thoughts on recent break up?

[3rdtime]

Well, after a year of not being able to break it off, we finally just kinda let it diffuse. Long story short, she was madly in love, I couldn't break it off because I didn't want to hurt her. Never seemed like the right day. So, obviously as we all know, all I did was hurt her the entire relationship. Sometimes ignoring, sometimes blatantly dipping out of places she kinda stalked at when we were taking a break. She was extremely .....extremely needy and when I first met her, she was my parents neighbor and I saw a bunch of guys in and out of her house on the daily. Different guys staying the night. She apparently just absolutely needs a man at all times...needs to be validated.

 

Anywho, we dragged each other through the mud for a year pretty much. I told her I didn't want a relationship form the get-go, but kept hanging out. We were most definitely moving towards being together but naturally I wasn't putting down the wall. We "broke up" countless times. Obviously toxic. She would say "ok, I'm blocking you, I can't see you, we're finally finished," and then the next day go meet one of my co workers and try to convince them to convince me to let her come over. It was a mess. But I kept letting it happen because the poor girl was head over heels and I was afraid of hurting her anymore (I'm very aware that this is wrong/counterproductive)

 

Even the last time we talked we said okay we're just friends, and then she proceeded to tell me she got condoms at the store for us. (another big kicker here was that I was enjoying the sex, and her extreme caretaker mentality) She was an absolute sweetheart..anything to keep me around. Would trudge through a hurricane to bring me soup if I was sick...

 

So I finally ignored her when she got on to me for not responding a certain way to her mom being sick. I wasn't "there for her"..I was having a great day and wasn't in the mood to be chastised again so I ignored her. Meanwhile she has me blocked on EVERYTHING even while we're hanging out. 3rd time she's done this. Well, I ignore her, and I find out she's been talking to a friend now 3 days later. Slept with him. They're "seeing each other" apparently. Now, after ignoring her plea about her mother, she has me once again blocked on every outlet, phone, everything. Which is okay with me. This needed to happen at some point. But she went after a friend. Of course, but now, sitting in quiet...with my own thoughts rampant...I feel really guilty for treating her like crap.

 

She was sweet, LOVED ME TO DEATH, and would do anything for me. I just used her. I was careless. She let it happen as well. I didn't care, and didn't care from the beginning. I realize I have my issues here as well. I did like her, we were friends and there were a bunch of times the intimacy was there.

 

So now with the extreme guilt here, how do I deal? Let it just take it's course and never speak again? Maybe try and reach out after some diffusal? We, on top of all of this, were most definitely close. We talked every day. But now I'm just kind of ridden with guilt and I want her to be happy. I wasn't scum to her all the time. We most definitely had 50/50 of bad versus really genuine happy times. The main thing was that she was so needy it disgusted me and we never really talked it through to well. I just want to tell her I'm sorry and I never want her to feel unwanted or worthless. Should I reach out? Thoughts?

[gebaird]

I think if you show up on her radar at all, even to apologize or get closure or something, you're going to get sucked back into the toxicity. If your guilt is the genuine kind that leads to making actual changes, your best "apology" is going to be moving on and staying far away. What's best for her happens to be best for you as well. You'll never heal if you keep going back to her.

[3rdtime]

I think if you show up on her radar at all, even to apologize or get closure or something, you're going to get sucked back into the toxicity. If your guilt is the genuine kind that leads to making actual changes, your best "apology" is going to be moving on and staying far away. What's best for her happens to be best for you as well. You'll never heal if you keep going back to her.

 

Thanks for the response. I just feel if I don't, she'll think I'm a horrible person because I know she's going to think it's because I didn't care. But you're right, seeing her isn't the best idea for either of us.

[gebaird]

she'll think I'm a horrible person

 

Who cares what she thinks? You've spent the last year trying to protect her emotions and look where it's gotten you. In the long run, ripping that band-aid off in one quick motion is going to be best for you both. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, you may feel guilty and miss her. But you'll get your life back, you'll get yourself back. She'll probably go on in the same broken way as before, but at least you won't be affected by her dysfunction anymore.

[eg88]

Going through a similar situation.

 

Except I'm a woman, and I'm the one trying to leave my ex. Without crushing him terribly.

It just never seems to end, as you said, it never feels like the right day. I'm moving across country in 11 days to be exact and he still thinks he's coming. He's not.

 

From my personal opinion-I will never speak to him again. It would hurt him more if I did. And it would hurt me more knowing I'm hurting him. It's just not okay to drag people on, personally I feel like I have done, and going to do far too much damage. This man would too, tough it out in a hurricane to bring me soup. I lost 100% attraction though, the thought of sex with him makes me want to vomit. That's how bad it is. And I withhold, I've withheld for 3 months now. Hoping he'll just leave me to make it better for him. But he never leaves.

 

It just hurts all parties after a breakup. Once it's done, it's done.

[SherrySher]

Let her be. She does not need your attention out of guilt..all you will do is confuse her even more.

She has moved on, so let her.

[3rdtime]

Going through a similar situation.

 

Except I'm a woman, and I'm the one trying to leave my ex. Without crushing him terribly.

It just never seems to end, as you said, it never feels like the right day. I'm moving across country in 11 days to be exact and he still thinks he's coming. He's not.

 

From my personal opinion-I will never speak to him again. It would hurt him more if I did. And it would hurt me more knowing I'm hurting him. It's just not okay to drag people on, personally I feel like I have done, and going to do far too much damage. This man would too, tough it out in a hurricane to bring me soup. I lost 100% attraction though, the thought of sex with him makes me want to vomit. That's how bad it is. And I withhold, I've withheld for 3 months now. Hoping he'll just leave me to make it better for him. But he never leaves.

 

It just hurts all parties after a breakup. Once it's done, it's done.

 

 

This! I guess I really tried to push her out for 6 months. Nothing ever worked. It's horrible but that's what happened. Now it has happened and it still feels very breakupy but it's what I wanted. I just can't believe she's not taking time for herself and drowning a moment with some random guy she just met. Not healthy either.