have to spend that time with this man. It becomes increasingly difficult to leave after you have accepted that this is going to be your fate.

 

Remember that this is your life. You have the power to control your situation and make powerful decisions. Yes, with great power does come great responsibility. And that is the beauty of it. You are already a strong person and have much stubbornness/persistence/resilience in you. You want to do what's best for your child and yourself. There are 2 scenarios:

 

1. Do Nothing-

Stay with him, endure abuse, have no support other than financial, get isolated from friends and society(as you stated, you don't get to get out much) and this part can get changed once your child is older but nonetheless, you'll come home to a hostile environment and live in a continuous stressful environment which is not good for your mental or physical health. As an Registered nurse and a survivor of abuse and a recovering codependent, let me tell you, you will have many difficulties and not be able to accomplish all that you want in life. As happiness is the goal in our lives, you are compromising this goal daily by allowing yourself to endure this pain. Do not let this take over your life.

 

2. You seek out help(personal counseling, couples counseling), research what could be done in terms of separating,child custody, asset management, law suits. His parents may be wealthy, he may be wealthy, you may be well off, but it is money and it is in the eyes of the court to judge who is the healthier and successful parent and what is fair. Your husband is an abusive alcoholic man who would not make a good parent in the eyes of the law. If you can document what happens, keep a record, log it and share your experiences, have people vouch for you, express that you fear for your safety(domestic abuse), you should have plenty evidence to support your case and have majority of child custody.

 

Your child will have a healthier life as will you. You will have peace of mind which amounts to happiness. Your husband is not worth your time and energy. Another man who respects you, loves you and wants to be a part of your life needs to be your partner. You are in an abusive relationship and it will not get better unless you talk to your husband, seek counseling, attempt to make it better and then if it doesn't work out, then you need to get yourself and your child out of this situation.

 

You do not want to be essentially a single parent, an unloved and uncared for spouse and alone when you are old. Your child may as well leave you when they get older and move and might have issues with you as they witness your inability to take care of him/her. As such, the child could grow up bitter and not want to assist you. This will cause a lot of pain and there is no reason you should allow this pain to take over your life.

 

Remember, you have the choice to make the changes. It will not come from your husband and it won't come from outside sources. Only you can decide what is best for you. You only live once and you are still young and full of energy to make changes that can lead to a lifetime of happiness, fun and exploration.

 

Best of luck!

 

Love,

 

S

[BlarneyStone]

Well, 22 years married here. Have an almost 19 year old. I watched my parents tear each other to pieces. I watched so much mental and emotional abuse between them it was unreal . My parents did divorce and kept getting back together and it was the worst thing they could have ever done . I swore to myself I would never do that to my child.

 

Personally, I would get out of dodge. Worst thing EVER, is to stay together for the kids to teach them abuse is what marriage is.

 

Came to say this. Kids need to see their parents happy.

[gebaird]

I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for with this post. You presented the problem and then proceeded to state why every possible solution won't work. So why are you posting at all? To let us all know how determined you are to remain miserable? Do you want us to congratulate you for your intestinal fortitude?

 

When it comes to relationships in crisis, I take a very simple approach: fix it or end it. For me, there's no middle ground. Fixing it may take years, and that can be okay as long as something is being done -- as long as the problems are being dealt with.

 

When my wife and I started basically living separate lives a few years ago, treating each other more like roommates than lovers, I realized the mediocre misery we found ourselves in wasn't going to work for me. We have three kids together, and I didn't want to tear our family apart. But trying to keep it all together was tearing ME apart. Living without love is not a choice I will ever make.

 

Being stuck is not the natural state of an emotionally healthy human. When our baggage and issues are behind us, we work hard to change our circumstances and if that does not yield the desired results then we work hard to change ourselves. We look for solutions instead of focusing on obstacles, we honor ourselves and others, we listen to our intuition and act on it, we live in the present moment and we never give up on ourselves. We rise strong when we fall, we are authentic and vulnerable, we learn to appreciate the lessons pain and suffering can teach us, and we approach life with curiosity and wonder. This is not just trite advice about positive thinking that only works for people with first-world problems. I have a friend with stage IV cancer who has chosen to not allow her disease to take center stage in her life. She knows what she's facing (and has been facing for the past 4 years), and she's one of the happiest people I know. She's prepared to die, but in the meantime she's going to live!

 

You can be miserable if you want. No one is going to stop you. I'm just not sure that you realize you have a choice in the matter. If you want to change your life, start by changing your thinking.

[journeynow]

The guy drinks every night, gets belligerent and insults her. Alcoholic.

 

" Then every night he demands I rub his back until he falls asleep"… the "every night" referred to backrubs. And he's coming home, so it sounds like he has a job. When people use words like "every", "always", "everything" and describes the other person as all horrible and no good but they married anyway and are staying together, I take the descriptives with a grain of salt.

