Heartbroken and confused

[Marie83]

I am having a very rough time. My ex and I were together for 2 years. We broke up in Oct. (last year) for 3 months. We then broke up again in Feb (this year) and technically never got back together. I was so heartbroken that I could not eat, sleep, etc. He lives in the town my sister lives and we visited a few times. We ended up sleeping together and got into a fight. He then ignored me for an entire month. After that month, we saw each other again (this is May) he professed his love and said he missed me and wanted to be with me. I was weary at first and he didn't like that and took it back yet we still kept talking and hanging out and sleeping together and fighting all summer. It was like multiple breakups even though we weren't together.

 

He was moving for postdoc fellow states away and I was preparing myself for the final end. He didn't seem to want me to visit and wanted to start fresh. I ended up sleeping with a guy I was dating during the month he ignored me and when I knew he was leaving and when he found out, he wasn't really upset at first. He actually then said he wanted me to move there with him. This was were a lot of our fights came from all summer. I was in shock and happy, but weary. I couldn't move for a few months since I just started a job and needed some funds. I couldn't fly out for a couple months either. He got upset and that was too long for him. He said we need to take some space so we were not angry at each other. I got upset because we were skyping for hours each night and I missed him.

 

We ended up fighting and then he took the whole moving there back and said he started dating someone else. It's only been a couple dates but he says he likes her. He said he didn't even want me to visit anymore. He says that he doesn't know if it will workout and that distance may make the heart grow fonder, and that when he is less angry maybe then, but there's too much bad blood. He also said it just didn't workout and there's nothing to fix and he doesn't know what the future holds but also said we aren't getting back together. His messages are so conflicting. He was telling me he loved me everynight and flipped from all of that to zero. It just feels like the end to me. I'm having so much anxiety, can't sleep or eat. All of that happened within the last few days.

 

I don't know if I'll ever see him again. He says we will and don't think like that but I think he is trying to make it easier because he is ignoring me again. We both have hurt each other a lot. It just feels like I have been trying for a relationship again since Feb. and heartbroken almost every week or two because he is conflicting. He took me on dates, cooked dinner together, yet he did not want to be with me. The final blow is that I always wanted to move with him and he took that away two weeks later and started dating. I'm just so confused and hurt.

[reinventmyself]

Oh gosh. I am exhausted over reading all that.

This is not how a relationship should be, I think you know that.

I am not sure why you two keep returning to the guy and expecting it to be any different. It just sounds miserable and painful

I know it hurts. But I think you would be doing yourself a huge favor by blocking this guy and moving on.

[Marie83]

I am sorry I wrote so much. I am 32 and he is 28 btw. He also mentioned something about time and all his friends are getting married and wants to see if he can be happy with someone else. I know a relationship shouldn't be like this, but I love him more than anything. I've never loved a guy as much as him and this is my 5 relationship and it's so hard to just want to give up on love. I'll be high risk for kids soon too so I know I'm wasting time. Randomly, he is actually a psychologist. I'm also going to interviews for physician assistant school. I was there through all of his, his internship, dissertation, etc. I ever drove 10 hours almost every week to see him and he came just a handful of times. It's just so sad and hard to give up.

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to go no contact and block him so you can heal from this on/off nightmare. He was using you and sounds quite insincere. "we aren't getting back together" is not a mixed message. Do not let him back into your life for hookups if/when he rolls through town.

 

Be glad he's gone, you can find much better men who will be honest and consistent with you.

he started dating someone else. It's only been a couple dates but he says he likes her. He said he didn't even want me to visit anymore. He says that he doesn't know if it will workout and that distance may make the heart grow fonder, and that when he is less angry maybe then, but there's too much bad blood. He also said it just didn't workout and there's nothing to fix

[Marie83]

