Trust issues

[bluebell05]

Well I'm new at this and not real sure where to start. But I am seeking advice because I am having thoughts running thru my mind that my boyfriend of a year in a half is secretly doing something behind my back. I would like some advice as to what signs I should be looking for. I want to know the signs before I say what he has been doing and what he has been saying his reasoning is

[rosephase]

You can find lots of lists of "signs they might be cheating" here... let me google that for you:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you want advice then you have to give more details... otherwise just check out google.

[rayfutz]

I am having thoughts running thru my mind that my boyfriend of a year in a half is secretly doing something behind my back. I

 

You can get advice all day long to fit your desired outcome. What matters is what is going on. Its going to be different each time with each person.

 

You have thoughts running through you mind. Like what? And what caused the thoughts to be there? Something in the past? What was not resolved and what are you experiencing with him now? What exactly are the thoughts you are having and what is he doing to make you second guess or be suspicious?

[bluebell05]

Well I'm confused as to how he is towards me. Nothing has changed except he stopped cuddling the way I like to. In the spooning position. I just feel secure when he holds me while we sleep. He claims his back is always hurting him. I mean that could be possible but it's been going on for month now. From time to time he will tell me he is not interested in being intimate. And when we are I have to initiate it. He doesn't make any moves of foreplay whatso ever. He changes things. Like in the beginning he was okay with doing stuff when it is that time of the month. And at time we would have our time in the shower. We shower together every day. He said he has never done that with his exs. I don't know if he would really tell me but that is what he had said. He changed from liking that in the shower to not liking it. I mean are these signs of him having someone on the side.

[bluebell05]

Just the changes all of a sudden is making me think he is either holding something back or may have someone on the side. Cause I don't think he would change from liking that to not liking it over night. He claims he didn't say something before because it was too new into our relationship and he feels comfortable with telling me stuff now that he wasn't before. Which that could be possible but is it mostlikely what he is doing?

[Ksol9]

It's only natural for the honeymoon phase to fade after some time. From my experience, anywhere around 6-8 months is when all those new butterflies from being in a new relationship start to fade. If you are living together it is also normal for physical intimacy to slow down also and alot of other poster who were married or in long term relationships for many years, they will tell you their sex lives would go up and down in frequency. Alot of things can be factors in why he is not initiating sex with you. It could be due to work, stress, back pain, anything. You just have to communicate with him. Don't pressure him too much about it, but try to communicate gently as it is sometimes a sensitive matter for some men.

 

If he is cheating, lack of sex drive can be a sign, but I think you would notice it more in his behavior. Have a talk with him and express how you are feeling and what it is making you think. He should be receptive and understanding. I'm sure you can find all sorts of articles or people that will give you advice on what clues to look for, but if someone is cheating, it's most likely to come out at one point or another. First it's best to try communicating with him. Lack of sex or him distancing himself doesn't necessarily mean he is cheating.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are spending too much time together. So you are getting used to each other and the relationship is not as new and exciting as it used to be.

We shower together every day.

[bluebell05]

I mean we do communicate with what is bothering both of us and lately there has been a lot going on at home. His son owes him a lot of money and isn't attempting to give any back, someone took money from my wallet in the house, something happened to my debit card with the money on it for that taxes.

 

We have two dogs that had puppies so we had the stress from that. His son has the mom dog and doesn't take care of her properly, she is very destructive and destroys things my boyfriend is trying to make better with the house. So I mean there has been a lot of stress going on and he works nights and normally doesn't get any time off. He works mostly everyday a month so it's not that we spend a lot of time together. He works 3rd shift... so our time spent is working on things in the house and I normally nap with him til he gets up at 940. And we shower together, we have coffee and breakfast together in the morning but that's about it..

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like too much stress, not trust issues. How long have you been dating/living together? His son lives with you?

His son owes him a lot of money and isn't attempting to give any back, someone took money from my wallet in the house, something happened to my debit card with the money on it for that taxes. And we shower together, we have coffee and breakfast together in the morning but that's about it..

[Ksol9]

i agree with Wiseman...sometimes people just need a little time apart from each other....men especially. Men don't like feeling suffocated when they have alot of stress going on in their life.

[bluebell05]

We have been together for a year and a half living together basically from day two after meeting each other. He also did something 2 months into the relationship and that is why I have trust issues with him. He made excuse after excuse that it wasn't working out the first time around. So he made me leave to bring his ex back after she abused him and disrupted the house... she was a bad heroin addict that was stealing his sons needles since he is a diabetic. He does live with us last year he didn't live with us and it was much better. My boyfriend wants it back to the way it was last year but that won't happen since his son lives with us his son, daughter and granddaughter lives with us. It gets very stressful here. His son and daughter didn't listen to me when I told them it wasn't going to work out if they brought the dog into the house they brought her in and she is not trained and well like I said the two dogs had a litter of puppies. His dog is supposed to be going but we haven't seen it yet. It's constant arguing over the dogs and his son is not responsible enough for a pet. He is more worried about other things. He's constantly trading, buying or selling stuff from online... instead of giving his dad what he owes he uses it for his own stuff. And it's hia female dog who had the puppies in which he left to go see his girlfriend in another state and left me with watching all 9 puppies and the mom. Plus my dog and now he has a cat that got hit by a cat with a broken leg. Which he isn't doing anything with. It's just one thing after another. His son doesn't listen to anyone he does what he wants and just is a slob about everything. I just don't know how to handle it since he is not my son and my boyfriend is about giving up on him...

