Is my wife asking too much?

[kconfused]

Hey everyone. This is my first post and I'll do my best to make a long story short. I was never much of a drinker until about a year ago when stress and anxiety about my job and my upcoming wedding got the best of me. After having a few drinks with friends one night I noticed I wasn't feeling so anxious or stressed about work and the wedding. When I realized this, I began drinking basically everyday, day or night to self medicate all of this anxiety and stress. Because of this, I developed a bad habit with alcohol but never told my fiancé (now my wife) about it. Fast forward to three months after our wedding when she found a bottle of liquor I was hiding while she was cleaning our apartment. Even though the stress and anxiety of the wedding had passed because the wedding was over, I was still drinking due to the habit I had developed.

She became very concerned that I was hiding alcohol because she knew I had never been much of a drinker. She said if you're going to drink liquor, why not just leave it out on the kitchen counter or something? Why hide it? I knew I couldn't do that because she would notice how much I was drinking if that bottle on the counter only lasted a couple days.

I told her I was just going to stop with the liquor all together, but I didn't. I kept lying to her about it and she kept catching me in my lying about drinking. She gave me chance after chance, and finally, this past May when I lied to her about it once again, she moved out to stay at her mom's house. It's now September and we've been separated ever since. Since she moved out, I've been feeling trying to stop the drinking. I've gone to AA meetings, and have been seeing a therapist on my own to work on my stress/anxiety and my drinking habit.

We're getting close to begin trying to reconcile our marriage, but my wife is now telling me I'm going to have to stop playing in my band because alcohol is usually involved at band practice and when we play live gigs. She says because of my lying about drinking she can't trust me to be around alcohol at practice of when we play live. I understand where she is coming from, but I've played music in some form or another since I was 9 years old and I am now 30. Playing music and being a musician is a huge part of my life and who I am. Now she is saying she doesn't want me to do it anymore because of the drinking and lying. I know I've screwed up and I need to earn her trust back, but I can't imagine not being able to play in my band anymore. Is she asking too much or do I owe her for all of the mistakes and lying? Any thoughts, input or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, everyone.

[j.man]

Thing is I wouldn't be surprised if she was more concerned about your lying than the drinking itself. Not that you should self-medicate with alcohol, but it's not like you'd been drinking for years and built up an insane tolerance. And given that fact, it at least seems like you had it [relatively] under control if she only knew because she found a bottle while cleaning.

 

Now the only way she knows how to cope with it while staying with you is to control you. It's not a healthy dynamic for either of you.

 

I'd suggest getting a marriage counselor, preferably one with any drug / alcohol counseling experience, who can help you two draw out some appropriate boundaries and concessions that don't involve using a leash.

[SherrySher]

You need to ask yourself some serious questions concerning the alcohol..this is not about your wife.

How much do you rely on the alcohol? Can you go to these band practices and resist the urge to drink? Do you feel it's out of your control?

You stopping drinking cannot be about your wife, or what she wants...it won't work. It needs to be about you and what you want.

Addictions do affect the people around you, but ultimately it's only you who can decide what to do about them and the reasons can't be based on what someone else wants you to do.

[kconfused]

Hey j.man,

Thank you for your quick response. We've talked about marriage counseling as recently as yesterday, but she says she will only pursue it if I can tell her I will keep the band/music thing off the table for an undetermined amount of time. That's what is making my decision on how to move forward so difficult.

[kconfused]

Hi SherrySher.

Thanks for responding. I know I can go to band practices or gigs and resist the urge to drink. Not only that, but my band mates are aware of my situation and have told me they will also not drink to support me and my struggle. They said that was always just something we did for fun, but not what defines us as a band. Problem is, even when I tell my wife that, she says she simply doesn't trust me or believe me when I say that.

[j.man]

Hi SherrySher.

Thanks for responding. I know I can go to band practices or gigs and resist the urge to drink. Not only that, but my band mates are aware of my situation and have told me they will also not drink to support me and my struggle. They said that was always just something we did for fun, but not what defines us as a band. Problem is, even when I tell my wife that, she says she simply doesn't trust me or believe me when I say that.

I'm hoping my hunch is off, but has your wife previously had any issues or jealousy with regard to the time you spend playing with the band? If your friends are willing to support you and even provide you a completely sober environment to enjoy a long-loved hobby of yours while you work on your recovery, it's sounding like she could be using these recent events as an excuse to finally cut the music out.

 

I'd strongly insist on the marriage counseling.

