Help With Reading the Signs of His Communication

[sorrysometimes]

Here's my story, and thanks so much in advance for reading, bearing with me, and I will seriously appreciate any commentary or advice you have!

 

I met my ex three years ago this October. I had just moved from my hometown for a new job, and this was the first time on my own without family or the marriage I had left back in 2012. When I moved to my current city I was hungry for friendships and a relationship to fill my voids from divorce and the emptiness that lingered. When I met my ex I was a daring woman on the outside--side shaved hair and always up for adventures and laughter. I also have bipolar 2/borderline traits so my disposition was more of a pendulum that a constancy. In the year that followed, he saw all my sides and variations of moods, and I was so happy we stayed together. It wasn't until the end of the school year at my job (I taught high school), that I broke up with him because I simply couldn't bear to drag him through my dark times ahead. Sure enough, right after we broke up I took anxiety medicine, a few too many, and ended up in the hospital, out of the precaution of my administration. He did not come to see me then, and we did not talk for about two months. We got back together though and it was beautiful and everything I wanted all over again. THEN fast forward to the next month and I am at his parents' house for the first time meeting them, with two positive pregnancy sticks.

 

In that moment I was no longer dealing with a light hearted relationship: we now had serious decisions ahead. I agonized that following week with my decision, and since we decided to abort I dealt with guilt, shame, anger, happiness--a complete range of emotions. I blamed myself. I hated him. I felt for him. There was no logic. Writing poetry helped me through this grief and through the break up, and now through this current break up.

 

We were together until this past June, when after telling him I could not have sex or drink alcohol (from revelations I experienced during fasting) anymore, he seemed uneasy at our dinner. It didn't help that I had had serious baby fever, being uncharacteristically bitter about it with him,which he did not like at all. Ironically this was the evening he went to worship with me, out of respect for me. When we returned he uneasily asked to walk me inside, which seemed so formal compared to our normal play and banter. We stood in my kitchen and he stood behind the counter, distancing himself from me, and told me we had different goals, and as I processed what he said, I cried terribly and then would regain composure until I would cry all over. Like the first time we broke up, this time we did not actively communicate for about two months, though this time we did not make up and get back in a relationship.

 

Instead, we talked playfully, flirted, and had a sort of FWB, very passionate, beautiful, intense, but also very communicative and vulnerable and honest with our conversation. I continued this because I felt like our relationship had been through so much and we owe it to ourselves to not rush and instead try to be better people to and for each other. He mentioned that he is not looking to date anyone now and is wanting to work on himself. He is almost 4 years younger than me, so I get it, I do. He also mentioned weeks ago that he is "emotionally immature," and said so in a regretful way. Also, we went from sending pictures and craving each other, to him not responding when I would send a picture.:subdued:

 

Here is my current dilemma (thanks for reading this far!!):

 

Now, this past week as I have been out of the country and he has been in his home state visiting family, his communication is scant. He will respond maybe once or twice a day to something I do or say. At first I was miserable and scared and a host of fearful emotions. Then I started to work on my mental work, and I would say in my head "walls" when I would obsess on negative thoughts about him. I don't know where this technique came from, but it worked wonders. I would imagine the person he and I are and the way I see us hurriedly building walls--brick, wood, whatever, and sometimes these imaginary figures of us would hand me a blanket or a tissue or offer a hug. That aside, I have used the law of attraction extensively in the breakups, and I think I benefit from the positive mindset and the idea that we create our reality.

 

Questions:

 

1) Do I continue to work through this, as I believe it is worth it?

 

2) Is he consciously, intentionally, distancing himself from me to blatantly say to me he is not interested? Could there be another reason?

 

3) What other words do you think I ought to hear? please lend them to me!

[gebaird]

This sounds like a very turbulent relationship with a lot of ups and downs. Obviously there is connection and compatibility between you or it wouldn't have lasted this long, but it feels to me like you may not be acknowledging the elephants in the room: you both have very different goals surrounding religion and children, which can be deal breakers for many relationships. I think the increasing distance you feel from him is the result of those differences.

 

If you want to continue to play in the FWB space, you'll keep getting what you've been getting. If you want a more serious commitment, you'll probably have to look for it somewhere else.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear all this but it sounds like a few things are happening. One was recovering from your divorce too 'instantly' with him. Another, which he alluded to is he is 'too emotionally immature' meaning he does not want to settle down or have a child etc.

 

The other is the bipolar not being sufficiently treated and going off meds and having visions, etc. that is often the high before the crash. So it may be good to connect to a local therapist and physician and get some help before the inevitable severe depression after manic episodes of high risk behaviors, wild emotions, 'revelations' etc. comes.

I also have bipolar 2/borderline traits so my disposition was more of a pendulum that a constancy. We were together until this past June, when after telling him I could not have sex or drink alcohol (from revelations I experienced during fasting) anymore