dating someone living with his mom

[judithhz]

I am dating someone for long-term relationship and he lives with his mom.

He is in his mid 30s, has been lived with parents through and after graduate school. His father passed away a couple years ago and his mother is kind of old (70+).

He is starting some small business now and I totally understand that he stays at home to save rent at this moment.

I asked him whether he will still stay in his mom's house when he starts a family.

And he said yes...

His reasons are:

he can get along with his mother very well.

The house is big.

His mother needs help.

 

To me only the last reason can justify staying in his mom's house.

 

Now I am so concerned...

[Ms Darcy]

Well, he told you what his intentions are. Pretty clearly I think. Depending on the circumstances (more details) it wouldn't bother me.

 

Maybe he's not right for you?

[missmarple]

If the house is big and his mother has no one else to look after her, I can understand his reasoning. I wouldn't 'abandon' my mother or father, either (only child here, not sure if your guy is one, too?). If it is such a big problem for you, perhaps you should date someone else?

[greta96]

This situation would be fine with me, but if you're not ok with it then there is no reason to prolong the inevitable. Don't base your decision to stay in the relationship on just hope that eventually he'd change his mind about his living arrangements, or that you'd be able to nag him into doing so, because he will just end up resenting you.

Only you can decide what you're ok with and what not. But if you got to the point where you're "so concerned", then it may be best to end it.

[Matt3939]

I've thought alot about this. I'm an only child both parents are getting up there in age. I had to move back after my breakup in order to save money so I can buy something and move out. If one passes I'll most likely have to move back. I decided not to date till I have my own place. Didn't want to have to deal with telling somone I'm close to 40 and living at home. This could go either way I wouldn't be bothered if my SO lived with a parent if they needed help. I can however understand not wanting to deal with it. Some people have no choice though.

[Tinydance]

Well I personally wouldn't really want to date a guy who has lived with his parents his whole life, who is in his mid 30's. I'm actually an only child myself too so maybe I'll change my opinion when one of my parents is left on their own. I think it depends on the situation really. Like, the mother may be 70 but still perfectly able to look after herself. Is his mother sick or physically or mentally disabled in any way? Also I think it would depend if the mother was giving enough space and privacy and if you could have your own part of the house away from her. I mean it's obviously awkward to have sex if the mother can hear you.

 

Does it look like he truly is looking after his mother, or is he just using that as an excuse? The only reason why I say that is because I was seeing a guy who's 32 and he's gone to university and never moved out. His father died a few years ago but his Mum is not that old, only about 55. This guy from what I've seen hardly helps around the house and can't even make his own meal. His Mum and sister cook for him but if they're not cooking he just eats chocolate and ice cream for dinner. He's extremely stingy and really hates spending even a bit of money so I think he only lives at home to save money, not to help out his mother because his father died.

[Capttrae]

If he's paying all the bills and staying there to help his mom, think about what he may be sacrificing to take care of her. Now if he's staying there and his mom is paying all the bills, he's a mooch and needs to grow up

[rayfutz]

Have you never heard of people looking after their parents and giving them a place to live instead of sticking them in a nursing home with inferior care and love in comparison? Maybe its old fashioned these days but I see no actual problem, other than its not what you are hoping for.

[Hermes]

Oh boy. The drama.....and I don't mean you, OP.

 

70+ is NOT old, unless of course the lady has a disability, is bed-ridden or needs caring.

I know several people in their late seventies who are still running a business!!

 

However, the point really is that this is the man's choice and you OP don't think this is suitable for you. Fair enough.

 

Of course any half-way caring person will want to help out an aging parent, and many people do just that, in a variety of ways, not just living in the same house as a parent. Some people work (have to work) far away from home, abroad, or as the case may be. Not everyone has the choice to be a stay-at-home carer.

[Wiseman2]

If you want to go anywhere with him be prepared to live with and take care of mom.

I asked him whether he will still stay in his mom's house when he starts a family.And he said yes...he can get along with his mother very well. His mother needs help.

Same guy?

 

]

[abitbroken]

usually people don't "plan" to live with parents. They end up moving a parent in due to circumstances of the parents health. I would be okay if he wanted to make sure mom lived nearby - up the road, in a retirement community near by, or if mutually wanted, an in-law suite - but moving a wife IN with mom and having one's own household and deciding to move mom in are completely different issues. Having a parent nearby is great when you start to have kids, I will say, but establish coouplehood/a married unit it critical. You don't want to feel you have moved in as an additional child vs the wife.