[youareworthy]

itsokaythere11,

 

Before I share what I have learned about divorce that may apply to your situation, I suggest you begin individual therapy and ask your husband to go with you to marriage counseling. Bear in mind, though, that if he is emotionally or verbally abusing you (which it rather sounds like), marriage therapy is the wrong paradigm, as it is based on the notion of two essentially healthy people who really want to make an equality-based marriage work. Abusive relationships are based on one partner's need for power over the other, and marriage therapy can't fix that.

 

If a person is such a so-and-so in a marriage that you KNOW getting out would escalate things, then please DON'T spend your life with that person!!! He's cruel enough to make a messy divorce? Then your whole life will be bad if you stay. Do you really want that?

 

I was married to someone like your husband. I was afraid to leave because I knew his character, and I knew he would make the divorce process a living hell. In fact, he did. He had the rich father and codependent mother to bail him out financially when he launched yet another legal proceeding. It was very challenging, but I am here on the other side of this to say that all that hell was totally worth being unhitched from my abusive husband. Totally. My kids and I have had a life that is 1000 times happier than it ever was when we were married. But I couldn't see that when I was still in the marriage, terrified to get out, terrified of losing time with my kids and of having them be with him and his abuse. I couldn't see all the huge benefits the kids and I would gain from our being divorced.

 

The marriage model that was so incredibly dysfunctional was now gone. The children, who are now 17-23, have grown up knowing how to pick lovely people to date. They have learned so much about healthy relationships through my instruction, and more importantly, my example of insisting on leaving an unhealthy one. It is a lie that the divorce will produce a "broken home" that will harm the kids, and staying married will prevent that. Your home is already VERY broken, believe me! I don't think divorce is the better choice in every situation, by any means, but I do think it is in your situation.

 

The financial aspect of single parenting has been challenging, no lie. But you have much more drive than I do, and you already have a successful business, so you will be able to provide for your daughter and yourself. You have proven you are entirely capable. Do not let the fear of financial distress keep you stuck in a miserable marriage.

 

I was very struck by a peculiar parallel in our marriages--you rub your husband's back every night until he falls asleep. I used to lightly scratch my husband's back every night until he fell asleep. In our entire 14 years of marriage, I can count on 1 hand the number of times he rubbed or scratched my back, even during my four pregnancies when I really needed such a thing on a regular basis. Stop rubbing his back if he is not reciprocating. He is being selfish. Even if you try to talk to him about how unfair it is, if you continue to rub his back anyway, he will never change. Your actions will teach him that even when you TELL him you resent it, you will still DO it; he is willing to put up with your whining (and even berate you for the whining), as long as he gets what he wants.

 

It is actually painful reading your post because I see my former self in it. I see how powerless I felt. I see the fear that kept me from taking a stand, and getting a better life for myself and my kids. I see the control my ex had over me that led me to keep on doing things like scratching his back even when he was treating me like you-know-what. I see the terrible fears of harm to my children, the bogeyman of divorce. I see the anger, the resentment, the unhappiness, the bitterness, the strong feelings I felt, and how those harmed me and my kids. I see how trapped I felt.

 

I want to tell you the thing my sister said to me that really changed my mind: "Youareworthy, I know that when you think about divorce, all you can see is the edge of this huge cliff, and you feel like leaving him will be hurling yourself and your children off the edge of the cliff. But I want you to consider that the cliff is not in fact a free-fall to your deaths. What you cannot see now, because you haven't gone to the very edge of the cliff and taken that first step off of it, is that there is a wide ledge just below the top of the cliff, and you and the kids are simply going to step down onto that ledge, and wend your way down to the ground in safety, not fall headlong into space. You simply cannot see the ledge right now."

 

That is, in fact, exactly what happened. We did not die. We did not get destroyed. We did not have awful lives. What we have had is survival mode at first, then gradually picking ourselves up and moving forward, and the kids and I are all, ALL, very glad that the marriage ended. We are ALL positive that this was the best possible choice I ever could have made in our situation.

 

Be courageous, and trust your ability to cope with the unknown of the future.

 

Keep writing here. Write to me directly if you wish.

 

You are worthy of better treatment.

 

Youareworthy

[ThatwasThen]

Geeze, I sure hope that the Op is still lurking and reads your post, Youareworthy.

[youareworthy]

Thank you, ThatwasThen. I do too. Since her first post was only yesterday morning, I would think she may be back on sometime soon.

[leor16]

Youareworthy, thank you SO much for sharing your experience.

 

[youareworthy]

Dear Leor16, Gebaird, ThatwasThen, and Victoria66,

 

I am always so amazed and thankful that the horrid, nasty parts of my life prove to be helpful to anyone. I consider it one of the coolest things about God that He can take the worst pain I have ever felt and make good things come from it. Miraculous.

 

Youareworthy