Overly concerned family

[elara]

Hello,

 

The thread is kind of mixed and it also touches on my relationship. So forgive me for not posting it at the correct section.

 

So I am not sure where I should start but here goes.. I used to live with my sisters and my brother-in-law in a house for about 4 years. I have been a long distance relationship for a long time now, and every now and then my boyfriend used to come live with me in the house that I shared with my family, and recently we have been together for a year at my place. There have been some unfortunate circumstances with my boyfriend not being able to secure a job where I live.

 

I recently moved away from my sisters and my brother in law's house and got me a studio apartment where my boyfriend also accompanied me and he left the country as his permission to stay here was expiring after we stayed together in our apartment for 2 months.

 

My family members in the house had been supportive of me and then once my boyfriend left, I found out that they didn't really like him. Now, my boyfriend was unemployed at the time but he did all the chores of the house, tried to find a job and also volunteered at a children's club during his stay here.

 

Now ever since I have been independent, I wanted to spend some time alone, but they keep calling me to visit them every 3 days, and feel really angry or concerned when I leave their house and they want me to stay overnight, and I refuse sometimes. And the times that I do refuse, I feel guilty that I have been letting them down.

They think my boyfriend is not the right person for me, and he is programming me to not stay over, but he hasn't really said anything about it.

 

They don't understand that I love him and he loves me too and we really want to be together and are happy together. They think that my boyfriend has been lying to me about loving me and that he is a fake person etc etc.

 

I really don't see him that way, but I do understand why they would think that way as he was unable to secure employment during his 1 year stay here. And if it happens that I may eventually leave the country and move in with him. Now my boyfriend is getting a job in his home country, and I told them that, but they still believe their ideas about him. I keep telling them it is not so.

 

Anyway, the problem for now is not that they don't like my boyfriend. My problem is that I don't have time for myself, to figure out who I am as this is the first time I have ever been independent as an adult. But I don't feel like I am being allowed to think for myself and allowed to grow on my own.

 

I don't know how to be assertive and not rude at the same time. I don't want them to dislike me for it either. I don't know if I have a wrong opinion about them.

 

Thanks,

Elara

[gebaird]

I'd set some clear boundaries here. If seeing them every three days is too much, tell them you'll drop by once a week. If they continue to say things you dislike about your boyfriend, ask them to please stop. They are probably concerned about you and just want to help, but obviously their help and advice is unwanted in this case.

 

You are an adult who is entitled to make her own choices and have her own opinions. You can love your family while working to establish healthier boundaries with them.