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Family wedding but estranged father attending. What do I do?


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Ok. Here is goes. I am not great at typing things up so sorry if its not 100% easy to read.


My father and I have never been close. When I was 5 my mum left him as he was a deadbeat. Used to pretend to go to work and just stay at the park etc. My earliest memories are him shouting at my mother. I never asked her but Im sure he hit her.



I used to have to get changed for school at the bus stop so we didn't wake him up.



So... best decision ever. She left him. I had contact every other weekend. Quite often he wouldn't turn up. 1 occasion I was at a contact centre and I played with a real mini steam train. That er was awesome. A guard kept me company. I never realized the guard wasn't my dad.



Moving forward I moved to Asia when I was 10 for 2 years. He called me once.



Time travel.... I am 20 now. I have a kid on the way (not planned) so I try to sort myself out. Save up for a place etc. So to get some cash I go stay with my dad and his new fiance (already been married twice). Place is a dive. I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom top to toe as hairs and mess everywhere. Hated it. the reason I stayed was it was rent free and I could work and keep all the cash to get own place with my pregnant gf (who i traveled for 5 hours each way every weekend to see her).



So..... 1 night Dad argues with fiance. Now my past haunted me and I couldn't take it. So I just up and left.



I got texts saying I had no respect and he would "teach me respect". Never once did he ask why I might have left. All I got was messages saying the stuff I left he would only give back so he could "teach me respect". Now most of the messages were very aggressive. I didn't reply as I didn't want to "poke the bear".



Next thing he runs up to my mums house and drops a letter off. Saying I lied all the time, never helped round the house etc. All of it lies itself.



Since then I decided to cut ties. I have not spoken or seen him in 9 years. I have 2 kids and they are doing so well. They have everything I didn't have from a father.



Now the crux.



My Gran is getting married. I want to go but my dad has been invited. Invited despite his own siblings dont want to see him and my step sister is uninvited as he is going. My dad has 3 kids with different moms and we all disowned him.



My daughter is due to be a bridesmaid and at 8 years old that is amazing for her and she loved her gran.


I don't want to put myself into a situation with my dad and I don't want him to try to bond with my kids or even talk to them to be honest.... Now this isn't out of spite. But my kids don't know he exists and I don't want them to. He is not part of our life for a good reason.



What do I do?



I would like to say cancel dads invite as his own siblings and kids don't want him there and re-invite my step sister as she is in bits she is not going. As she said this is the first time she is not being treated like a blood granddaughter.





**tl;dr** were my scummy dad will attend/should I go?

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Sounds like a lot of stress on not just you but other people. I would not go, personally, and I would save your gift and offer to take out your gran and her husband for dinner to catch up and give a gift there. You can even explain, you would have liked to be there but your dad was there and you two have a lot of bad history and so you felt it was better that he does not see you or your family. That's it. If gran is a reasonable person, she would understand and she will appreciate you taking her out for dinner and the gift.


You and your dad have a lot of bad blood. I would not go and cause stress to yourself and potentially have him manipulate your children.

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I would call up your Gran and explain that you aren't able to attend. There doesn't have to be a whole lot of explanations, people with families have to work or have sick kids or can't get away, or whatever reason.

Then plan to meet her as Fudgie mentioned, and give her a gift and dinner out together with her and her new husband at another time.

You will save yourself a lot less stress and by the sounds of it, you don't need the drama or for this man to cause you or your family anymore hardship.

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I wouldn't go either nor have my children around a volatile, aggressive man who felt he could threaten his own grown daughter just because she chose not to be around to clean up after him. He was mad about losing maid service that day and clearly has zero respect for women.


I've had conflicts like this in my family and honestly the stress it involves plus the very real possibility of shouting and upsets at someone's wedding make it not worth it. I like Fudgie's suggestion of a gift and a dinner afterwards, but no. When someone is that toxic you do not have to be there with them or subject your children to them. He may be blood kin, but family are the people in your hearts and if he's not in your heart (and with very good reason from what you convey through your post) there is zero reason to be around him.

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If your Gran and daughter understand why you are not going, then don't go. If you want to go for their sake, be there for them and avoid, ignore him.

My Gran is getting married. I want to go but my dad has been invited.

My daughter is due to be a bridesmaid and at 8 years old that is amazing for her and she loved her gran.

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