Is It possible to ''freeze'' some feelings?

[Void1122]

I don't have bad experiences with people often (maybe because i enjoy solitude and don't encounter them so often).When i do, i can get easily offended, even by my friends. I have always feared shame and humiliation but on the outside i won't show my feelings.I have never fought anyone, on the outside i seem calm and unconcerned while there's a fire raging inside me.I have wished horrible things upon some people who taunted me and wanted to push me to fight them despite the fact i didn't do anything to them. The problem is that when someone triggers my anger i hardly function reasonably for some time, but on the outside i seem calm. It's similar to when my team was taunted in sport and i, enraged, began making mistakes.I dont want anyone to get the best of me like that.Some people said i need someone to love and care for, but when i, as stupid as i was, fell for a girl, she literally said she would rather die than go on a date and people around laughed-That's when i decided to limit my attention only to people who would appreciate it,like my friends.It still bothers me when i see a couple, kissing or walking hand to hand- How do i make myself feel careless about it? I am a bookworm but i don't think there's a book that would help me get such control over myself, so people who have managed to do this, your experiences will be much appreciated! I have dreams and goals in my life that will require lots of determination and time. I can't reach them while being an emotional wreck

[SherrySher]

You sound as thought you are having trouble with self esteem issues and confidence. Many people have this problem. And it sounds as though you are not knowing how to cope with things as well as maybe you would like to, and you end up suffering with so many hurt emotions inside.

Have you considered seeing a counsellor or therapist who can help you work out how to have better control of your emotions and how to cope with them better?

 

We all have times where we feel rejected or let down etc...but there is a difference between knowing how to cope with it and not let it get to you so much and letting it get to you so much that it causes a rage inside.

You don't have to continue being so unhappy, but you do need someone to help guide you with all of this and get you feeling better about yourself and your emotions.

When that happens, it won't matter what goes on around you, you will be more confident and won't take things so personally and in general feel better about yourself and life.

[Void1122]

Sometimes i do have troubles with self esteem and confidence, but usually only when it comes to things i am new to or inexperienced in. Because if there's something i hate it is failure when i was bound to success. But i don't give in to others, i do what i think is best. About the therapist or counsellor i will think about it, but i don't want relatives to think there's something unpleasant going on with me. I have always liked keeping my things in order and this is similar to what i am trying to accomplish. Keeping my emotions under control so i would feel what i wanted to, and not let some inner deep emotion strike me when i am not prepared

[catfeeder]

I don't have bad experiences with people often (maybe because i enjoy solitude and don't encounter them so often).When i do, i can get easily offended, even by my friends.

 

Isolation breeds oversensitivity, and the healthiest way to combat that is to socialize more. Solitude is an inward focus, and while that's good to a degree, too much of it can breed narcissism and a focus on self importance that is fragile and hostile.

 

If you go to school, you have access to counseling services that your tuition or your taxes have already paid for. I'd consider using it to learn how to best manage your perceptions and social interactions while you're still young enough for changes to more easily take effect.

 

If you aren't in school, what do you think you can do to build better social resilience?

 

Head high.

[Void1122]

I start with college this autumn and i will probably meet quite some new people and have a chance to build some new friendships. I already have quite some friends but we don't see each other often, and they were the only people i interacted with when i went on a party or basically any event.But all friends i have, i met in school because it's the easiest way to get them. Probably because I fear rejection, that's why i haven't had the guts to even share a word with any girl i would like to meet since the last incident.

 

People gave me a lot of advice on how not to be played with by emotions or basically how to remain emotionless in certain situations. It's not so easy to do but it seems to work to some extent. However a therapist i had a short chat with today said that it's not a good idea to do that, but would not answer me why? I agree i have to improve my skills to socialize with more people but why would it be bad if i remained stone cold when i face the next rejection?

[catfeeder]

I start with college this autumn and i will probably meet quite some new people and have a chance to build some new friendships.

 

Good. Your tuition covers mental health counseling on campus. Since you've paid for it already, I'd use it. I'd develop an ongoing relationship with a therapist there, regardless of whether you're seeing another therapist at home, so that this person can be available to you (and know you already) should you find yourself in a difficult spot handling your emotions. Otherwise, can use your sessions to ask for help in navigating social situations, and the therapist can give you mental techniques to manage your perceptions and how you respond to them.

 

[...] Probably because I fear rejection, that's why i haven't had the guts to even share a word with any girl i would like to meet since the last incident.

 

What kind of incident? What happened, and how did you respond? What is it you would like to change about your response going forward?

 

Everyone fears rejection. One thing I've found helpful is to change the voice I run in my head from jacking up my fears to making my social attempts more about helping someone else feel comfortable. This changes my focus from worry about being judged to becoming more generous and thoughtful toward other people. Since I already know what it's like to be fearful, I can stop singling myself out as the only one with fears, and instead I can relax into the fact that I'm no better--but no worse--than anybody else. So I can afford to be kind to people just by recognizing that they all have their own fears, too. They just appear to handle them better, and that's something I can learn.

