A truly baffling coworker - Please help

[m.d.]

I want you to be objective so as of yet I won't disclose what type of work environment this is.

 

Basically there is a girl in a place where I started to work a year ago now, it's truly hard for me to determine whether is a friend or an enemy.

She is the only other Black girl in my place and she's 15 years older than me (or so she claims), she also claims to have been working there more than 3 years but maybe it's not true. So as you can imagine since I'm young and a newbie I kept running back to her with everything, every single question. You know, like, when you have a mentor. To the point that I felt insecure when she WASN'T there - which is ridiculous because now I'd pay anything to make her leave. Now what turns out the advice she has been given me has been false, not outwardly false, let's call it misleading.

 

All of it started from the point when let's say in the 2nd month I made comments like "I'm here just for the moment, there are better options", I also said how I'm not really the type to be saving money, I'd rather simply work more and how much I spend on a trainer (I actually asked her what does she think). Those 3 comments and she turned from supporter to enemy.

 

It's truly annoying, if I say A, she's going to be AUTOMATIC B, if I say B, her side is A (I checked it, she JUST wants to be antagonistic).

She talks to me in a patronizing way.

She tries to intimidate me.

She tries to make me feel bad about myself with EVERY SINGLE comment (look how tiring that must be, being so concentrated - or maybe it's part of her persona).

We talk and she starts to yawn at me.

 

Can we really talk about bullying or I'm exaggerating?

 

I'm just thinking and why I'm writing is what may be a strategy of such a person? If she wanted me simply out then being a skilled manipulator she is she would have long done it.

 

I may be annoyed, because she has truly been there and in my particular city longer and if straight, she'd be mountain of info.

 

She seems to be the enemy of me getting ANYWHERE with this, because it has been 1 year now. Every single "idea" for me being successful (you know how with coworkers you share, maybe I could do this better, maybe I could do that better) she shots down.

 

The problem IMO cannot be money because she has been in the industry longer, she is older therefore more experienced and she makes more money than me. Maybe she doesnt keep as much, I don't know.

 

Maybe the work environment is toxic in itself and encourages bullying and it's simply time to leave.

You know there are some supercompetitive environments when it's all about knocking competition off.

[melancholy123]

Why do you continue to work there?

[j.man]

Is it her actual job to mentor you? And why in the world would she want to invest the time and effort after you mentioned you're only there "for the moment?"

 

To be honest, it sounds like you annoy her, and from the tone of your post, it doesn't sound like it's without merit. She's a coworker, not a database for you to exploit.

[nuttybuddy]

if she's been there 3+ yrs, she has invested her life into it. it's a career for her. but for you to say that this job is temporary cuz you can get something else better, is pretty callous. it shows that you're not sensitive to her situation. maybe she would like to get a better job too but she can't. maybe she has to save every penny she makes to make ends meet while you're saying you can just go find more work if you need more money. i think you are very naive to say the things you are saying. youth is momentary. you have your strength and energy now, but soon you will find that you can get tired. then, you won't want to work 2 or 3 jobs for more money. don't work harder, work smarter. your 3 comments are off putting. like, how you spend money on a trainer shows that you care very much about your looks. it's not a bad thing, but it can be a shallow thing especially if you flaunt it like you did by telling someone that. you could just have a trainer and not tell anyone about it, unless of course they ask.

[catfeeder]

"I'm here just for the moment, there are better options",

 

This isn't the kind of thing you tell coworkers when starting a new job. It's dismissive and insulting to those who view their jobs there as important to them, and it will guarantee that they won't lift a finger to help someone who views her job as a temporary thing. Why would they invest in that?

 

So we live and learn. You just insulted your way to enemy status, and if you want to repair that, you may want to backpeddle on that comment and apologize for it.

[m.d.]

Aha so her intimidation and patronizing and bullying is understandable in your opinion?

[thejigsup]

Not only understandable, but also most likely warranted. You sound like a very annoying coworker.

[m.d.]

