Am I overreacting?

[Peonieslove]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. It turned into a long distance relationship a few months in when he got a job in another city. Since then he has only been to visit twice...on special occasions. I've fought with him several times to visit me but they have fallen on deaf ears and his job was an excuse until I recently put my foot down because I work too yet I've made the effort to spend time with him. Before I never had an issue with him supporting his colleague's daughter until I last pleaded with him to visit and he again couldn't give me a straight answer or atleast some sort of plan. They were very keen on meeting me yet they've never invited me to attend any of her modelling shows or performances when I was there nor has this girl even liked a picture of him and I on instagram (if we're really going to dig deep). Am I wrong to feel jealous that he's ready to go to support whatever thing his colleague's daughter has going on (no excuses or dismissing) when thus far, I couldn't get a plan out of him? He even house sits for them... No hopes and wonders, they know they can count on him. He says he just wants to be in good books with him because he's in an influential position at the company and has suddenly made plans to come and see me. Isn't it weird that they invite a grown man to watch a 17yr old girl perform and model? Am I wrong to think that something is brewing? Would it be a good compromise for him to only attend when I'm there? Since it seems that really he wants to continue going for brownie points...or so he says.

 

I'm not about sucking up to people and I'm not particularly happy that he's okay doing it.

 

Please help!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he has moved on and rather than tell you directly is "fading out" by making excuses not to see or communicate with you very much.

 

Don't worry about the boss's daughter story, the main evidence is he never wants to see you or plan to see you and has only visited 2x in 3 yrs..

 

Ask him point blank if there is any future or if he would rather break up due to not being able to sustain a LDR.

It turned into a long distance relationship a few months in Since then he has only been to visit twice. I last pleaded with him to visit and he again couldn't give me a straight answer or atleast some sort of plan. Since it seems that really he wants to continue going for brownie points...or so he says.

[ParisPaulette]

Forgive me for being blunt here, but really? No one out there under the sun, moon and stars is going to support a coworker's or colleague's or anyone else's kid unless they a) have a thing for the mom or b) have a thing for the kid (oh god, please don't let it be that, PLEASE!)

 

I'm sorry, how do you not see that you're the side piece and he's moved in with them? Please just break up, this isn't a relationship and if you have to beg someone to come spend time with you that's so sad. It means he doesn't want to do so, but he doesn't want you off the shelf either in case he needs you as "backup" and that's just not fair to you.

 

Just end things, tell him it doesn't work for you, good bye. And then find someone local to have something real with who isn't lying to you, because again no man I know just feels sorry for someone and starts supporting their kid and doing dad things for no good reason. And no, it's not "out of the goodness of my heart" that they do that.

 

If someone really wants to work with kids they go do it as a volunteer somewhere or they start a family with you. They don't become the father figure to a colleague or coworker's kid, that's for sure.

 

He's lying like crazy to you and probably to the two of them as well. That's why you haven't met them. If you don't believe me then pick up the phone and talk to the "colleague." I'm sure you'll be surprised at the tail you get, you're being gaslighted here big time.

[gebaird]

Twice in 3 years? How far away is he? Is it a financial issue? Does he not visit you because you visit him often enough that he doesn't have to come to you? I think the brownie points thing is just an excuse. I'm as ambitious as the next guy, but you won't find me ditching my girl so I can house sit for a colleague. It feels like there may be more going on. Maybe a secret crush or inappropriate connection with the girl.

 

Regardless of what's happening on his side, the fact that you have to fight with him to get him to visit you is a huge red flag. Every relationship takes work, but if you're starting to feel like you're doing all of the heavy lifting, it may be a sign that he's losing interest and just doesn't want to hurt you. It also makes me question if he's really that into you.

 

Why are you holding on to this relationship? Loyalty? Habit? Because it used to be good?

[Hollyj]

What a waste of life. You need to start to follow people's actions. This guy is NOT into you!

[moodindigo91]

This sounds weird. What do you mean by he supports his colleague's daughter? What does that even entail besides going to see her model? My neighbor dog sits and house sits for multiple of his colleagues but that's about as far as that ever goes. I agree with ParisPaulette on the possible reasons he's doing it.

