Have I scared him away?

[Lady D]

Dear all, just posting because I'm upset right now, I feel foolish, I am trying to get over a serious love addiction that has blighted my life so far and now afraid I have again messed something up

There was somebody in my last job I felt an attraction to and I then left the job, I got the feeling we were both attracted as we both showed interest in eachother

I'll summarise the rest

 

Four months after I left the job I emailed him telling him about my new job, he said he was pleased for me and to " drop by if I am in the area " - so I email back and say yes I will drop by in a couple of weeks as I have no time until then and looking forward to seeing him ( I would have been working, he invited me to drop by his office )

 

I cannot really just drop by as other staff members work there and it would have looked weird so email him a few days before to say I'm thinking of dropping by Friday and get his out of office because he is away on holiday

 

Then I leave it and he emails me back as soon as he returns saying " sorry not to have responded last week. It would still be good to catch up with you "

So in a day I suggest another time I happened to be in his area and then, I didn't realise he didn't work that day - he emails again promptly and says " sorry I'm not about on Tuesdays. Still hoping to catch up "

 

Anyway I wonder then why he isn't suggesting another time - and I just feel like I sent an overly formal email that wasn't light, saying " yes it would be good to catch up, let me know when you are free, kind regards, LD " - my emails were lighthearted before

 

Now this is day three and nothing and on the brink of tears, yes it's wet, it's not so much that he hasn't responded yet but fear that what I wrote was terrible and I appear stupid

 

I guess it was fine though - and I don't want to do anything else, I'm afraid he won't reply - I am beating myself up, not necessarily because he may not be into me but because I'm scared I have been foolish putting the ball in his court and I seem pushy or too formal and businesslike

 

Please honestly, would you reassure me my email was fine, I feel I should have kept it more lighthearted! I feel I have screwed up so many times before - my inner critic is telling me I am dumb

I dread rejection and always think it must be my fault, thank you LD XX

[Batya33]

Your e-mail was fine. His suggestion to meet up was vague and casual and open-ended - if he wanted to make sure he had the opportunity to see you he would have nailed down a specific day and time or asked for your specific schedule.

 

He is up for seeing you if you happen to be in the area and if he happens to be around and if, if if. You are not high on his priority list and that is not a rejection in the least. He is simply not that interested in seeing you and you are far more interested in seeing him. It's ok. That's life, not everyone has to like you in the same way you like that person. Good for you for initiating contact and I would keep doing that. I would stop contacting this person and if he contacts you to set up a time to meet, great and if not you will have already moved on.

[Wiseman2]

It just sounds like a series of scheduling conflicts. It's not dating, so he's not offering an alternative time, because it's being left as a casual "would be great to catch up if you are in the area".

 

Try to be more definitive next time saying "Ill be in the area next Tue and the following Fri, let me know if that works for you, would love to finally catch up"

I emailed him telling him about my new job, he said he was pleased for me and to " drop by if I am in the area " - " sorry I'm not about on Tuesdays. Still hoping to catch up "

same workplace?

[SherrySher]

It sounds as though it's getting too complicated and although he was interested, you both keep batting the ball back and forth and no real plans or have even met up yet.

He may have just gotten discouraged with it all. Your email was fine, that doesn't sound like the problem, it was more about conflicting schedules.

[Lady D]

Thank you Batya, yes I was just going to leave it after this originally but now I'm wondering...I hope he replies soon

Wiseman2, I had already suggested two times though and the first time he was on holiday when I sent the email and missed it and the second time he isn't around and in his office that day, he is on the field - so I thought I would just ask when he would be around so we could actually, finally, arrange a date! I fear now too that I haven't been enthusiastic enough in my responses, I never know how to get the balance right - and yes I think it was the same workplace as that thread

Sherrysher, I hope he isn't discouraged, I really do hope so as I like him - my self esteem is still a bit battered and I didn't think he was really interested and was just saying drop by to be nice

 

But I'm thankful for your reassurances that my email was ok, I believed that was the only way that we might get together and if I asked about another time again I just felt like it could come across as me begging...lol

 

As long as the email was ok though...

 

Perhaps he is discouraged by these complications but I hope he will still reply - it had crossed my mind that perhaps he thought I wasn't keen? I don't know, but I'm used to scaring men off so have a dread of appearing too keen these days

I guess it looks like I'd like to though from my last email as I said it would be good to catch up, I asked him if he was free as I thought, I'd make the time for him if he was

 

Anyway!!!!!! Glad to hear you don't think I've done anything to scare him away! ;-)

 

LD x

[Wiseman2]

Try not to view this as a date. It would be best to keep it on the terms he suggested which are two former coworkers casually catching up. This is not a dating/relationship situation.

 

It's fine to contact him and ask when he would like to catch up.

I thought I would just ask when he would be around so we could actually, finally, arrange a date! I like him - my self esteem is still a bit battered and I didn't think he was really interested and was just saying drop by to be nice

[Lady D]

Thank you Wiseman2, yes that's what I keep reminding myself of, I can be a fantasist but we are not in a dating relationship by any means, appreciate your advice, LD

PS LOL I meant a date to meet up, not an actual date!

