tesscap21 Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 So I met this guy about 3 months ago and I fell for him right away. I was really attracted to him and I really enjoyed spending time and talking to him. From the beginning he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship so basically we were friends with benefits for 3 months, but I had really strong feelings for him. I told him this several times and he knew how I felt about him and he still said we could just be friends. We still slept together and acted like we were dating, but then I felt he was just using me to help him get over his ex, and he always asked me for rides everywhere. Also, after about 2 months he stared acting like he didn't even enjoy my company, like we would go somewhere and he would act like he didn't even know me and just text the whole time. He also made insulting comments about how I dressed how I should go tanning. And he always made a point to say how pretty other girls were right in front of me but he never complimented me (even though I complimented him constantly). I started to feel like we weren't even friends. So 2 days ago I told him I don't want to stay friends because I had feelings for him and it was too painful for me to hangout knowing it wouldn't go anywhere. He got really defensive and told me it doesn't make sense that I wouldn't want to be friends just because I have feelings for him and he doesn't feel the same. But like I said, I don't even think he liked me as a friend. I feel like I was just a person for him to hangout with when he was bored and who could give him rides. He wasn't understanding about it at all when I told him how I felt. Does it sound like I did the right thing or not? I feel crappy about it now Link to comment
Jibralta Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Yuck. You definitely did the right thing. I don't even think he liked me as a friend. I feel like I was just a person for him to hangout with when he was bored and who could give him rides. He wasn't understanding about it at all when I told him how I felt. I think your observation here is completely correct. And honestly, who gives a $hit about whether he understands your reasoning or not. He is an invalidating jerk who obviously gets off on making you feel constantly wrong. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 This guy was honest with your right from the start that he did not care about you in a romantic way. He had sex with you, but to him it was only a physical act with no feelings behind it. You started feeling something more for him and allowed him to use you for rides etc. He also told you once again that he does not care for you in the same way. It made the most sense for you to tell him you don't even want to remain friends, after all..why would you? You will only continue to torture yourself and try and force someone to care that does not care. He has used you in more than one way and you need to get your dignity back and get away from him. You can't force feelings from someone who just does not have them. Plus he puts you down!?...wow woman, seriously...get away from this man...he is toxic to you. Link to comment
Scoe141 Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 At the end of the day, you need to do what's best for you. It doesn't matter what he thinks. He doesn't control you or your actions. He can pout all he wants. This guy sounds like a jerk, both in the dating and friendship world. You don't need that toxicity. Good luck. Link to comment
greta96 Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Of course you did the right thing! Becoming "friends with benefits" with a guy you were infatuated with was a very bad idea to begin with, this is not how FWB is done. In fact, since you only met him 3 months ago, which means there was no friendship to talk about, what you were is called f*ck buddies not FWB. Make this a rule for the future: if you really like a guy to the point where you feel you are falling for him, do not, under any circumstances, accept the role of his sex doll. Having feelings means you cannot handle a f*ck buddy relationship with the guy, so pretending to be ok with it just to keep him in your life is about the worst thing you could do to yourself, and it usually ends up the way you just experienced. The only time it's ok to go ahead with a f*ck buddy relationship is when you 100% don't like the guy, you don't feel anything for him, but you are horny enough so that any penis will do, regardless whom it is attached to. But clearly, this was not the case. The reason he tried resisting you cutting off the "benefits" is just that, because he liked having sex and free rides whenever he pleased and losing those meant he had to put in the effort to once again find someone naive to use, the same way he did with you. Don't feel crappy about cutting the leech off, feel crappy because you allowed yourself to be fooled by the leech and because your standards were not high enough. But be proud of yourself for ending a situation that was not benefiting you in any way, because I promise you things wouldn't have changed no matter how long you would have tried to stick with him hoping for his feelings to magically turn around. Be happy it was only 3 months, some people let themselves be used like that for years! You did the right thing, now be careful not to let him weasel his way back in, which he may try because he knows the odds of him finding another woman as naive as you are slim. