Interesting developments

[TiredOfDating]

So, rather than assuming he was no longer dating anyone, we had a conversation the other night where I was able to just ask him directly if he was still dating others (I was able to work it into the flow of conversation, rather than just have it come out of nowhere).

 

He had told me there was one other woman he had been dating, though not seeing her as often as he was seeing me. He decided almost 2 weeks ago that juggling this woman was too much with spending time with me, spending time with his kids, and dealing with divorce stuff (they still have to sell their house, etc). He broke it off with the other girl.

 

On Saturday, we attended an event together, and we both had our children with us. We introduced each other as "friends", and let the kids do their thing together. then after about an hour, we said goodbye, and went our separate ways. Later, he texted me pics he took of the 3 kids, and then asked permission to post on Facebook and tag me, which I was okay with.

 

So later Saturday night I got an email from him. I don't know exactly WHAT he told the other woman when he broke it off, but apparently she saw the FB post and came to the conclusion that he "picked me" over her. She was all pissed off at him and hurt. He goes into all this stuff that he's worried about us, he's worried about hurting me because he's not sure if he's ready for commitment yet, but then said that he referred to me as his girlfriend to someone and it made him feel good to say that.

 

Last night, I was kind of having a blah night, not necessarily feeling down, just sort of lonely and thinking too much. He offered to come out to my house. Which was his first time to my house. Since my son was asleep, we stayed out on the front porch and talked. I initially told him not to come out because it's a 40 min drive for him, but he insisted he wanted to come out and keep me company for a bit. and again, in relaying a conversation, he called me his girlfriend. We talked about us, and he said we need to work on spending more time together through the week. like one night we have dinner at his place, and then he comes out for dinner at my house, etc. these suggestions included outings with our kids, along with one on one time.

 

I'm so out of the loop on dating. do grown adults still go through the process of asking a person they are dating if they want to be their girlfriend/boyfriend?

[sssh]

Sorry for your confusion

 

Well honestly the other lady would feel that way because he did pick you over her. He was casually dating, but he decided to end that and choose you.

 

He would be afraid of commitment because he just came out of a marriage and the word divorce puts the fear of commitment in anyone. Take it one day at a time. He is serious about you, if his posting things of the kids and tagging you in aswell as meeting you and your kids at functions. Its a good thing!

 

These days people are so straight forward. His basicaly putting a label on it... "girlfriend" in a playful way the next time he calls you his girlfriend ask him.. so are you my boyfriend. If you openly communicate now you guys wont ever bump heads

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like this is his clumsy way of saying he wants to be exclusive. Don't worry about labels, just go at a pace that works for you.

He decided almost 2 weeks ago that juggling this woman was too much with spending time with me, spending time with his kids, and dealing with divorce stuff (they still have to sell their house, etc). He broke it off with the other girl.

[gebaird]

I think it's a good sign that he decided to stop seeing that other woman. He may not be ready for marriage talk by any stretch, but it seems like he is interested in dating exclusively (even if he didn't exactly use those words). Adult relationships do move through the same phases as teen relationships -- there's just a little less angst and a little less acne. He may not formally ask you to be his girlfriend, but if he's not dating anyone else and you aren't either (and neither of you has plans to date other people), then that's pretty much where you are, whether or not the status has been officially defined. (You'll know you've arrived when he updates his relationship status on Facebook )

[Sportster2005]

He did choose you over her, she's understandably upset. Not your problem though.

 

When someone gives you the "worried about hurting you", speech that's your cue to bolt. Believe him. He's already preparing for the "I told you I would hurt you" speech. He's not ready.

[ThatwasThen]

We talked about us, and he said we need to work on spending more time together through the week. like one night we have dinner at his place, and then he comes out for dinner at my house, etc. these suggestions included outings with our kids, along with one on one time.

Like I said before... it' far too soon for you to be bringing your children into the mix. Save your mid week date nights to doing something together that doesn't include the children.

 

That being said, it sounds like the relationship is progressing but its still very early stages. Don't introduce your kids just yet. It will hurt them too if this doesn't pan out to a full blown mutually committed RELATIONSHIP.

 

Good luck

[j.man]

This is a classic example of how little labels matter. As far as I'm concerned, being his "girlfriend" means nothing when he's just expressed to you he's not sure if he can commit and that he's afraid of hurting you.

 

Agreed on not involving the kids and not getting fixated on labels, but at the same time, if you'd like to be exclusive, then cut to the chase and ask directly if you two are. Whether due to clumsy wording or something intentional, he's throwing some mixed signals out there.