Not only understandable, but also most likely warranted. You sound like a very annoying coworker.

 

Necessary like how? I really would like know. Put me in my place, get me out of place, what

[Batya33]

I agree that if a new colleague said there were better options I would invest zero time in her and also avoid her in any professional sense (meaning, if I really liked her as a person maybe I'd socialize with her outside the office but that's it). I'm new at my job after 7.5 years out of the workforce (I was raising my child full time) and I never ever complain about anything. There aren't really things to complain about -but even the most minor stuff -I'll tell my husband, my sister my friend but never at work. It's your job to be positive, to have a can-do attitude, to appreciate if anyone mentors you (that's extra- no one is obligated to do that) . Also be careful about sharing what you spend on luxuries especially - that's out of context -she barely knows you, she only knows that you can afford a personal trainer and apparently you spend a lot on that trainer.

 

I've mentored people who really didn't appreciate it, I've had people flaunt their wealth/connections, etc. - it's not a good look as some like to say. No, it's not right to act in a bullying way but she's reacting to feeling like you don't appreciate your job and by extension, her time investment in you.

[m.d.]

I agree that if a new colleague said there were better options I would invest zero time in her and also avoid her in any professional sense (meaning, if I really liked her as a person maybe I'd socialize with her outside the office but that's it). I'm new at my job after 7.5 years out of the workforce (I was raising my child full time) and I never ever complain about anything. There aren't really things to complain about -but even the most minor stuff -I'll tell my husband, my sister my friend but never at work. It's your job to be positive, to have a can-do attitude, to appreciate if anyone mentors you (that's extra- no one is obligated to do that) . Also be careful about sharing what you spend on luxuries especially - that's out of context -she barely knows you, she only knows that you can afford a personal trainer and apparently you spend a lot on that trainer.

 

I've mentored people who really didn't appreciate it, I've had people flaunt their wealth/connections, etc. - it's not a good look as some like to say. No, it's not right to act in a bullying way but she's reacting to feeling like you don't appreciate your job and by extension, her time investment in you.

Then the boss should be offended not her. It's a childish reaction. I would not give a flying ... if somebody said those things to me. Yeah, she does act like she wants me to appreciate what I have. Thats what I mean by patronizing. Its just strange. If the place is a Gods gift to her, cool. And if you would know what industry I am talking about, you would know in our particular city there are many alternatives. I stayed bc of x, y, z.

[Batya33]

Then the boss should be offended not her. It's a childish reaction. I would not give a flying ... if somebody said those things to me. Yeah, she does act like she wants me to appreciate what I have. Thats what I mean by patronizing. Its just strange. If the place is a Gods gift to her, cool. And if you would know what industry I am talking about, you would know in our particular city there are many alternatives. I stayed bc of x, y, z.

 

Ironic that you would describe someone else's reaction as "childish". It doesn't matter how you would feel if someone said those things to you. Perhaps you have a thicker skin. Irrelevant. She doesn't and she is your co-worker. The "appreciate what you have" was in reaction to your bad mouthing your workplace and sharing about how much you pay for your trainer. There's a vast spectrum between thinking a place is the best ever and thinking you can do better - and my guess is even if she agrees with you she knows it's inappropriate to share that in the workplace especially when she was a new employee.

 

If you have many alternatives, then leave, go to one of those many alternatives, and let someone who appreciates being employed where you are take your spot.

[catfeeder]

Then the boss should be offended not her. It's a childish reaction. I would not give a flying ... if somebody said those things to me. Yeah, she does act like she wants me to appreciate what I have. Thats what I mean by patronizing. Its just strange. If the place is a Gods gift to her, cool. And if you would know what industry I am talking about, you would know in our particular city there are many alternatives. I stayed bc of x, y, z.

 

By putting down the job, you're also putting down her job. You can keep defending and blaming all you want--you're the one who's miserable. If you want to change it, then change it.

[j.man]

We talk and she starts to yawn at me.

Don't know how I didn't notice this in the original post before, but that's pretty funny.