 

Only twice in three years for a long distance relationship that isn't military related is unacceptable in my opinion. I don't understand why people do long distance, unless it's temporary. Like what do you actually get out of it besides sadness and longing for physical touch, etc. The whole point of a relationship is to have someone to spend time with and to grow with, you can't really do that if you are never near each other. Have you gone to visit him? If not, why is it up to him to visit you?

 

I think this relationship sounds like a lost cause regardless. He's clearly tied up with his job and his coworkers, which is a problem for relationships even if you live together. The fact that you are in different cities and never see each other makes it much worse. I would just call it quits and date someone in your city who will make all the time in the world for you. No sense in fighting to force someone to make time for you if they don't want to. It will be an endless battle.

[Peonieslove]

Unfortunately it sounds like he has moved on and rather than tell you directly is "fading out" by making excuses not to see or communicate with you very much.

 

Don't worry about the boss's daughter story, the main evidence is he never wants to see you or plan to see you and has only visited 2x in 3 yrs..

 

Ask him point blank if there is any future or if he would rather break up due to not being able to sustain a LDR.

 

I have asked him why he hasn't visited and he says he feels like he doesn't deserve to take the time off. He has promised to visit and made plans to come at the end of this month. The plan now is that we would alternate visits each month. He says he wants a future with me and he can't stand to lose me but I just don't feel that it should have come down to this at all. I shouldn't have to fight or beg for him to see me

[Peonieslove]

The colleague is a married man and my boyfriend is usually invited to attend performances and modelling shows. He doesn't support her financially but he's there to show his support. They like him very much but even if he doesn't have to travel to go and support her... I don't like the fact that they easily get his time and I don't.

[Wiseman2]

How far apart are you? Is it an expensive plane fare or in driving distance? Why can't you visit if he keeps refusing for the past Three years? Can either of you get time off? Why have you only seen each other 2x in 3 yrs if the plan is every other month?

 

Tell him you will visit at the end of the month, if he makes more excuses, you'll have your answer...if you really want the truth, that is.

I have asked him why he hasn't visited and he says he feels like he doesn't deserve to take the time off.The plan now is that we would alternate visits each month.

[DancingFool]

The colleague is a married man and my boyfriend is usually invited to attend performances and modelling shows. He doesn't support her financially but he's there to show his support. They like him very much but even if he doesn't have to travel to go and support her... I don't like the fact that they easily get his time and I don't.

 

Seems like it's time that you address the real issue you are having. This is not about the colleague or his daughter, it's about the fact that you bf prioritizes pretty much everything over making time to maintain your relationship and it's not working out for you.

 

So maybe ask yourself some serious questions as well - what is the end goal in this relationship? Are you going to move, doesn't sound like he will.... Are you two planning on marriage? It's been three years and it's probably long past due to think about where things are going, if anywhere at all. It sounds like your relationship has been in long distance limbo. Long distance can work only if it's temporary and the two people have actual plans and schedule in place to close the distance and move forward in their relationship. Without that, you really don't have anything but a penpal type friendship.

 

Another factor to consider is that you say that you are not into kissing up to people. Seems like your bf is and he is not going to change that. So can you even respect him given that he is a kiss up who will always run off to please whoever he thinks is powerful or beneficial while leaving you to fend for yourself? That's not a distance issue, it's a personality issue.

 

I think that rather than distracting yourself with the colleague and his daughter, you need to do some soul searching about where you really are in this relationship and whether it's worth continuing.

[Maddyb12]

Okay... Everyone's saying that he has only visited twice in three years but what I read was you've been together for 3 years and it became long distance a few months which is where the two visits come into play?

 

How old are you guys? I'm sorry you're going through this. Feeling like you're forcing someone to come see you and spend time with you is the worst. How often is he going to these performances/shows for his colleagues daughter? I do find it kind of odd and am curious about the age difference between the 17 year old and your boyfriend. It is very possible he's just doing what he can to get brownie points but if you're uncomfortable with it you're uncomfortable with it... I would maybe voice my opinion about how it seems odd to you for him to be attending so many of these things. As for prioritizing them over you... They are nearby right? How far away are you- plane ride? Or car? It does make sense that he is helping them because they are near where he is but I do think he should make more of an effort to maintain your relationship

[Peonieslove]

I've been doing all the visiting at this point. I take time off work and make the effort to see him. Since airing my feelings for umpteenth time, he suggested that we take turns visiting each other every month.

