Is being unhappy good enough for divorce?

[Jeffmitchelljr]

I need some real advice. Me and my wife have been married for 3 years. I love her with my heart and soul. We separated before and have been back together for a year now. She left me while I was at work 2 weeks ago and refuses to work anything out with me because she's just unhappy and deserves to be. I understand how she feels because I also feel the same way but I'm commuted to her and I meant that for the rest of my life and unhappiness I thought was worth trying until it's learned how to get right. I've never cheated and I'm not abusive I just simply work 80 hours a week and I'm mentally and physically drained a lot. I've changed every aspect of myself to make her happy as in I stopped hanging out with my friends because she's a home body and wants me home. She didn't like me drinking so I simply gave it up. She requires nice things so I got a job with twice as much hours and I buy her and our 2 year old son everything they like. I do everything I possibly can for my marriage and she's just simply unhappy and she believes divorce is the only option. I don't know what else to do. I thought that in a marriage came good and rough times and when we got back together there was a serious talk and we both agreed that we knew there would be rough times that we couldn't stand each other but would never give up on each other as long as there was no cheating or abuse and now a year later I've kept my promise and she's seeking a divorce over unhappiness. Is there anyone out there that can please help me. Anyone been in this place that can simply give some kind of guidence I'm hurting.

[Fudgie]

What does she say about counselling? Is she willing to try?

 

I do think when you're married, you do owe it to your partner to try and get to the bottom of problems like this, barring things like infidelity/abuse/etc. But simply being unhappy? I think you deserve a shot at trying to repair things before you uproot your life.

[moodindigo91]

It sounds like you guys are just incompatible. You can lasso the moon from the night sky and hand it to her, she'd still be unhappy. I say it's definitely grounds for divorce. If she does not want to work things out with you, then there isn't much you can do but to let her go, and it sounds like it'll be for the better. Now you can focus on yourself for once and do the things you want to do, work where you want to work, etc.

[reinventmyself]

I think that even when you believe you have reached the very end you owe to both yourselves to turn over every stone before you walk away.

This includes therapy.

 

The only thing worse than divorce is wondering if there is something you didn't try to do in order to save it.

I know I did . . and as difficult as it was I don't for one flat second think that I didn't give it absolutely everything I had.

 

Nothing worse than regret, my friend.

 

Good marriages take dedication and work.

But you can't do it alone.

[IAmFCA]

The question you pose is whether her reason is enough of a reason, but that's her choice to make,not yours.

 

I am taking a guess that she has been wanting to feel an emotional connection and you or she or both of you have been using material things as a substitute for the thing that's missing.

 

I used to work at an international firm, I understand 80 hours. Do you ask her out on dates? Put her on your calendar and take her out, like before you were in the same house. No matter how many hours you work, you still need to show up for your relationship as well.

 

As to her, I can't address that, because she isn't hete.

[IAmFCA]

The question you pose is whether her reason is enough of a reason, but that's her choice to make,not yours.

 

I am taking a guess that she has been wanting to feel an emotional connection and you or she or both of you have been using material things as a substitute for the thing that's missing.

 

I used to work at an international firm, I understand 80 hours. Do you ask her out on dates? Put her on your calendar and take her out, like before you were in the same house. No matter how many hours you work, you still need to show up for your relationship as well.

 

As to her, I can't address that, because she isn't hete.

[Wiseman2]

Suggest marriage therapy, you've only been married 3 yrs and already been separated. How ere things before you got married? Avoiding her and her request to be with you by indulging in workaholism is not helping.

our 2 year old son

[happyfrank]

You need a job with less hours. It's more important to be a father and a husband.

 

materialistic things are not important. Family is.

[melancholy123]

I bet you working 80 hours a week is a good part of the problem. You are never home! Cut back on the hours and see if that helps.

[IAmFCA]

OP, I'm not here to tell you to work fewer hours. Many will. What I will tell you is that one of my friends is a top executive at a multinational firm and he maintains a multi continental schedule that includes events for kids, with wife, and for work, and for his own workout regimen. I am in awe of that skill and asked: he simply does what is next without regard to time zone. If sleep is next, he does that. Seems crazy.

 

Maybe that's an unusual gift but I think it works because he runs from nothing. He WANTS to invest in his marriage and his kids. He doesn't question whether his presence is of value, he sets that value.

 

To me, you and your wife sound well matched, and now finding yourselves staring at the mirror image of one another. It is Your choice to work as you do, regardless of your motivation, own it fully. It is your choice. Separate it from She wants certain things and so I do this for her... No no no. I want to give her things, and so I do this for her... That is more true. Practice that thought pattern in every thought you have, including work related ideas.

 

Own your choices.

 

I suggest reading about boundaries and Codependence in relationships. Revisit how you talk to yourself about your life to make sure you are acknowledging your level of control. Learn to say I want to do this, because doing this gives me X or helps me achieve goal Y.

[Lester]

What was the reason(s) you separated last year?

[lostandhurt]

So she told you she didn't like you hanging out with your friends so you changed that. Then she didn't like you drinking at all so you stopped. Then she wants more things so you double your work load so she can have what she wants.

 

And she is still unhappy... You did everything she asked and yet it still isn't good enough. Do you see a pattern here? You are working your butt off to MAKE her happy. Take it from me as I have been in your shoes, you cannot MAKE her happy, happiness comes from inside and is shared with others. What you have been doing is putting a bandage on something that needs surgery.

 

This isn't you working to many hours and not taking her out enough, this isn't your lack of energy while home and this isn't your abilities as a husband. This is about a woman that is unhappy with her life and does not know how to be happy so she relies on you to prop her happiness up.

 

I did what you are doing for 20 years and after I caught her cheating I finally realized it was a fools errand. If you have to constantly buy things, entertain and jump through hoops so she will be happy it isn't going to work.

 

First off cut back on your hours or quit one of your jobs. If you cannot live on 40 hours or so a week you are living a lifestyle you shouldn't be. Does she work?

Second don't try to make more money to fix this. Some of the happiest couples I know have very little money and "things" do not automatically make a good marriage.

Third you need to step back and ask yourself how happy are you in this relationship. It sounds like you are exhausted and miserable because you cannot seem to do enough for her to stay. The fact that you love her so deeply keeps you trying and I understand that (to late for me) but you need to ask yourself is this what I want? Do I want to work double hours a week for the rest of my life so she will stay?

 

When you have done everything and it is still not enough what are you supposed to do? Working yourself into the ground so she can be happy is pretty selfish on her part don't you think? Keeping you away from your friends is controlling and selfish isn't it?

 

Think about yourself and what you want your life to be like and then decide if that is ever possible with her. In the end I think you will see like I did that she is doing you a huge favor by leaving.

 

I am sorry but you cannot make someone happy that simply is not. Cheer them up sure, make them laugh of course but what we are talking about here is the kind of happiness in your soul and that comes from within.

 

I wish I had better news for you but it doesn't look good.

 

Lost

[nick66]

It's not your job to make her happy, that's her job.