Working on getting back together after limbo-ish break-up two weeks ago

[elisa]

Two weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of two years because I had asked him a couple of times to change/decrease his friendship with his ex-girlfriend and he had not. They talked a lot on the phone and text, she leaned on him a lot for emotional support, and I felt like he may still have feelings for her. I needed a boundary here, but I wanted him to just "take it down a notch" or figure something out. I didn't want to tell him what to do, just wanted him to respect that I needed him to put a boundary in place. I snooped in his phone about 3 weeks ago and saw that he had sent her a porn gif from the internet; they had a brief convo about how she needed more porn because she was out of the country and the internet was more restricted. I sat on this info for about a week while he was out of town, stewing. Once he got back, I went over and confronted him and when he didn't have anything to say other than it was stupid and he was sorry, I broke it off.

 

I went 3 days no contact, and then we met up to talk about it. He apologized and said he would cut off the friendship and focus on our relationship. My concern at this point was more about my emotions than action. Taking the action to cut off the friendship was important, but I needed him to understand where I was coming from and why this was such an unhealthy friendship to our relationship. He still says that he does not have feelings for her, she's just an open person with no boundaries and they have been friends for a longlong time, and only dated a short time. A few months ago when I had asked for boundaries he felt resentful then because I had been making passive aggressive comments about it for so long that he had built up this resentment and mental block to the topic, so he ignored my request and kept talking to her. The last few times we have talked he has apologized for this and said that he sees where I am coming from and that he should have listened to me and responded with love and not been so stubborn in his theory that I was unreasonable and jealous. We've talked a lot about our pasts in the last few weeks and where we are coming from and how we feel about relationships and what it takes to make long-term ones work. I am okay with us figuring out in a few months how to have a friendship with this other girl that we are all okay with and he finally said that he was willing to re-start their friendship in a way I could be okay with. He has not had a lot of long-term relationships and I think it would help in the future to just be very clear about what the boundaries that I want are in order for my needs to be met, rather than ramble on emotionally and hope he figures it out.

 

I feel like we've made some progress, but I still feel really hurt and like our relationship has been pretty unhealthy through this summer. I've built up bitterness that he did not respect my needs, and he built up resentment that I was trying to dictate his friendships; we got to the point now of resolving both of those, but there's still a lot to get past and let go of. Any advice? Do you guys think this is hopeless to work through? I've been reading up on some ideas around building intimacy and how to "hear" and "be heard" in communication, and getting a better grasp on how to bring up my concerns. I'm also still feeling extremely hurt from my feelings being so disregarded. How do we build back up? I believe that people can change and grow and mature together, and that if both people are willing to work on an issue that it is worth trying. He's 31 and I'm 29.

[reinventmyself]

Just so I understand this correctly, he has an ex gf he exchanges porn with and lies to you about it?

He's willing to end this friendship for the sake of your relationship and now their friendship is up for renegotiation and you are trying to be ok with this?

Am I reading this correctly?

[charity]

I think it sounds like its worth a try. He lost you temporarily, he saw that it is a deal breaker for you and it has made him think about his priorities. Of course you would prefer it had never happened. But it did..... you asserted yourself.... and this is the best outcome of that. Best of luck to both of you.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are entering a slippery slope again. I never heard of sending "friends" porn.

 

If you take him back after 3 days of silent treatments you are condoning/forgiving it and therefore offering a free pass to sexting anyone, continue being "friends" with exes, cheat and do whatever he wants because only the repercussions are 3 days of the silent treatment and a lecture on having your feelings "heard".

 

Your intentions are good but unfortunately he simply has no respect for you. You don't need to continue to drone on about your "emotions" because he claims he'll stop and you already not only covered all that, but took a little 3 day break because of it. Books can't make you be "heard" if someone is unwilling to listen.

I snooped in his phone about 3 weeks ago and saw that he had sent her a porn gif from the internet.He still says that he does not have feelings for her, she's just an open person with no boundaries and they have been friends for a longlong time

same guy?

[gebaird]

she's just an open person with no boundaries

 

This statement is a huge red flag for me. I don't think he can have a friendship with a girl like this and still be with you. I know you are trying to be relaxed and cool about it, but it seems like you're not ready to let him go. If that's the case, your best option is to tell him to block this girl everywhere. He'll probably just become more secretive about his communication with her, though. I see serious trust issues here and don't predict that this will end well.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm with Wiseman and I see a ton more red flags here. I have a ton of male friends, neither I nor they have ever felt the need to share "porn." Just no, gah, shudders. It would be like receiving that from a brother--I'd immediately drop anyone who did that, because ew that's not a friendship thing to do.

 

Also the comment about her having no boundaries--uh excuse me, what about HIS lack of boundaries too. Nice way to throw a so-called friend under the bus to get what he wants. "Oh it's not me, it's her!"

