Bf still talks to at least two girls he's slept with

[Sunshines101]

I just need some advice ... My bf and I have been dating for 9 months.

He still actively talks to one "friend" he has slept with apparently once and out of "convenience " when he was single. She often texts late at night as well ... I have met her and she is a part of his friend group... She is also a teacher at his sons school.... The other lives 4 hours away and he says only she initiates conversations every now and then (haven't met her) and he's avoided telling me how she was a friend until yesterday also didn't tell me he had been intimate with the other one until yesterday (deep down I already had questions). My question is is it healthy or possessive to ask him to stop these relationships .... He already offered to if it was something I was uncomfortable with but I don't feel I have a right to tell another person what to do .... I have to admit I still have contact with some of my exes but they weren't one night stands and I also would stop communication if he advised me he was uncomfortable .... I've never been in a healthy relationship with anyone so have no basis on which to go off .... Please help ...

[Ms Darcy]

It is fine to take him up on his offer. It makes you uncomfortable. Honor that concern.

[Seymore]

Well, you're uncomfortable and he told you he would if you were uncomfortable...

 

If you were hungry and wanted a cookie and someone offered you a cookie would you turn it down?

 

If one is texting late at night, I especially don't think that's cool. If someone was a convenience for sex, I don't get why they'd still be around, or a "friend". But that's just me. Some people will get into "The past is the past, yadda yadda" but I don't think you'd be out of line to talk about how you feel.

 

I've asked girlfriends to stop contact with three men, out of the girls I've dated: One was a former booty call of an ex and still leaving late night messages while I was right there, the second was sending messages telling another ex to leave me and that he was in love with her, and the third was another former FB of an ex messaging her to "sit on his face". I don't think any of those should have even required me to ask to stop contacting them.

[Wiseman2]

If he wants to be more exclusive try not to play the "cool gf" and tell him it's fine to chat with all his prior conquests if it really isn't. Be true to yourself, particularly since he seems to be honest and respectful of your feelings/boundaries.

He already offered to if it was something I was uncomfortable with but I don't feel I have a right to tell another person what to do

[JJdilemma]

Sunshines101,

I did read your whole post.. But honestly, I didn't need to. Listen, I'm a mature guy nowadays,.. but I did not have the best boyfriend reputation growing up. Needless to say, happy or not, I rarely resisted any urges to mess around with any ex I continued to socialize with. friends? I don't think so. Most guys will tell you what you want to hear. "Sure, if you're uncomfortable I'll cut off being late night text buddies". When I was unfaithful I didn't even have text messaging. Personally, I feel you do have the right to tell him what he should & shouldn't do.

A: you are in a relationship & it's a 9 monther.

B. I can assure you if the roles were reversed he wouldn't appreciate it.

C. You say you are not aware of what a healthy relationship is. It's time to either start having 1 or go find 1. There are plenty of good guys out ther and having old ex girlfriends texting them @ night isn't something some would allow or consider. Tell this guy how you feel, be stern, be strong or this will end w/ him cheating if he hasn't already. For him to say something as immature as "sleeping w/ someone out of convenience" is just downright "boyish" & 1 last thing.. If you are in a relationship, ex's should not be in the backround. They are safety nets for each other. I find it disrespectful to you. Have some self respect and be your own boss. Good luck & read this more than once!

 

Stay strong girlie!

JJ 🙂

[Sunshines101]

Hia full comment about the sleeping together was it was convent or mutually agreed upon by both ... Drinking and it kinda just happend .... Do you still have the same view on that particular comment as just the shortens version ? The whole situation is even more complicated with exes and kids on both sides and no firm boundaries with his ex as well ... Ugh thank you for your reply I've read it a few times ... I am trying this time around not to miss red flags and pay attention to things I hadn't in the past .... But sometimes wonder by me doing that if I'm looking for things as well

[PICCOLLO]

I was on the receiving end of this dilemma a year ago. The relationship ended due to the fact she was cheating.

 

Talk it out and set some ground rules that you're both comfortable with. Also, meet the people you are concerned about. Nothing is more telling than how your partner acts towards you and them with you both present.

 

Late night messaging is not cool.

One on one dates with them isnt a good idea if you dont feel comfortable with it. A public coffee might be acceptable.

 

Asking him to cut ties with these people isnt necessarily unreasonable but curbing contact might be a happy medium. I am still in regular contact with two people Ive slept with; one is a good plutonic friend now. It would never become anything else and I wouldnt be happy to be asked to give them up. But I'd go out of my way to ensure my girlfriend was comfortable with the relationship.

[JJdilemma]

I agree with piccolo on a couple things, I too am in touch w/ some ex's, i do consider them friends, I am currently single tho but would not have any contact with them if I weren't (unless) it was to inform them of a death or wedding they might need to know about.

 

I also agree about meeting his extext friends. Will 1 or both of them squirm or seem uncomfortable? You know him & you know how girls are.. You already met 1 did you get any odd vibes at all?

 

I understand what you are saying about mutual sex, I just think the way you worded it (or it was worded by him) is still a "oh it was nothing" comment to put you at ease. Hey maybe it was nothing but again, as I guy.. That sounds like BS 101 to me. Lots of guys make up lies to cover other lies lol. Just be careful & don't be afraid to be suspicious. You just might save yourself & your heart lots of time.

 

JJ

[mustlovedogs]

Ehh. I can understand why you're uncomfortable, but here's my two cents:

 

There are two guys I had one night stands with years ago. We were friends before, hooked up drunkenly, and are still friends. We don't talk often, maybe a handful of times a year. I literally have no feelings for either of them at all and I know they don't have feelings for me.