 

I would observe his relationship with mom. Does he depend on her for too much vs mom needing the physical help? I would voice my opinion about what happens when he decides to marry, how would he relate "leaving and cleaving" to never living outside of his mother's house? How would that work? And would he ever consider moving out of mom's house and living nearby with a wife instead? If he is adamant with living in mom's house when he is married (if mom was 98 years old, i would give him a pass), and you don't see that happening for you, I would end the relationship.

 

I could not marry someone who would not mentally/emotionally leave his parents in order to be united with a wife.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, I totally do Not understand this at 30, mooching off a pensioner.

He is starting some small business now and I totally understand that he stays at home to save rent at this moment.

[abitbroken]

Unfortunately, I totally do Not understand this at 30, mooching off a pensioner.

 

True. However, could he have framed it as "I am living with mom temporarily while I am getting on my feet and have a 6 month to a year plan" because most women would not accept the "I have always lived with mom and don't plan to stop" line?

[Ms Darcy]

If he's paying all the bills and staying there to help his mom, think about what he may be sacrificing to take care of her. Now if he's staying there and his mom is paying all the bills, he's a mooch and needs to grow up

 

I think that's a good way to put it. It's helpful to have more context if this is the lifestyle choice of a responsible person or an excuse of a leech.

[judithhz]

Thank you for all your posts.

This guy and I share very similar experience. Both of us had been in grad school for too long. And actually we got paid during grad school.

The difference is I have been away from home for many years, while he did his under and grad in the same city. He said he moved back after first couple years of grad school.

For me, I wouldn't live with in-law unless she really needs help. I would rather live in a very small apartment close to her house.

I always believe in "someone's house, someone's rule". I can't even follow my own mother's rule.

Do you guys think I should mention it next time we meet?

[1gentleman]

Judd-- Sounds like he is an amazing guy with plans and close to family. Think about this, grad school, emotionally stable, starting a business and close to his mom, what else can you ask for? It looks like he takes care of family. Imagine you two have kids one day, what kind of values do you want to teach them? To once they grow up, leave you two alone and move out and put you in a nursing home when you are no longer able to take care of yourself? Or would you want your children to be close to you and help you if you need it, I would choose the latter. As long as he is not a moocher, it should not be a problem. Also, if you help him with his mom and one day your parents need help, shouldn't he help as well? Don't just think about what is convenient now, think long term, 5-10-15 years down the road. That is how I would approach this. I live with my family, but don't mooch off of my retired folks. I run errands for them, make sure they take their meds, etc. It may be the Catholic in me, I don't know. In the end, it is your call.

[judithhz]

Well now it is hard to define whether he is a moocher. He admits he can save rent by living in his mom's house. And he saved more money than I being a poor student.

He invests and I don't. He mentioned one day that he saved quite a lot through all these years and not becoming too much burden to his mom at this time.

And I also asked about his plan if his small business does not work well and he said he would seek some teaching/lab job.

Both our family are quite well off. And both our parents are professors. If I go back home it would be comfortable since my parents already purchased a condo for me to live in. But I won't go home.

I mentioned in my previous post that we discussed the non-premarital sex and he said he respect and accept it. He says he likes the way I talks and likes my opinions about his business. That is why I date him.

But I am also concerned that he stays in his comfort zone for too long. And worried about his emotional attachment to his mom and his career/financial plan in the future.

 

Judd-- Sounds like he is an amazing guy with plans and close to family. Think about this, grad school, emotionally stable, starting a business and close to his mom, what else can you ask for? It looks like he takes care of family. Imagine you two have kids one day, what kind of values do you want to teach them? To once they grow up, leave you two alone and move out and put you in a nursing home when you are no longer able to take care of yourself? Or would you want your children to be close to you and help you if you need it, I would choose the latter. As long as he is not a moocher, it should not be a problem. Also, if you help him with his mom and one day your parents need help, shouldn't he help as well? Don't just think about what is convenient now, think long term, 5-10-15 years down the road. That is how I would approach this. I live with my family, but don't mooch off of my retired folks. I run errands for them, make sure they take their meds, etc. It may be the Catholic in me, I don't know. In the end, it is your call.