Obsessesing and Need Help - Am I Crazy? Or is he?

[Xager]

This is a long story, but if you don't want to read the whole story, skip to the last paragraph for the most recent of events "Here is the turning point" below. I added our backstory because I feel like maybe I'm delusional for being so forgiving... or maybe he is crazy himself? Maybe both? I've never been in an on-and-off relationship until this guy. I've been holding a lot of this inside of me for an entire year...so it took me quite a bit of courage to post this. Please bear with me!!!

 

I have fallen in love with one of the most puzzling guys I have ever known. Our history is brief (1 year) but it has had many extreme ups and downs, and you would think by now, I would understand why he gives me the silent treatment for months on end. He has a predictable pattern but the “why” is unclear. We met last summer and hit it off quickly, it was passionate and exciting. Our friendship also blossomed quickly, he even called me his ‘best friend’. By day we are both professionals, by night we are both musicians that love to write music together, we make a great team. He started his own business and even asked for my help. He put the brakes on after a couple of months because he felt guilty about the way things ended with his ex-girlfriend. I was quite upset by this, but stuck it out because I really did want to remain friends with him, and we did. Things with them ended after only 2 months.

 

We were getting closer, rather rapidly once again, and at Christmas time he asked me to come to his family’s house on a whim out of state. Excited by this romantic adventure, I agreed and got there the next day to have dinner with and meet and stay with his family. I was so starry eyed and things were going so well, it felt like a dream. Well, dream it was. Because 2 weeks later, he grew completely distant and pulled away to the point where he was ignoring my texts, saying he would come over but then wouldn’t, even was a bit mean and snappy towards me. We had stopped talking for about a week, when I started to wonder why he needed so much space. Maybe another week later, apparently, he had started dating someone else. I was completely devastated! I thought our feelings were mutual – we spent EVERY day together, sometimes even visited during lunch breaks, all-nighters, his band practices, it was probably too much time honestly. As you can see the trend, he is a completely impulsive type of guy. I did not even know about her… someone slipped and told me a few weeks later. Apparently he did not feel the “need” to tell me about her because (wait for it) he has NEVER called me his girlfriend, officially anyway. This was complete news to me. Silly me for making an assumption, sure, but with everything leading up to this, any girl might have thought they were at least ‘together’, or dating at some level. Well, at first I was extremely angry of course and did everything I could to stop thinking about him. Later, I was more upset and sad, and I still missed him every day. I grew very depressed, and every day felt so empty and dead. I finally grew the courage to write him a few letters and leave them on his car. A few months later, I got a random phone call at work from him joking around, being silly, endearing, charming, etc. So, I saw him the next day to pick up a mutual friend from the airport. It was a lot of fun, and I couldn’t be happier. He said that the other girl did not have a good personality (for him) and he ended up just not liking her (although told me he DID like her a lot…previous to this, so I don’t know). Our mutual friend told me he called her a “connect” – in music networking, as she is a local producer. Another mutual friend told me he had cheated on her, which is the truth. He got dumped. He was upset, so I assume that he did actually like her (and yet told me nothing but negative things about her).

 

Again, for the third time, it seemed he was crawling back to me. I was very skeptical and guarded this time, and promised to myself that we would not have physical affection of any kind. “I wouldn’t get too close”, I told myself (yeah right, I’m in LOVE with him). I told him, that we would only be friends, and that I do not have any romantic interest in him any more. Of course, that did not last very long. All summer, he actually proved himself. His business had taken off, he was spending every night with me, he even cooked for me and helped me financially after I lost my job. One day he said “You KNOW how I feel about you!” after kicking out a mutual who had disrespected me. He would help me around the house, cleaning and fixing things, yard work, anything I asked. Everything seemed like it was going well. A few times I had cut him off to sex, because it just felt like we were going back into the same patterns…. and he would talk me back into it, stating that things might be going somewhere. He said I was impatient and too controlling. One day, he told me he lost his wallet. I told him I’d help him find it. Well, maybe I was digging a little too deep in his things and found an envelope that said “Sentiment” on it, and attached to that envelope was another that said “Letters”. I thought, aw how cute, he keeps his old girlfriends love letters. I looked inside and the only letters there were the ones I had written him from months ago. He did not keep anything else I had given him, but those. I felt kind of confused, honestly. Did he do this on purpose perhaps, knowing I might find it?

 

Here is the recent turning point.