[Sophi]

I agree with what others have said, your email was fine and casual - just like the entire exchange. I hope he replies with suggested day/time soon, but feel it would be perfectly fine to follow up with him after some time has passed if he didn't.

[Lady D]

Thank you very much Sophi for your reassurance, yes I hope he replies soon, we'll see if I need to follow up again, hopefully not but see what happens

[abitbroken]

I don't get a read that he sees you as a romantic interest from what you have written (and that might be because I didn't observe the two of you in the day to day). He has not suggested "Great, let's go to dinner next time you are in town". His response is more on the lines of maybe you would happen to stop by the office, etc. I would consider him someone on the professional level, only, unless you find out otherwise - you actually DO meet up with him and HE suggests more. If he does "like" you he is probably playing it safe.

 

Also, keep in mind he may not have been into you as you think - he may like you as a person - but unless on the last day of work he asked for your number and told you he'd like to get a coffee/drink some time he might not be interested in dating.

 

I would not make an effort to be in his town. If you happen to be there, send him a note ahead of time, but don't plan around it.

[Lady D]

Hi abitbroken, that's the thing, I really don't know, I did see him on my last day of work in the town and I never normally see him there near my place of work so I thought he may have appeared there on purpose, however I was with my mum and I was quite down that day so I pretended I hadn't spotted him there

Also when we were working together he would often appear in my vicinity, walk by my desk and asked me a lot of questions about myself such as whether I had a degree etc - also once saw him watching me doing my shopping which was strange through the shop window and there was long protracted eye contact between us, I couldn't quite make it all out

 

We were professionally involved because he supported me when I was being bullied in the workplace, this makes me think though, perhaps he's only being nice to me for this reason, I just don't know anything....

 

So it may indeed not be romantic at all, I don't know, I am not at all sure he is into me in that way but I can be a fantasist and get carried away with a fantasy rather than a reality, perhaps I have conjured something up in my head that was never actually there X

[Batya33]

Since you left the job, if he wanted to ask you out on a proper date he could have done so (if working together was the obstacle) . I would not get my hopes up that he meant this as anything other than a casual "stop by if you're in the area" kind of thing.

[sisgoldenhair]

I don't think you need to worry about your email at all; your tone was fine, and it's just a matter of sorting out what time you are both available. If he's continued back and forth so many times to figure out a time to meet up, I don't think he's uninterested in catching up with you. If he didn't want to see you, it seems that he would just say, "Sorry, not available" and leave it at that. I don't think men have too much of a problem saying "no;" I think that's more of a construct assigned to women in Western culture. Generally speaking, if a man doesn't want to do something, he doesn't get pushed into it. He finds a way to say "no." Saying "Sorry, not available" would an easy let-down; he keeps saying he wants to catch up, so I think it's reasonable to assume he actually does still want to catch up.

 

As far as it having been a few days since you emailed him your last email (the one in question), I'd say definitely don't worry about that. It sounds like he rarely responds to emails immediately (he didn't before, either) and even with smartphones, emailing isn't like texting. It's not instant, or, we don't perceive it culturally as instant communication. The ball definitely should be in his court; you've thrown out a couple suggestions for a time to meet up, so now it's perfectly acceptable to ask when he is available.

 

It sounds like you might be overthinking it; just let it ride. When he responds just sort out a time to meet up. That's all. If he doesn't respond, then you know he's a little bit flaky. I don't say that because it's wrong for him to not be interested; I say that he'd be flaky because he keeps saying he wants to meet up.

 

Just remember, you're not dating, and this isn't a date--so you don't have the pressure on it! If you view it in those terms it could help you feel less stressed out about it. He's not viewing it as a date on his end, which may be why he isn't treating it with any urgency, but it also means he's not over-analyzing and trying to "figure out" what your emails mean. So you don't have to think about it either!

[Lady D]

Thank you so much for your reassuring words, there's a complication to this though that may explain him saying he would like to meet but not arranging a time

 

We were former coworkers as you know and he works for an organisation affiliated to my employer and ranks very high up, I have not amended my details and officially I am still with his branch

 

It might have been easier to arrange a meeting if I did literally just " drop by " - he is emailing from his company email, may explain why he is hesitant to organise a meeting, his position has responsibility, he counsels and is in a position of trust, I am emailing from my private mail

 

So it's all very complicated!

 

I was happy though to see the replies I got, they made me feel better, this is tricky though

It may be wishful thinking on my part that he's treading carefully because of his position, I just don't know but I could arrange transfer to the other branch

He can't call me on my mobile either I guess because anything could be classed as " harassment "

 

Excuse me if all of this sounds a bit Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy! Hope I don't sound a fruit loop! A paranoid sandwich short of a picnic but we do work for local Government

 

Add into the mix that I am quite a bit younger than him too and you will see why he may be cautious, he is an " elected official " ~ or maybe it's simple and he isn't that interested haha I don't want to sound a bighead, saying yep it must be because of his position he hasn't emailed me but it is a possibility, there were signs he liked me Xxx