He wants to make things work but I just feel tired

[jabikucko]

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He's my best friend, and we are so compatible in so many ways, but lately I've just felt so tired. We have very different approaches to resolving crises, and I just don't feel like I can rely on him. When we were moving to our first apartment together he was working abroad, and had booked his ticket to come back home to pack for the day before we had to move. This meant that I had to pack up our entire apartment alone, and when I had to leave the apartment early (lease takeover) he wouldn't change his ticket because he thought I was overreacting about how difficult moving was. My family ended up driving over 6 hours from another state to come help me. Afterwards he realized he was wrong and apologized and even made up for it, but it was such a stressful experience. He's a very laid back person, and he's always late, or doesn't think about important things. I constantly have to remind him to pay me back for rent, and even though we're supposed to split groceries, I usually end up buying more than my fair share. When he was unemployed, I had asked him to take care of some minor things around the house, and he never did them even though I was supporting him financially at the time. He apologized when I broke down sobbing because I felt like he doesn't care about things that are important to me in a relationship, and he promises to make it up to me. I realize he doesn't do any of these things on purpose. He just honestly is a forgetful, laid back person. It's just taken such a toll on me, and this last event has completely changed the way I see him. I used to want to have sex with him constantly, and now I can only initiate once a week. I'm still attracted to him physically, but I just see him as the guy who keeps letting me down, and I just can't bring myself to sleep with him. We've talked about it, and he says that he wants to change, and he has been putting more effort around the house. It's just we've had this conversation so many times I don't believe him anymore... I want to fix this so badly. He is my favorite person in the whole world, but I'm so heartbroken. It feels silly to be this upset over what is essentially a more laid back attitude. I really need some advice.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but perhaps you are right and the relationship has run it's course. Can you or he move out? Agree it's exhausting living with a lazy parasite.

I constantly have to remind him to pay me back for rent, and even though we're supposed to split groceries, I usually end up buying more than my fair share. When he was unemployed, I had asked him to take care of some minor things around the house, and he never did them even though I was supporting him financially at the time.

[gebaird]

You can call it a laid back attitude if you want, but your emotions are telling you otherwise. Some relationships end over a single big explosion, and others move inch by inch toward implosion, like Chinese torture. It sounds to me like this relationship is about to collapse under its own weight. Changing your attitude isn't going to be enough, I'm afraid, and he has clearly demonstrated over and over again that you are not worth changing for.

 

Listen to that "tired" feeling. It's sending you a very clear message. The resentment from his mistreatment is weighing you down like a backpack full of rocks. You may be compatible in many areas, and you may have many happy memories together, but it's not enough to overcome continual neglect. If you stay and try to make it work, "tired" will turn to "angry" and this thing will blow up like Krakatoa. If you leave now, you may still be able to do it amicably.

 

P.S. He doesn't actually want to make things work. If he did, he would change (and the change would stick).

[jabikucko]

The Krakatoa comment made me laugh

 

The thing is, I believe him when he says he wants us to work. He was in tears when I was telling him how I felt, and I'm his first relationship. I feel like he is inexperienced and naively self-centered, and he genuinely wants to be a better partner.

[gebaird]

The Krakatoa comment made me laugh

 

The thing is, I believe him when he says he wants us to work. He was in tears when I was telling him how I felt, and I'm his first relationship. I feel like he is inexperienced and naively self-centered, and he genuinely wants to be a better partner.

 

Words and tears are powerful. Actions are more so.

 

Make a job chart, have him setup an auto-transfer from his account to yours so you'll never have to ask about rent again. Set clear expectations about groceries and hold him accountable. Go on regular dates and set aside time each week to talk about the state of the relationship.

 

Most importantly, speak your truth.

[Gary Snyder]

This relationship is on the way out. Cut off sex and see if he still does not want to do the dishes. Eventually, that's what's going to happen anyway if things stay the same. Sometimes it works best when it's the person's own idea to change. Good luck to you.

[Andrina]

You are sugar-coating words with "laid-back" and "forgetful" because you care about him. What he is, is childish, and not in the good way. He knows you're upset regularly, about his failure to take responsibility, but he hasn't cared enough to change. He has chosen you because you are a mature adult who takes all of the responsibility so he doesn't have to. You probably subconsciously chose him because when you met him, his free and easy ways seemed to be things that were probably missing in your life, but as you see, being free and easy when the going gets rough, and he doesn't step up to the plate, then it falls all on your shoulders.

 

If you ever have children together, and he has to pick up the kids from school, you might just hear, "Oh, my phone was acting wacky and it displayed the wrong time, so I got there an hour late." If you get married, he might get a credit card and rack up the bills, and they say he didn't want to worry you that you're now in credit card debt. He'll get it paid down. Not to worry. And if you get a divorce, you might be responsible for that debt as well, since he's your spouse. Life and saving for retirement is expensive. Sounds like planning for the future isn't very important to him, so I wouldn't count on him to be an equal partner in that area.

 

Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important things you'll do in your life. Staying with a childish guy like him would be a huge mistake.

[Wiseman2]

There was a term coined called Peter Pan Syndrome and subsequently Wendy Syndrome.

 

Here's an article 6647843]I want to fix this so badly. He is my favorite person in the whole world, but I'm so heartbroken. It feels silly to be this upset over what is essentially a more laid back attitude. I really need some advice.

[Ms Darcy]

You are sugar-coating words with "laid-back" and "forgetful" because you care about him. What he is, is childish, and not in the good way. He knows you're upset regularly, about his failure to take responsibility, but he hasn't cared enough to change. He has chosen you because you are a mature adult who takes all of the responsibility so he doesn't have to. You probably subconsciously chose him because when you met him, his free and easy ways seemed to be things that were probably missing in your life, but as you see, being free and easy when the going gets rough, and he doesn't step up to the plate, then it falls all on your shoulders.

 

If you ever have children together, and he has to pick up the kids from school, you might just hear, "Oh, my phone was acting wacky and it displayed the wrong time, so I got there an hour late." If you get married, he might get a credit card and rack up the bills, and they say he didn't want to worry you that you're now in credit card debt. He'll get it paid down. Not to worry. And if you get a divorce, you might be responsible for that debt as well, since he's your spouse. Life and saving for retirement is expensive. Sounds like planning for the future isn't very important to him, so I wouldn't count on him to be an equal partner in that area.

 

Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important things you'll do in your life. Staying with a childish guy like him would be a huge mistake.

 

My sister married someone like this. And this is how things played out. She was a single parent, basically. They are now divorced.

 

Andrina is spot on though. He's not JUST laid back and forgetful. He's taking advantage of you financially and he's irresponsible. That's a very different ballgame.

 

Sadly, the best thing you can do for him is to leave him. He needs to be left with the consequences of his own irresponsible behavior to see the need to AT LEAST be responsible for his financial obligations.

 

I know it's hard, but you will be better off in the long-run without him.