[Peonieslove]

Okay... Everyone's saying that he has only visited twice in three years but what I read was you've been together for 3 years and it became long distance a few months which is where the two visits come into play?

 

How old are you guys? I'm sorry you're going through this. Feeling like you're forcing someone to come see you and spend time with you is the worst. How often is he going to these performances/shows for his colleagues daughter? I do find it kind of odd and am curious about the age difference between the 17 year old and your boyfriend. It is very possible he's just doing what he can to get brownie points but if you're uncomfortable with it you're uncomfortable with it... I would maybe voice my opinion about how it seems odd to you for him to be attending so many of these things. As for prioritizing them over you... They are nearby right? How far away are you- plane ride? Or car? It does make sense that he is helping them because they are near where he is but I do think he should make more of an effort to maintain your relationship

 

In 5 months we'll be together for 3 years. He moved to another city about 7 months into our relationship. He's 28 and I'm 27. It takes me 8 hours by bus to visit him. I can't tell you how many he's been to but it's more than the two times he's been to see me

[Peonieslove]

Twice in 3 years? How far away is he? Is it a financial issue? Does he not visit you because you visit him often enough that he doesn't have to come to you? I think the brownie points thing is just an excuse. I'm as ambitious as the next guy, but you won't find me ditching my girl so I can house sit for a colleague. It feels like there may be more going on. Maybe a secret crush or inappropriate connection with the girl.

 

Regardless of what's happening on his side, the fact that you have to fight with him to get him to visit you is a huge red flag. Every relationship takes work, but if you're starting to feel like you're doing all of the heavy lifting, it may be a sign that he's losing interest and just doesn't want to hurt you. It also makes me question if he's really that into you.

 

Why are you holding on to this relationship? Loyalty? Habit? Because it used to be good?

 

He's 8 hours away by bus which I have taken several times since he moved away to see him. It's magical when we're together and we go on a lot of adventures but I want him to visit me more. I have voiced this to him numerous times but he hasn't budged until recently when he promised to visit end of this month and suggested we alternate visits. I don't feel like it had to come to this. I'm jealous at the fact that when his colleague (married male) invites him to attend his daughter's shows he's more than willing to go... No excuses or dismissing. Yes, they're in his city but he can't be there more than he's making time for me. The times that I have visited him, they haven't invited us to attend her events... Only when I'm not there. On one occasion they invited him to tag along with them and the daughters boyfriend who I assume is no longer in the picture because he hasn't been with on the recent performances. I have met his colleague, his colleagues wife and daughter but only once. I think it's weird that he'd go and watch a teens performances (modelling and singing) so religiously. I don't want him to spend time with them on such things... I don't mind the house sitting as much because he's alone there at their place but what must he do watching her at her performances? He says they ask about me a lot but do they think it's appropriate for him to be there? Am I overreacting?

[Wiseman2]

You may want to reconsider the viability and future of this relationship. He has been moving away from you, not towards you both emotionally and physically with no indication of a future other than talk and empty promises.

 

There are no plans for you to move there or him to come back there is no talk of living together or marriage. How long do you want to be in this limbo and be strung along this way.

 

It's up to you to decide your future and find an available local guy who wants the same things as you and with whom you can build a realistic future.

In 5 months we'll be together for 3 years. He moved to another city about 7 months into our relationship. He's 28 and I'm 27. It takes me 8 hours by bus to visit him. I can't tell you how many he's been to but it's more than the two times he's been to see me

[Peonieslove]

You may want to reconsider the viability and future of this relationship. He has been moving away from you, not towards you both emotionally and physically with no indication of a future other than talk and empty promises.

 

There are no plans for you to move there or him to come back there is no talk of living together or marriage. How long do you want to be in this limbo and be strung along this way.

 

It's up to you to decide your future and find an available local guy who wants the same things as you and with whom you can build a realistic future.

 

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to me. I think it's time for soul searching.

[Gary Snyder]

Please post a pic of the mom and daughter (it's a bad joke!).