Yeah, I am doing my best at no contact. I blocked him on Facebook and my phone. It's hard because he has said we are never getting back together before and came back twice since then professing his love and then asking me to move. I finally put my foot down right before this and demanded either moving forward or apart and that's when he cut contact which is what he has done before and then comes right back. We used to be only 5 hours away and now I am in TN and he is in Boston and he isn't from TN, we met in college in IL so I doubt I'll see him again. I feel like part of this is my fault, pushing him for an answer but it's been since Feb. and he says he won't be pushed into anything. I was just trying to set a boundary and I lost him.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. You would have lost him anyway he did not care for you or respect you, he jerked you around continually and you finally saw his true colors. Go no contact 100% so you can heal and move on to a decent man who is sincere with you, not just sweet-talk before cheap hookups and double talk, empty promises etc..

I am doing my best at no contact. I blocked him on Facebook and my phone. I doubt I'll see him again.

[moodindigo91]

This is how your post sounded to me: "We had a fight, and then we had another fight and then we had another fight, and then we fought all summer, then we fought all autumn and then we had another fight and then he decided he only wanted me back after he found out I slept with someone else then we fought some more."

 

WOW. How exhausted are from this relationship? This sounds terrible! Was there ever a point where you were actually happy between those fights? If you are fighting that much, you are clearly very incompatible. Be glad it's over, relationships are not supposed to be that way! They are supposed to be mutually beneficial, not the cause of all your misery and stress. Yuck.

 

I'm glad that ended before you moved in. I can't imagine how the fighting would have escalated into straight up abuse.

[Marie83]

Thank you! It's hard believing that it wasn't special to him. He says he loved me very deeply and is grateful for the time we had together. Part of me feels that maybe he will grow up and come back and know what he wants finally, yet with closing all of the doors, I won't even know. It's hard to realize that it should actually be over and believe that yet I feel like I have gone through over 50 breakups yet only 2 real ones. My friends and family worry about how much stress and sadness it has caused me. I even lost a very close bestfriend of 10 years because I chose him at one point.

[Marie83]

In the beginning for the first entire year. We did not have a single fight yet we also didn't communicate very much. It wasn't until it became long distance that all the fighting occurred. It was as soon as he makes a new social group, he was done with me. This happened last year and even now. He ended things right when he started working and made friends with other postdoc/ interns. When we are together in person, for the most part we get along except occasional disagreement. It's when distance played a part and when I wanted to know where we were headed because we were acting like boufriend/ girlfriend with no commitment. That was the majority of the summer fights since I was out of school just driving back and forth to do research. It's just it was a very very intense relationship with a lot of passion/ chemistry. I've never had a relationship with that kind of chemistry before even in a 4 year years back. But I know I am not happy and I have not been happy in a very long time. I could have been if he worked with me and could commit and meant what he said and didn't send mixed messages. I don't do well at all in limbo and I've been living it for nearly a year now.

[Marie83]

Thank y'all for your advice. It helps to see things from an outside, unbiased perspective. I booked an apt with a therapist in 2 weeks so I am hoping that helps. It's hard to leave someone you truly love and would have done anything for.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you can not pick this and that pearl from the past and restring it into something better in a fantasized future.

 

The relationship was an abusive turbulent nightmare. It may be best to listen to your friends and family and google 'signs of mentally abusive relationships' and get some counseling to sort out what a healthy relationship looks like, so you don't hang on to this mess or worse get into a series of unhealthy relationships.

My friends and family worry about how much stress and sadness it has caused me.

[moodindigo91]

Anyone who dumps you as soon as they can replace you (with another lover, friends, whatever) is not someone you have chemistry with. You have a year long honeymoon phase then he showed his true colors. Distance only aided in the stress it didn't cause it. I thought the same thing about my most recent relationship. He walked all over me for a long time and we were always fighting for a period of time. I told myself and others that it's because we're both so passionate and emotional, our connection was intense. I couldn't possibly leave.

 

That is a bunch off bull, get that out of your head. He didn't have passion for you, if he did you would still be together. I lost friends, too. I moved across the country and away from all of my family and friends to be with him, and I lost a few of the friends I've made here along the way as well because of him. That isn't passion or chemistry, it is control and abuse, IMO.