[kconfused]

j.man, you bring up a really good point. However, she has never had an issue with the time I spend with the band. Typically it was one or two practices a week. Sometimes we would miss practice due to work schedules, etc.

the only time practice took up a lot of time is when there was an upcoming gig. However, to her credit, she never took issue with it until this drinking thing became a problem in our lives. I agree with you on marriage counseling. I have contacted multiple marriage counselors about scheduling an appointment and am currently waiting to hear back from one of them. But like I said, she doesn't even want to pursue marriage counseling unless I can tell her I will take the whole band thing off the table for an unknown amount of time.

[Matt3939]

If you are going thru a bottle of booze every couple days. How on earth didn't she know u were drunk? Do you even spend time together? This shouldn't be a shocker but it's usually pretty noticeable if you are going thru a decent amount of alcohol. Specially if you haven't been drinking for years. BTW hiding booze in old tide deturgent bottles doesn't hide it. Never worked for my grandpa.

[itsallgrand]

For an undetermined length of time - so not forever?

 

I get where she is coming from. She wants to see that your recovery is your number one priority. That you can work on your marriage as well without big distractions and with you away from your places of temptation. It makes a lot of sense to me.

 

You can pursue your music for a time in other ways. Don't have to be in a band to write and play and sing music.

 

Are you seeing a therapist personally just for you? It might be worth discussing with that person.

[himynameisslim]

this is a bit tricky. on one hand, I see where your wife is coming from. she thinks that the music and band will trigger you to drink more. you think you can control it and it's a big part of your life. so what to do?

 

if you truly believe you can stop while playing, maybe you two can come to a compromise, whatever that may be. maybe step away for a little bit and show her you can stop drinking all together. then slowly start playing again. if she still holds the trust issue against you even months later, that could be a major red flag especially if you begin resenting her for not being able to play

[j.man]

For an undetermined length of time - so not forever?

 

I get where she is coming from. She wants to see that your recovery is your number one priority. That you can work on your marriage as well without big distractions and with you away from your places of temptation. It makes a lot of sense to me.

 

You can pursue your music for a time in other ways. Don't have to be in a band to write and play and sing music.

 

Are you seeing a therapist personally just for you? It might be worth discussing with that person.

It makes sense, but it's unfortunately terribly inefficient. It's similar to a crash diet for weight loss. Sobriety is a lifestyle and, if music is a big part of his life, it doesn't benefit him to work on one while cutting out the other. In fact, a hobby he can enjoy sober is probably one of the best things he could have right now. Add to it that he's got a supportive social circle to go with the hobby and it really is a no-brainer.

 

It'd be one thing if the music is what drew him into drinking in excess, but given he's been playing since he was 9 without issue, that doesn't seem the case.

 

While I do understand her desire to want him to show her he's sacrificing, in this case she's asking too much and I think any serious counselor would let her know as much, which is why I think it'd be best for both of them to have one draw up a battle plan with them.

[ThatwasThen]

Hey j.man,

Thank you for your quick response. We've talked about marriage counseling as recently as yesterday, but she says she will only pursue it if I can tell her I will keep the band/music thing off the table for an undetermined amount of time. That's what is making my decision on how to move forward so difficult.

 

Can you come to a compromise with her? Say you keep yourself away from temptation until you've reached one year of sobriety or something like that? She's sliding down a slippery slope by trying to control outcomes even though her need to control is clearly cooling her anxiety about what you call "a habit" which I'm sure your therapist calls an addiction. Perhaps with a compromise she will get her need fulfilled and eventually, you can rejoin the music scene when you've had more time at learning how to curb your anxiety without drinking.

 

Good luck and kudos to you for getting help with your anxiety which fuels your need for alcohol. Hopefully during your sessions you'll learn tools to calm yourself that don't include drinking.

[abitbroken]

If you are going thru a bottle of booze every couple days. How on earth didn't she know u were drunk? Do you even spend time together? This shouldn't be a shocker but it's usually pretty noticeable if you are going thru a decent amount of alcohol. Specially if you haven't been drinking for years. BTW hiding booze in old tide deturgent bottles doesn't hide it. Never worked for my grandpa.

 

Some people are functional alcoholics. They can drink and "hide" their drunkenness. Its not about how drunk you get, its about your dependency. if you cannot function without having a few drinks - that is an alcoholic. The person that really doesn't drink more than one beer a week but once in a blue moon gets a little buzzed - but not blackout drunk - having a few with some buddies watching the game - is not an alcoholic. he very well could drink a lot before bed when she is out at a class or staying up to watch a show while she went to bed early due to an early morning or illness, finish a bottle and pass out. I have worked with people who hide it for a long time then start to slip.

