Woke up foul, why is it such a struggle?

[Vanishing Girl]

I woke up not liking my toddler, my life, or myself very much today. I don't know what my focus is from day to day because even if I clue in all it takes is one temper tantrum and I am spent.

 

Emotional eating at night makes me feel gross in the mornings and I've been at it for weeks now. It's so disgusting.

 

I walked my dog this morning and while we were walking I kept reminding myself I just need to change my attitude....change my thoughts, but it's like there's a block and I don't...all that comes up/out is more negative thinking and complaining.

 

What the f is wrong with me?!?

 

My husband took care of our son and is telling me go do whatever you want for yourself and even there I'm at a loss. I'm so used to being the caretaker I don't know what "I" want to do.

 

Part vent, part documenting.

[gebaird]

It sounds to me like you are reaching an emotional saturation point, filled with resentment and losing your sense of self.

 

Telling yourself to change your attitude is like telling yourself not to think of something. "Don't think of an elephant!" What did you just think of? An elephant, of course. A better strategy is to redirect. Start a gratitude journal, find a hobby, give yourself a break from caregiving every once in a while and remember who you were before all this. Focus on the good in your life and create something that's all your own.

 

The emotional eating is a symptom. Look for what's behind it. You're starving, but not for food. Perhaps affection, solitude, appreciation. If you were firing on all cylinders, a meltdown from a toddler wouldn't drain your reserves.

 

There could be more to this -- depression, for example. It depends how long it's been going on.

 

Be careful of self-punishment. The "It's so disgusting" comment may seem like it will help, like if you beat yourself up for bad behavior then the bad behavior will stop. But it actually fuels the bad behavior. Nothing good ever came from shame.

 

Use the way you are feeling today as a wake up call. You may not know exactly how to change, but you know that you need to and that awareness will serve you as you search for solutions.

 

The work you are doing -- being a wife and mother -- it isn't for the faint of heart. I'm sure you've talked to people who have just completely found themselves in those roles, but many others lose themselves. They want to enjoy it, they want to feel fulfilled -- but they don't. It's okay to feel what you feel. Acknowledge it, find a way of being a mother and wife that works for you (may not necessarily be the same way everyone else does it).

 

Maybe the solution is something small, like more bubble baths or girls nights. Or maybe it's something bigger, like talking to a therapist to make significant changes.

 

Taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It's how you replenish your reserves so you can better take care of others. You've been putting everyone else first. Start making time for yourself.

[Vanishing Girl]

Part of it is I was still discovering who I was before becoming a mother and it's almost like, since becoming one, I've been pushed several rungs down from where I was. Most of my life I was a daughter who tried to please her parents (there was no such thing as pleasing them as they were involved in their own disfunction and kids were an after thought).

 

I knew/know of of this (what you write) I made those realizations before. How could I have slipped backwards so much? I get so angry at myself for that....

Speaking of I know self abuse is still abuse. I have so much hate and anger at myself and no clue where it comes from or how to rectify it.

 

I am starving for solitude, connection, friendship, fun, appreciation, everything....I always have been and when I do the work it takes to ensure I have all those things it takes up all my time. I barely made time for my marriage before because I was so busy doing me (and hubby wasn't making an effort either, so I looked at it as why make an effort when I'm the only one doing so?). We got along better when we were each doing our own thing....

 

I don't have girls nights ever...long story, but short of it is I guess most people don't like being around me and those that do, I get to do the work to get us together....I'm too tired and quite frankly sick of being the one to always make the effort. For the first time in my life, I'm not making an effort to be social and stay more to myself. It actually feels better, but I wonder if it's worse for me.

 

I do have a therapy appointment in a couple weeks. I'm hitting this as hard as I can as I'm sick of feeling the way I do and it's obvious I'm not getting better by my own doing.

[Vanishing Girl]

I will have to start a gratitude journal again. That's what I did a while back because it literally helped me see and focus on the good and kept me happier, but for some reason I can only keep it up when others are involved. I was blogging it or FB it on my coaching page (go figure I'm a coach...though I've temporarily stopped because I am such a mess I can't possibly help others...plus it felt hypocritical). Anyway I was told it was too personal and too "me" focused for a blog or business related item, so to can it. Plus no one was ever sharing their gratitude, which is what I was hoping to inspire. Even just one other person, but nope...

The obvious thing would be to have my own personal gratitude notebook, but the motivation isn't stable enough for me and I don't keep up with it. It's like I need an audience, but as I feel/think I am I don't want or need an audience. Hoping therapy can help me see what I'm obviously in denial about.

 

My biggest concern (on top of all this about ME) is that I don't let it affect how my son sees the world or himself. If I negatively affect him in the way I see I was affected by parents I'd be sick. I'd do anything to prevent him struggling in the same way I do.

[gebaird]

(go figure I'm a coach...though I've temporarily stopped because I am such a mess I can't possibly help others...plus it felt hypocritical).

 

I see what you are saying, but at the same time it seems like we are all broken in different ways and in the end it's just broken people helping other broken people. I'm betting you have more to offer in this area than you realize.

 

My biggest concern (on top of all this about ME) is that I don't let it affect how my son sees the world or himself. If I negatively affect him in the way I see I was affected by parents I'd be sick. I'd do anything to prevent him struggling in the same way I do.

 

Hands down, the single best thing you can do to help your son is help yourself.

 

Love your self-awareness, vanishing girl.

 

Keep fighting. You'll figure this out.

[Vanishing Girl]

Thanks for the encouragement