[katrina1980]

 

So later Saturday night I got an email from him. I don't know exactly WHAT he told the other woman when he broke it off, but apparently she saw the FB post and came to the conclusion that he "picked me" over her. She was all pissed off at him and hurt. He goes into all this stuff that he's worried about us, he's worried about hurting me because he's not sure if he's ready for commitment yet....

 

I don't know what in the world would compel him to tell you the bit about this other chick being pissed off and hurt because he chose you over her, that was totally inappropriate and there was no reason for it.

 

Unless of course it was some covert message letting you know he still has feelings for HER that he is still working out, and although he chose you over her for now, that could change and he may decide later to go back to her. That's precisely why he said he was worried about hurting you.

 

He is giving you a big warning there, and if it were me I would not feel good about it at all.

 

Disclosure is great, but this was too much info and not necessary.

 

All he needed to tell you was he was seeing another woman, but decided YOU were the one he wanted to solely focus on, so he ended it with her and wants to be exclusive with you.

 

That's it!

 

Not all this other garbage about how the woman saw his FB photo, concluded he chose you over her and she was all "hurt and pissed" and he's afraid of hurting you, etc etc etc.

 

Why would he tell you this? That's nuts! Think about that.

 

I mean I guess in retrospect it's good he told you because information is power... and the more info you have the better decision you can make, but it sounds like he playing the two of you against each other and that is BS.

 

NOT a big fan of that, in fact it's a turn off to me when a man attempts to do that. Does not go over well with me AT ALL.

 

If you choose to continue dating him, proceed with caution.

 

If it were me, I would next him but I am not the one dating him, you are.

 

Aim higher and choose wisely from the getgo and avoid disappointment and hurt later.

[katrina1980]

Deleted...

[SoulTaker]

I don't know what in the world would compel him to tell you the bit about this other chick being pissed off and hurt because he chose you over her, that was totally inappropriate and there was no reason for it.

 

Unless of course it was some covert message letting you know he still has feelings for HER that he is still working out, and although he chose you over her for now, that could change and he may decide later to go back to her. That's precisely why he said he was worried about hurting you.

 

He is giving you a big warning there, and if it were me I would not feel good about it at all.

 

Disclosure is great, but this was too much info and not necessary.

 

I agree with Katrina. The way he went about things was pretty immature. No reason for him to put his business out there on FB, or tell you any details about other women.

 

All he needed to do is state that "he is not dating exclusively". That's it. As for this "bf/gf" stuff, he's not ready for that. He should start with just wanting to be "exclusive". You should definitely keep the "kids" out of it at this point. This thread so far has been all about him. How do you feel about him? Are you ready to take it to the next level and be "exclusive"?

 

Also, what is this "divorce stuff"??? Are you stating that he is still married (with kids), and they still have a house together? If true, then that's a lot of drama to be in a relationship with.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he was having sex with her and now that she's gone, wants to move that aspect forward with you and this new label and fb stuff.

He decided almost 2 weeks ago that juggling this woman was too much with spending time with me, spending time with his kids, and dealing with divorce stuff. He broke it off with the other girl.

 

Later, he texted me pics he took of the 3 kids, and then asked permission to post on Facebook and tag me, which I was okay with.

[TiredOfDating]

It sounds like he was having sex with her and now that she's gone, wants to move that aspect forward with you and this new label and fb stuff.

 

Interestingly enough, it was thursday night he told me he ended it with her the previous week. Which was right after the the first time he and I slept together.

[katrina1980]

It sounds like he was having sex with her and now that she's gone, wants to move that aspect forward with you and this new label and fb stuff.

 

That's all well and good.

 

But why the need to tell OP what happened with the chick he used to date?

 

That she noticed the FB photo, became upset feeling hurt and pissed off.. THEN in that same convo, telling her (the OP) he was "worried" he would hurt her and that he's not ready for commitment.

 

What do you think his purpose for telling her that was?

 

That's as bad (or worse) than a girl coming home and telling her bf how many men hit on her that day.

 

There was no reason for it other than to either stir jealously, solicit a reaction or warn the OP not to expect too much because he still has feelings for this other girl, and could end up choosing HER in the end.

[TiredOfDating]

That's all well and good.

 

But why the need to tell OP what happened with the chick he used to date?

