Mistakenly Broke Up

[ErrorsCorrect]

Hi I've been lurking for the last week.

Please excuse any typo or spelling mistakes as I'm writing this on my phone.

 

A little bit background about my life and reactions to things.

I've had some trouble with ppl I care for or love abandoning me or what I perceive as abandonment.

This makes me push ppl away when I'm upset about things.

 

Right to what I'm wanting advise on and to vent a little because I can feel myself becoming more and more confused by the day.

 

I broke up with my g/f of 4 and a half years.

The main reason due to me owning up about being unfaithful after keeping it to myself for around a year and half.It was a mistake, I knew it and just thought I'll tell myself it never happened.

Obviously this is a foolish thing to think because It had and it then went about eating away at me and in a way the relationship.

I've basically became quite anti social and started smoking far to much pot.

The pot was always an issue with the Mrs. She Didn't like and I cut it down to only a small amount providing I took care of my duties as in paid her enough attention and when I say attention I'm talking go for walks, picnics, the odd drink as we both don't really drink anyway.(she doesn't expect much)

I've not been doing this and on top of that I've been grumpy, none affectionate and unloving.

It had got to the point that I convinced myself I didn't love her.

With all that we still had a strong relationship as we get on so well.

I'm very honest with her but couldn't be with this I had done.

Pretty much why i told her in the end because she thought it was her fault the relationship was failing and I couldn't have her blaming herself when I was to blame.

I told her this back in November and we finally broke up in July.

We are still good friends and I believed I didn't love her anymore but I was either working or stoned for the last 18 months or hating myself.

So we broke up but carried on seeing each other but not in a sexual way.

Over past couple of months i stated realizing that I love her so much and have really messed up because she's actually from the other side of the world and has become home sick due to my neglect and my bs.

What's happened recently what really brought all these feeling home. We have just been to Los Angeles and Amsterdam for five days as it was already booked.

I should of guessed it would make things worse as we've been a few holidays and they've all been great. If we spend any quality time together we always have a great time and become a unit. (Life and myself got in the way of me remembering these facts.)

The holiday was great and it confirmed the feeling I thought I had.

So we come back last week and I tried to mirror her and the way she acts which is to remain strong. My chracter is that if something bothering me that it is painfully obvious something up.

So we come back I say nothing she goes home and I go home still on good terms.(the plan was to talk on holiday but both didn't want to ruin it)

 

I get back from the holiday and as soon as I close the door I couldn't stop crying.

So with my chracter I text saying that I missed her etc and I was wrong to let her go because she's my world.

There has been a lot of talking over last week but she says she feels lost and heart broken.

So after a couple of brutally honest emails from both side we well I decided we should try no contact for a bit of time to give her time to digest the stuff I've said.

That lasted one day! I went to work lasted four hours of me working my arse off and as soon as I stopped I broke down in tears. Imagine blokey bloke balling uncontrollably in work.

So I went home but still didn't contact her even though ever thing in my body wanted to just talk to her because that what we do.

She then contacted me about 10pm the same day saying she's been a mess all day and we've started talking again.

We agreed we possibly shouldn't but it come so natural for us to talk.

I have now declared my love her and willingness to change the things she didn't like about me as they were on my list of things to fix and I also would do anything to get her back.

She's asked me to emigrate in the past but me being selfish pain I am didn't even consider it or think it through not even for a second.

Now with this time to think I've been foolish to turn it down with absolutely nothing keeping me here.

Her plan is to go back to her home country for a couple of months and then going traveling for two months in America or something.

What I proposed is that she give us another year or two and I'll sort my self out then go with her.

She still loves me she told me and I can tell.

I always thought she would give me another chance but with my bs over the last 18 months,and my indiscretion I've now confused her.

We had so many plans what I was willing to risk and take her granted because I haven't been in love the last year but merely existing.

I thought I wanted to be a single man but now I realize I want love and I want the love I had with her.

 

I know most comment will say I'm a piece of beep who deserve what I'm getting and I would quite possible agree. but I can see things clearly now and I've messed up really badly because she really is an amazing women.

 

My thought today is see if she want to meet up traveling after she's been home. ( just spoke to her and told her this, agreed to talk later)

 

Anyway there plenty I'm leaving out but let's start with this.

 

She is very selfless is my lady, and I have been but not of late. I'm trying to rebuild us and also trying to give her the time and attention what should of already been there.

Also stopped the weed as well, started being a bit social able as well. Can't rush the socializing bit just yet because I'm currently dealing with a lot of emotions but the weed has stopped.

 

Sorry about essay.

[ErrorsCorrect]

Why i cheated? was due to her mum n dad coming to stay often and it getting on my nerves. basically done for no reason as things were great when i actually done it. wasn't taking life seriously as i took for granted the great relationship i was in.

also thought i was jack the lad at 38. i need and needed to grow up but was spiralling out of control.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say, but you should be single for now. Blaming your cheating on her reveals that you are not ready to be in a relationship.

Why i cheated? was due to her mum n dad coming to stay often and it getting on my nerves.

[gebaird]

This relationship has been through a LOT. You are both battle-scarred, and it sounds like she is wary about giving it another go with you. I understand your feelings have changed, you are seeing the world in a different way and acknowledging the mistakes you've made. But she is probably wondering if the change is real and lasting, if it's really going to work this time or if it will be like every other time before.

 

My advice: keep doing what you're doing, keep working to improve your life. She may or may not take you back, but these changes you are making need to happen anyway. You can't change the past, but you can be a different man starting today. It might be too late to save the relationship, but it's never too late to be a better person.

[Tick]

I'm not that kind like other users here do.

 

yeah indeed like you say, you are a piece of beep that acts without thinking of others feeling. I think you wasn't satisfied in your relation for certain reasons otherwise you won't be unfaithful and doing things that hurt her.

You just let it come. Plus you should be happy to have such a kind (ex-gf) which you throw it away.

You aren't ready for relationship.

 

Did you apologize to her at least?