developing a crush on a co -worker

[himynameisslim]

Alright, I'm sure this isn't the first time this topic has come up but this post is not a simple, "should I ask out my co worker?" B/c I know it's not right to begin with. I'm looking for insight into my psyche and what the heck is going on with me so I'll try to make this brief as possible.

 

Anyways, I've worked with this co worker for 7 plus years but it wasn't until maybe 4-5 years in that I began to see her in a different light. We started having some happy hours after work and the more I saw her outside of work settings, the more I was drawn to her. Even though we work in the same department, we actually don't interact that often. Some days, I will not even see her. So these happy hours are a nice way to hang out with her and others as well.

 

Lately though, I've noticed my feelings getting much stronger; sort of like stupid puppy/infatuation type of a crush. Now, I have no problems being attracted to hot random woman but I would venture to guess that I would be able to control myself (I'm married btw) better in those situations than if hypothetically my co worker would come onto me. The silly thing is that, I'm 99% sure she only sees me as a co worker and a guy friend at best (she's married as well). So if she's not interested in me and I'll never be in a tempting situation, why am I posting this thread you may ask?

 

For one, it just really caught me off guard. I haven't felt this stupid crush feeling probably since my high school days; heck I never had this in college as well. I'm finding myself thinking about her more and more and the other weird thing is that objectively speaking, I'd say if you were to ask 10 random guys who's hotter, at least 7 or 8 out of 10 would probably say my wife is hotter and I objectively agree. My wife is also 12 plus years younger than my co worker; my co worker is I believe 9-10 years my senior. But for whatever frustrating reason, her aura or whatever you want to call it sucks me right in and it sucks.

 

I also feel guilty and rightfully so. My marriage is pretty good; probably better than most. No issues in my marriage. We still have regular sex, no financial problems, nada. No red flags at all. I guess I've always been the "grass is always greener" type of guy and I hate routine and I guess our marriage, though solid, can get bland over time.

 

Has anyone experienced this intense type of crush before? And btw, I'm not a little teen either. I have plenty of experience in relationships to know that I am putting this woman on a pedestal; I completely get that. But it's just taking me for a loop and any insight or advice to get out of this would be great. Thanks for reading.

[Capricorn3]

(I'm married btw)......... (she's married as well).

I guess I've always been the "grass is always greener" type of guy and I hate routine and I guess our marriage, though solid, can get bland over time..

I was okay with everything until I got to the part in bold. So, you are BOTH MARRIED. Yikes. That's all that needs to be said really. Keep reminding yourself of that fact, because simply put, your crush/infatuation aint going nowhere, (unless of course you intend crossing that line and cheating on your wife).

 

Sounds like you're bored with your marriage and definitely are suffering "grass is greener on the other side". Ever wonder why the grass is greener? There's more manure there, so don't even think about it. If your marriage has turned "bland", I can only suggest marriage counselling to help you guys get back on track again. Your crush will only lead to TWO broken homes and lots of people hurt. Not worth it.

[jennydanielle7]

Well since you mentioned that you and your wife have a great, solid marriage; however, it could get bland sometimes, why don't you guys plan weekly dates? Plan a road trip, summer vacation to look forward to, just something! Do the things you and both her did before getting married; go back into that dating stage again. It may sound a little bit silly, but it does make a huge difference.

 

Never stop dating your spouse. Remember that. Many married couples who have been together for many years forget over time that you cannot stop dating your spouse. You start doing the same old routines, and simply forget that old spark that made you and your partner go nuts for each other in the first place.

 

Start going on dates Friday or Saturday nights. If you both have children, arrange a babysitter or a family member to watch over the kids while you and your wife have some alone time. Go back to the old roots you and your wife had, regain the old spark, and I know for a fact that it will make a difference.

 

Now onto the co-worker thing. It is normal to feel attraction towards others; however, the crush thing... not so much. Which is why I believe that it is vital that you and your wife start spending some actual REAL quality time together. I believe the reason why you are crushing on this co-worker of yours is because you are simply craving that feeling you once had with your wife. You know, that feeling you had when you and her were just recently dating; that butterfly feeling and getting to know the other person. And also, you are bored.

 

Re-date your wife. Go out to new adventures. And if you have a wonderful marriage with your wife, it should give you a bigger incentive to not screw it up. Good marriages these days are hard to come by.

[Matt3939]

I don't think this will work out. Your math doesn't seem right at all. You say 9 out of 10 would find your wife hotter. Is that on the Jeffries scale or the mattatuck? Cause they vary widely. Did you take into account race and environmental factors? Cause ibe heard if you are asian they can pass for 10 years younger. In my experience also though some african Americans can do the same thing. It's just so many factors. Oh wait? You are married and so is she. It's fine to window shop but once you go into the store to talk to the clerk that's where the problems start.

[Iggy5129]

Ever heard the saying "the grass is greener where you water it"?

 

Work on your marriage.

[Jibralta]

married = no

[SherrySher]

If you want to pursue this, get a divorce first. Be fair to your now wife and don't cheat. Also make sure your "crush" gets a divorce as well, no need to go hurting her husband in all of this.

Don't be a selfish person and think to yourself.."so what..we can have sex and still remain with our partners"...those partners..are actual people with feelings and have committed vows to both of you, those things matter.

If you want to do the right thing..put an end to the "happy" hours. This is doing nothing but causing a whole bunch of upcoming pain for someone, whether it be your wife, her husband or one of you. Just don't.

[himynameisslim]

Appreciate the responses. I want to make it clear that this is more about me. Heck, the co worker probably doesn't even know I have a crush on her. Now if she was flirtly and the potential to cheat became apparent, then we would have a major situation on hand. But this isn't the case. I'm just hoping this is a phase. Maybe a mini mid life crisis, I dunno. I've just been bored with life and the routine in general, which is another reason why these feelings have been increased lately. It doesn't make it right but yeah...

 

My d*ck is still in my pants and I intend on keeping it that way. Hopefully these feelings of infatuation will subside over time.

[catfeeder]

(I'm married btw)

 

Naaah, your marriage isn't 'btw,' it's the point. The fact that you regard it as 'btw' is the problem.

 

Your marriage is the place to start. You might view it as 'fine,' but if it were all that fine, you wouldn't have developed the crush.

 

I'd consider ways that I 'wish' that my spouse would improve the marriage. Sure, it's more responsible to think of ways that 'I' would want to improve my marriage, but the problem with that is, you're not interested in improving it, or you wouldn't be projecting fantasies onto someone else, instead.

 

So identify what you are not getting from your marriage. From there, you can start modeling for your spouse ways that she can give to you what you are not getting. If you need help with this, see a therapist. They are trained in this stuff, and people have no trouble hiring a plumber or a tax expert for practical matters. Well, what could be more practical than your quality of life?

 

Seek the help, and delve.

[himynameisslim]

Naaah, your marriage isn't 'btw,' it's the point. The fact that you regard it as 'btw' is the problem.

 

Your marriage is the place to start. You might view it as 'fine,' but if it were all that fine, you wouldn't have developed the crush.

 

I'd consider ways that I 'wish' that my spouse would improve the marriage. Sure, it's more responsible to think of ways that 'I' would want to improve my marriage, but the problem with that is, you're not interested in improving it, or you wouldn't be projecting fantasies onto someone else, instead.

 

So identify what you are not getting from your marriage. From there, you can start modeling for your spouse ways that she can give to you what you are not getting. If you need help with this, see a therapist. They are trained in this stuff, and people have no trouble hiring a plumber or a tax expert for practical matters. Well, what could be more practical than your quality of life?

 

Seek the help, and delve.

 

Thanks a lot for the response and to everyone.