 

Plus three days of you not speaking to him is not enough to either get you to stay gone long enough to seriously work through your own issues and feelings of betrayal to see this for what it really was OR for him to not realize "I can skirt issues with her, she'll break up, I wait a few days then apologize and I can continue doing what I did before."

 

Personally, I think his "reasons" and "excuses" are very thin ones that make no sense and I think you do too. The problem I see with this relationship is you've already taken over the role of Mom to tell him what to do or not do and he's taken on the role of child in that he's been doing something he knows isn't okay (come on, it's crap his whole throwing her under the bus "she doesn't have boundaries" excuse me what about YOUR BOUNDARIES, son?).

 

When you have to be a parent to a partner it's pretty much already a dead relationship. I don't see this recovering, because I don't see that either of you has changed anything--he's still going to be in contact with her and the first thing any mental health professional worth their salt tells a couple if one of them has strayed with someone else in any way is "That person needs to be cut out of both of your lives or there will forever more be trouble."

 

You've missed that he hasn't totally cut her out of his life, but is now negotiating how to keep her in it like you're his mom telling him to dump the friend who got him drunk and stoned and thrown in jail. "Come on Mom, he's not that bad, he's just misunderstood."

 

Such relationships are always toxic and no, they don't typically recover unless the one partner gives up all bad influences, grows up and shoulders real responsibility beyond "I didn't know that was bad behavior" excuses and ceases contact. I agree you shouldn't have to tell him to be friends with, he should be mature and emotionally healthy enough to know sending porn to a woman you once slept with and to be carrying on with her in front of a girlfriend is a deal breaker. And most women would already simply have left. I think you're going to regret not doing so yourself if you don't too. You still feel crappy about this, because I suspect you feel manipulated by him into "This is what you must do for me if you want to stay my girlfriend."

 

Maybe it's time to take a step back and take a more honest full inventory within yourself about what YOU want and WHY you can't or shouldn't be making your own demands. He's your partner. If you can't ask him to stop something that's putting undue strain on the relationship altogether then why even bother? How come your own needs and wishes in this seem to matter less than his?

[HeartGoesOn]

I've been reading up on some ideas around building intimacy and how to "hear" and "be heard" in communication, and getting a better grasp on how to bring up my concerns.

 

I think you're selling yourself short here. Rather than being a matter of finding a better way to bring up your concerns, you need to focus on his lack of respect towards you, as well as him being a repeat offender...so to speak.

 

In short my guess is he'll simply find better ways of covering his tracks, while you're in the background still trying to bring up your concerns. All and all, you deserve much more than what he's offering...

[boltnrun]

So he's looking for ways to get you to agree to keep her in his life, and you're looking for ways...to be OK with it?

 

Three days silence and reading books have led you right back to where you were to begin with.

 

I see no progress.

 

Are you that crazy about him that you're willing to do anything to keep him?

[elisa]

First, she asked to talk to me and I talked to her. She brought up that she has no boundaries and talks about sex with everyone she is friends with and asked a bunch of people for porn. So, he didn't tell me she doesn't have boundaries, and I certainly don't think she does. My boyfriend and I are also pretty open sexually and open minded, so the porn thing isn't as jarring to me as it is to a lot of people. Regardless of the level of severity that I do or should feel about that, it was still clearly crossing a boundary that I had asked for.

 

Also, I brought up wanting to find a way to be okay with them having some level of friendship, not him. I do. And there were times where I WAS fine with it, it was mainly that their communication increased a lot this year cuz she was having a hard time and called him a lot. I'd be totally fine if they were the type of friends who talk with life updates a few times a year and she visits when she is passing through town. Or maybe the occasional intentional visit for the purpose of getting a weekend trip in somewhere. She lives in another state. I really do think I would be fine with that, I don't want to cut people out of someone's life; they've known each other for like 10 years. It just needs to go to normal friend level, not best friend level. And, if we feel close and confident in our relationship, I'll know that even if there were some unresolved feelings, that they aren't a threat any more or that our feelings for one another outweigh any of those silly old feelings.

 

We had three days silence, a talk, and then a week of no contact. Then we started talking again and he stopped being defensive and had a deeper sense that he totally screwed up. He still says he has no feeling for her, but I guess it'd be weird either way if he did tell me that he did. It's not the point anymore anyway.

 

Do most of you just think it's a done deal, or is there something sensible I can ask him or expect him to do in this moment to make it right? Something I should be doing?

[HeartGoesOn]

It's a done deal, (imo).

 

I think you need to accept that you can't fix him, it is what it is. Again, and no offense, but you're continuing to sell yourself short, along with making excuses for his behaviour.

 

Think....

[boltnrun]

First, she asked to talk to me and I talked to her. She brought up that she has no boundaries and talks about sex with everyone she is friends with and asked a bunch of people for porn. So, he didn't tell me she doesn't have boundaries, and I certainly don't think she does. My boyfriend and I are also pretty open sexually and open minded, so the porn thing isn't as jarring to me as it is to a lot of people. Regardless of the level of severity that I do or should feel about that, it was still clearly crossing a boundary that I had asked for.