 

About the band - you can pursue music in other ways. You can teach music to kids. You can rent time in a recording studio with your band, you can play at a music in the park type of place that doesn't involve being in a bar. Right now, you can't be trusted to be around alcohol that other people drink and not drink. No sportsbar with the buddies, etc either. You may have to lose some friends who you only meet to drink with. But from what it sounds like you are a solitary drinker.

 

A friend of mine was in you wife's shoes, except it was cheating with groupies and not drinking. So he quit the band/the whole bar music scene. a few years later he started another band, but chose as bandmates committed married guys/guys with kids. They played fewer gigs, but they weren't out to create the illusion of singleness and everyone was held accountable.

If music is not your primary profession, I agree with her.To save your marriage and to get well, you have to remove any temptations cold turkey.

[abitbroken]

all this talk about control/being controlling - this is an emergency for their marriage and for the course of his life. AA even talks about removing yourself from the influence of enabling friends, any place where the beer flows freely, etc, for life, or until you are at a place in your recovery. I know people who stay for dinner and leave after dessert because the wine comes out, or meets people for lunch instead because they are serious about their recovery. years later, they feel they can be at a place where someone has a glass of wine at dinner, but cannot be at a late night party because they can't completely say no yet.

[ThatwasThen]

Totally agree with what people do to keep themselves sober. The fact remains however that her ultimatum is an attempt at control and if she herself went to Al-anon (support group for the friends/family/loved one's of an alcoholic) she would know that she can't control him. She can ask for what she wants and walk away if he won't comply though... that's her prerogative and I wouldn't blame her if she did if the Op insists on putting himself into precarious positions when his sobriety is fairly new.

 

Op also has choices:

>See if his partner will compromise on the time frame for him returning to his musical "hobby."

>Tell his girlfriend to forget it, he's not going to let her control him and chance her leaving him.

>Acquiesce to her condition and remain out of music in that particular dynamic while pursuing his hobby in a different way sans places where alcohol is served.

[j.man]

AA is good for one thing: Talking. It's an opportunity to share.

 

But AA / the 12-Step program actually has one of the worst, if not the worst success rates in publicly funded modern medicine with regard to the treatment of addiction, and in many cases does more harm than good. It's a nearly century old practice that's gone virtually unchanged, and its age shows. It doesn't stand up tot he scrutiny of modern, science-based practice. If you've got the resources, I'd advise for individualized counseling and to include your wife whenever you're comfortable doing so. It's difficult to label you a lifelong addict for having harmfully self-medicated for a single year.

 

The undeniable fact here is that you ****ed up and your wife is under no obligation to see you through this. Be that as it may, lifetime addiction or temporary rut, you should seek a treatment plan and one thought up by a professional, not your untrained wife. A promise to seek treatment and follow through with it is all you can and should give her.

[ThatwasThen]

AA is good for one thing: Talking. It's an opportunity to share.

 

But AA / the 12-Step program actually has one of the worst, if not the worst success rates in publicly funded modern medicine with regard to the treatment of addiction, and in many cases does more harm than good.

Can you provide a link to support your statement, Jman? I would love to read it.

[Lester]

Hey j.man,

Thank you for your quick response. We've talked about marriage counseling as recently as yesterday, but she says she will only pursue it if I can tell her I will keep the band/music thing off the table for an undetermined amount of time. That's what is making my decision on how to move forward so difficult.

 

You're here to justify your drinking and continue drinking.

You should have already known that from your AA meetings.

 

The lies you tell yourself everyday, your presents here, and your manipulation of misinformed advisors is all being done for your next drink.

 

Even your ena name, "kconfused" is meant to manipulate. You're not confused at all.

You know exactly what you have to do but your not ready to do it.

 

If you continue to refuse, you will lose your wife, band and everything that is dear to you. (That is "dear" right now..., soon, only the bottle will matter)

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

You are using the band as a crutch, and as a vehicle for drinking.

 

You need to DETOX, and detox for months where you are retraining your brain situations that involve drinking.

 

Sorry, but you need some shock to your system, and with the endless lying, and being an alcoholic, she has every right to be concerned about your welfare.

 

If you can't choose your family over being in the band and alcohol, then I don't know what to tell you.

 

I think you should try it for six months. She isn't saying quit playing music. She's saying you need to get your sh*t together. Even if you didn't use to drink much, then start drinking everyday to calm your nerves, it's not a habit, it's an addiction.

 

Just replace alcohol with crack, and it's none better. You are lucky that your wife is giving you another chance, and she's asking for you to rebuild your relationship, and part of it means working booze out of your mind. Wake up, what's going on has not been cool - we're not here to give you a green light on trying to manipulate the situation.