[Marie83]

Part of my feels like we were both abusive. I was so hurt that I said the cruelest things I have ever said to anyone. Yeah, at this point I don't even know what a relationship is and I kind of want to avoid them all for a while.

[Marie83]

You are right. He comes when he needs support emotional or physical and leaves when he feels confident. The first time he came back, he dated a girl who was engaged and lied to him. When he told me to move there, he knew no one and said he was depressed and then felt better and then left. I am so sorry you lost your friends and family. You're right it is control and abuse. I am so sorry you had to go through that! That sounds horrible!

[moodindigo91]

It's okay! I know it's up to me to make things right with them, and I will one day. An abusive relationship will bring out the worst in you, that is why you said awful things. You would never have said those things otherwise, and probably won't again (as long as you steer clear of these kinds of men), because that's simply not you. I became someone I didn't like over time, I'm trying to get myself back now. This forum has been a great help for me in doing that.

 

You just have to be able to recognize the difference between passion and abuse. Passion is when a man yearns to spend more time with you not when he demands it. Passion is when a man tries to make you happy all of the time not only when it's convenient for him. You'll find a man who is passionate about you one day and you'll realize how wrong you were about this guy and be happy for it lol.

[Marie83]

How long has it taken you to feel more like yourself again? I just joined the forum, but def plan to stay a part of it. I honestly wish I found it much sooner than now. I sure hope I find a better man. It's hard because they have good qualities too. I always felt safe with him, he was super smart and helped me with my PA apps and I always learned a lot from him, he was careful with finances and cooked me breakfast. He asked what I wanted to do a lot of the time and was very affectionate. He was very responsible with his work, got his doctorate and now at an Ivy League postdoc. I saw him as marriage material and that he would be a good father. He just kept pushing me away though and ultimately was using me even though I confronted him about using me and he said he wasn't. He said he had plenty of friends to call and could easily find a girl, but I always felt used.

[moodindigo91]

Unfortunately, he sounds like the kind of man who cares about himself and only about himself. His success in his career will trump any relationship he has. Your next man might not be an Ivy League postdoc, but he may very well treat you like you deserve to be treated. It will be important to try not to compare future men to this one in any way. If you felt used, you were used, plain and simple. He may not even realize he was using you, sometimes they don't. But yuck, he actually said he had plenty of friends and could easily find another girl? What a jerk.

 

I'm the same way, my ex is working really hard all of the sudden, has broken into the stand-up comedy field and has a real chance of being successful. I'm not sure I will find someone else who makes me laugh as much as he did. But that doesn't mean that the guy I do end up with won't make up for it in other ways

 

It's taking me a while. I've unfortunately been unable to leave our apartment, so I still live with him, therefore my journey toward healing is in limbo and incomplete. I still have a lot to work on, and I still have to leave. If I didn't find this forum I'd probably still be crying at his feet or something. He's changed a lot, but I just don't feel the same anymore, and the change is likely temporary.

[reinventmyself]

Thank you! It's hard believing that it wasn't special to him. He says he loved me very deeply and is grateful for the time we had together. Part of me feels that maybe he will grow up and come back and know what he wants finally, yet with closing all of the doors, I won't even know. It's hard to realize that it should actually be over and believe that yet I feel like I have gone through over 50 breakups yet only 2 real ones. My friends and family worry about how much stress and sadness it has caused me. I even lost a very close bestfriend of 10 years because I chose him at one point.

 

But it someone says they love you deeply and doesn't exhibit the actions to support it, then you need to step back and revaluate. There is not much loving about him playing the push/pull game with you the majority of the time. It's only self serving.