[bluebell05]

What would you advise me to do since we don't spend a lot of time together and the stress is basically coming from his son that lives with us

[Wiseman2]

Since day 2? Why did you move in with him so quickly? Are you working? Since it's his house, unfortunately you can't tell him to evict the whole extended family and all the animals that live there.

We have been together for a year and a half living together basically from day two after meeting each other.

[bluebell05]

We both felt it was right. But then 2 months into it he asked me to leave cause he wanted his ex back. I moved over with my mom. Tried to move on and couldn't. Then a month and a half went by he contacted me and said I was right about everything. And we started talking and kinda got back together. We were seeing where it went until one night my mom said if I was to leave to not come back. I had already made arrangements for his daughter to pick me up and I couldn't call her and let her know my mom needed me cause she was watching our granddaughter. She got mad at me for leaving and ever since I've been back with him.

[bluebell05]

I don't work but have income and I help him with the expenses with the house. He is tempted to telling his son to move back down with his mom. He is 17 and going to be moving down with his girlfriend when he graduates.

[Ksol9]

You guys have to figure something out together as a family. He has children and responsibilities and you have to accept that by being supportive. This is just apart of what you signed up for and unfortunately you'll have to tough it out. If it's something you think you can't handle, then you need to rethink being in the relationship. It does sound like a lot of stress but when it comes to his children, he is going to have to be the one to lay down the rules and make the decisions when it comes to them.

[rayfutz]

Well I'm confused as to how he is towards me. Nothing has changed except he stopped cuddling the way I like to. In the spooning position. I just feel secure when he holds me while we sleep. He claims his back is always hurting him. I mean that could be possible but it's been going on for month now. From time to time he will tell me he is not interested in being intimate. And when we are I have to initiate it. He doesn't make any moves of foreplay whatso ever. He changes things. Like in the beginning he was okay with doing stuff when it is that time of the month. And at time we would have our time in the shower. We shower together every day. He said he has never done that with his exs. I don't know if he would really tell me but that is what he had said. He changed from liking that in the shower to not liking it. I mean are these signs of him having someone on the side.

 

So nothing has changed. But a year and a half, you two know each other better, more comfortable with each other, the honeymoon phase is settling down. Nothing is changed except physical. You feel less secure with him as a result, and your mind is running to really bad presumptions like he has someone on the side. From time to time he does not want to be intimate, well there can be a lot of reasons why. Stress is a huge one. Have you ever asked him "WHY??"

 

Wanted to do things on your period, or at least ok with it, now not so much. Ok, so time passed and he realized he wasn't as comfortable with it anymore. Thats ok. people change opinion sometimes, and its not always a catastrophic reason why.

 

As for you initiating and not him. Maybe there is something making him uncomfortable, like he feels you are not into it, and so he does not want to have an awkward moment saying he is horny if he knows you probably will brush him off. Maybe that happened more often than he liked? So now its fully in your court.

 

Not in the shower as before? Well he wasnt like that with his ex's. Right, so its the same thing as his change of opinion on sex with your period timing. It does not necessarily reflect his feelings for you.

 

Of course there could be something going on, it could be completely stress, depression, lack of communication and misunderstanding, not reading you well in the moment and letting it snowball with no answers. If you are not getting the answers to fit his pattern change, then you need to ask the same questions to him again in a different way. Pattern changes, big small good or bad, they always mean something and its going to be upt to you and him to talk more. Anything you get here at this point is just speculation, we don't know him and cant talk to him, but you can.

[bluebell05]

I feel he has changed cause he is holding back on something. In the beginning when we got back together he was or at least sounded excited to get married and was acting totally different. I just don't know how to take him. He often listens to music and they are love songs. I ask him if he listens to them to remind him of someone in his past. He gets mad and throws his phone. Would that be a sign of something he is doing wrong and I am catching on to what he is doing? Things have been very stressful lately. And he gets his moments where he is okay with having sex. But he doesn't imitate it at all and that does make me think he either is attracted to someone else or has those feelings for someone else. I mean I saw the one time in his phone that his ex sent a clip pic of her of course and he said that he had a hard one for her and always will... could that be him just saying that to her or could he be meaning it. He also stopped calling me babe when he used to all the time. Why would he all of a sudden stop that? I try talking to him and he gets mad and offensive. So I don't know by me telling him how I feel and kinda see what's going on is getting to him cause I know what he is doing and he isn't liking it. That is the impression I get when I go to say something to him about what I think.