 

If one of them told me they couldn't talk to me anymore because their girlfriend didn't like it, my first thought would be "oopf. Poor guy. She's a control freak."

 

Now, the one that texts him all the time - I think that's a bit concerning. He may not have feelings for her, but it's possible she does. I think it's fair to ask him to reduce contact, but totally eliminating contact with friends feels controlling to me.

[Sunshines101]

Well that was my thoughts about being controlling however the information wasn't provided up front and even when approached about it was awkward and uncomfortable for him to tell me ... If it truly is nothing ok... Then it should have been easy I have been up front from the start about the ones I'm in contact with.... My words to him were I don't have the right to tell him what to do that's not my place however I am uncomfortable with it all and wasn't suprised that there was some history because of her body language when I met her ....

[ParisPaulette]

What is totally normal is the two of you have the talk about boundaries and what is and isn't acceptable. The only relationships I ever had trouble with were those I didn't clearly state my boundaries on and have a talk about what their boundaries were. (Too few of those BTW, right up until my second marriage actually when I decided to do it right.)

 

It's time to have the boundaries talk regardless. And that's what is normal. In healthy relationships potential conflicts or things that make one partner uncomfortable get discussed and things get worked out, so both parties are happy. He doesn't sound like he's terribly concerned about stopping the contact or anything, so yes have that talk. And no, she really shouldn't be texting or calling him late at night and my hunch is maybe she's a weensy bit more interested in him than he is her.

 

So yeah, time to put a stop to late night contact from exes. She can contact him during normal daylight hours if it's anything urgent or maybe you all can go out to lunch together. Who knows, you might gain a friend or two like I and my husband did with each other's friends including on his side one ex and on my side two close male friends.

[SoulTaker]

I have to admit I still have contact with some of my exes but they weren't one night stands and I also would stop communication if he advised me he was uncomfortable .... I've never been in a healthy relationship with anyone so have no basis on which to go off .... Please help ...

 

Can you explain how your "exes" are okay, but his friends are not? You did sleep with your "exes". It's like you got some type of moral issue with these women. Also, why should you be getting into his business as far as details on them?

 

I've never provided details on any people from my past, nor did I ask them about their past. I live in the present. The only thing I do want to know is if anyone from their past is going to be a problem in the present. What you're doing is the opposite of a healthy relationship (controlling). If someone was to grill me about my past, I'd leave them in a heartbeat. They're not worth dealing with.

 

Before doing anything else, the two of you should establish some boundaries in this area (e.g. texting late at night, texting too much,...). As "Seymore" has noted, it depends on whether these two women are being disrespectful. If they are, then it fits outside of the boundaries you've established, and you have good reason to remove them.

 

If you want to go extreme, then reach an agreement where you will get rid of your "exes", and he will get rid of these women, and be done with it (but it could put you in a negative light with him).

[j.man]

Well it's obvious that sweeping your own boundaries under the rug hasn't done you too well so far. I don't think continuing to bottle them up will fare you much better.

 

What's unfortunate is how long you've waited to consider asserting yourself on this. I'll admit that my girlfriend and I initially had a big boundary dispute pretty much right upon becoming exclusive and I initially tried to play it cool, but ultimately decided to nip it at the bud. I feel like when you're new into it, it's much easier to lay the ground rules as you haven't really had the time to establish enough trust for your partner to feel personally doubted. "When we were just dating, it was none of my business, but I gotta let you know for me, personally, I can't have [x] or [x] going on in a relationship. I have no desire at all to control you, but I do gotta know if this is something you feel you have to do so that I can make a decision for myself."

 

I suppose it's neither here nor there at this point, but consider it for the next boundary dispute that comes up, whether with him or another man down the road. When you let something slide and then make it an issue, there's going to be that question of "what changed?"

 

Again, I'd take him up on his offer and thank him for meeting your relationship needs.

[leseine7]

I just need some advice ... My bf and I have been dating for 9 months.

He still actively talks to one "friend" he has slept with apparently once and out of "convenience " when he was single. She often texts late at night as well ... I have met her and she is a part of his friend group... She is also a teacher at his sons school.... The other lives 4 hours away and he says only she initiates conversations every now and then (haven't met her) and he's avoided telling me how she was a friend until yesterday also didn't tell me he had been intimate with the other one until yesterday (deep down I already had questions). My question is is it healthy or possessive to ask him to stop these relationships .... He already offered to if it was something I was uncomfortable with but I don't feel I have a right to tell another person what to do .... I have to admit I still have contact with some of my exes but they weren't one night stands and I also would stop communication if he advised me he was uncomfortable .... I've never been in a healthy relationship with anyone so have no basis on which to go off .... Please help ...

 

Your last line caught me: "I've never been in a healthy relationship with anyone so have no basis on which to go off."

 

Do you classify THIS as a healthy relationship?

 

It's sweet of him (sarcasm) to offer to stop texting these other flings (not friends, sorry), but wouldn't it be sweeter if he never felt the need to be in touch with former sexual partners?

 

I get that some people like to maintain friendships with people they've been intimate with before. But usually I find the underlying reason is the need to still have someone in the wings, or to pump the ego, or to potentially hook up with again. In any case, it's the furthest thing from healthy.

[Sunshines101]

By contact I meant I still hear from them on occasion my son works for one of them so I have to speak with him on occasion.... The other I will get a message from maybe twice a year or so asking how life is... It's not daily or on a regular basis ... But would be quite fine to put a stop to it