 

People gave me a lot of advice on how not to be played with by emotions or basically how to remain emotionless in certain situations. It's not so easy to do but it seems to work to some extent. However a therapist i had a short chat with today said that it's not a good idea to do that, but would not answer me why?

 

I would continue to ask the therapist until you get an answer that makes sense to you.

 

What kind of situations, and what emotions are you trying to squelch? Your therapist is probably concerned that if you repress your emotions, they're more likely to come out sideways when you least expect it. It's better to learn how to manage your perceptions of such situations, so when they occur, you can also manage your responses to them. That's more about behavior than emotions. We can manage our behavior until we can exit the situation, then we can process the emotions in healthy ways instead of trying to repress them.

 

That's how to build confidence over time as we learn how to perceive rejection differently. I've come to see it as two people viewing one another through different lenses. Any two people can have lenses that just don't synch. That doesn't make either person 'wrong,' it just means that they're not a good match. Most people are not our match--that's just the odds with millions of people in the world. We all have unique lenses, and rejection just speaks of the limits of another's lens rather than of any deficiency in you.

 

I agree i have to improve my skills to socialize with more people but why would it be bad if i remained stone cold when i face the next rejection?

 

I don't understand what that means. What are you interpreting as rejection?

[Void1122]

Well it's a technique which does its best to prevent you from getting hurt on the inside. I don't know if you will understand but it's like trying to understand events objectively as possible. As if they didn't happen to me, but to someone far far away. Therapist says that through some time i may not be able to feel happy events as before and everything would feel the same. I don't think that would really happen but i can't be sure since i am not quite versed in psychology or mental health.

 

I fear rejection (rejection as being a nuisance to those i would like to build relationships/friendships/work with) because it hits badly on my self esteem, even though i love being myself, it bothers me if i am not good enough for someone. It makes it harder to walk up to someone else and try doing the same. Sounds quite egocentric but really i am not

[catfeeder]

Well it's a technique which does its best to prevent you from getting hurt on the inside. I don't know if you will understand but it's like trying to understand events objectively as possible. As if they didn't happen to me, but to someone far far away. Therapist says that through some time i may not be able to feel happy events as before and everything would feel the same. I don't think that would really happen but i can't be sure since i am not quite versed in psychology or mental health.

 

I fear rejection (rejection as being a nuisance to those i would like to build relationships/friendships/work with) because it hits badly on my self esteem, even though i love being myself, it bothers me if i am not good enough for someone. It makes it harder to walk up to someone else and try doing the same. Sounds quite egocentric but really i am not

 

There's nothing wrong with using a focus that keeps you objective. It allows you to observe yourself as well, and it's not a technique you're likely to get 'stuck' in. People work hard to master it because it requires an aware focus, not repression. If the person who warned you against then is your regular therapist, then you can pursue more clarity about this going forward.

 

You're still speaking in generalities, and you didn't discuss any of the incidents you're concerned about. Can you give some examples?

[Void1122]

He is not my regular therapist just a therapist that lives nearby and i visited every now and then. However i do practice being objective to things and can see progress

 

Oh you mean the incident when i thought i was in love with a girl? I am a total disaster when it comes to girls and when i wanted to meet one she said she would rather die..I don't know why such response, probably i asked her out at a wrong time. It would be ok if we were alone but there were people around and i even felt dizzy for a moment. This is the only incident worth pointing out, the rest are just strutting of other people trying to taunt me or make me mad for no reason..I will practice being objective as possible and be ready for the worst before it happens, so when another decides to go hard on me i will be like: That didn't work out as planned, but let's move on That doesn't mean i don't give a damn about it, it's seeing mistakes/events as they are and trying to do better next time, without raging or being sad, afraid for long after..

[catfeeder]

I am a total disaster when it comes to girls and when i wanted to meet one she said she would rather die..I don't know why such response, probably i asked her out at a wrong time. It would be ok if we were alone but there were people around and i even felt dizzy for a moment.This is the only incident worth pointing out, [...]

 

Careful not to catastrophize this one incident, then. That won't serve you; it sets you up to BECOME disastrous (...saying 'I am a disaster,' is a suggestion your unconscious will latch onto and make so,) so be careful about how you language your self talk.

 

My biggest take from this would be, "Why on earth would I put such high stakes on asking a girl out--and then do so in front of people?"

 

The girl was immature and handled badly being put in the spot in front of an audience. She delivered a harsh punishment to you for that, but you get to decide whether to learn from it to become wiser, more resilient and more confident, OR, whether you'll use it as a pivotal moment to make yourself fragile and fearful.

 

That choice is within your control.

 

Head high.

[Void1122]

Yes, i understand what you mean. The audience were just passers by though, still quite bad i guess. But yes, i can be too critical of myself if i fail at something and that's yet to be fixed

 

Thanks for your help, you have really helped to give me an insight into my own mistakes and motivated me to stand up to them instead of forcing myself to not care, when in reality, i do. There's much to do, but atleast i know where to begin