 

On my birthday, he had taken me out on a fabulous date. He took night off of work and brought me out to a wonderful, elaborate sushi dinner. He was such a gentleman, pulling out my chair, paying for dinner, he even set up to pay my mortgage the following month because I was worried about not affording it. We had a great time, went home and played music for a while together. He built me a fire, held me hand, kissed me lovingly (he’s not much of a kisser), and had one of the best love making sessions, possibly ever. He made me feel like a beautiful queen, so special and important. However, now I feel like it was nothing but a pity party. A big joke. That I was just his pet. Because not even a week later, I had taken him out to dinner as a farewell (He was moving back to Texas. Ironically – I am also moving to Texas for a job I acquired during our separation. I had no idea he was moving until very recently). He did not even shower beforehand and all through dinner he was negative, sad looking, just not his spunky self. After dinner, he didn’t even really seem to want to hang out with me. He called a few of his buddies, but none of them answered. He then randomly said, “Oh hey, I’m going to Charles’ house. His couch is super comfy and uhhh I might fall asleep there” and rushed out the door without even saying goodbye. I knew Charles wasn’t up this late. I knew he was lying to me. My heart broke into a thousand more pieces. Ok??? Yes we are just friends but what the heck? Things were going well (or so I had thought!). Not only that, but the next day, I found out that he had accidentally put 500 dollars worth of charges on my debit card. I confronted him about it and he had a variety of reactions – at first he sort of freaked out and fled. He came back and then told me it was my own fault. Then he said that he was sorry and would work more days in town so that he could make it up to me. Then, he disappeared! He left 2 dump trucks worth of tree limbs in my driveway, which I had to pay 750 dollars to get removed before the city was going to cite me. One friend says he’s been staying with a ‘friend’ but didn’t know who. Another said he’s been sleeping in his car and his storage unit. I don't know and I don’t care, because no, we are not 'official'. But the complete and utter lies and betrayal absolutely baffles me!!! At the least, I thought he could at least talk to me about it. Later, I learned he was having money troubles, but he eventually paid everyone back (but me).

 

What did I do? Did I scare him away? Did I put too much pressure on him? I know he had been talking to both of the ex girlfriends I mentioned, but he moved back to his hometown so I attributed that to his move. I am very confused. I felt very loved by him most days, and other days it was like I do not even exist in his mind. At the very least, I would like to know what the heck I did in order to lose my best friend. Obviously he does not want to be in a relationship with me… but then what gives with the *extreme* push-pull routine?

 

PLEASE HELP. I AM DEVASTATED AND OBSESSING EVERY DAY.

[Wiseman2]

Read "The Sociopath Next Door" and google 'The Hare Psychopathy Checklist' to avoid guys like this in the future. Surely he was charming and fascinating but it was all a mirage.

 

Cut all contact and block him from everywhere. You have only seen the tip of the iceberg as far as lies. Get checked for stds as well.

I found out that he had accidentally put 500 dollars worth of charges on my debit card. He left 2 dump trucks worth of tree limbs in my driveway, which I had to pay 750 dollars to get removed.One friend says he’s been staying with a ‘friend’ but didn’t know who. Another said he’s been sleeping in his car and his storage unit. I learned he was having money troubles, but he eventually paid everyone back (but me).

 

[video=youtube;bmav517MQJc] ]

[gebaird]

What did I do?

 

Everyone asks this question at the end of a relationship. The underlying belief is that YOU did something to cause the breakup, and that by acting differently you could have prevented it. But is that really true? It sounds to me like you did your part, you invested and he did not. He seems very erratic and unstable. Your only mistake was falling for a guy who can't hold it together for more than a few months before wanting to bolt, and for allowing an undefined relationship/friendship to become, in your own mind, something more than it was (at least more than he thought it was). I don't think you did anything wrong. You just invested in someone with a lot of issues. You knew it was risky, but you wanted it to work so badly that you chose to ignore the warning bells in your mind. Love is like that sometimes. The heart wants what it wants, but that doesn't mean it's going to work out.

 

You deserve better (I think you know that). The key to ending your obsession is to stop asking unanswerable questions and start asking more constructive ones:

 

1) What can I learn from this?

 

2) What can I do differently next time to avoid this kind of heartbreak, or at least reduce the chances of being hurt?

 

3) What's the best way to heal and move forward?

 

Thanks for your courage in posting this.

 

Give it time. It won't always feel this way.

 

Good luck on your move and new job!

[rosephase]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You have been loving and open (past the level of self care, which means you probably have some work to do when it comes to personal boundaries) and he has messed up every step of the way. Honestly? at this point it doesn't matter why. You need to start letting go of him and taking care of yourself.

[greta96]

You are on a roller coaster that will keep rolling for as long as you let it. The guy has been taking you for granted for a long time, and that's because you kept giving him chances when no chances should have been given. That was your mistake, and not whatever BS you're trying to tell yourself such as "have I scared him away" or "have i put too much pressure on him". No, you did not put *enough* pressure, if anything. He hid his lack of interest in you (I'm talking real interest here, not the superficial, mainly sexual type) behind the fact that "you were not official", and hey, it works apparently, just look at how many people do nasty things in the name of "but we never had the talk".

 

You are not crazy, just naive to think that a guy like him will ever change. He likes his life as it is, and doesn't seem to be deprived of women, sex and attention. Why would he change that? He is hot and cold because he can, and because you allowed him to get away with it. You should have sent him packing the first time he proved he wasn't serious about you, back when he decided to get back with his ex just like that. You sealed your fate when you agreed to stay "friends" with him, despite him being so hurtful and disrespectful to you. From there, everything snowballed to where it's at now, and it will continue until you toughen up, recognize that you are lingering in a murky situation and put an end to it.

 

You can't change him, but you can take him off the undeserved pedestal you put him on and see him for the loser he is. Once you do that, your roller coaster ride will come to an end.