 

Also, I brought up wanting to find a way to be okay with them having some level of friendship, not him. I do. And there were times where I WAS fine with it, it was mainly that their communication increased a lot this year cuz she was having a hard time and called him a lot. I'd be totally fine if they were the type of friends who talk with life updates a few times a year and she visits when she is passing through town. Or maybe the occasional intentional visit for the purpose of getting a weekend trip in somewhere. She lives in another state. I really do think I would be fine with that, I don't want to cut people out of someone's life; they've known each other for like 10 years. It just needs to go to normal friend level, not best friend level. And, if we feel close and confident in our relationship, I'll know that even if there were some unresolved feelings, that they aren't a threat any more or that our feelings for one another outweigh any of those silly old feelings.

 

We had three days silence, a talk, and then a week of no contact. Then we started talking again and he stopped being defensive and had a deeper sense that he totally screwed up. He still says he has no feeling for her, but I guess it'd be weird either way if he did tell me that he did. It's not the point anymore anyway.

 

Do most of you just think it's a done deal, or is there something sensible I can ask him or expect him to do in this moment to make it right? Something I should be doing?

 

All I see from this lengthy post is that he wants to continue being "friends" with this other woman, and you are trying to convince us (and maybe yourself) that it really doesn't bother you. Not much anyway.

 

But if that were true, it wouldn't even be on your radar.

[Wiseman2]

He may have reassured you that he has "no feelings for her", but it seems you are ok with their friendship even if it is a bit more than just a friendship. Your bf seems happy with "her" lack of boundaries and seems to enjoy it.

My boyfriend and I are also pretty open sexually and open minded. Or maybe the occasional intentional visit for the purpose of getting a weekend trip in somewhere. they've known each other for like 10 years. It just needs to go to normal friend level, not best friend level.

[charity]

Okay so clearly I am the only one that thinks this warrants another chance. Sometimes stories come on here and I wonder are people mad, what they are willing to put up with. But this is not one of these stories in my opinion. In this story the guy has a friend, they clearly talk about sex in their friendship and the friend appears to do this with all her friends. Girlfriend feels uncomfortable and boyfriend didn't feel that this warranted any upset on her part.

 

I completely get that you were upset with what was happening. You clearly felt something was off about this...a bit more flirtation than was appropriate in a platonic friendship. And especially the fact that he dismissed how you felt about that. I think you were right to end it considering your hurt and suspicion. Am I right in saying you don't believe for a moment that he has cheated, rather that he was enjoying this person in a way that was beyond friendship territory and more into girlfriend territory?

 

So you split up and stopped all contact. Good. And he just realized what this all means! He just lost his girlfriend due to this 'friendship'. He has said to you that he is sorry, that he realizes he responded to you all wrong and that he will end the friendship to salvage this. Well I think this is good. It seems like this is the first time that he has realized that he cannot do this and have you at the same time. He has realized that this friendship is a serious threat.

 

From your post I gather that you said you'd be willing for them to keep their friendship but at a different level. He is ok with this and agreed to do that.

So look I'm not saying that this is all going to work out. It's sure possible that he has different boundaries to you and all this stuff will happen again. BUT it does seem to me that he has, for the first time seen the error of his ways. And he is truly sorry. And he is willing to cut off the friendship, or as you suggested alter it in a way that is not threatening to his relationship. I really hope he has learned from this. Do you feel he has?

If so, That to me is worth giving it a second chance.

[elisa]

Thanks charity. I do not think he has cheated and I really don't think he would. When I have looked at his texts with her, it's talking about personal stuff, mostly on her end. There's just something flirty about it, but she is flirty all of the time with everyone. Too many emojis and that sort of thing, but he responds with some of that too. There's never been texts between them talking about wanting to have sex together, or wanting to be with each other. But, still too close for my comfort because of their past; I've never been with a guy who has a close female friend honestly. He said he would re-set their friendship if and when and how I was ready. That works for me if he means it, and it's just sort of what we shoulda done in the beginning instead of now. I won't know how much he means it until we try to work things out. I'm open to the idea that they have no romantic feelings for one another, but maybe just caught in a weird flirty friendship for which I blame her for and him for falling for. Guys are so easy.

 

I've had friends like this, and nothing was actually going on, just being stupid and boundary-less; those friendships hurt my relationships in a lot of ways, and at minimum just made it easier not to care about my partner as much because I had someone else to flirt with and chat with. But I haven't had those friends for a long time because I learned my lesson; maybe he will learn his lesson here too. It took me years, and if he can come around to it like he sounds like he is, then maybe there's a chance. He said that if he has to choose, that he chooses me every time for so many reasons and that he is sorry for how he treated me and responded to my concerns. I love the guy... I'd like to see if this is something we can get through. Is that so insane? I'm here to ask if there are any ideas on how to build ourselves back up and what sort of ways we can work towards our goals of working through this together as a team. I'm cautiously optimistic.