[Marie83]

When does the anxiety and panic end after a breakup? I know I cannot contact him and I have to keep him blocked. It is just causing so much anxiety. Yesterday, it was anger and sadness. Today, I just have so much anxiety. I loved him very much even though I know we are better off apart. As sad as it is to say, I still miss him and I still wish we could be better together. I'm afraid I'll lose him forever and never see him or talk to him again. I know I probably shouldn't but it still hurts so much. I have never loved another man as much, given another man as much as I did, felt some sort of strong pulling and had so much hope before. I keep breaking down every hour or two. I'm scared we will become ghosts to each other. I still love him very much. Sometimes I start to think that maybe it's all my fault. If I was more assertive or didn't sleep with him and did no contact in the past before more fighting occurred. I don't know.

[Hermes]

Marie:

 

That's the anxiety talking. And anxiety is a bad advisor! Try not to spend a lot of time alone, get out and about, more importantly pamper yourself....doesn't have to be anything big. Just small things. Anxiety causes people to engage in circular thinking, and rumination. "If only" and I should've" etc. etc. All very bad for you.

 

If the anxiety is overwhelming, perhaps a little temporary anxiolitic might help, as a sort of kick start for you. Maybe see your doctor about that. Particularly as you are breaking down every hour or two. That can lead to exhaustion and you don't want that.

[moodindigo91]

When does the anxiety and panic end after a breakup? I know I cannot contact him and I have to keep him blocked. It is just causing so much anxiety. Yesterday, it was anger and sadness. Today, I just have so much anxiety. I loved him very much even though I know we are better off apart. As sad as it is to say, I still miss him and I still wish we could be better together. I'm afraid I'll lose him forever and never see him or talk to him again. I know I probably shouldn't but it still hurts so much. I have never loved another man as much, given another man as much as I did, felt some sort of strong pulling and had so much hope before. I keep breaking down every hour or two. I'm scared we will become ghosts to each other. I still love him very much. Sometimes I start to think that maybe it's all my fault. If I was more assertive or didn't sleep with him and did no contact in the past before more fighting occurred. I don't know.

 

Yes, listen to Hermes. It's not your fault at all! That is certainly the anxiety talking. That will go away over time. I remember when my first boyfriend broke up with me (he was in the Army and was at his duty station and I was away at college, so it was through the phone) my roommates used to throw my phone in the silverware drawer in the kitchen because he kept texting me for like a week after he dumped me! I would be overcome with anxiety every time he texted me, and then I'd be overcome with anxiety when he wouldn't text me. You just have to distract yourself as much as possible. Do something that could be therapeutic, art, music, poetry, dancing, sports.

[reinventmyself]

Try to look at anxiety as detoxing from a drug. It's that primal feeling of abandonment and fear. It fades in time.

Trust me, I know all too well. (I was where you are two months ago and now on the other side)

It's like the devil telling you you want him back. But it's just an effort to stave off the anxiety.

Stay with it . . It passes in time. Never as fast as you may want to, but it does.

[Marie83]

Thank y'all for helping me feel better. I broke down and sent him an email in all of my anxiety. I know I shouldn't have. I thought I was going to marry this man. I actually wanted to. I know the relationship was far from healthy. There must be something wrong with me. I looked up fear of abandonment and I truly believe I have that. It also causes a push/ pull in a relationship which then made me further think that it's all my fault. I never said things to someone as I did him and never been so angry before. I still love him even though he as always viewed me as an option and never a priority. I need to get out of this. I know I can be treated better and treat better. In his last letter to me he said that I have borderline personality traits. I read up on it and there is a huge fear of abandonment factor. When I saw therapists in my past they all consistently said I had PTSD which has an abandonment factor as well. It may be why it is so hard to just leave and why it is affecting me so badly. I still can barely eat or get out of bed or do anything. I get so anxious that I can't do anything. Sometimes I think that maybe it's love that is doing this. It's because I love him so much. I don't know what it is.

[Hermes]

Marie:

"If it hurts it isn't love". "Love" isn't doing this to you, but the anxiety is. Can you perhaps get assistance from a counsellor. I think it might help you to re-discover yourself.

All the best.

[Marie83]

Thank you! I have an apt in two weeks. I would go sooner but I don't have insurance at the moment.