 

That she noticed the FB photo, became upset feeling hurt and pissed off.. THEN in that same convo, telling her (the OP) he was "worried" he would hurt her and that he's not ready for commitment.

 

What do you think his purpose for telling her that was?

 

That's as bad (or worse) than a girl coming home and telling her bf how many men hit on her that day.

 

There is no reason for it other than to either stir jealously, solicit a reaction or warn the OP not to expect too much because he still has feelings for this other girl, and could end up choosing HER in the end.

 

I can see where you're going with this, because my ex often did the same thing to me, always pitting me against other women, to make me (and them) jealous. I have no idea who this other woman is, had no idea they were FB friends. I assumed he told me because the conversation with the other woman happened in the middle of a text conversation with me. I honestly don't think he was trying to make me jealous, it was just like a "yeah, sorry I left you hanging there, but remember the girl I ended it with.....?" because he had JUST told me about her 2 days before (when answering my direct question if he was dating anyone else). He even said he probably wasn't being fair to me by telling me about it, but it literally just happened.

 

when he came over last night I brought it up briefly, and he said while the conversation ended on a better note than it started, they would no longer be seeing each other. and then we went on to talk about other things.

[DancingFool]

I sincerely hope that you listen carefully to the guys who responded to your thread, because they are well versed in menspeak and have kindly translated for you that this guy is trouble in all caps.

 

Unfortunately, you are way too into him and are making excuses for him even though red flags at smacking you in the face. You come here and post about the situation, but don't take in the advice you are being given that you don't want to hear, namely to lose him and lose his number. So I think you are in that must stick hand in fire to understand fire burns stage. I hope we are wrong and you are that one in a million exception, but not holding my breath. Wish you luck.

[katrina1980]

I can see where you're going with this, because my ex often did the same thing to me, always pitting me against other women, to make me (and them) jealous. I have no idea who this other woman is, had no idea they were FB friends. I assumed he told me because the conversation with the other woman happened in the middle of a text conversation with me.

 

I honestly don't think he was trying to make me jealous, it was just like a "yeah, sorry I left you hanging there, but remember the girl I ended it with.....?" because he had JUST told me about her 2 days before (when answering my direct question if he was dating anyone else). He even said he probably wasn't being fair to me by telling me about it, but it literally just happened.

 

 

First off, never assume anything when it comes to men and dating.

 

Second, how long did he "leave you hanging" to talk with her? If it was any longer than two seconds, simply to tell her he is unable to speak with her right now, then you HANG UP.

 

How rude.

 

Or better yet, he should have just let that call go to voice mail since he was speaking with you,

 

Third, I still maintain the position that there was absolutely NO reason for him to be sharing with you what he discussed with this other woman he used to date, how hurt and pissed she was, etc.

 

Unless of course it was to WARN you, in which case I hope you heed to the warning

[ThatwasThen]

Interestingly enough, it was thursday night he told me he ended it with her the previous week. Which was right after the the first time he and I slept together.

Good luck. I hope it works out with him because you're going to get shredded if it doesn't.

Telling you he's no longer dating the other chick and both of you agreeing to date exclusively are two different things so I'll repeat what Jman said

if you'd like to be exclusive, then cut to the chase and ask directly if you two are.

 

Any way, I think that you posting here about every aspect and update to this union is going to cause you to overthink (more then you already do) and to get even more anxious. Just enjoy the relationship and as long as he's not making excuses to not see you more then he IS seeing you then just take it one day at a time while being mindful of your children who don't need to be involved in any of it just yet.

[Wiseman2]

You both wanted to take it slowly because you both have kids and prior hurts. So at least you've established exclusivity now...so take it form there.

Interestingly enough, it was thursday night he told me he ended it with her the previous week. Which was right after the the first time he and I slept together.

[ThatwasThen]

You both wanted to take it slowly because you both have kids and prior hurts. So at least you've established exclusivity now...so take it form there.

They have? Him telling her he's no longer dating the other girl is not mutually agreed to exclusivity It's just him no longer dating THAT particular woman.

[katrina1980]

They have? Him telling her he's no longer dating the other girl is not mutually agreed to exclusivity It's just him no longer dating THAT particular woman.

 

Agree and to add. Just because he says he is not dating her, obviously he is still talking to her, hence him taking her call the other night, interrupting his phone call with OP and leaving her "hanging."

 

It's anyone guess for how long, apparently long enough for them (him and this girl) to discuss her hurt and pissed off feelings, and godonlyknows what else.

 

I would have hung up.