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 this is not how FWB is done. In fact, since you only met him 3 months ago, which means there was no friendship to talk about, what you were is called f*ck buddies not FWB. Ha! It's fascinating how shades of meaning evolve over time. I remember FWB evolving into a "thing" while I was in high school. I think it was sort of natural to youth and curiosity. And there really was a friendship there. You just start "poaching" some of them. It was two people who liked each other and each other's company, but one or both wasn't interested in a commitment. There's a certain measure of safety and comfort, because the person you are with truly respects and cares for you. They are your friend. Now I see it where "FWB" is being used to describe uneven situations where one person sacrifices and the other reaps the benefits. Definitely need a new term here, because FWB isn't that. It's actual friends. And I don't even know if the term can really apply to adult relationships. They're just more complicated. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Excellent. Agree he was a user and you were right to end this sooner rather than later. Don't buy his guilt trips. Move on to someone who wants to date/have a relationship, now that's this dead weight is out of your way. From the beginning he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship so basically we were friends with benefits for 3 months. I felt he was just using me to help him get over his ex, and he always asked me for rides everywhere I feel like I was just a person for him to hangout with when he was bored and who could give him rides. Same guy? Link to comment
tesscap21 Posted September 10, 2016 Author Share Posted September 10, 2016 Thanks, I appreciate the advice. Yep, that's the same guy Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Of course he got defensive - he knows you're cutting off his supply of sex and car rides. He's most definitely using you for those two things, and doesn't really even see you as a friend. You have done the right thing, no doubt about it. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Oh my god don't you go anywhere near him again , cut all contact and if he tries to see you tell him to feck off .... and it will be on your head if you allow him back in your life again . Link to comment
tesscap21 Posted September 10, 2016 Author Share Posted September 10, 2016 Just to add to how he treated me, he would ask me for favors like going to pick him up an hour away, lending him money, paying for him to go out to eat and buying him cigarettes and taking him to go shopping (he didn't have a car). The only things I ever asked him to do were to go places with me (I always drove and usually paid for him) and he acted like it was a huge burden for him and like I owed him something in return. I asked him to go to a wedding with me and he said only if I took him to get a car he was trying to buy, which was a 3 hour drive each way. But he swore he cared about me, and when I told him I no longer want to be friends he told me he cared about me but didn't want to date me so I have no reason to stop being his friend. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 ^Barf. He also let me drive home from his house drunk multiple times saying "it's your life so you do what you want" and never texted me to see if I got home ok. Stop driving drunk, regardless. It's dangerous to other people, not just you. Link to comment
tesscap21 Posted September 10, 2016 Author Share Posted September 10, 2016 I didn't actually drive, I called for a ride but he didn't know that. He just let me leave the house not caring how I got home. I would never take that risk, but just the fact that he would let me and not care what happened to me. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 I would never take that risk, but just the fact that he would let me and not care what happened to me. Very telling. Link to comment
tesscap21 Posted September 10, 2016 Author Share Posted September 10, 2016 Thank you everyone, I feel much better about my decision now. I shouldn't feel guilty at all, the guy clearly didn't care about me and is only mad because he doesn't have a free taxi anymore. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Yeah, he "cares" all right. He cares about your car, your money and your lady parts. And he's mad because now he has to go find someone else who is willing to do all of that for him, for free. I don't agree that he "used" or "fooled" you, because he was upfront about how he felt (or, more accurately, didn't feel). I understand you'd hoped that if you did all that for him, he'd realize what a great girl you are and he'd want more. Except, no one falls in love with a doormat. I'm glad you regained your dignity and self-respect and told him "no more". Be prepared for him to try to sweet talk you or give you a guilt trip, because he wants you to continue to give him free goodies. Don't fall for it. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Clearly this is horrid and he was a parasite. Maybe use this event to reflect on why someone like his even entered your life so you can see red flags earlier and prevent getting involved with guys like this. Were you lonely or rebounding or in a bad place at the time? he would ask me for favors like going to pick him up an hour away, lending him money, paying for him to go out to eat and buying him cigarettes and taking him to go shopping (he didn't have a car). Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Thank you everyone, I feel much better about my decision now. I shouldn't feel guilty at all, the guy clearly didn't care about me and is only mad because he doesn't have a free taxi anymore. good xx *hugs Link to comment
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