Don't know how to handle this

[gcr79]

Hello All,

 

Late last year I was headhunted for a dream job that mean relocating my family and I. After long discussions with my partner about the situation we agreed that the opportunity was too good to turn down and we decided to take the job and relocate to Milan. As our two children are young ( 4 & 1) it would be easy for them to settle into school.

 

In making the decision my partner was more for taking this opportunity than me. I was hesitating a bit because there would be a little traveling involved and I don't want to be away from my family too much. Another reason I was hesitating was that she liked to have a bottle of wine each night and sometimes more. It would her totally unconscious. I brought that up and she promised she would would give up drinking. We had about 3 months until I started the job and about 6 months until we moved we were both very excited.

 

After 3 months I started the job which meant working from home in London and occasionally traveling to Milan or other European countries for a few days. The very first business trip I went on I called home that evening and I could tell my partner had already been drinking. We argued about it and she assured me that she had a couple of glasses with dinner and that was it. We spoke the next day and agreed this cannot happen again. After a few weeks I had to go for a business trip for 5 days. Before the trip my partner and I had long discussions about drinking and she assured me that she is finished with it altogether. The very first night I was away it happened again. When I called the next morning she already drunk. I was in shock and called her mother to quickly go to our house to take care of the kids. The situation spiraled and she went went into rehab for 7 weeks not long after this. With the support of family I was able to continue to work. I told my boss that my partner had to get medical treatment (didn't say what exactly) and I had to delay relocating to Milan. He was very supportive and told me to continue what I'm doing from London.

 

After 7 weeks have passed my partner came out of rehab. She was like a new person. I felt very confident. I soon had a business trip coming up and I felt more confident going on this trip more than any other before. Even in more work I could notice I was much more focused. I called home that evening and everything was ok. Called home the next morning and everything was ok. Few more weeks passed and I was feeling ready to start making the move to Milan she was not drinking anymore and we were all very happy.I went on another trip for a couple of days. When I called home at lunchtime on the first day she was drunk, I couldn't believe it. I called her mother to go down again. I could feel the anxiety all over my body. I was asking my self why did I take this job? and how did I get into this mess? Is she able to stop. She has been going to AA meetings for a while now and she is pushing me to make the move to Milan that I have delaying again and again.

 

I don't know what to do here. If we move to Milan I won't have family nearby if I go on a business trip. I can't take that risk with my kids. I don't know how to approach this with my boss either. They have invested a lot in me and I don't want to burn my bridges. I feel like I'm backed into a corner. I would love for the Milan adventure to work as it would be great for my kids future but can that happen?

 

I would love to hear some advice on where I should go from here. Has anyone been I a similar situation.

 

Thanks for reading this. Regards,

 

GC.

[SherrySher]

There comes a time when you get to a point of realisation that your partner will not change. How long has this been going on? Has she gone into addictions counselling?

Have you sat down with her and told her she must quit or this is over with?

 

This is also only a matter of time where social services will be called if others start noticing her behavior and feel that the children are in danger.

It's time now that you put your foot down with her and tell her the drinking stops or you will seek a divorce.

 

You've run out of options here and you've given her the benefit of the doubt many times over. It's up to her now to quit once and for all, or none of this is going to work.

 

I think it's coming time as well that you be honest with your boss and let him know what's been going on. I don't think Milan is the right move for now at all.

What matters most here, is your children and you need all the support from family and friends who are right there with you and them.

[SkellyWoozle]

Your children are the most important in all of this (trust me, I've been there on this issue for the past XXXX years). Your wife has two options. To change, or not to change. But only she can make that decision. I have realised, over the years, that no matter what, an alcoholic rarely has the total capacity to see what they're missing out on. Or if they do, there is nothing they can do about it - the nature of addiction sees to that. Giving her the benefit of the doubt allows her to carry on without consequence and therefore continue to push the boundaries until something DOES/WILL have to give. More than likely social services being called, her going to rehab, or you getting a divorce. You can't do everything yourself, no matter how hard you try to make your wife see. Tell your boss and see what happens. There is a possibility (if any of your colleagues has met your wife) that they already have an idea already that something isn't right. Take care and hope everything works out for you all X

[Wiseman2]

You need do what is best for the kids and unfortunately you're right, you can't leave them with an alcoholic. Can you break up with this partner and get sole custody and a nanny or someone responsible/sober to care for them. Her recurrent rehab history is excellent court evidence to that end.

 

It would be sad to read the headlines of your children killed in a car crash with this alcoholic partner in charge/at the wheel. Which of course is only a mater of time, before a tragedy happens leaving them alone with an alcoholic.

 

Do not take this woman with you or leave your kids alone with her no matter how much she makes promises and pretends to play "sober".

If we move to Milan I won't have family nearby if I go on a business trip. I can't take that risk with my kids. I don't know how to approach this with my boss either. They have invested a lot in me and I don't want to burn my bridges. I feel like I'm backed into a corner. I would love for the Milan adventure to work as it would be great for my kids future but can that happen?