[abitbroken]

Like I said before, he can invite someone over to his house to jam, go to a recording studio, have the band play at the local summer outdoor fest, etc - anything but in a bar. Depending on what instrument you play, you can even mix it up and try a different style of music with a different group that does not play in bars and nightclubs.

 

AA is good for one thing: Talking. It's an opportunity to share.

 

But AA / the 12-Step program actually has one of the worst, if not the worst success rates in publicly funded modern medicine with regard to the treatment of addiction, and in many cases does more harm than good. It's a nearly century old practice that's gone virtually unchanged, and its age shows. It doesn't stand up tot he scrutiny of modern, science-based practice. If you've got the resources, I'd advise for individualized counseling and to include your wife whenever you're comfortable doing so. It's difficult to label you a lifelong addict for having harmfully self-medicated for a single year.

 

The undeniable fact here is that you ****ed up and your wife is under no obligation to see you through this. Be that as it may, lifetime addiction or temporary rut, you should seek a treatment plan and one thought up by a professional, not your untrained wife. A promise to seek treatment and follow through with it is all you can and should give her.

 

Actually - if you go to AA because you personally feel that things are out of control (even if you won't yet admit why) and if you stick with it, the very act of having the routine of going and to have people holding you accountable is extremely successful. When you force someone to go to AA and they say "i'm perfect/i don't have a problem/i am just sitting here daydreaming" then it won't be as successful.

Also, it is initially helpful to also go to different groups - if a VFW has it on Tuesday nights and a church has it Saturday nights and another place has it Thursday mornings - go to them all if they are at the times you normally are sitting home alone or out at the bar.

 

When I was going to 12 step meetings (not for alcohol, something else), i found that eventually i dropped all the different groups except the one in a certain location due to logistics and the way it was run, etc, and the level of support due to the fact that there were so many participants.

 

Counseling is good but when the session is over, the counselor is gone. I know for me (not AA but for codependency/abuse survivor, etc.) hearing people who are behind you or way ahead of you in your process is beneficial to show that you are not alone in your struggle.

 

I don't go to meetings now, but there was a time a year ago that I was starting to struggle again and I went to a few to get perspective/get on track again. You have to allow people to walk beside you before you can run on your own in that regard.

 

As far as saying its medical treatment - it isn't! It doesn't claim to be. But alcoholism also has a willpower component to it. While you may not be able to change your body's reaction to it, you can change your behavior towards it. Hopefully if you deal with that component, you won't have to deal with a medical component to work with it. Alcoholism is not something that is "cured" - its an ongoing, lifelong struggle and people do feel "cured" when they conquer the state of having to have a drink by resisting the temptation of alcohol. The cure lasts as long as their willpower does.

[Wiseman2]

You may have to make some concessions to regain trust and get your wife back. Not just go to some meetings, 'try' to quit etc. You've almost hit rock bottom, with your wife leaving etc...but if you are going to AA meetings, they would have covered that

. We've talked about marriage counseling as recently as yesterday, but she says she will only pursue it if I can tell her I will keep the band/music thing off the table for an undetermined amount of time.

[TMifune]

Have you thought about compromising by trying to find alcohol-free venues to play music?

[Lester]

“...one of the primary differences between alcoholics and nonalcoholics is that nonalcoholics change their behavior to meet their goals and alcoholics change their goals to meet their behaviors.”

 

― Alcoholics Anonymous

 

[abitbroken]

“...one of the primary differences between alcoholics and nonalcoholics is that nonalcoholics change their behavior to meet their goals and alcoholics change their goals to meet their behaviors.”

 

― Alcoholics Anonymous

]

 

Yup

 

Have you thought about compromising by trying to find alcohol-free venues to play music?

 

He has zero room to negotiate right now. Right now, his marriage and his sobriety are the most important things in his life - not the band. In time, after his marriage is on strong footing, he is going to AA/counseling regularly and has gotten to a certain point in his sobriety - then playing possibly with DIFFERENT people, or in a whole different style or circuit - sure - but backpedaling and saying "you want me to give up the band - okay, but i am only giving up saturday nights playing at the pub" tells her you don't give a darn about your sobriety, or your marriage. And why the bandmates are enablers - they could be enablers by saying "come on, one beer won't hurt", or even telling him to man up and stand up to his wife, etc, instead of having his back and holding him accountable.

[nutbrownhare]

Can you provide a link to support your statement, Jman? I would love to read it.

 

As it's an anonymous program, I'd be interested in how they gathered the data, too!